Why Self-Compassion is More Important Than Self-Esteem

by Jen Perry, MSEd, MA, LPC

In my work as a therapist, I find that people frequently come to therapy worried about self-esteem, either their own or that of their children or some other person they love dearly. Self-esteem is generally defined as confidence in one’s self-worth and abilities, as well as having a sense of value and self-respect. However, it is essential to remember that, as humans, we are verbs, not nouns. If valuing and respecting ourselves is the outcome we want, learning about and practicing self-compassion is the way to get there. 

One relevant pitfall I help people avoid is thinking of self-esteem as a fixed state, something you either have or don’t. Confidence and self-esteem are inherently unstable constructs. The truth is that any time we try something new, we will likely lack confidence, feel uncomfortable, and have a lot to learn. Having a growth mindset is so very helpful in these moments. A growth mindset allows for discomfort and stretching when we are growing and learning, which is part of the process of being human.

Self-compassion and a supportive mindset are far more helpful than this idea of “fixed” self-esteem when we find ourselves in new situations with an uncertain outcome.

Self-esteem tends to be viewed through a fixed mindset. This mindset doesn’t allow for growth or process. A fixed mindset purports that you either have the talent for something or you don’t.

Carol Dweck is a researcher who has examined the harmful effects of a fixed mindset. In a nutshell, people who identify with a fixed mindset in their talents seldom want to risk being in a situation that would challenge them or demonstrate they may not be as bright or talented as they think they are.  As a result, they don’t take risks to grow and develop as much as they could if they embrace a growth mindset. And if they do, they tend to blame others or conditions outside of themselves if things don’t go as well as hoped. They miss the opportunity to self-reflect. They miss the chance to grow.

Many people ask me if self-esteem is the root of all their problems. Their self-esteem is low or non-existent. If self-esteem were a tree, they would wish for a towering oak. They fear that they have a very sad sapling that has never had enough nourishment to thrive.

Let’s break down self-esteem. You’ll see why I think it is not only overrated but perhaps an inherently harmful construct that we would all be better off without. Then, I will discuss what may be more helpful.

Webster defines self-esteem as “confidence in one’s worth or abilities; self-respect.” In one aspect, it can be a global assessment of our skills and gifts and how we apply them. However, this is not the way humans typically experience self-esteem. Most humans I know experience situational, context-dependent self-esteem.

Instead of a global, broad-ranging, and honest look at ourselves, we experience how we feel in relation to our situations, the people we are with, and our experiences. In this light, self-esteem is an inherently unstable construct. Most of us gain confidence and belief in ourselves by doing. It’s common to feel situationally low self-esteem when experiencing something new or when our gifts and contributions are not recognized or valued. We are social creatures, and much of our “self-esteem” reflects how others see us, our performance, or our contributions at the moment.

So, I would like to propose that instead of being so fixated on where we are on the self-esteem meter – we focus instead on a more robust and stable construct rooted in a growth mindset: Self-Compassion.

Self-Compassion . . .

Self-compassion is a series of practices that nurture an attitude of kindness and support toward ourselves as we go through life's processes. Self-compassion is extending compassion to oneself in instances of perceived inadequacy, failure, or general suffering.

Kristin Neff is an associate professor at the University of Texas at Austin’s Department of Educational Psychology. She defines self-compassion as being composed of three main components:

• Mindfulness: Self-compassion requires a balanced approach to one’s negative emotions so that feelings are neither suppressed nor exaggerated. Negative thoughts and emotions are observed with openness so that they are held in mindful awareness. Mindfulness is a nonjudgmental, receptive mind state in which individuals observe their thoughts and feelings as they are without trying to suppress or deny them.
• Common humanity: Self-compassion also involves recognizing that suffering and personal failure is part of the shared human experience.
• Self-kindness: Self-compassion entails being warm towards oneself when encountering pain and personal shortcomings rather than ignoring them or hurting oneself with self-criticism.

If I continuously try new and creative things, I will repeatedly feel unsure and have “low self-esteem” feelings. What concerns me is how quickly we label children and evaluate their self-esteem. If self-esteem is going to be up and down throughout their lives situationally as they try new things, wouldn’t it be far more valuable to focus instead on Self-compassion? For a quick taste of what a Self-compassion practice might look like, check out my post here.

Do we want to risk our kids having a sense that we are worried about their self-esteem? Wouldn’t it be better to show them, and ourselves, how to meet ourselves with kindness, no matter where we are, who we are with, or what we are doing?

Jen Perry, MSEd, MA, LPC has been a psychotherapist for over 20 years. She specializes in helping highly sensitive people thrive in love, work, and parenting highly sensitive children. Jen is passionate about using mindfulness and compassion-based approaches to ameliorate human suffering. She can be reached at jen@heartfulnessconsulting.com  or 215-292-5056. Learn more at www.heartfulnessconsulting.com.

Raising Your Teen's Self-Esteem

by Katie K. May

You’re a concerned parent who has a teen with low self-esteem.

 You want your teen to feel confident enough to resist peer pressure.

 It breaks your heart to hear them make such negative comments about themselves when they look in the mirror.

 And, It’s painful to watch them fret over each blemish on their face and compare their bodies to those of their friends.

 You’re so afraid that they actually believe the critical thoughts they have about themselves and wonder how that will impact them.

 … will they give into peer pressure?

… will they make healthy choices or act impulsively to feel better in the moment?

… will today be a “good” day or a “bad” day and how will you manage the emotional roller coaster?

 If you’ve been telling your teen that they’re perfect and pouring on the compliments, you know that this just doesn’t work to change how your teen feels on the INSIDE.  What’s more, it may backfire and make them feel even worse. 

 Learn how to help your teen improve their self-esteem by focusing on the strengths that they already have!  Try my top three techniques for improving teen self-esteem here:

Help your teen do something that makes them feel confident each day.  Maybe this means playing a sport, but maybe it means reading a book.  Tune in to what your child’s strengths are and then encourage them to partake in activities that highlight these strengths.  In this way, your teens are gaining the experience of feeling confident in some way each day.

Help your teen reflect on what went well in each day.  Often times we ruminate on what went wrong and play it over and over again in our minds.  When you can help your teen begin to see what they are doing right in a day, it can rewrite that story.  What’s more, when you help them see how their specific actions helped to create these positive experience, it empowers them to continue to make positive choices that improve self-esteem.

Focus on the process and not the outcome.  Be mindful of how you talk to your teen about success and begin to really listen to how they talk about themselves in front of you.  Challenge any thoughts that are uttered aloud like, “I’m a mess” or “I can’t do it.”  Help them see that while they may not be able to meet a bigger goal YET, that when broken down into smaller steps while highlighting the progress, that they are capable of getting to where they want to be.

And, because it takes a village to support a family, try these tips from other amazing and skilled therapists in our community…

As a play therapist and creative counselor for teens, Elizabeth Campbell recommends finding the balance between independence and support to help build self-esteem.  "Adolescence is a time when teens are developing both independence and their concept of their identity, so it is very important for parents to support these in healthy ways! One option is for parents to recognize and reflect character qualities of their child rather than achievement," she says, "Another way is to toe the line of granting kids space to figure things out on their own while still maintaining appropriate boundaries. This helps teens to achieve a sense of self-efficacy in their efforts."

Jen Perry, therapist and Peaceful Parenting coach and shares her top tip for parents to, "Begin teaching their teen (and themselves!) about the connection between our basic human needs and our emotions. Negative emotions most often arise from basic needs for health, connection, and meaning not getting met. A sense of self-mastery and self-esteem naturally arises when we can train ourselves to identify the unmet need, meet the negative emotion with self-compassion and empathy, and take concrete steps to get the need met. This life skill can also be applied to relationships with others which can help teens begin to take things less personally in relationships and become skillful in helping others meet their needs as well. “Helping your teen look inward and be more aware of what they need in the moment, as well as joining with them to communicate this need can improve self-esteem and the parent child relationship.  

Finally, Clinical Social Worker, Kim Vargas reminds parents to point out the positives each day. "Self doubt and difficulty seeing positive aspects of self are hallmarks of the teen years. As a parent, you are in the unique position to boost your child's self esteem by being the storehouse of their positive traits and actions. At least once each day, try to point out a positive trait your teenager has, and a specific behavior you observed that day to support the trait. For example, mention to your teen that she has always been a generous person, and then note how she offered to come over to help her grandma fix her email problems."  By sharing what's going well, you can help your teen accumulate self-esteem day by day.

Self Esteem: Rethinking How We View Ourselves

by Kim Vargas, LCSW

The way that we feel about ourselves drives most parts of our existence. It determines who our friends are, the jobs we choose, the way we parent, and the life experiences we allow ourselves to have. And it turns out that it is actually our perception of self, and not factual information about self, that is the real driver of how we feel. In other words, research shows that what we say to ourselves about our actions and accomplishments determines how we feel about those actions and accomplishments.

In 1953, DW Winnicott, a well-known pediatrician and psychoanalyst, posited the theory that there is a “good enough mother”. He explained this type of mother as someone who is consistently meeting the basic needs of her baby, and is providing a loving and nurturing environment. However, he is clear that this mother is far from perfect; she has anger, ambivalence, and exhaustion in addition to the positive engagement with her baby. Thus, if a mother judges herself on being a “perfect” mom, she will constantly feel that she is failing. If, however, she is able to recognize that her parenting is “good enough” for her child to thrive, she can frequently feel successful as a mother.

I work with a lot of new moms, and I absolutely love this concept of the good enough mother. I began to ask myself whether this same thinking might apply to other life issues. It seemed like if people could define what was truly good enough, and then give themselves permission to meet that expectation, there might be much more room for success, leading to an overall increase in self esteem. I started to ask clients to try out the idea of being “good enough” rather than perfect, with respect to their roles as spouse, adult child, employee, friend, and homemaker.

Almost without exception, clients are initially loath to consider the concept of “good enough”.  At the outset, people hear this as an invitation to mediocrity and settling for less. I am quick to explain that “good enough” does not mean striving for a substandard level of accomplishment – it means setting realistic expectations of self in any given situation, on any given day, and striving to meet those particular expectations. In addition, “good enough” may change depending on the day or situation. As people try out this notion of “good enough”, they generally find they are sending themselves increasingly positive messages about their actions and behaviors. In other words, their perception of self in a particular situation is positive if they are truly able to meet their own realistic goals. These experiences of perceiving self differently can contribute to a rise in self worth.

There are two tricks to making “good enough” truly good enough. The first is to give yourself actual permission to do something in a different way than you might ordinarily plan to do it. The second is to speak to yourself positively and kindly after the fact, rewarding the accomplishments.

For example, let’s say you’ve made it a goal to exercise 4 times per week. In the upcoming week, you have several projects due at work, and many family commitments. You might decide that “good enough” means that you will only exercise two times, or that you’ll exercise all four times, but for a much shorter than normal amount of time. Either way, “good enough” is different that week than it might be last week or next week. However, exercising two times will only actually be good enough if you tell yourself in advance that it is really okay, and if you give yourself positive feedback for your accomplishment afterwards.

The idea of “good enough” can feel complicated and may take some experimentation to determine what is truly good enough for you in a given situation. But I challenge you – consider giving yourself permission today to be good enough at something, rather than perfect.

Kimberly Vargas, LCSW is a psychotherapist working with adults and teens who want to address self esteem, anger, depression (including postpartum issues), and anxiety. She can be reached at 267-568-7846 or kimvargastherapy@gmail.com.