Why Wait for the Eulogy?

by Elizabeth Venart

In December, a dear friend turned sixty. She and her husband were throwing a party to celebrate, inviting friends and family from every facet of her life. When she initially invited me to “a holiday party,” she didn’t even mention it was a milestone birthday for her. This friend is incredibly kind and thoughtful, funny, and welcoming. In part because she is so humble and unlikely to ask for attention or thanks, and in part because she is such a good person, I felt inspired to write a poem to toast and honor her. Rather than rely solely on my observations, I reached out to her husband, our shared friends, and a childhood friend of hers, to get their descriptions, memories, funny stories, and interesting details. Compiling the list from others and adding my own thoughts, I assembled a list poem, added some fun rhymes, and created a toast to honor her. Here is an excerpt:

Thoughtful, considerate,
Warm, caring, clever, bold.
Wicked sense of humor,
inner sparkle, heart of gold.

Bubbly, conscientious,
hard-working, fiercely loyal.
Invited over for dinner?
You’ll be treated like a Royal.

What mattered to me was not how perfectly things rhymed nor the rhythm following some specific pattern. Instead, I focused on capturing her spirit through description, infusing a sense of play, and, through heartfelt sharing and fun anecdotes about her unique talents and traits, making sure she felt fully seen.  

After doing this, I found myself reflecting on how infrequently we give people the gift of being honored in this way. If her husband hadn’t let me know it was her 60th birthday, would the idea of writing a tribute toast have even occurred to me? It is common practice to make toasts at weddings, anniversary parties and special birthdays. It is customary to write a heartfelt eulogy after someone has passed. But why do we wait for these moments? Why risk an opportunity to express the love and gratitude in our hearts?

Writing a Tribute or Praise Poem

Eulogies provide an opportunity to reflect on a person’s life, sharing who they were and what they meant to us. The Cambridge Dictionary defines eulogy as “a speech, piece of writing, or poem containing great praise, especially for someone who recently died or retired from work.”  However, eulogies need not be reserved exclusively for funerals and endings. Tributes and praise poetry are additional spoken and written forms that celebrate and honor. The Academy of American Poets defines a praise poem as “a poem of tribute or gratitude.” [Insert link to: https://poets.org/glossary/praise-poem]. Praise poetry and singing have been (and continue to be) a significant practice in Africa and in cultures around the world. Praise poets perform at ceremonies, rituals, and festivities and use storytelling to capture the essence of the person being praised.

“Your life is a poem,” proclaims Naomi Shihab Nye. We make poems by observing life and writing it down. Odes and tribute poems honor a specific subject of our observations and affection. They need not rhyme, and you need not know poetry. A list can be a poem. Any time we speak from the heart, our love is a living poem.

You know what you love about the people in your life. Maybe you just need some time to reflect — and a gentle prompt — to begin gathering your thoughts.

Start with one person. Brainstorm a list of everything about the person that you see and appreciate. Looking through old photographs may help jog your memory. Personality, behaviors, strengths, unique qualities and habits, specific experiences you have shared. The simple words I love you are powerful, and details infuse life and meaning into that sentiment. Details show “I see you” and “I adore all these very specific things about you.” Tributes, both prose and poetry, can be built from everyday remembrances. Our descriptions provide snapshots, glimpses into a person, a relationship, a life being lived.

After writing the tribute toast for my friend’s birthday, I felt inspired to write another for my longtime friend who is moving from Pennsylvania to Denver. She is vibrant, full of energy, has strong opinions and a great sense of humor. I integrated shared memories, funny facts, and descriptions of how she shows up in the world. Here is a sample:

At my wedding, got us laughing, gobbling up red roses.
Dramatic toast, sang an Aria, did silly dance move poses.
Loves restaurants, Thai, comfort food, ordering lots of dishes.
Mac and cheese, roasted duck. Just skip the smelly fishes!

Having caught the writing bug by this time, I wrote several additional tributes in that same week. It was a delight to sit with pen and paper reflecting on everything I loved about the people in my life. Memories and fun details started springing to mind more easily. In writing each person’s tribute poem, I landed in the final line on my love and appreciation for them. The writing was a way to say “I see you” and “I love all I see.” My poems included one for a beloved child in the family. Keeping with a fun rhyming pattern that she would find engaging, I focused on things she loves and does right now. Children change so quickly. The poem reflects a snapshot in time of who she is in this moment, knowing some things will stay constant and other things (like her interests) may change. Here is an excerpt:

Fan of rainbows and purple, hearts and bright pink.
She’s clever, determined, can stare and not blink.
She’s playful and silly, loves gymnastics and soccer.
Loved her from first moment I held and rocked her.

As we approach this February’s celebration of Valentine’s Day, why not carve out some time for creativity and put pen to page to honor those you love? Do you have a friend you would like to honor? A parent? A sibling? A teacher? A child? Perhaps you would like to write a love poem to yourself — as you are today or maybe an honoring of yourself at a different age.

Writing can be a lot of fun, but sometimes it is hard to get started. Since I’ve been having so much fun writing praise and tribute poems, I’d love to support you with yours. Poet and women’s writing group leader Tracie Nichols joins me in offering a free two-hour writing workshop (via Zoom) on Saturday, February 4th from 10 am - 12 pm. Our time together will include meditation, journal prompts, list-making, and invitations to speak from the heart. While our focus will be on one person in your life you want to honor, the process we share is one you can use again and again to tap into love — and create a piece that expresses it.

Writing is not the only way to share our love for what makes someone dear to us. Musicians write songs of tribute, some with words and some instrumental. Some photographers are very adept at capturing the spirit of their subjects, illuminating light, grace, zest, or other personality traits. Some artists draw or paint their loved ones, an expression that highlights their inner beauty. Creativity has no bounds. Neither does love. May it spring forth effortlessly from you and embrace you. To share love is to experience it. And that is always a good thing. 

Elizabeth Venart, M.Ed., NCC, LPC, is a Licensed Professional Counselor and the Founder and Director of The Resiliency Center of Greater Philadelphia. She specializes in supporting Highly Sensitive Persons in embracing their strengths and living authentic, joyful lives. An Approved Consultant in EMDR Therapy and a Certified IFS Therapist, she offers clinical consultation and professional trainings to other therapists. She is passionate about supporting people in healing from trauma, making sense to themselves, decoding the puzzles that keep them stuck, and living their best, most fulfilling lives. Learn more at ElizabethVenart.com.

Tending Your Spark

by Jen Perry

This month is, of course, February and Valentine’s Day. It got me thinking about love of all kinds and in trying to sift through what I want to say about it. I was inspired by this Chinese proverb: “Keep a green bough in your heart and the singing bird will come” Talking about love is such a ginormous undertaking that quite frankly I am finding myself without words (quite inconvenient!) as I try to write this to you. Instead of pushing too hard against my writer’s block I have decided to tell you a little about my self-compassion group and give you a collection of quotes that I hope will delight and inspire you as well as links to books, exercises, and posts designed to help you keep that green bough in your heart. I find that this is especially pertinent this time of year when the trees are waking up and the sap starts to flow but we can’t see any green yet. Reaching out to the light and warmth of self-compassion can serve us well this time of year.

In my work with clients I call it tending our spark. I suppose if I were to re-write the proverb using my metaphor it would be something like “tend to the spark in your heart and the fire will light.” In the words of Jeff Foster, “Love is not something you beg for ~ it is something that radiates from within you.” Of course we don’t always feel love or loving. We can’t really control how we feel. What we can do is tend to the conditions that help love to arise within us more and more frequently. One of the best ways I know how to do this is through self-care and self-compassion.

            "The toughest thing is to love somebody who has done something mean to you. Especially when that somebody has been yourself." — From Episode 1665 of Mister Rogers' Neighborhood

In my self-compassion group and meeting with individual clients, we work on self-love, self-kindness and self-care. As Fred Rogers said, “When we love a person, we accept him or her exactly as is: the lovely with the unlovely, the strong along with the fearful, the true mixed in with the façade, and of course, the only way we can do it is by accepting ourselves that way.” It can be very, very hard to love ourselves this way so often in group we work slowly, slowly, slowly. Tending our spark and meeting ourselves right where we are. If we try to throw too much wood on a fire we can put out the spark! It is ok for this to be aspirational at first, and for as long as necessary. Sometimes the very best we can do is offer the hurting parts of ourselves and the parts we so often reject: “May I be kind to this part of myself, may I show myself compassion, may I soften to myself and this experience of human life” As one self-compassion group participant observed: “When we apply the warmth of self-compassion to our most raw emotions they soften and begin to become ever so easier to experience and be with ourselves.” One of the most generous aspects of life is that if we make an honest effort at something, no matter how small and slowly we grow into it, learn and see developments and improvements. Self-compassion isn’t an all or nothing thing. It is connection, a relationship with yourself. To quote the beloved Fred Rogers again: ”Love isn’t a state of perfect caring. It is an active noun like 'struggle.' To love someone is to strive to accept that person exactly the way he or she is, right here and now.” Of course, this includes ourselves and all parts of ourselves, even the parts we often want to reject or eliminate altogether.

Self-compassion practices can help maintain the connection and conditions that help love to burn bright in our hearts. This makes it easier to love others around us. These practices can be strengthened and learned. The self-compassion break is a wonderful exercise to use and a good place to start. Learn more about it here. [insert link: https://heartfulnessconsulting.com/the-self-compassion-break/] and here. [insert link: https://self-compassion.org]

If you are curious about the Self-Compassion Group please do reach out. I will be starting a new group soon that will meet online via secure video platform. I’d be delighted to talk to you about it.

Jen Perry, MSEd, MA, LPC has been a psychotherapist for 20 years. She specializes in helping highly sensitive people thrive in love, work, and parenting highly sensitive children. Jen is passionate about using mindfulness and compassion-based approaches to ameliorate human suffering. She can be reached at jen@heartfulnessconsulting.com  or 215-292-5056. Learn more at www.heartfulnessconsulting.com.