by Jennifer Perry, MSEd, MA, LPC
We all know that self-care is
important. Perhaps you’ve heard the metaphor about the oxygen mask and putting
your own on first. Or the saying that you just can’t pour from an empty cup.
For caregivers and everyone else, it is imperative that we make our self-care a
non-negotiable.
Why?
Because we matter. For those of us who
are focused on caring for others, hearing that we matter may not be incentive
enough to prioritize self-care. Or it may feel at odds with our caretaking of
others. But how we show up for others makes a difference. And
prioritizing our own self-care helps us show up with love and energy.
Consider a parenting challenge faced
daily in many homes: Bedtime. If you are grouchy because you haven’t eaten, are
dehydrated, haven’t slept well, or are still carrying significant stress from
your day, it may be very difficult to bring the same patience and care to your
child’s nighttime protests. If, on the other hand, you are in a good mood and
feel at ease, you are much more likely to bring humor and creativity to any
conflicts that arise. Or at least to move through the challenge with greater
calm and perspective.
Strong self-care allows us to live
fully engaged, vibrant, resilient lives in the face of whatever ups and downs
life is throwing our way.
In my work as a counselor and parenting
coach and in my own healing work, I have come to appreciate three dimensions of
self-care. While most of us are familiar with the first, examining all three
may be the most helpful in deepening our thinking and expanding our practice of
caring for ourselves.
The first dimension includes common self-care
practices. These include exercise, diet, meditation, drinking water, spending
time on hobbies, spending time with loved ones, giving yourself a treat, etc.
Unfortunately, this list can sometimes feel like a weighty list of “shoulds”
against which we measure ourselves, defeating the purpose and becoming a source
of stress instead of a sanctuary.
The second dimension is less about
specific activities and much more about the way
we approach every task and moment in our lives and less about what we are doing. Can we be present
while doing any mundane life task (including any from the list above) in a way
that acknowledges we are a living, human being whose energy matters. We are not
machines to be judged by what we accomplish everyday. Instead, our everyday
tasks are our lives, not something to power through so we can live in
some distant future moment when everything is done and we’ve been productive
enough. Some examples include listening to favorite music while doing the
dishes, calling friends to talk while commuting, picking up fresh flowers weekly
for your office, lighting a candle before you work or pay bills, cooking dinner
as a family. The possibilities are endless and can be as individual as your
fingerprint. If we are doing the tasks in the first category but rushing
through them or simply checking a box to say “done,” we may find ourselves just
as depleted as if we were not engaging in self-care practices at all. The how matters.
The third dimension is all about our
self-talk. In my individual work with clients and in my mindfulness and self-compassion
group, we look very carefully at our inner dialogue. Are we talking to ourselves
with kindness and support? Or is our inner world full of sarcasm, self-judgment,
and self-deprecation? Is our inner world a safe, caring place to dwell? Our patterns
of self-talk are mental habits that can be examined and, over time, shifted
towards greater kindness and generosity. With empathy and self-compassion
practices, we can learn to soften the harsh, critical voice in our head and
turn our inner world into a self-care haven.
Painful experiences in the past may
have instilled challenges to all three dimensions of self-care, making it hard
to recognize that we are worthy of care, setting up patterns of rushing or
avoidance that make mindful attention to the present moment difficult, and
creating recorded critical messages that are all-too-easy to play in a loop
internally. As a trauma-informed therapist, I understand the impact of these
painful experiences and partner with individuals, couples, and groups to help
them unburden the weight of the past so that they can experience greater
freedom and care for themselves well. You deserve to enjoy your life. I’d love
to explore with you ways you can do just that.
Jennifer Perry is a Licensed
Professional Counselor, Peaceful Parent Educator and Coach. She is passionate
about mindfulness and loves her work helping people relate more compassionately
to themselves and to others while learning how to thrive and build lives that
they love. She can be reached at 215-292-5056 or jen@heartfulnessconsulting.com
www.heartfulnessconsulting.com
