Why Self-Compassion is More Important Than Self-Esteem

by Jen Perry, MSEd, MA, LPC

In my work as a therapist, I find that people frequently come to therapy worried about self-esteem, either their own or that of their children or some other person they love dearly. Self-esteem is generally defined as confidence in one’s self-worth and abilities, as well as having a sense of value and self-respect. However, it is essential to remember that, as humans, we are verbs, not nouns. If valuing and respecting ourselves is the outcome we want, learning about and practicing self-compassion is the way to get there. 

One relevant pitfall I help people avoid is thinking of self-esteem as a fixed state, something you either have or don’t. Confidence and self-esteem are inherently unstable constructs. The truth is that any time we try something new, we will likely lack confidence, feel uncomfortable, and have a lot to learn. Having a growth mindset is so very helpful in these moments. A growth mindset allows for discomfort and stretching when we are growing and learning, which is part of the process of being human.

Self-compassion and a supportive mindset are far more helpful than this idea of “fixed” self-esteem when we find ourselves in new situations with an uncertain outcome.

Self-esteem tends to be viewed through a fixed mindset. This mindset doesn’t allow for growth or process. A fixed mindset purports that you either have the talent for something or you don’t.

Carol Dweck is a researcher who has examined the harmful effects of a fixed mindset. In a nutshell, people who identify with a fixed mindset in their talents seldom want to risk being in a situation that would challenge them or demonstrate they may not be as bright or talented as they think they are.  As a result, they don’t take risks to grow and develop as much as they could if they embrace a growth mindset. And if they do, they tend to blame others or conditions outside of themselves if things don’t go as well as hoped. They miss the opportunity to self-reflect. They miss the chance to grow.

Many people ask me if self-esteem is the root of all their problems. Their self-esteem is low or non-existent. If self-esteem were a tree, they would wish for a towering oak. They fear that they have a very sad sapling that has never had enough nourishment to thrive.

Let’s break down self-esteem. You’ll see why I think it is not only overrated but perhaps an inherently harmful construct that we would all be better off without. Then, I will discuss what may be more helpful.

Webster defines self-esteem as “confidence in one’s worth or abilities; self-respect.” In one aspect, it can be a global assessment of our skills and gifts and how we apply them. However, this is not the way humans typically experience self-esteem. Most humans I know experience situational, context-dependent self-esteem.

Instead of a global, broad-ranging, and honest look at ourselves, we experience how we feel in relation to our situations, the people we are with, and our experiences. In this light, self-esteem is an inherently unstable construct. Most of us gain confidence and belief in ourselves by doing. It’s common to feel situationally low self-esteem when experiencing something new or when our gifts and contributions are not recognized or valued. We are social creatures, and much of our “self-esteem” reflects how others see us, our performance, or our contributions at the moment.

So, I would like to propose that instead of being so fixated on where we are on the self-esteem meter – we focus instead on a more robust and stable construct rooted in a growth mindset: Self-Compassion.

Self-Compassion . . .

Self-compassion is a series of practices that nurture an attitude of kindness and support toward ourselves as we go through life's processes. Self-compassion is extending compassion to oneself in instances of perceived inadequacy, failure, or general suffering.

Kristin Neff is an associate professor at the University of Texas at Austin’s Department of Educational Psychology. She defines self-compassion as being composed of three main components:

• Mindfulness: Self-compassion requires a balanced approach to one’s negative emotions so that feelings are neither suppressed nor exaggerated. Negative thoughts and emotions are observed with openness so that they are held in mindful awareness. Mindfulness is a nonjudgmental, receptive mind state in which individuals observe their thoughts and feelings as they are without trying to suppress or deny them.
• Common humanity: Self-compassion also involves recognizing that suffering and personal failure is part of the shared human experience.
• Self-kindness: Self-compassion entails being warm towards oneself when encountering pain and personal shortcomings rather than ignoring them or hurting oneself with self-criticism.

If I continuously try new and creative things, I will repeatedly feel unsure and have “low self-esteem” feelings. What concerns me is how quickly we label children and evaluate their self-esteem. If self-esteem is going to be up and down throughout their lives situationally as they try new things, wouldn’t it be far more valuable to focus instead on Self-compassion? For a quick taste of what a Self-compassion practice might look like, check out my post here.

Do we want to risk our kids having a sense that we are worried about their self-esteem? Wouldn’t it be better to show them, and ourselves, how to meet ourselves with kindness, no matter where we are, who we are with, or what we are doing?

Jen Perry, MSEd, MA, LPC has been a psychotherapist for over 20 years. She specializes in helping highly sensitive people thrive in love, work, and parenting highly sensitive children. Jen is passionate about using mindfulness and compassion-based approaches to ameliorate human suffering. She can be reached at jen@heartfulnessconsulting.com  or 215-292-5056. Learn more at www.heartfulnessconsulting.com.

What Questions Can Support You in Creating Meaningful (and Gentle) New Year's Resolutions

by Elizabeth Venart

You may have a lot of things you want to be different in your life. But overwhelming yourself with unrealistic goals is likely to short-circuit any meaningful change efforts. Rather than enter the New Year by burdening yourself with a list of specific self-improvement changes you need to make, consider creating gentle and compassionate resolutions. First, you will want to thoughtfully reflect on the previous year. What stands out -- the good, bad, boring, inspiring? What did you love about it? What was fun? What worked well? What didn't work? 

Then, give some time to consider your desires for the coming year. When you reach December 31, 2024 and reflect back upon that year, what do you wish to see? How do you wish to feel? What fun do you hope to have? What might inspire you to feel grateful for having lived these 365 days with greater intention? 

As you contemplate more fluid and organic ways of welcoming change, below are some additional questions to guide you. You may want to carve out one big chunk of time to meditate or write -- or it may work better for you to contemplate your answers over several days or weeks. Questions are drawn from friends and from posts by Suleika Jaouad (Isolation Journals) and the Mountain Modern Life blog writer.

1. What was most memorable?
2. What did I enjoy most? 
3. What am I most proud of? 
4. What could I use more of in my life?
5. What could I use less of in my life?
6. What has caused me anxiety or distress?
7. By the end of the day, currently I feel (fill in the blank). How do I want to feel?
8. What characteristics would I like to have (or strengthen)?
9. Where am I saying “yes” when I really want to be saying “no”?
10. Where am I saying “no” when I really want to be saying “yes”?
11. What is taking my attention away from what is truly important to me? 
12. What are my wild and creative ideas for my life?

Self Compassion Practices for Happiness

According to Positive Psychology Research and Trainer Dr. Jonah Raqette, practices that focus on deepening our compassion for ourselves also contribute to our overall happiness. Experiment with writing the letter below, one of many effective Self-Compassion exercises, and notice the possibility of softening to yourself, relaxing, and inviting more compassion, ease, and happiness.

Self Compassion Practice #1: Letter of Self-Compassion
In this exercise, you’ll begin exploring how to build self-compassion when it comes to areas of your life you normally criticize.

Instructions: We all have things about ourselves that we don’t like, or that we tend to criticize. These might include something about the way we look, how we perform at work, or how we behave or don’t behave around others. These feelings of inadequacy are painful indeed, but are an inevitable part of life for all of us. Take a moment and reflect on one of these aspects of yourself that you often focus on in a negative way. Feel whatever emotions come up for you and notice the sorts of judgments that arise in your mind when you reflect on this issue.

Next, think about someone in your life who is kind, caring, loving, and compassionate towards you. It can either be a real person with whom you feel closeness and trust, or if you prefer, someone you imagine. This person can see your best qualities, as well as your areas of weakness. They understand and care for you, in good times and in bad. They understand that you are a human being, with strengths as well as flaws. Above all, they accept you and love you unconditionally, imperfections and all.
For the next few minutes, write a letter to yourself from the point of view of this friend. Focus in particular on the issue you came up with earlier, whether it was something to do with appearance, career success, behavior, or how you are in a particular relationship. What might this friend say to you regarding your perceived flaw or failure? How might they offer you comfort and demonstrate caring towards you? What might they do to show you kindness and compassion? How might their voice sound? What feelings would they want to convey towards you? Imagine this scenario, and allow yourself to feel whatever emotions come up.

When you are ready, fill your letter with the sense of compassion and love that this friend has for you. Once you have finished writing it, re-read the letter to yourself, letting the words sink in. Close your eyes, and feel the warmth and compassion flowing over you. Feel it growing and welling up inside of you. It is yours now, an infinite and renewable source of love and support, here for you whenever you need it.
 

Healing for Helpers

2022 March Newsletter:  Healing for the Helpers

 

Healing for Helpers

by Vanessa Mortillo

 

“My mother would say to me, ‘Look for the helpers. You will always find people who are helping.’ To this day, especially in times of disaster, I remember my mother’s words, and I am always comforted by realizing that there are still so many helpers — so many caring people in this world.” – Fred Rogers

 

From the hospital staff who have showed up for the sick and dying, to the parents who work double duty supporting their children and maintaining normalcy, to our teachers, daycare and eldercare staff, clergy, mental health professionals, first responders, and service workers, it is comforting to know that helpers are everywhere. Yet, it is difficult to find words that do justice to their extraordinary struggles during this pandemic. Many helpers rose to meet challenges head on, and many are tired.

 

For anyone in a helping role, it is important to pay close attention to your own wellbeing. The classic airline safety instruction, “Put on your oxygen mask first before helping others,” is so true. Yet, so many helpers charge forward with little attention to their inner lives. If this sounds like you, I see you.  You may have been taught that taking time for yourself is selfish or fear that showing vulnerability will be concerning to others. As a result, you may not be asking for support when you need it.  I often hear the phrase “I am so done” from frustrated parents, teachers, and youth that I work with. Exhaustion, depressed mood, hopelessness, and frustration are all signs that it may be time to focus on your own healing. Doing so will expand your ability to help others immeasurably.

 

An oft overlooked aspect of healing is staying connected to other people and our community. Dr. Bruce Perry, a renowned child psychiatrist and trauma expert, states, “Relationships are the agents of change, and the most powerful therapy is human love.” Dr. Perry found that even short, positive 5-minute conversations with other people, spread throughout the day, can shift internal energy from distress into homeostasis. Connecting to community might look like asking trusted friends to check in, making an effort to call people more frequently, planning quality time with loved ones, or even joining a new community. This is one of the reasons the Resiliency Center offers classes and workshops. We understand that humans thrive in community.

 

Below are a few more self-care tips to support your healing journey:

 

·      Self-compassion: Understand that you are often simply doing your best with what you have available to you. You are just one human dealing with a lot, and it is okay to take breaks and attend to your own needs first. Give yourself grace if you make mistakes. Commit to loving kindness meditation practices.

 

·      Attending to your body: Moving, exercising, and massage can release tension and stress as well as relieve parts of your body that carry emotional burdens. Feed yourself foods that nourish you.

 

·      Seek therapy: If you have lost someone, have been exposed to trauma, or simply would like support as you support others or to experience your own healing, invest in therapy.

 

As many challenges as we face as helpers, there are many ways to cope. Creating a sustainable lifestyle that allows you to be your best self while helping others may involve getting to know yourself better and finding the self-care strategies that work best for you. We hope you take time for yourself and take care.

 

Vanessa Mortillo is a Licensed Professional Counselor with extensive training in play therapy. Utilizing mindfulness, expressive arts, and play-based interventions, Vanessa provides a playful space to harness creativity and imagination in the service of growth and healing. To learn more about her practice, view her profile or contact her at vmortillo@gmail.com or 267-507-5793.

Intact not Perfect

by Brittiney George, BS, MST, ICI, CEIM

 

The world teaches you to pick yourself apart.  Resist.

If you must pick a fight, fight the urge to make yourself lesser or smaller than you are. The aim is not perfection; the aim is to stay intact.

 

The words Perfect, Whole, Entire, and Intact are often used interchangeably.  They all speak to the idea of “not lacking or being faulty.”  But a closer look (thanks to the Miriam-webster dictionary) reveals a subtle but important difference.

 

“PERFECT implies the soundness and the excellence of every part… frequently as an unattainable or theoretical state.”  Ex. a perfect set of teeth. 

 

“INTACT implies retention of perfection of a thing in its natural or original state.”  Ex. the house survived the war intact.

 

Perfection by itself is unattainable and theoretical, but when you are intact in your original state, you are already perfect.  Let’s say that one again…

 

You are perfectly intact in your original form.

 

It can be easy to feel pulled, torn, twisted, or split apart by life.  Intact does not mean you aren’t tired, depleted, or in need of support.  Intact means you are moving from and staying true to who you are at your core, the essence of you.  That is your original form.  That is perfect. That is your true north when the world feels upside down. 

 

When you feel the war raging on around you, trust the wisdom that is in you. 

 

Your body knows how you are being impacted both externally and internally throughout your day.  Trust that it knows the movement you need to navigate back on course with the core of you fully intact. 

 

Brittiney George, BS, MST, ICI, CEIM, is a Master Somatic Therapist and Movement Practitioner specializing in Transformative Touch.  She is also the creator of the online comic www.thisweekwithjoy.com.  Her areas of specialty include highly sensitive persons (HSP’s), and nervous system support that helps people feel unstuck when they feel bogged down by life.  For information contact Brittiney at 610-389-7866 or movebackintolife@gmail.com. 

Welcoming yourself home

by Jen Perry, MSEd, MA, LPC

Hello Dear Friend and welcome to the January 2022 edition of the Resiliency Center’s monthly newsletter. I feel like I’m still trying to process 2020, and here we are in 2022! The theme for this month’s newsletter is “Welcoming Yourself Home,” a phrase that I use almost everyday to begin my own meditation and frequently as I lead meditations for my clients and the participants in my Self-Compassion Group.

Welcoming yourself home acknowledges that human beings are made up of parts, little sub-personalities if you will, and that one of the most important aspects of mental and emotional health is having a healthy relationship with these parts of ourselves. Now before I go any further let me tell you that the argument about whether humans are of one mind (or mono-minded) or multiplicitous (made up of parts) has gone on for centuries. If you are a geek like me and want to learn more, Richard Schwartz, the developer of modern parts work called Internal Family Systems (IFS) has a book entitled Many Minds, One Self that provides the history. You may also want to check out his latest book, No Bad Parts. On YouTube, you can find a number of interviews with him and a series of informative lectures.   

But more important than what ancient philosophers and modern scientists who study this have to say, I invite you to take this information in and ponder it using your own good sense. Have you ever felt more than one way about something? Ever had difficulty making a decision because you actually had two or more different opinions about what to do? Have you ever been strongly convinced of your opinion in an argument one evening and by the next morning flipped completely around wondering, “What was I thinking?” If you have Disney+, treat yourself to a short animated film called “Twenty Something” to see an artful rendition of parts. One of the major objectives in IFS is to promote harmony among our parts. The other major objective is to connect our parts to Self, the mysterious presence or soul substance that connects us all with the qualities of love, compassion, calm, creativity, and courage.

Welcoming yourself home is a process that reaches out to all the parts of ourselves with respect, warmth, and curiosity. My dear friend and Resiliency Center colleague Michael Bridges shared a beautiful metaphor with me ~ “Imagine there is a “heart room” in the center of your being ~ warm, comfortable, welcoming, nourishing ~ a judgement-free zone where your parts can be held in a gentle space of understanding.” As another dear friend, mentor, and the Director of the Resiliency Center, Elizabeth Venart, taught me: “If we can’t understand just yet, we rest patiently with confidence that our parts make sense if only they have a calm space to tell their story.”

There is not a relationship you will have in this lifetime that is more important and more longstanding than your relationship with all the different parts of you. Some parts of us are easy to love, and some are more difficult. Some have been in what’s called “the shadow” for a long time. Approaching our parts purely from intellect rarely works for long and can add to inner tension, whereas an inner sense of spaciousness and curiosity invites us to soften and open up. If you have ever tried to lecture a child until you were blue in the face, not getting anywhere at all, and yet found they melted into connection with you whenever you offered the gentleness and comfort of a hug, then you know what I mean. Author and poet Jeff Foster has a beautiful YouTube video that expresses the healing that can occur when we hold our parts with tenderness.

Thank you for spending a few minutes of your day with me ~ My wish for this month is that we both to feel welcome in ourselves and experience a moment of connection with ourselves and one another. Albeit asynchronous connection as I am writing this in early December and you are now reading this in January, but connection all the same. Perhaps when I am in my heart room and you are in your heart room, we are in the same place.

Jen Perry, MSEd, MA, LPC is a Licensed Professional Counselor, Mindfulness Teacher, and Peaceful Parenting Coach. Her passion is helping Highly Sensitive People thrive in life, love, and parenting. She has been in the field for over twenty years and is devoted to studying the human psyche or soul and is often in awe of human compassion, strength, resilience, and consciousness. She loves pondering the mysteries of the Universe. In addition to seeing clients individually, she offers classes and a self-compassion group. She also loves teaching and guiding parents of Highly Sensitive Children. Learn more about Jen and her practice.

Regret, Self-Blame, and Learning to Give Yourself Grace

by Therese Daniels 

The month of December tends to be a time where we look back over the past year. Many of us expected a lot more out of 2021. I can clearly remember so many people proclaiming strong goodbyes to 2020 with a swift strong kick saying, “Don’t let the door hit you on the way out!” All with hopes of a much brighter year to come, one filled with family, friends, travel, and simple reconnection. Well, I am not sure about everyone else, but I get the sense that 2021 did not quite deliver. Things have certainly improved since this time last year, especially in recent weeks; however much of 2021 was darkened by COVID, natural disasters, and much more. COVID variants and spikes caused cancelled events, travel, and social gatherings. Natural disasters displaced people from their homes. Increased anger and violence cost people their lives and loved ones…I could go on.

Within the stress and storm of these ongoing events, I have noticed a concerning mindset and repetitive theme in the ways people talk about life lately. It is a pattern of guilt, shame, regret, and self-doubt. I have heard countless statements that begin with phrases such as, “I should have done___”  or “I should not have done ____”  or “I can’t believe I didn’t ___” or “I wish I would have ___”. I have heard even stronger self-condemnation in the face of hardship, shared as strongly as “I hate myself for ___”. Hearing this, I am struck by sadness and even fear. If we cannot be kind to ourselves as individuals, then how can we genuinely show kindness to others or even hope others will extend kindness to us?

The unfortunate truth is that we really have no control over the external events that happen all around us. So much that happens is outside our control. It makes sense that we wish we had more control than we really do and even that there is a problem-solving part of us that looks at past events with an eye on preventing painful events from recurring. But this isn’t always possible. We can’t stop a tornado. We can’t go back to 2019 and prevent the pandemic. And while we can do our best to prevent our three year old or elderly parents from contracting COVID, we cannot guarantee it. 

Something we can have control over, however, is how we treat and talk to ourselves. Especially in the face of pain and hardship. Rather than berating ourselves (and others) for what we could have, should have done differently, we can pause. We can allow ourselves to acknowledge the pain. We can invite in kindness, acceptance, and grace towards ourselves. In doing this, we can interrupt the pattern of negativity and regret. While fueled by a desire for control, the blame game (ourselves and others) simply adds to the pain. When we pause and welcome self-compassion, we may start a domino effect of compassion that extends beyond ourselves. Offering ourselves kindness and acceptance, we become more able to offer kindness and acceptance to others. Starting with ourselves and then extending kindness to our loved ones, neighbors, and even strangers in our community, we are empowered to spread positivity where before negativity and fear lived.

The Pay It Forward Foundation was started in 2000 and is described as acts of kindness, generating a ripple effect from one person to the next, one community to the next. There are countless stories of people buying coffee for each other, paying tolls for the car behind them, spreading joy through quiet, unbidden acts of kindness. People experience such joy from doing and seeing things like this for others, yet sometimes have a very hard time applying this concept to themselves. What might it look like to “pay it forward” in your own life? To give yourself the gift of kindness – and then build upon that to be increasingly, consistently kind towards YOU?

Self-Compassion and Emotional Resilience

by Trudy Gregson, MS, LPC

“If your compassion does not include yourself, it is incomplete.” – Jack Kornfield

As we continue to adapt and manage our lives under the unusual circumstances of COVID-19, it’s as important as ever to make sure we’re giving ourselves the care and attention we need. In fact, according to Kristin Neff, one of the world’s leading experts on self-compassion, “When we go through major life crises, self-compassion appears to make all the difference in our ability to survive and even thrive.”  

I’ve noticed that we often find it easier to feel compassion for others – for our children, our friends, our pets – than to turn that compassion towards ourselves. For some, self-compassion may feel like self-pity or selfishness or weakness, or they may believe that being hard on themselves motivates them to “do better”. We may use harsh words towards ourselves as a way to protect us from the harsh judgments of others, perhaps as an attempt to inoculate ourselves. Paradoxically, it has the opposite effect. Harsh self-judgment - our inner critic - makes us feel worse, not better.

To understand what self-compassion is, it may help to understand the difference between compassion and empathy. They’re similar in the way they both require us to put ourselves in another’s shoes. However, compassion includes the ability to stay present with another’s pain without being overwhelmed by it, and to be able to help from a place of love and kindness. Staying present with our own pain can be quite difficult, and people are very resourceful in finding all sorts of ways to escape it, but our escapes are short-lived. Self-compassion, on the other hand, is limitless once it is cultivated.

Kristin Neff describes self-compassion as, “being warm and understanding toward ourselves when we suffer, fail, or feel inadequate… it involves recognizing that suffering and personal inadequacy is part of the shared human experience and… taking a balanced approach to our negative emotions so that feelings are neither suppressed nor exaggerated.” Practicing self-compassion expands our ability to achieve growth and change for ourselves, as well as to support others. When we’re able to feel compassion toward ourselves, it fortifies us from the inside out and makes us more resilient in the face of adversity.

A 2017 study published in Health Psychology Open found that “people who have higher levels of self-compassion tend to handle stress better.” Dwelling on stressful events can create chronic health issues including spikes in blood pressure and blood sugar, along with suppression of the immune system. Self-compassion is the antidote. Research has consistently shown that self-compassion decreases anxiety and depression symptoms by improving our ability to better handle stress and allows us to have more emotional resources to share with others.

To cultivate self-compassion, try using:

Physical gestures, such as placing your hand on your heart or giving yourself a gentle hug (even it feels a little silly at first). This releases oxytocin, the feel-good hormone.

Compassionate language towards yourself. Notice what you say to yourself – is it critical or is it supportive? Practice speaking to yourself as you would to a child or a good friend.

Self-care –Make yourself a cup of tea, spend some time in nature, get adequate sleep and physical activity, prioritize your own needs by saying no sometimes. Remember, it’s self-care, it’s not selfish.

In her new book, “Radical Compassion”, Tara Brach shares how practicing RAIN can help us to be more compassionate towards ourselves. RAIN is an acronym to help us remember four steps for practicing self-compassion when we’re experiencing a difficult emotion or a holding a painful belief about ourselves:

R: Recognize what’s going on inside of you. Notice what’s happening in your body. Notice feelings of tension, pressure, anxiety, ruminating thoughts, or whatever response you’re having, and just gently bring your attention to it.

A: Allow what is happening to happen, just by breathing, being present with it and letting it be. You may not like the feeling, but see if you can set an intention not to judge it or try to fix it or change it.

I: Investigate what feels most difficult and ask the part of you that holds the tension or discomfort how it’s trying to help you. Ask it what it needs from you.

N: Nurture it by using tender language, gestures, or your breath to be present with and bring comfort to this part of you.

Self-compassion is the salve that eases our suffering –our everyday experiences of stress, frustration, anger, or feeling badly about ourselves. It takes courage to be able to stay present with uncomfortable feelings, so be gentle with yourself as you begin to practice bringing more self-compassion into your daily life.

Trudy Gregson, MS, LPC, is a Licensed Professional Counselor providing counseling to adults experiencing depression, anxiety, issues related to trauma, life transitions, and relationships. Trudy customizes her approach according to each client’s needs, using Internal Family Systems Therapy (IFS), Mindfulness, and Cognitive Behavioral Therapy (CBT) as the foundation for their work together, helping clients to notice, bring compassion to, and acceptance of their inner experience. Trudy can be reached at trudygregsontherapy@gmail.com or at 267-652-1732.

Tending Your Spark

by Jen Perry

This month is, of course, February and Valentine’s Day. It got me thinking about love of all kinds and in trying to sift through what I want to say about it. I was inspired by this Chinese proverb: “Keep a green bough in your heart and the singing bird will come” Talking about love is such a ginormous undertaking that quite frankly I am finding myself without words (quite inconvenient!) as I try to write this to you. Instead of pushing too hard against my writer’s block I have decided to tell you a little about my self-compassion group and give you a collection of quotes that I hope will delight and inspire you as well as links to books, exercises, and posts designed to help you keep that green bough in your heart. I find that this is especially pertinent this time of year when the trees are waking up and the sap starts to flow but we can’t see any green yet. Reaching out to the light and warmth of self-compassion can serve us well this time of year.

In my work with clients I call it tending our spark. I suppose if I were to re-write the proverb using my metaphor it would be something like “tend to the spark in your heart and the fire will light.” In the words of Jeff Foster, “Love is not something you beg for ~ it is something that radiates from within you.” Of course we don’t always feel love or loving. We can’t really control how we feel. What we can do is tend to the conditions that help love to arise within us more and more frequently. One of the best ways I know how to do this is through self-care and self-compassion.

            "The toughest thing is to love somebody who has done something mean to you. Especially when that somebody has been yourself." — From Episode 1665 of Mister Rogers' Neighborhood

In my self-compassion group and meeting with individual clients, we work on self-love, self-kindness and self-care. As Fred Rogers said, “When we love a person, we accept him or her exactly as is: the lovely with the unlovely, the strong along with the fearful, the true mixed in with the façade, and of course, the only way we can do it is by accepting ourselves that way.” It can be very, very hard to love ourselves this way so often in group we work slowly, slowly, slowly. Tending our spark and meeting ourselves right where we are. If we try to throw too much wood on a fire we can put out the spark! It is ok for this to be aspirational at first, and for as long as necessary. Sometimes the very best we can do is offer the hurting parts of ourselves and the parts we so often reject: “May I be kind to this part of myself, may I show myself compassion, may I soften to myself and this experience of human life” As one self-compassion group participant observed: “When we apply the warmth of self-compassion to our most raw emotions they soften and begin to become ever so easier to experience and be with ourselves.” One of the most generous aspects of life is that if we make an honest effort at something, no matter how small and slowly we grow into it, learn and see developments and improvements. Self-compassion isn’t an all or nothing thing. It is connection, a relationship with yourself. To quote the beloved Fred Rogers again: ”Love isn’t a state of perfect caring. It is an active noun like 'struggle.' To love someone is to strive to accept that person exactly the way he or she is, right here and now.” Of course, this includes ourselves and all parts of ourselves, even the parts we often want to reject or eliminate altogether.

Self-compassion practices can help maintain the connection and conditions that help love to burn bright in our hearts. This makes it easier to love others around us. These practices can be strengthened and learned. The self-compassion break is a wonderful exercise to use and a good place to start. Learn more about it here. [insert link: https://heartfulnessconsulting.com/the-self-compassion-break/] and here. [insert link: https://self-compassion.org]

If you are curious about the Self-Compassion Group please do reach out. I will be starting a new group soon that will meet online via secure video platform. I’d be delighted to talk to you about it.

Jen Perry, MSEd, MA, LPC has been a psychotherapist for 20 years. She specializes in helping highly sensitive people thrive in love, work, and parenting highly sensitive children. Jen is passionate about using mindfulness and compassion-based approaches to ameliorate human suffering. She can be reached at jen@heartfulnessconsulting.com  or 215-292-5056. Learn more at www.heartfulnessconsulting.com.

Keeping the New Year Kind: Embracing Who You Are While Supporting Your Growth

by Jen Perry

Ahhhhh, that time of year again. January. New Year. New (or old or recycled) Year Resolutions. Isn’t it funny how right in the season of over-doing, over-extending, and over-indulging we throw in resolutions to resolve to do things differently? Instead of scoffing at the ridiculousness of this observation I wonder if we can use it as an invitation to wonder and be thoughtful about it? Perhaps there is a wise message in here after all. I’d like to invite you, Dear Reader, to close your eyes for a moment with me. Breathe and get kind and curious about this yearly cycle we seem to collectively join in or outright reject. Allow yourself to wonder about it for a minute and get curious about what arises for you in that vast field of openness. Just wonder …. And if you want to, jot down any thoughts, feelings, images or sensations that arise as you allow yourself to wonder ….

What came to me first in this exercise was an image of two people in a boat. If one leans all the way to one side, the other needs to lean equally in its opposite in order not to tip over. I think our systems operate with a similar wisdom. Balance. In many cases the balancing of extremes. All or nothing, black and white, to change something about ourselves or not. There is another element to balance of course. There is a similar movement in my second image, a see-saw. In the middle, a fulcrum. A fulcrum is defined as a “thing that plays a central or essential role in an activity, event, or situation; to prop up or support.” It is also a handy tool for lifting or achieving something that seems large or impossible without its support.

Over and over again in my work in the world, I find that this balance is so very important. Whenever we set out wanting meaningful change in any way in our life, it is so much easier to achieve when we have a fulcrum of support. Metaphorically speaking, when the things we want to change are things about ourselves and our habits, a fulcrum of self-compassion and appreciation for ourselves as we are before the desired change is a powerful fulcrum of support to achieve such change. One of my favorite quotes is: Once nothing has to change, suddenly everything can. I thought this was from Alan Watts but a quick google search did not yield any results. If you know where this quote comes from, will you reach out and let me know? And as you make your new year resolutions, or even if you don’t, I wish for all of us this fulcrum of self-compassion and support at this time of the new year and always.

Jen Perry, MSEd, MA, LPC has been a psychotherapist for over 18 years. She specializes in helping highly sensitive people thrive in love, work, and parenting highly sensitive children. Jen is passionate about using mindfulness and compassion-based approaches to ameliorate human suffering. She can be reached at jen@heartfulnessconsulting.com  or 215-292-5056. Learn more at www.heartfulnessconsulting.com.

Reimagining Resolutions. Letting Go Of Lists.

by Tracie Nichols

Around this time of year, many of us do a year-end review of our lives or our businesses, or both. We look at what we accomplished. What we’re proud of or what we didn’t do so well. Then we go ahead and plan for the next year. We make resolutions or set intentions; create affirmations or to-do lists.

The thing is, we tend to squeeze it all into a few weeks in December and January because this is the traditional turning point in our year, based on the Gregorian calendar.

But, cramming a year-end review and coming year planning process into a few short weeks feels distinctly unwieldy and unnatural. Add in that many of us are also celebrating holidays during those weeks, and the whole experience can tip over into “That’s overwhelming!” territory.

So why do we do it?

If you think about it, part of our urge to review and plan at this time of year likely rises from times when we were more deeply tied to the land. Both through the natural rhythms of seasons and of agricultural rhythms like harvesting, winnowing, and storing seeds for the following year’s planting.

But, and here’s the important part, the process would have been spread over two seasons, not a few short weeks or days.

For example, autumn (late September, October, November) is the natural time for reviewing what we’ve learned and done and for sorting and consolidating what we’ve accumulated during the spring and summer. Like trees dropping leaves and squirrels gathering nuts and seeds we can follow nature’s guidance and drop extraneous ideas, beliefs, or actual stuff and seed (or archive) for later what’s truly useful and nourishing.

Then, during the quieter months of early winter (later December through January and early February) we can look over those stored seeds (ideas, insights) and plan for the coming planting and growing season.

Whether planning actual gardens, creating a career strategy, making a plan for spending more time with family or expanding time spent doing something that relaxes or restores us, doing the actual planning over a few months gives us the time and space to be very intentional about our choices.

We don’t have to make resolutions or lists on January 1^st just because that’s the way things have always been done. Indeed, we don’t need to make resolutions or lists at all.

If we choose to do any reviewing or planning, let’s be infinitely kind to ourselves and spend time throughout the autumn and winter thoughtfully crafting something that fits our lives, aligns with who we are and nourishes us along the way.

Tracie Nichols, M.A. is a holistic business and life coach, aromatherapist and poet. With 10 years experience as a woman business owner, 7 years holistic mentoring/coaching experience, 30 years as an aromatherapist, and a masters degree in human transformation, her work is about standing in solidarity with body-centered and highly sensitive women, walking with them as they discover/rediscover their body-wise, empathetic, intuitive strengths. Supporting them as they bring their whole selves to their life and work. Helping them be accountable to themselves and their dreams of making whatever difference they choose to make. You can reach Tracie at https://tracienichols.com/ or tracie@tracienichols.com. Or connect with her on Instagram: https://www.instagram.com/tracietnichols/ or Facebook: https://www.facebook.com/EcoAudientTracieNichols. 

Seek Your Truth To Speak Your Truth

by Jen Perry

Do you ever notice how some days go smoothly and then very similar days can be so difficult? Sometimes the difference is obvious, like when we are getting through a workday with a cold or some other malady. But often, it is far more subtle. Checking in on ourselves is an important component of daily self-care. We are contextual beings and taking into consideration even just a few of the myriad influences affecting us from day to day can really make the difference in our self-care and self-support throughout the days and weeks. Just asking the question, “How am I?” and seeking your truth ~ the truth of yourself right now ~ with an intention of caring for yourself and taking into consideration the context of your life right now ~ can make a huge difference. We can practice self-compassion and self-care by attending to our needs of the moment instead of ignoring them and expecting ourselves to be a robot that operates the same way under any set of conditions.

How often do we override our basic needs? Push? Fail to take into consideration our stage in life, or the quality of our sleep, or the seasonal affects around us? Weeks filled with the business of end-of-school-year or the pre-event party planning tornado or the post event collapse after vacation ~ all of these may mean that our needs are different. Seeking your truth so that you can speak your truth to yourself and meet your needs is a simple and quick essential form of daily self-care. Find your style and what works for you. Here is an example of the steps I like to take (adapted from Jon Kabat-Zinn and Kristin Neff):

1.     Simply asking, “How am I?” And really listening as you would a good friend or dear one. Perhaps you feel tired, rushed, sore. Or maybe it is a moment that you can celebrate and you feel good, content, happy.

2.     Fully contact this present moment. Mindfully. The sweet spot here is to meet how you are without minimizing or exaggerating your experience. It is happening either way, meeting it with curiosity and kindness for yourself.

3.     Connecting with Universality: Opening up and connecting in your heart and mind with all the other humans around you having a similar moment. Recognizing that no matter what you are experiencing, you’re guaranteed not to be the only one who is enjoying the pleasant weather, was up all night with a new baby, got bad news from a doctor, is thrilled with a new car, has a difficult conversation they need to have with someone, or whatever it may be … it is part of the human experience and you are not alone. Not at all.

4.     A wish for us all to  …. Fill in the the blank here ~ based on the last few steps, what do you wish for yourself and anyone and everyone in your similar situation? May we all take a deep breath and enjoy this moment… May we all find peace … May we all sleep better tonight and be gentle with ourselves today … May we all be safe, happy, at ease.

5.     Based in the step above, is there a need that you can fulfill for yourself? A simple breath, a walk or stretch, a call to a friend. Now that you’ve found your truth, and spoken it to yourself, the answer to how to best support yourself in this moment should be much easier to find.

Jen Perry is a Licensed Professional Counselor, Mindfulness Meditation Teacher, Peaceful Parenting Educator and Coach. Jen’s approach to her client’s mental health and wellbeing focuses on implementing mindful self-care and self-compassion practices. Jen can be reached at jen@heartfulnessconsulting.com or 215-292-5056.

Deepening Self-Care

by Jennifer Perry, MSEd, MA, LPC

We all know that self-care is important. Perhaps you’ve heard the metaphor about the oxygen mask and putting your own on first. Or the saying that you just can’t pour from an empty cup. For caregivers and everyone else, it is imperative that we make our self-care a non-negotiable. 

Why? 

Because we matter. For those of us who are focused on caring for others, hearing that we matter may not be incentive enough to prioritize self-care. Or it may feel at odds with our caretaking of others. But how we show up for others makes a difference. And prioritizing our own self-care helps us show up with love and energy.

Consider a parenting challenge faced daily in many homes: Bedtime. If you are grouchy because you haven’t eaten, are dehydrated, haven’t slept well, or are still carrying significant stress from your day, it may be very difficult to bring the same patience and care to your child’s nighttime protests. If, on the other hand, you are in a good mood and feel at ease, you are much more likely to bring humor and creativity to any conflicts that arise. Or at least to move through the challenge with greater calm and perspective.

Strong self-care allows us to live fully engaged, vibrant, resilient lives in the face of whatever ups and downs life is throwing our way. 

In my work as a counselor and parenting coach and in my own healing work, I have come to appreciate three dimensions of self-care. While most of us are familiar with the first, examining all three may be the most helpful in deepening our thinking and expanding our practice of caring for ourselves. 

The first dimension includes common self-care practices. These include exercise, diet, meditation, drinking water, spending time on hobbies, spending time with loved ones, giving yourself a treat, etc. Unfortunately, this list can sometimes feel like a weighty list of “shoulds” against which we measure ourselves, defeating the purpose and becoming a source of stress instead of a sanctuary.

The second dimension is less about specific activities and much more about the way we approach every task and moment in our lives and less about what we are doing. Can we be present while doing any mundane life task (including any from the list above) in a way that acknowledges we are a living, human being whose energy matters. We are not machines to be judged by what we accomplish everyday. Instead, our everyday tasks are our lives, not something to power through so we can live in some distant future moment when everything is done and we’ve been productive enough. Some examples include listening to favorite music while doing the dishes, calling friends to talk while commuting, picking up fresh flowers weekly for your office, lighting a candle before you work or pay bills, cooking dinner as a family. The possibilities are endless and can be as individual as your fingerprint. If we are doing the tasks in the first category but rushing through them or simply checking a box to say “done,” we may find ourselves just as depleted as if we were not engaging in self-care practices at all. The how matters.

The third dimension is all about our self-talk. In my individual work with clients and in my mindfulness and self-compassion group, we look very carefully at our inner dialogue. Are we talking to ourselves with kindness and support? Or is our inner world full of sarcasm, self-judgment, and self-deprecation? Is our inner world a safe, caring place to dwell? Our patterns of self-talk are mental habits that can be examined and, over time, shifted towards greater kindness and generosity. With empathy and self-compassion practices, we can learn to soften the harsh, critical voice in our head and turn our inner world into a self-care haven.

Painful experiences in the past may have instilled challenges to all three dimensions of self-care, making it hard to recognize that we are worthy of care, setting up patterns of rushing or avoidance that make mindful attention to the present moment difficult, and creating recorded critical messages that are all-too-easy to play in a loop internally. As a trauma-informed therapist, I understand the impact of these painful experiences and partner with individuals, couples, and groups to help them unburden the weight of the past so that they can experience greater freedom and care for themselves well. You deserve to enjoy your life. I’d love to explore with you ways you can do just that.

Jennifer Perry is a Licensed Professional Counselor, Peaceful Parent Educator and Coach. She is passionate about mindfulness and loves her work helping people relate more compassionately to themselves and to others while learning how to thrive and build lives that they love. She can be reached at 215-292-5056 or jen@heartfulnessconsulting.com www.heartfulnessconsulting.com