by
Katie May
You’re a parent with a
teen who’s struggling emotionally. Maybe they are anxious and full-on panic at
the thought of a crowded room (even with familiar faces and family members in
it.) Maybe they are depressed and withdrawn, and the concept of joy and
laughter are so far off from their everyday that it feels cruel to ask them to
smile for yet another picture when you know that it will be fake and plastered
or trigger them to burst into tears.
You’re sitting back
silently like an elf-on-the-shelf to avoid saying or doing something that will
set your teen off or cause them to act out impulsively or self-destructively.
At this point you may be
thinking, “Aren’t the holidays supposed to be fun?”
But from past experience
you know that holidays and families can bring up baggage that causes way more
stress than the everyday routine.
Many parents white-knuckle
the winter break and repeatedly mutter the mantra “Just one week” until school
resumes. (Oh yeah… there’s another transition and yet another opportunity
for your teen’s symptoms to increase… and for everything to fall apart again.).
Or, they spend the holiday
season putting out fires and managing conflicts and crises as they arise with
no clear plan for how to cope ahead and make the necessary changes that make
the holidays run smoothly. In fact, many therapists work this way
too! And if we’re being honest here, it’s just not working anymore.
When I work with teens in my
teen groups we practice a Dialectical Behavior Therapy (DBT) skill called Cope
Ahead. This idea is that we can begin to prepare for difficult situations
by being mindful of how we may think, feel and behave in them and making a plan
for how we will manage this in the moment.
One fun example of this is
if you know that grandma is going to ask you twenty questions about why you’re
not on the cheerleading squad and why you don’t like wearing pink, then you can
make a game of it. Create a bingo board for yourself on an index card to
keep in your pocket and every time grandma makes a critical comment, check one
off the board until you’ve “won” the game. You can’t change grandma, but
you CAN shift your reactions to be more effective. I guarantee this game will
have you laughing at your own personal inside joke rather than sulking sullenly
in the corner!
Another example may be
recognizing that a holiday will make you feel sad or empty because you lost a
loved one and you miss them. You can cope ahead by creating a memory jar
or journal where you can record everything you remember about the holidays you
shared together. You can lead a discussion at the dinner table and ask
others their favorite holiday memory of the loved one you lost.
Or, if being around people
makes you nervous because you don’t know who will be there or what to say to
them, you can do some prep work. Make a list of everyone who will attend
the gathering or party and decide on at least one topic that you can ask them
about. Also, write down three to five topics you like to talk about, such
as what TV shows you’re watching or what’s new in your life that you’d be
willing to share. Having a set plan for what to say and who to say it to
creates a structure for talking to people that takes some of the pressure off
when you may freeze in the moment.
Coping ahead isn’t about
making the feelings go away; it’s about using the knowledge you have about
those feelings to change your experience into one that works for you instead of
against you.
It’s time to have a plan
for this holiday season! I’ve called together a group of amazing
therapists to help you prepare for how to manage an angry, sad or self-hating
teen this winter. (And they are ready and prepared to support your teen
in Winter Coping Skills Camp too! More at www.creativehealingphilly.com/winter-coping-skills-camp)
Take some time for you and
tune in to this video series for parenting teens. In just a few short
videos you’ll be equipped with the tools you need to cope ahead with holiday
triggers that your teen may experience. And you’ll likely learn at least
a thing or two about how to create a stronger bond with your teen and help them
manage their emotions on an ongoing basis too!
As a teen therapist, I
know that adolescence can be a challenging time for my clients. I support
six groups of teens who all share similar struggles with anxiety, depression
and/or self-harm behaviors. And I want you as a parent to feel supported
too.
In this parenting support
video series, you will learn:
·
How
to peacefully communicate with your teen in a way that helps them make choices
that are aligned with your family values
·
How
to help your teen manage anger and disappointment in healthy ways that build
self-esteem
·
How
to help your teen go from self-loathing and critical to feeling strong and
empowered
·
How
to use self-soothing skills to help your teen manage anxiety and dis-ease
·
Why
encouraging your teen to use the arts as a creative outlet is beneficial for
both of you
To learn more about Winter
Coping Skills Camp and to watch the parenting support video series, click here:
www.creativehealingphilly.com/winter-coping-skills-camp-for-parents
