by Trudy Gregson,
MS, LPC
“If your compassion does not include yourself, it is
incomplete.” – Jack Kornfield
As we continue to adapt and manage our lives under the
unusual circumstances of COVID-19, it’s as important as ever to make sure we’re
giving ourselves the care and attention we need. In fact, according to Kristin
Neff, one of the world’s leading experts on self-compassion, “When we go
through major life crises, self-compassion appears to make all the difference
in our ability to survive and even thrive.”
I’ve noticed that we often find it easier to feel compassion
for others – for our children, our friends, our pets – than to turn that compassion
towards ourselves. For some, self-compassion may feel like self-pity or
selfishness or weakness, or they may believe that being hard on themselves
motivates them to “do better”. We may use harsh words towards ourselves as a
way to protect us from the harsh judgments of others, perhaps as an attempt to
inoculate ourselves. Paradoxically, it has the opposite effect. Harsh
self-judgment - our inner critic - makes us feel worse, not better.
To understand what self-compassion is, it may help to understand
the difference between compassion and empathy. They’re similar in the way they
both require us to put ourselves in another’s shoes. However, compassion
includes the ability to stay present with another’s pain without being
overwhelmed by it, and to be able to help from a place of love and kindness.
Staying present with our own pain can be quite difficult, and people are very
resourceful in finding all sorts of ways to escape it, but our escapes are
short-lived. Self-compassion, on the other hand, is limitless once it is
cultivated.
Kristin Neff describes self-compassion as, “being warm and
understanding toward ourselves when we suffer, fail, or feel inadequate… it
involves recognizing that suffering and personal inadequacy is part of the
shared human experience and… taking a balanced approach to our negative
emotions so that feelings are neither suppressed nor exaggerated.” Practicing
self-compassion expands our ability to achieve growth and change for ourselves,
as well as to support others. When we’re able to feel compassion toward
ourselves, it fortifies us from the inside out and makes us more resilient in
the face of adversity.
A 2017 study published in Health Psychology Open found
that “people who have higher levels of self-compassion tend to handle stress
better.” Dwelling on stressful events can create chronic health issues
including spikes in blood pressure and blood sugar, along with suppression of
the immune system. Self-compassion is the antidote. Research has
consistently shown that self-compassion decreases anxiety and depression
symptoms by improving our ability to better handle stress and allows us to have
more emotional resources to share with others.
To cultivate self-compassion, try using:
Physical gestures, such as placing your hand on your
heart or giving yourself a gentle hug (even it feels a little silly at first).
This releases oxytocin, the feel-good hormone.
Compassionate language towards yourself. Notice what
you say to yourself – is it critical or is it supportive? Practice speaking to
yourself as you would to a child or a good friend.
Self-care –Make yourself a cup of tea, spend some
time in nature, get adequate sleep and physical activity, prioritize your own
needs by saying no sometimes. Remember, it’s self-care, it’s not selfish.
In her new book, “Radical
Compassion”, Tara Brach shares how practicing RAIN can help us to be more
compassionate towards ourselves. RAIN is an acronym to help us remember four
steps for practicing self-compassion when we’re experiencing a difficult
emotion or a holding a painful belief about ourselves:
R: Recognize what’s going on inside of you.
Notice what’s happening in your body. Notice feelings of tension, pressure,
anxiety, ruminating thoughts, or whatever response you’re having, and just gently
bring your attention to it.
A: Allow what is happening to happen, just by
breathing, being present with it and letting it be. You may not like the
feeling, but see if you can set an intention not to judge it or try to fix it
or change it.
I: Investigate what feels most difficult and
ask the part of you that holds the tension or discomfort how it’s trying to
help you. Ask it what it needs from you.
N: Nurture it by using tender language,
gestures, or your breath to be present with and bring comfort to this part of
you.
Self-compassion is the salve that eases our suffering –our
everyday experiences of stress, frustration, anger, or feeling badly about
ourselves. It takes courage to be able to stay present with uncomfortable
feelings, so be gentle with yourself as you begin to practice bringing more
self-compassion into your daily life.
Trudy Gregson, MS,
LPC, is a Licensed Professional Counselor providing counseling to adults
experiencing depression, anxiety, issues related to trauma, life transitions,
and relationships. Trudy customizes her approach according to each client’s
needs, using Internal Family Systems Therapy (IFS), Mindfulness, and Cognitive
Behavioral Therapy (CBT) as the foundation for their work together, helping
clients to notice, bring compassion to, and acceptance of their inner
experience. Trudy can be reached at trudygregsontherapy@gmail.com
or at 267-652-1732.