Retreats: Pause, Connect, Create — and Get Inspired

by Elizabeth Venart

Summertime is for novelty. We spend more time outdoors, travel to new places, and do things that darker, colder times of the year don’t offer. Retreats and groups are similar. Retreats offer us an opportunity to take a break from our ordinary routine, immerse ourselves in a new practice (such as art-making, meditation, yoga, or writing), and connect more deeply with ourselves, others, and the natural world. Mary Oliver’s poems remind us that every moment in which we are fully present can be a retreat. Her poems inspired by walks in nature, she poignantly reminds us in her poem “Praying” that silence is “the doorway into thanks” and when we are present, we open so that “another voice may speak.” When we embark on retreat, we accept this invitation into mystery, the unknown that awaits when we go new places, try new things, meet new people, and immerse ourselves in new landscapes — or greet familiar landscapes with new eyes.

In my own life, retreats have supported me during moments of significant transition. A meditation and mindfulness retreat at Kripalu was instrumental in gifting me with the calm, confidence, and clarity to open the Resiliency Center sixteen years ago. During the pandemic, a series of weekend painting retreats (offered through Zoom) supported me in expressing the full texture and emotion of my experience. Mini-retreats in writing helped me find my voice and gain confidence to approach a publisher with my book idea. A Celtic Spirituality Retreat in Ireland connected me with my ancestry through stories, soulful chanting, and time spent outdoors in majestic, beautiful landscapes. All of these experiences required leaving my comfort zone in one way or another and awakened deep inner peace and aliveness. 

Similarly, groups invite us to venture beyond the comfort of one-on-one connection and expand our perspective by learning from others’ experiences. We discover ourselves when we look into the eyes of others, hear our stories in their voices, and find the echo of our own truth in their heartfelt sharing. As we share, the courage of our authenticity invites others to be real in return. When we play, create, meditate, write, and explore nature in groups, our group energy creates a container for growth that often transcends what we can do on our own. For example, meditating in a group often takes us deeper. We hold the silence together. When we go on a nature hike together, we see beauty and details we may have missed if not for the eyes of our companions. When we create together, we are inspired by others’ creativity and they, by ours. 

Throughout my thirty-three years as a counselor, I have led many groups, workshops, and retreats for children, teens, adults, healthcare professionals, and other therapists. Community is healing. I believe in the power of community to transform people’s lives, support their resilience, and build joy. This belief drove the creation of The Resiliency Center of Greater Philadelphia. 

I am excited to share that a number of practitioners at the center are offering groups, workshops, and retreats this summer and into the fall. Why not join us? Programs promise connection, creativity, play, and opportunities to learn and grow. Some are designed for children and others for adults, and all invite you to experience something new. Let’s play together. We hope to see you soon. 

Elizabeth Venart is the Founder and Director of The Resiliency Center. She is a Licensed Professional Counselor, Approved EMDR Consultant, and Approved IFS Consultant who specializes in supporting Highly Sensitive People, including other therapists. She offers individual counseling, IFS-Informed EMDR Healing Intensives, and clinical consultation for therapists. She has led a regional meeting for EMDR therapists in the Greater Philadelphia Area since 2011 and taught therapists IFS-Informed EMDR through the Syzygy Institute since 2022. Additionally, Elizabeth is a laughter yoga teacher and avid reader of poetry. In support of these loves, Elizabeth offers a free weekly laughter yoga class and a monthly Spiritual Poetry evening. Learn more at https://elizabethvenart.com/ or contact her at elizabethvenart@counselingsecure.com. 

Winter Solstice — and a Candlelight Meditation for Peace

by Elizabeth Venart

Winter solstice, the shortest day of the year and first official day of winter, is on December 21st. This marks the gradual return of longer days, peaking with summer solstice on June 21st. Ancient Celts believed that the sun god, Lugh, left every winter and took the warmth with him. They practiced rituals at winter solstice to invite him back the sun, light, and warmth. These included building bonfires and placing candles in evergreen trees. Many of these rituals continue into the present. There is something cozy and magical about sitting near a crackling fireplace, being outdoors around a fire pit with a mug of hot chocolate, or cuddling under a blanket in the soft glow of candlelight. 

In Celtic Spirituality, the softer glow of sunrise, sunset, and candlelight are optimal times for quiet contemplation. We are invited to turn our gaze inward, pause from the busy pace of our lives, and simply reflect. The gentle glow of candlelight gives us an opportunity to slow down and invite forward the quieter parts of ourselves, parts that may get overshadowed in the noise of the everyday. Listening and attending to ourselves in this way can cultivate greater clarity and inner peace. 

During the darkness of the months ahead, you may want to experiment with creating space daily or weekly for meditative reflection. You may choose sunrise or sunset as a time of gentle light and contemplation. Watching the sun rise in the morning or set in the evening reminds us of our existence on planet earth, our presence in the natural world. Simply watch the light come, watch the light fade, notice the colors and details, the fading away of details to darkness. 

You could also practice a candlelight meditation. Simply light a candle or sit outside by a fire and gaze upon the flame. Focus on your breathing, and see if it becomes possible to slow your thinking and tune in more consciously to your five senses. Notice the candle or fire, any breeze or sounds if you are outside, the temperature of the air. As you inhale, feel the temperature and sensation of the air entering your nose, then the flow of exhale. Notice the rise and fall of your chest and belly as you breathe in and out. All the while, keep noticing the candlelight or fire. If thoughts arise, simply notice them and then return your focus to your breath and the gentle light. 

If you find it difficult to take this pause in your day, nagged by a sense of urgency for things you need to do, perhaps set a timer for five or ten minutes. Knowing you will only be sitting quietly for a short while often allows our thoughts to settle. 

Taking this pause to sit quietly in gentle light, breathing and being present, cultivates peace and a sense of inner spaciousness. From that place, it becomes possible to reflect on bigger questions, decisions, and next steps. So give yourself the gift of darkness, the gift of gentle light, the gift of self-compassion. When we nurture our inner light in this way, it grows — and that radiance, like the sun, brings more light to our world. 

How to Keep Cool When it’s Hot Hot Hot

by Elizabeth Venart, Resiliency Center Founder and Director (and playful poet)

What are your tricks to beat Summer heat?

Iced coffee, salads, and popsicle treats?

Sprinklers, water hoses cooling hot feet? 

Reading in shade, hammock for a seat?

Art museums, libraries, theater for a play?  

Driving to the shore, shopping in cape May?

Pool time, swimming, Marco Polo games all day? 

Boat rides, going fast, breezes on the bay?

As for me, I enjoy all of these and more.

Ocean waves at sunset, walking along the shore. 

Fireworks, fireflies, relaxed summer evenings I adore.

And promise of autumn color, coolness that’s in store. 

What Questions Can Support You in Creating Meaningful (and Gentle) New Year's Resolutions

by Elizabeth Venart

You may have a lot of things you want to be different in your life. But overwhelming yourself with unrealistic goals is likely to short-circuit any meaningful change efforts. Rather than enter the New Year by burdening yourself with a list of specific self-improvement changes you need to make, consider creating gentle and compassionate resolutions. First, you will want to thoughtfully reflect on the previous year. What stands out -- the good, bad, boring, inspiring? What did you love about it? What was fun? What worked well? What didn't work? 

Then, give some time to consider your desires for the coming year. When you reach December 31, 2024 and reflect back upon that year, what do you wish to see? How do you wish to feel? What fun do you hope to have? What might inspire you to feel grateful for having lived these 365 days with greater intention? 

As you contemplate more fluid and organic ways of welcoming change, below are some additional questions to guide you. You may want to carve out one big chunk of time to meditate or write -- or it may work better for you to contemplate your answers over several days or weeks. Questions are drawn from friends and from posts by Suleika Jaouad (Isolation Journals) and the Mountain Modern Life blog writer.

1. What was most memorable?
2. What did I enjoy most? 
3. What am I most proud of? 
4. What could I use more of in my life?
5. What could I use less of in my life?
6. What has caused me anxiety or distress?
7. By the end of the day, currently I feel (fill in the blank). How do I want to feel?
8. What characteristics would I like to have (or strengthen)?
9. Where am I saying “yes” when I really want to be saying “no”?
10. Where am I saying “no” when I really want to be saying “yes”?
11. What is taking my attention away from what is truly important to me? 
12. What are my wild and creative ideas for my life?

Can we create New Year's Resolutions that are simple, gentle, and enduring?

by Elizabeth Venart

As one year ends and another begins, it is natural to reflect back on the year’s journey traveled and aspire to create or experience something new in the the twelve months ahead. Social media hype about making this next year “the best one yet” may prompt us to give New Year's Resolutions another try — even if we know ourselves, our track record, and the unlikely possibility that our January 1st promises will last. Typical resolutions focus on how we want to improve (exercise, eat better, get off social media, read, be positive), so when we don’t, we end up feeling worse about ourselves and things being the same. We are in good company. Research has shown that while the follow-through with these kinds of changes may be strong that first week (about 77% of us keep our commitment for seven days), resolve reduces dramatically over the year  — with less than half of us lasting three months and only 19% of people having stuck with their commitment two years later. 

Despite evidence these annual promises are likely to be short-lived, we may still feel drawn to make them. We crave change. We want to be healthy and happy. We want our lives to be meaningful, fun, peaceful, and connected.

Rather than make a list of new habits and schedules we may struggle to follow, perhaps we could experiment with inviting the changes we want in a simpler, gentler way? It is possible. I’ve included several ideas for how in this article. They include selecting a “word” for the year, creating a vision board, making monthly goals rather than yearly ones, writing simple “more” and “less” lists, and themed playlists. 

A Word for the Year

One simpler practice many find meaningful is to select a “word” for the year. This involves narrowing your long list of priorities down to one central theme. You are saying, “This is my focus for the year.” There are endless possibilities, so carving out some time to reflect, meditate, brainstorm possibilities, and journal about it can help you gain clarity. This may take some time. Or it could be very simple and obvious to you. When I explained the idea about New Year’s resolutions to my eight-year-old niece, she shared that she’d like to get better at soccer and gymnastics this year and can see herself practicing more and improving. I asked her the question on the last of five days we spent together in late December. We live a distance apart. After her initial response about growing stronger, she gave me a big smile and a hug, then added, “I also really want to see my family every month.” She knows what she values. I trust you do too. 

Selecting a word for the year can be like a beacon that keeps bringing us home to what matters. Once you select a word, find a way to keep it in your conscious awareness. Maybe you make it your screen saver, put it on a sticky note on your nightstand or next to your computer at work, or set a daily phone alarm labeled with your word. As you revisit it throughout the year, give yourself permission to change it if it no longer feels of central importance to you. Trust yourself to know what is meaningful. 

Vision Boards

Another way to keep your word, theme or vision alive throughout the year is to create a vision board. Vision boards can be very specific and tailored to an area of your life where you’d like to focus (e.g. relationships, career, health), but they can also be more conceptual (e.g. conveying a feeling of calm, a sense of adventure, or a focus on beauty). Whether you create a physical board or a virtual one, keep it somewhere easy to see. Let the continual visual reminder support you in remembering.

Creating a Playlist

Music speaks to our hearts. Selecting specific songs for a custom playlist is another way to remind yourself of your word, theme, and positive intentions. Let the music encourage and support you. If you want more courage, create a playlist that inspires you to feel brave. If you want to feel peaceful, curate a calming collection of music. If you seek more playfulness, find songs that make you dance, play, and even laugh. 

Choose a Monthly Focus or Goal (Not a Yearly One)

Another way to simplify is to create a goal or focus one month at a time. Maybe it will be a word.  Maybe it will be a new habit you’d like to try (30 days of yoga, for example). Maybe it is a way you’d like to stretch yourself, invite more self-compassion, or practice courage during a month when you especially need it. When the next month arrives, you could choose to repeat the focus or to find something new. The important thing is that you are checking in with yourself each month to see what feels right. You aren’t burdening yourself with a giant 365-day commitment in January that may feel irrelevant as you enter June or face September; rather, you have a chance to play every thirty days with something new.

Even Simpler 

Can our approach to the New Year be even easier? It can. You could draw a line down a sheet of paper and write two lists — one column labeled “more” and one labeled “less.” This idea was shared in an article on The Cut, referencing Julia Rothman’s Instagram feed where she shared her two lists. Keep it simple. We can even take this a step further. My colleague Rachel Kobin (Founder and Director of the Philadelphia Writers Workshop) has the gentlest, simplest approach I’ve seen yet. In 2023, her New Year’s Resolution was to “see what happens.” She shared that deciding to “see what happens” definitely set her up for less disappointment. It also helped her feel grateful for all the good things she experienced. As for 2024? She smiled: “I’m planning on making the same resolution this year.”

Wishing you beautiful simplicity in the New Year, self-acceptance in the process, and ease in navigating life’s ups, downs, and unexpected turns.

Elizabeth Venart, LPC, is the Founder and Director of The Resiliency Center of Greater Philadelphia. She specializes in supporting Highly Sensitive People (including other therapists, teachers, and healers) to embrace their gifts and develop deeper self-trust. A Certified EMDR Therapist, Certified IFS Therapist, and EMDRIA-Approved Consultant, she leads trainings through the Syzygy Institute on the powerful integration of IFS and EMDR therapies for trauma resolution. She loves spiritual and nature-based poetry (Rumi, Hafiz, Mary Oliver, Joy Harjo, John O’Donohue) and leads a free monthly poetry evening. She also leads a weekly laughter yoga class, to encourage more joy and connection. To learn more, visit her website at https://elizabethvenart.com/.

Reflections on Impermanence

by Elizabeth Venart

The only constant in life is change. It is a well-known saying — and undeniably true.

As the last of the crimson and yellow leaves cling to their branches, awaiting descent and decay, I find myself reflecting on the universal experience of impermanence. It seems we are always in the midst of one season or cycle transitioning into the next. 

We know the yearly rhythm, how we move in a predictable path through the seasons of heat and cold, light and darkness. At the same time, on a given day or week, the change may surprise us. It may feel sudden or abrupt to us, no matter the date on the calendar. While every year has the same number of days, sometimes we experience time — and the shifting of the seasons — as if it is racing by. Summer flew by so fast! How is it already September? Or . . .  Didn’t the school year start yesterday? December came so fast! We may lament the end of a season, wishing it could last. Personally, I feel this way every autumn. I adore the fall foliage, the brilliant yellow, red, bronze, and orange, the tapestry of color in forests and hillsides. While I know the season itself will come again, I never know exactly how it will be — or how I will be or life will be— when it does. 

Known as the first principle in Buddhist philosophy, the Law of Impermanence teaches that all of life is perpetually in flux. Our sensory experiences (all we see, hear, touch, taste, and smell) convince us that everything is solid, steady, and reliable. As a result, our minds create a worldview that assumes permanence. However, the fundamental truth about nature is that everything is undergoing constant change. Our attachment to the illusion of permanence is seen as a primary cause of distress and suffering.

Can we accept and make peace with the inevitability of change and impermanence? The average person in our country will have three to seven careers in their lifetime — and twelve different jobs. Our work often evolves over time, sometimes surprising us with what pulls our attention and where we lose interest. Relationships change, with people growing closer or drawing further apart. Children grow older, leave the nest, embark on adventures, create their own meaning for their lives. As older generations pass, the next generation steps forward into the role of elder. Even our bodies are in a constant state of flux, beyond the obvious ways like injury, pregnancy, illness, and aging — but in all the tiniest ways; our bodies contain over 30 trillion cells, and about 330 billion cells replace themselves every day. In 80-100 days, 30 trillion cells are replenished.

Amidst all this change, we may long for the constant, the stable, the predictable, and the known. However, our attachment to things remaining the same is often the source of our discomfort, distress, and heartbreak. If, instead, we can accept impermanence — deeply understanding the transient nature of thoughts, feelings, experiences, and life itself — then we can fully appreciate the beauty of the present moment.

Knowing that nothing lasts can help us appreciate our time with those we love, moments of laughter and joy, awe, authenticity, connection. It can wake us from the dream of “always and forever” that may drive a mindless preoccupation with thoughts and things, achievement and reward. It can awaken us to the mystery, the ever-unfolding dance of being alive. When we don’t need things to be a certain way, we can open to things as they are. The beauty of a sunset, surrendering daylight into darkness. Sunrise in the morning, welcoming light’s return. The radiant smiles of couple exchanging vows. The tenderness of steadfast love at the bedside of the dying. Life is unpredictable. Open and present, here and now, unattached to how things should be, we may begin to experience a greater sense of calm with the unknown that awaits. 

As we enter the season of winter, perhaps we can welcome this time of darkness and quiet to contemplate the teachings on impermanence. Rather than racing to the finish line of another calendar year completed, we can be present. We can slow down, build a fire or light a candle, prioritize connection and coziness, savor the sweetness of a starlit night, and appreciate the gift of being alive.

Elizabeth Venart, LPC, is the Founder and Director of The Resiliency Center of Greater Philadelphia. She specializes in supporting Highly Sensitive People (including other therapists and healers) to embrace their gifts and develop deeper self-trust. A Certified EMDR Therapist, Certified IFS Therapist, and EMDRIA-Approved Consultant, she leads trainings through the Syzygy Institute on the powerful integration of IFS and EMDR therapies for trauma resolution. She loves spiritual and nature-based poetry (Rumi, Hafiz, Mary Oliver, Joy Harjo, John O’Donohue) and leads a free monthly poetry evening. She also leads a weekly laughter yoga class, to encourage more joy and connection. To learn more, visit her website.

Writing a Tribute or Praise Poem

by Elizabeth Venart

Eulogies provide an opportunity to reflect on a person’s life, sharing who they were and what they meant to us. The Cambridge Dictionary defines eulogy as “a speech, piece of writing, or poem containing great praise, especially for someone who recently died or retired from work.”  However, eulogies need not be reserved exclusively for funerals and endings. Tributes and praise poetry are additional spoken and written forms that celebrate and honor. The Academy of American Poets defines a praise poem as “a poem of tribute or gratitude.” [Insert link to: https://poets.org/glossary/praise-poem]. Praise poetry and singing have been (and continue to be) a significant practice in Africa and in cultures around the world. Praise poets perform at ceremonies, rituals, and festivities and use storytelling to capture the essence of the person being praised.  

“Your life is a poem,” proclaims Naomi Shihab Nye. We make poems by observing life and writing it down. Odes and tribute poems honor a specific subject of our observations and affection. They need not rhyme, and you need not know poetry. A list can be a poem. Any time we speak from the heart, our love is a living poem.

You know what you love about the people in your life. Maybe you just need some time to reflect — and a gentle prompt — to begin gathering your thoughts.  

Start with one person. Brainstorm a list of everything about the person that you see and appreciate. Looking through old photographs may help jog your memory. Personality, behaviors, strengths, unique qualities and habits, specific experiences you have shared. The simple words I love you are powerful, and details infuse life and meaning into that sentiment. Details show “I see you” and “I adore all these very specific things about you.” Tributes, both prose and poetry, can be built from everyday remembrances. Our descriptions provide snapshots, glimpses into a person, a relationship, a life being lived.

After writing the tribute toast for my friend’s birthday, I felt inspired to write another for my longtime friend who is moving from Pennsylvania to Denver. She is vibrant, full of energy, has strong opinions and a great sense of humor. I integrated shared memories, funny facts, and descriptions of how she shows up in the world. Here is a sample:

At my wedding, got us laughing, gobbling up red roses.
Dramatic toast, sang an Aria, did silly dance move poses.
Loves restaurants, Thai, comfort food, ordering lots of dishes.
Mac and cheese, roasted duck. Just skip the smelly fishes!

Having caught the writing bug by this time, I wrote several additional tributes in that same week. It was a delight to sit with pen and paper reflecting on everything I loved about the people in my life. Memories and fun details started springing to mind more easily. In writing each person’s tribute poem, I landed in the final line on my love and appreciation for them. The writing was a way to say “I see you” and “I love all I see.” My poems included one for a beloved child in the family. Keeping with a fun rhyming pattern that she would find engaging, I focused on things she loves and does right now. Children change so quickly. The poem reflects a snapshot in time of who she is in this moment, knowing some things will stay constant and other things (like her interests) may change. Here is an excerpt:

Fan of rainbows and purple, hearts and bright pink.
She’s clever, determined, can stare and not blink.
She’s playful and silly, loves gymnastics and soccer.
Loved her from first moment I held and rocked her.

“Your life is a poem,” proclaims Naomi Shihab Nye. We make poems by observing life and writing it down. Odes and tribute poems honor a specific subject of our observations and affection. They need not rhyme, and you need not know poetry. A list can be a poem. Any time we speak from the heart, our love is a living poem.

As we approach this February’s celebration of Valentine’s Day, why not carve out some time for creativity and put pen to page to honor those you love? Do you have a friend you would like to honor? A parent? A sibling? A teacher? A child? Perhaps you would like to write a love poem to yourself — as you are today or maybe an honoring of yourself at a different age.

Writing can be a lot of fun, but sometimes it is hard to get started. Since I’ve been having so much fun writing praise and tribute poems, I’d love to support you with yours. Poet and women’s writing group leader Tracie Nichols joins me in offering a free two-hour writing workshop (via Zoom) on Saturday, February 4th from 10 am - 12 pm. Our time together will include meditation, journal prompts, list-making, and invitations to speak from the heart. While our focus will be on one person in your life you want to honor, the process we share is one you can use again and again to tap into love — and create a piece that expresses it.

Writing is not the only way to share our love for what makes someone dear to us. Musicians write songs of tribute, some with words and some instrumental. Some photographers are very adept at capturing the spirit of their subjects, illuminating light, grace, zest, or other personality traits. Some artists draw or paint their loved ones, an expression that highlights their inner beauty. Creativity has no bounds. Neither does love. May it spring forth effortlessly from you and embrace you. To share love is to experience it. And that is always a good thing.

Elizabeth Venart, M.Ed., NCC, LPC, is a Licensed Professional Counselor and the Founder and Director of The Resiliency Center of Greater Philadelphia. She specializes in supporting Highly Sensitive Persons in embracing their strengths and living authentic, joyful lives. An Approved Consultant in EMDR Therapy and a Certified IFS Therapist, she offers clinical consultation and professional trainings to other therapists. She is passionate about supporting people in healing from trauma, making sense to themselves, decoding the puzzles that keep them stuck, and living their best, most fulfilling lives. Learn more at ElizabethVenart.com.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

Everyday Eulogy: Open-Hearted, Expressive Practices for a Kinder World

by Elizabeth Venart

In all our interactions, we have an opportunity to share the kindnesses that naturally arise in our hearts or to hold them in. Why bottle love or hold back that compliment on the top of your tongue? Why not share? 

When we express appreciation for those in our lives — for who they are and what they do — we have the opportunity to connect more deeply. They feel seen and loved. When we share compliments and appreciation with anyone with whom we encounter, we brighten their day. When we focus our eyes on beauty, our hearts fill. It’s easy to focus on things that frustrate or annoy us, but when we share what uplifts us, we can uplift others. Here are a few opportunities for everyday eulogy:

• Giving compliments (admiring style, a great smile, accomplishments both large and small, demonstrations of courage or endurance)
  
• Expressing appreciation for kindnesses we receive (a door held open, a home-cooked meal, a cup of tea, a helpful customer services rep, a friend who reaches out to say “hi”)
• Writing short pieces of prose or poetry to capture beauty and gratitude (earl grey tea on a quiet Sunday morning, oak tree after snowfall, health after illness, a child’s laugh)
• Taking photographs to capture moments of beauty, authenticity, connection, sparkle — training our eyes to see beauty and inviting our subjects’ natural light to come forward as we share how we see them (“you are fabulous!”).

Why Wait for the Eulogy?

by Elizabeth Venart

In December, a dear friend turned sixty. She and her husband were throwing a party to celebrate, inviting friends and family from every facet of her life. When she initially invited me to “a holiday party,” she didn’t even mention it was a milestone birthday for her. This friend is incredibly kind and thoughtful, funny, and welcoming. In part because she is so humble and unlikely to ask for attention or thanks, and in part because she is such a good person, I felt inspired to write a poem to toast and honor her. Rather than rely solely on my observations, I reached out to her husband, our shared friends, and a childhood friend of hers, to get their descriptions, memories, funny stories, and interesting details. Compiling the list from others and adding my own thoughts, I assembled a list poem, added some fun rhymes, and created a toast to honor her. Here is an excerpt:

Thoughtful, considerate,
Warm, caring, clever, bold.
Wicked sense of humor,
inner sparkle, heart of gold.

Bubbly, conscientious,
hard-working, fiercely loyal.
Invited over for dinner?
You’ll be treated like a Royal.

What mattered to me was not how perfectly things rhymed nor the rhythm following some specific pattern. Instead, I focused on capturing her spirit through description, infusing a sense of play, and, through heartfelt sharing and fun anecdotes about her unique talents and traits, making sure she felt fully seen.  

After doing this, I found myself reflecting on how infrequently we give people the gift of being honored in this way. If her husband hadn’t let me know it was her 60th birthday, would the idea of writing a tribute toast have even occurred to me? It is common practice to make toasts at weddings, anniversary parties and special birthdays. It is customary to write a heartfelt eulogy after someone has passed. But why do we wait for these moments? Why risk an opportunity to express the love and gratitude in our hearts?

Writing a Tribute or Praise Poem

Eulogies provide an opportunity to reflect on a person’s life, sharing who they were and what they meant to us. The Cambridge Dictionary defines eulogy as “a speech, piece of writing, or poem containing great praise, especially for someone who recently died or retired from work.”  However, eulogies need not be reserved exclusively for funerals and endings. Tributes and praise poetry are additional spoken and written forms that celebrate and honor. The Academy of American Poets defines a praise poem as “a poem of tribute or gratitude.” [Insert link to: https://poets.org/glossary/praise-poem]. Praise poetry and singing have been (and continue to be) a significant practice in Africa and in cultures around the world. Praise poets perform at ceremonies, rituals, and festivities and use storytelling to capture the essence of the person being praised.

“Your life is a poem,” proclaims Naomi Shihab Nye. We make poems by observing life and writing it down. Odes and tribute poems honor a specific subject of our observations and affection. They need not rhyme, and you need not know poetry. A list can be a poem. Any time we speak from the heart, our love is a living poem.

You know what you love about the people in your life. Maybe you just need some time to reflect — and a gentle prompt — to begin gathering your thoughts.

Start with one person. Brainstorm a list of everything about the person that you see and appreciate. Looking through old photographs may help jog your memory. Personality, behaviors, strengths, unique qualities and habits, specific experiences you have shared. The simple words I love you are powerful, and details infuse life and meaning into that sentiment. Details show “I see you” and “I adore all these very specific things about you.” Tributes, both prose and poetry, can be built from everyday remembrances. Our descriptions provide snapshots, glimpses into a person, a relationship, a life being lived.

After writing the tribute toast for my friend’s birthday, I felt inspired to write another for my longtime friend who is moving from Pennsylvania to Denver. She is vibrant, full of energy, has strong opinions and a great sense of humor. I integrated shared memories, funny facts, and descriptions of how she shows up in the world. Here is a sample:

At my wedding, got us laughing, gobbling up red roses.
Dramatic toast, sang an Aria, did silly dance move poses.
Loves restaurants, Thai, comfort food, ordering lots of dishes.
Mac and cheese, roasted duck. Just skip the smelly fishes!

Having caught the writing bug by this time, I wrote several additional tributes in that same week. It was a delight to sit with pen and paper reflecting on everything I loved about the people in my life. Memories and fun details started springing to mind more easily. In writing each person’s tribute poem, I landed in the final line on my love and appreciation for them. The writing was a way to say “I see you” and “I love all I see.” My poems included one for a beloved child in the family. Keeping with a fun rhyming pattern that she would find engaging, I focused on things she loves and does right now. Children change so quickly. The poem reflects a snapshot in time of who she is in this moment, knowing some things will stay constant and other things (like her interests) may change. Here is an excerpt:

Fan of rainbows and purple, hearts and bright pink.
She’s clever, determined, can stare and not blink.
She’s playful and silly, loves gymnastics and soccer.
Loved her from first moment I held and rocked her.

As we approach this February’s celebration of Valentine’s Day, why not carve out some time for creativity and put pen to page to honor those you love? Do you have a friend you would like to honor? A parent? A sibling? A teacher? A child? Perhaps you would like to write a love poem to yourself — as you are today or maybe an honoring of yourself at a different age.

Writing can be a lot of fun, but sometimes it is hard to get started. Since I’ve been having so much fun writing praise and tribute poems, I’d love to support you with yours. Poet and women’s writing group leader Tracie Nichols joins me in offering a free two-hour writing workshop (via Zoom) on Saturday, February 4th from 10 am - 12 pm. Our time together will include meditation, journal prompts, list-making, and invitations to speak from the heart. While our focus will be on one person in your life you want to honor, the process we share is one you can use again and again to tap into love — and create a piece that expresses it.

Writing is not the only way to share our love for what makes someone dear to us. Musicians write songs of tribute, some with words and some instrumental. Some photographers are very adept at capturing the spirit of their subjects, illuminating light, grace, zest, or other personality traits. Some artists draw or paint their loved ones, an expression that highlights their inner beauty. Creativity has no bounds. Neither does love. May it spring forth effortlessly from you and embrace you. To share love is to experience it. And that is always a good thing. 

Elizabeth Venart, M.Ed., NCC, LPC, is a Licensed Professional Counselor and the Founder and Director of The Resiliency Center of Greater Philadelphia. She specializes in supporting Highly Sensitive Persons in embracing their strengths and living authentic, joyful lives. An Approved Consultant in EMDR Therapy and a Certified IFS Therapist, she offers clinical consultation and professional trainings to other therapists. She is passionate about supporting people in healing from trauma, making sense to themselves, decoding the puzzles that keep them stuck, and living their best, most fulfilling lives. Learn more at ElizabethVenart.com.

Practices for Keeping Our Hearts Open

Sometimes the pain of the outer world is so great that it can feel challenging to keep our hearts open. It has been a rough two years. Throughout these unprecedented times, we have found meaning and hope, inspired by our work and supported by our connections as a community. In a recent conversation of Resiliency Center practitioners, we talked about the impact of having great empathy in a time of tremendous pain. We explored the ways we keep our hearts open and caring and how we stay resilient in the process. None of us are perfect at this. Like everyone, it is a work in progress. Below are some of the practices we have found most helpful.

1.      Self-Care. Nutritious food, quality sleep, exercise, rest, play, and time spent in connection with friends, family, and nature. This also includes being mindful about our media consumption. Like the food we eat, the media we consume has a big impact on our mood and outlook. When we prioritize the basics of good self-care, we have a greater capacity to be present with others.

 

2.      Holding the “and.” Brittiney George highlighted the importance of holding the “and,” that bridge between the anguish and the joy, the hate and the love. She spoke about how important it is to let them co-exist. Biologically, we are hard wired for survival.  That means we are set up to pay more attention to what is wrong. However, if we only let ourselves register what feels bad and don’t allow ourselves to also feel what feels good, we will be stuck in that fight-or-flight fear reaction and miss out on all the gifts life has to offer. Brittiney describes the “and” as “the color in the black and white world, the 64 crayon box with the sharpener in the back.” During times of acute distress, personally or globally, we may only see darkness. We may have to look harder for the color, for the goodness.

3.      Be present with our emotions. Jen Perry shared wisdom from Gabor Maté who states that one of the needs of humans as they are developing is the space to feel the full range of human emotions fully. Unfortunately, most of us are not given this space. As a result, we become fearful of our feelings and of other people’s feelings. When someone is expressing strong emotion we view it as a problem to fix, instead of an experience to experience. Efforts to silence our emotions can manifest in our bodies, in the form of headaches, pain, fatigue, and agitation. If we could feel safe to feel ours and others’ emotions fully, we could accompany each other on this journey with compassion instead of exhaustion. As we feel safe and soften, allowing ourselves to ride the wave of emotion, it is a wave: it rises, crescendos, falls again. By being present with whatever feelings arise within us, without working to stop that flow, we find a new freedom, a release, a relief, a freer inhale and exhale. Jack Kornfield in A Path with Heart writes: “What we find as we listen to the songs of our rage or fear, loneliness or longing, is that they do not stay forever. Rage turns into sorrow; sorrow turns into tears; tears may fall for a long time, but then the sun comes out. A memory of old loss sings to us; our body shakes and relives the moment of loss; then the armoring around that loss gradually softens; and in the midst of the song of tremendous grieving, the pain of that loss finally finds release.”

 

4.      One moment at a time. Resiliency Center practitioner Therese Daniels shares, “Thinking about how to help the whole world is extremely overwhelming and not possible. One moment, one person, one situation at a time. That’s what is possible. One small thing can create ripples that affect so many people. We can show up for ourselves and our people. Spread love, show love. If we think small, bigger things will happen, eventually.”

5.      Boundaries. Brittiney George reminds us that when we truly honor our needs and energy, our ability to be with, sit with, and hold space for others increases . Our ability to experience gratitude and joy does too. Begin by asking ourselves, “What do I have the capacity for that is sustainable for me?” Listen to the answer that arises. Honor that boundary.

6.      Connect to the goodness in humanity. Focus on acts of kindness. Read stories of heroism that emerge. We were moved by the story of the mothers in Poland leaving strollers at the train station for all the mothers arriving from Ukraine, the firefighters in New Jersey gathering firefighting uniforms, hats, and boots to send overseas, and the reporters risking their lives to tell the truth.

7.      Care, not Carry. It is also important to remember that while we can care deeply, we don’t have to carry what we care about. We can be with others without feeling responsible for them.

8.      Gratitude. We can find gratitude for the goodness in our own lives. And for life itself. Elizabeth Venart posted a daily gratitude post on Facebook for eighteen months. Some days featured seemingly trivial posts (catching that green arrow at the traffic light) while other days yielded more profound observations (reflecting on the kindness of a stranger, the beauty in nature, and the wisdom of a child). It not only helped improve her own outlook, but others responded that it uplifted their days as well. Seeing the old posts pop up on her Newsfeed still brings a smile. Of course, there is no need to make your reflections public. Keeping a daily gratitude journal of one to five things for which you are grateful can help shift your perspective and improve our mood. You could also experiment with writing down the positives from the day – moments of beauty, kind words spoken, favorite funny moments, a great line from a book you read, anything that uplifts or inspires. And why not include what you are looking forward to tomorrow? When we look for positives, we are likely to see more positives. What we garden (and water) grows.

Open-Heartedness in a Time of Heartbreak

by Elizabeth Venart

Facing my blank computer screen on March 7, 2022, I struggle to find words to adequately express my heartbreak at the devastation in Ukraine. I watch news reports of Russia violently invading, bombing buildings, destroying homes and neighborhoods, and sending millions of Ukrainian citizens fleeing their homeland. I watch footage of thousands escaping on foot and by train, with only a small backpack of possessions remaining from the life they cherished. I see the courage of those who stay, those who fight back, the leader who, despite the world’s estimation that he has only a fraction of the military resources of his attacker, stands up and demands his voice be heard and boundaries honored. I am awed too by the bravery of citizens in Russia who oppose their government’s actions, facing arrest, prison sentences of fifteen years, and worse.

As I watch news coverage from the comfort of my home, in my peaceful neighborhood, in a town free of explosions and terror, I am aware of my privilege. I recognize that we may be sitting on the precipice of a World War in which peace anywhere is potentially under threat. I also recognize that is not my experience in this moment. In this moment, I have the luxury of a relaxed in-breath and out-breath, the presence of my family members and pets, and the ability to reach loved ones over the phone and know they are safe. I can drive and travel unencumbered, and I know where I will rest my head to sleep at day’s end. I am acutely aware of these gifts of home and safety and peace – and sense more deeply the need not to take them for granted.  

Keeping our eyes and hearts open, our compassion intact can be some of the hardest work. Sometimes the cruelty and suffering we witness is so intense we may feel overtaken by anger and thoughts of vengeance. Or we may feel frozen in response to it. We may numb out, avoid the news, and avoid conversations for fear of hearing more news. We may become consumed in something rather mindless, like playing Wordle, Quordle, and Octordle (my favorite three distractions these days). We may tune out, shut down, pretend nothing is happening. It is natural to feel a whole host of emotions in response to suffering. It is also natural to experience these emotions in waves, rising and falling in our consciousness. 

It is painful to stand back and do nothing when our hearts feel the pull to help. If my nextdoor neighbor is struggling or has experienced a loss, I can sit with them. I can make a casserole. I can mow their lawn or clear the snow off their car. I want to help, to act, to do. But what can we do when the ones suffering are a continent away?

On a pragmatic level, there are some things we can do. We can participate in social and political activism – putting pressure on elected officials and corporations to impose sanctions and take actions that might have a positive impact. We can also make donations in support of humanitarian assistance in Ukraine. These actions do matter. (Resource links for sending aid to Ukraine appear later in the newsletter.)

Rather than succumb to a sense of futility about making a difference, we may seek an outlet for that inhibited desire. Maybe we organize a local food drive to help the homeless in our own community or volunteer for the Red Cross. Or maybe we channel that energy into training for a marathon, planning a family reunion, reconnecting with old friends. . . finding something we can do.

These are tumultuous times. Times of change, upheaval, fear, courage, heroism, and transformation. Many of us are only slowly re-emerging from a time of prolonged isolation. Connection is good for our souls. It provides a pathway through times of anguish. Invite opportunities for laughter among friends, meaningful conversation, sharing hugs and meals, reigniting our sense of community after two years of time apart. We can bolster one another.

In 1973, E.B. White responded to a despairing reader with the following letter of hope. While written in the context of that moment in history, the message's timeless and brought me some comfort. I hope his words will resonate with you as well.

As long as there is one upright man, as long as there is one compassionate woman, the contagion may spread and the scene is not desolate. Hope is the thing that is left to us, in a bad time. I shall get up Sunday morning and wind the clock, as a contribution to order and steadfastness.

Sailors have an expression about the weather: they say, the weather is a great bluffer. I guess the same is true of our human society — things can look dark, then a break shows in the clouds, and all is changed, sometimes rather suddenly. It is quite obvious that the human race has made a queer mess of life on this planet. But as a people we probably harbor seeds of goodness that have lain for a long time waiting to sprout when the conditions are right. Man’s curiosity, his relentlessness, his inventiveness, his ingenuity have led him into deep trouble. We can only hope that these same traits will enable him to claw his way out. Hang on to your hat. Hang on to your hope. And wind the clock, for tomorrow is another day.”

Elizabeth Venart is the Founder and the Director of The Resiliency Center and a Licensed Professional Counselor whose practice focuses on supporting Highly Sensitive Persons and other therapists (through counseling, clinical consultation and training). Her counseling and consulting work integrates EMDR Therapy and IFS to help people heal past trauma and experience transformational change. Her free offerings include  a weekly laughter yoga class, a monthly Rumi and Friends Spiritual Poetry Evening, and a monthly gathering for EMDR Therapists in the Greater Philadelphia area. To learn more, visit her website.