by
Therese Daniels
The
times when we need grace the most are the times when we are least likely to
give it to ourselves. The term grace has many different meanings, but for this
purpose we can consider “giving ourselves grace,” the act of giving ourselves
permission to forgive our mistakes, our lapses in judgement, and our hurtful
behavior. We forgive ourselves because we are all human, and life can be hard.
Author and Yoga teacher Dianne Bondy, in an article on giving yourself grace
says, “Grace happens to give us some space, acceptance,
and room to take a hard swallow or step back.” She believes that we cannot use
grace as an excuse, but rather as an opportunity to take action and move
forward. Here are some ideas on
how to give yourself grace and move forward:
1.
Re-evaluate your
goals/expectations
I never want to advise anyone to not dream too big or shoot
for the stars. It is great and important to have big long-term goals. But the
key to achieving them is to start off small. If you start the New Year saying
you are going to go to the gym every single day, but you have been going zero
days, that is a big leap. Start with 1-2 days a week, be happy if you make that
achievement, and use the motivation to get to the next level. Start with the
big goal and then work backwards and break them down into smaller steps/goals
and check them off the list as you go along towards the bigger, long-term goal.
A strategy called SMART goal setting can be a helpful tool to get started.
2.
Just say NO
We live in a world where we feel the need to say yes and
constantly people please. “Yes, I’ll take the extra project,” “Yes, I can help
you with that,” “Yes, I can add an extra appointment,” “Yes, I can drive you
there,” “Yes, I can watch your child.” Helping others is admirable and
desirable, but anything to the extreme can be unhealthy. Balance is key. Allow
yourself to say no AND to not feel guilty about it. While it can, and usually
does, feel good and provide satisfaction to do things for others, there is
certainly a limit that we do not always pay attention to. It is healthy to set
boundaries. It is a way to be kind to ourselves, recognize our limits, and it
sets us up for satisfaction and success versus frustration and burn out.
3.
Stop saying “I
should”
We need to stop “shoulding” all over ourselves. I do not
love this saying, but it carries a lot of truth. Psychologist Clayton Barbeau
coined the term “Shoulding yourself,” meaning putting pressure on yourself to
do or be something based on what you or others think you’re supposed to be
doing or having regret for past actions (or non actions). This type of thinking
is very common and provides little to no space for action. It helps us shame
and guilt ourselves and leads to a lack of motivation. It keeps us stuck in the
past. While we can learn from past behaviors, putting too much pressure on
ourselves and living in regret wastes our mental energy. Accepting things from
the past and learning to move forward with kindness is a much more productive
and beneficial mind set. Replace “should” with “I want to…” or “Next time I
will…” and you will feel a difference.
4.
Flip the Script
We all talk to ourselves, in our heads (and sometimes out
loud). There is a constant reel of automatic thoughts going through our minds
all day, every day. And very often these thoughts are negative. We say mean
things to ourselves, about ourselves. Research in Cognitive Therapy shows that
thoughts cause feelings. Most people believe that events cause feelings, but it
really comes down to what we are saying to ourselves. If someone is stuck in a
traffic jam and thinks, “Oh no, I am going to be late! My boss will be mad.
What if I can’t get all of my work done? I should have left earlier! Why did I
make myself coffee?”, then chances are, that person is going to feel anxious
and flustered. If someone stuck in the same traffic jam instead thinks, “Ugh,
traffic is annoying, but oh well, I can’t control it. I’ll just let my boss know what happened, and I will take
this time to get more prepared for work, listen to good music, and roll the
windows down to get some fresh air” then, chances are that person is going to
feel calm and ready for the day ahead. Same situation – but very different
thoughts and very different feelings. It is helpful and important to “flip the
script.” Change what you are saying to yourself. When you notice yourself
starting to feel a negative emotion, pay attention to what you are saying to
yourself in your head and flip it! Replace it with something positive. It may
not feel natural at first, but the more you try, the more it will become your
typical thought response. I often offer my clients Refocus Bands. It is something you wear on your wrist and on the inside
there is a positive phrase. You wear it, flip it, and then refocus. Another
idea is to write words or phrases on popsicle sticks and keep them in a bag or
in your pocket and pull them out when feeling down. Small things like that are
simple but helpful
In
closing, I invite you to give yourself grace. Use the month of December to
begin practicing self-kindness and let the momentum build throughout 2022.
Start with yourself and watch the kindness spread to all of those around you!
Let 2022 be the year when compassion was contagious – and it spreads like
wildfire.
Therese M. Daniels, MA, LPC has been in the mental health
field for 20 years. She provides individual, couples, and family counseling for
ages 6 and up. She specializes in anxiety, depression, self-esteem, life
transitions, and more. Learn more at https://theresiliencycenter.com/practitioner/theresedaniels / and www.theresedanielscounseling.com. Contact her at
therese.danielslcpc@gmail.com or 410-919-9673.
