Getting Unstuck

by Trudy Gregson, MS, LPC

 

I had this idea for an article about what keeps us stuck and how to become unstuck, but I kept getting stuck. For real. Would it resonate with readers? Would it be any good? Would people think I’m not good for writing a not-good article? I laughed to myself. I think I’m on to something!

 

I went for a run, my first run in quite a while. I listened to a book while I ran, my mind wandering occasionally off the narrator’s tale to my article idea and the possibility that I wouldn’t find a better idea, then to thoughts about missing the deadline, and possible ways to get out of writing it. I’d feel a little tension and then brush the thoughts away. When I got home and my breath and my heart rate gradually returned to normal, some space opened up. I grabbed a notebook and pen.

 

As I sat there in the aftereffects of my run, I got curious. What was the fear about the article? It wouldn’t be interesting or helpful. I don’t have enough to say on the topic. It won’t be up to the standards of the community for whom I’m writing.  And if any of those things are true, then what?

 

Sitting in this calm, curious state, I stayed with the fear. I set aside the words and the feelings that told me to panic and asked them to wait a few minutes so I could get to know this feeling of fear of not being good enough. I got comfortable with just sitting with it. I thought of the compassionate words of Kristin Neff, author of the book, Self-Compassion: “Everyone is imperfect.” Writing is imperfect. I’m imperfect. Feeling some compassion for my imperfection was like a weight off my shoulders. It just didn’t seem to matter as much how my article was received. It felt more important just to share it from my heart, with the intention that it might resonate with some readers, and it might help them with their own feelings of “stuckness.” And I’d meet my deadline.

 

As I settled into these feelings of compassion, my fear felt heard, cared for, understood.  It didn’t feel so pressing. There was space for the writing to happen, to unfold in its own imperfect way. I felt clarity. I will write an imperfect, possibly helpful, certainly heartfelt article. And that will be good enough.

 

One of the reasons people come to therapy is because they’re feeling stuck in some way. They so badly want something to change, but something else is holding them back. The belief is that if only they could get past that thing that’s holding them back, they could achieve their goal, get what they need, be happier. Like a car stuck in the mud, our impulse is to spin our wheels to become unstuck. But what if feeling stuck is actually an invitation, an opportunity to explore a fear that we didn’t fully realize was there?

 

I’ve noticed that the part of us that wants to move forward is usually the one that gets all the attention. That’s the one that asks a friend for advice, or makes a therapy appointment, or agitates about writing the article. So we double-down, trying to devise a strategy to solve this problem. Paradoxically, the more we double-down, the more stuck we get. Because the one with the power – the fear – is being ignored, avoided. Because it’s uncomfortable and a little scary.

 

The fear is the one who stands by, shaking its head thinking, “Try all you want, but you’re not going anywhere, because I’m afraid if we go there, you won’t be safe. And my job is to keep you safe.” It’s a basic survival instinct. And then it’s a tug-of-war between wanting something to change and the fear of what will happen if something changes.

 

We start becoming unstuck when we stop trying to push through the fear and instead, open up some space and give it some attention. Bringing some curiosity to it: “I wonder how this fear that keeps me stuck is trying to help me?” As hard as this may be to believe, its intentions are good, even if it frustrates us. So we listen.

 

There are other ways to open up space besides running. I know I’m not alone in getting some of my best ideas in the shower. Perhaps it’s the rhythm or warmth of the water, the pulsating sensation on the skin, or the absence of distractions that opens up some space in one’s mind. Some people open up space by meditating, or stroking their dog or cat, or doing any task mindfully. There’s something about being immersed in the sensory experience of a run or a walk, a shower, a pet, or even gently scrubbing soapy dishes that magically opens up some space.

 

This space provides an opening for us to bring attention and some kindness to the fear, allowing it to soften enough to tell you why it does what it does. Then the opponents in this tug-of-war can discover that they actually have the same goal, a desire to protect you from the same thing; they just have opposite ways of going about it.  When the thing they protect is healed, then they can work together to help you reach your goal instead of working against each other.

 

We’re all wired to fight, flee, or freeze in the face of fear. It takes courage to go towards the fear. So the next time you feel stuck, try noticing it as an adventure:  You’re at the beginning of discovering a fear, and if you can find even a drop of courage, you may experience feeling stuck as an exploration – and then the healing can happen.

 

Trudy Gregson, MS, LPC, is a Licensed Professional Counselor providing counseling to adults experiencing depression, anxiety, issues related to trauma, life transitions, and relationship struggles. Trudy customizes her approach according to each client’s needs, using Internal Family Systems Therapy (IFS), Mindfulness, and Cognitive Behavioral Therapy (CBT) as the foundation for their work together, helping clients to notice, bring compassion to, and find acceptance of their inner experience. To connect with Trudy, please email her at trudy@trudygregsontherapy.com or call her at 267-652-1732.

Steps to walk yourself through grief-related guilt

by Kim Vargas, LCSW

Name the feeling. Do not allow yourself to just call it guilt without really digging deep to determine whether you believe you actually have something legitimate that you feel you did wrong. Talk to someone you trust about these feelings.

Acknowledge cumulative grief if applicable. Ask yourself whether some of the grief/guilt might be related to a previous loss. If so, be mindful of the cumulative effect of the grief.  Naming and assigning the grief to its separate roots can be helpful.

Address any legitimate guilt. If you do determine that you have done something wrong, try to find ways to make amends or plan to behave differently in the future. Remind yourself that you cannot change the past, but you can take control of the future.

Accept the sadness. Once you have acknowledged grief as the primary emotion, allow yourself to feel the sadness. Sometimes it is better to sit in the pain than to try to banish it without examination. It can be especially helpful to process these feelings with a trusted individual.

Practice self care and self compassion. Grief takes a tremendous toll on people. In order to keep functioning, it is vital to take care of yourself. In addition, having compassion for oneself makes the process easier. There may be times when the grief is crushing, and other times when it feels more manageable. Giving yourself grace during the hardest times will encourage healing.

Empower yourself. Given that part of the guilt may be a dysfunctional way to feel more in control, it is useful to find healthy ways to empower yourself. This may or may not be related to the grief itself. In some cases, finding empowerment in any realm of one’s life can be incredibly beneficial. This may mean a major life shift, but more often takes the form of something in the moment. Accomplishing a task, cleaning your house, or going out for a run are small examples that may have a large impact.

Thriving

by Elizabeth Campbell, MS, LPC, RPT-S

 

During a time of crisis, we often feel as if we are just surviving from one day to the next, sometimes one minute to the next.  We are in a time of unprecedented crisis.  Not only are we experiencing a global pandemic that has lasted 7 months, we are also experiencing a shift of the systemic racism that has plagued our country for centuries being brought to light.  And there is an extremely contentious presidential election that is omnipresent.  The combination of long lasting and intense stress as well as multiple additional factors is enough to put everyone in a place where our stress is outweighing our resources.  In order to not just survive, but thrive during a crisis, I remember the four C’s:  Compassion, Care, Caution, and Comedy.

 

Self-compassion is the foundation and perhaps the most important ingredient in thriving.  We all need some grace right now.  We are mourning, we may be under financial stress, and we certainly have more to digest and worry about right now.  All of these emotions take up a lot of space and leave less room for all of our other life tasks and roles.  I urge you to show yourself some care and compassion for not getting the last load of laundry done or forgetting that thing on your to do list.  It is very, very understandable right now.  Show yourself the love and understanding that you would give you in your most treasured relationships. 

 

Self-care is another essential ingredient in thriving.  It is important to note that yes, self-care includes bubble baths and manicures.  It also includes saying no to things when there is too much on our plate, taking care of our basic needs, and filling up our tank with whatever works the best for us.  It is important to note that often in times of crisis, we return to the comfortable coping skills that most likely were a survival skill in a difficult time in our life.   Examples of these are shutting down, overworking as avoidance, or disconnection from others.  It is completely normal that you may have shifted into some of these old patterns.  But it is also important that we evaluate when negative consequences of a survival skill outweigh the positive.

 

And that leads us to caution.  Remember self-compassion?  It is okay if we are eating a bowl of ice cream every night, have a glass of wine, or are bickering more with our loved ones.  But if that turns into bingeing, substance abuse, or constant conflict, it is important to hold ourselves accountable and seek support in order to get back on track.  A measuring stick for if our means of coping are doing more harm than good is if the negative outcomes outweigh the positive and most importantly, if it is impacting your functioning. 

 

Comedy is my very favorite component of crisis thriving.  This includes seeking levity via tv shows, movies, books, limericks, or whatever get you giggling.  It also encompasses finding joy in your day to day in whatever way you can.   For instance, a gratitude practice, recognizing whatever small thing we are thankful for in the day, can shine joy in the darkest days. 

 

It is important to note that the nature of crisis is that our stress outweighs our resources.  It is a daunting task to try and shift the balance.  If you need support in this, please connect with your network or reach out to us at The Resiliency Center for whatever support can assist you in thriving.

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Elizabeth Campbell is a Licensed Profession Counselor who provides empowerment and strength-based support to individuals in personal growth and change.  She specializes in play therapy with children, family therapy, creative counseling for adolescents, and trauma-informed treatment for all ages using an integrative, mindful approach to address the whole individual and promote healing.  .If you would like to connect with Elizabeth, reach out at elizabeth@elizabethcampbellcounseling.com or 610-757-8163 or learn more at www.elizabethcampbellcounseling.com

 

Deepening Self-Care

by Jennifer Perry, MSEd, MA, LPC

We all know that self-care is important. Perhaps you’ve heard the metaphor about the oxygen mask and putting your own on first. Or the saying that you just can’t pour from an empty cup. For caregivers and everyone else, it is imperative that we make our self-care a non-negotiable. 

Why? 

Because we matter. For those of us who are focused on caring for others, hearing that we matter may not be incentive enough to prioritize self-care. Or it may feel at odds with our caretaking of others. But how we show up for others makes a difference. And prioritizing our own self-care helps us show up with love and energy.

Consider a parenting challenge faced daily in many homes: Bedtime. If you are grouchy because you haven’t eaten, are dehydrated, haven’t slept well, or are still carrying significant stress from your day, it may be very difficult to bring the same patience and care to your child’s nighttime protests. If, on the other hand, you are in a good mood and feel at ease, you are much more likely to bring humor and creativity to any conflicts that arise. Or at least to move through the challenge with greater calm and perspective.

Strong self-care allows us to live fully engaged, vibrant, resilient lives in the face of whatever ups and downs life is throwing our way. 

In my work as a counselor and parenting coach and in my own healing work, I have come to appreciate three dimensions of self-care. While most of us are familiar with the first, examining all three may be the most helpful in deepening our thinking and expanding our practice of caring for ourselves. 

The first dimension includes common self-care practices. These include exercise, diet, meditation, drinking water, spending time on hobbies, spending time with loved ones, giving yourself a treat, etc. Unfortunately, this list can sometimes feel like a weighty list of “shoulds” against which we measure ourselves, defeating the purpose and becoming a source of stress instead of a sanctuary.

The second dimension is less about specific activities and much more about the way we approach every task and moment in our lives and less about what we are doing. Can we be present while doing any mundane life task (including any from the list above) in a way that acknowledges we are a living, human being whose energy matters. We are not machines to be judged by what we accomplish everyday. Instead, our everyday tasks are our lives, not something to power through so we can live in some distant future moment when everything is done and we’ve been productive enough. Some examples include listening to favorite music while doing the dishes, calling friends to talk while commuting, picking up fresh flowers weekly for your office, lighting a candle before you work or pay bills, cooking dinner as a family. The possibilities are endless and can be as individual as your fingerprint. If we are doing the tasks in the first category but rushing through them or simply checking a box to say “done,” we may find ourselves just as depleted as if we were not engaging in self-care practices at all. The how matters.

The third dimension is all about our self-talk. In my individual work with clients and in my mindfulness and self-compassion group, we look very carefully at our inner dialogue. Are we talking to ourselves with kindness and support? Or is our inner world full of sarcasm, self-judgment, and self-deprecation? Is our inner world a safe, caring place to dwell? Our patterns of self-talk are mental habits that can be examined and, over time, shifted towards greater kindness and generosity. With empathy and self-compassion practices, we can learn to soften the harsh, critical voice in our head and turn our inner world into a self-care haven.

Painful experiences in the past may have instilled challenges to all three dimensions of self-care, making it hard to recognize that we are worthy of care, setting up patterns of rushing or avoidance that make mindful attention to the present moment difficult, and creating recorded critical messages that are all-too-easy to play in a loop internally. As a trauma-informed therapist, I understand the impact of these painful experiences and partner with individuals, couples, and groups to help them unburden the weight of the past so that they can experience greater freedom and care for themselves well. You deserve to enjoy your life. I’d love to explore with you ways you can do just that.

Jennifer Perry is a Licensed Professional Counselor, Peaceful Parent Educator and Coach. She is passionate about mindfulness and loves her work helping people relate more compassionately to themselves and to others while learning how to thrive and build lives that they love. She can be reached at 215-292-5056 or jen@heartfulnessconsulting.com www.heartfulnessconsulting.com 

Listening to the Body

By Dana Barron

The human body has the innate capacity to heal, given the proper conditions. While outside interventions may facilitate healing, the body is doing the actual healing work. The more we can tap into and enable that innate capacity, the healthier and more resilient we will be. The first step is to learn to pay attention to and respect the body’s messages. Symptoms are signals, guides. They indicate that our system is out of balance, that we need to take action to return to equilibrium. Pain is a message to stop. Fatigue is a message to rest.

This all may seem obvious, but it is not what we are conditioned to do. We are more likely to fight our symptoms than to heed their signals. We live according to clocks and calendars, not the rhythms of the body. And so we learn to “power through” discomfort. We treat symptoms as nuisances to be overcome or quieted. We respond to pain with medications, fatigue with food or caffeine, and use antacids and gas pills for indigestion. And medicine – with its focus on procedures and pharmaceuticals -- is based more on fighting symptoms than on asking why they are there in the first place. Quelling symptoms may allow us to continue to function, but over time the cost of ignoring what the body is telling us can be very serious.

As a health coach, I start with helping clients reorient their understanding of the body’s messages. We look closely at symptoms, physical sensations, and emotional reactions. We enlist them as clues in the search for root causes. This is the first step in creating an environment where healing can happen. We start discovering correlations and patterns, many of which point to easy solutions. Often we find that removing something can be more powerful than doing something or taking something.

Listening to your body is also of way of regaining power and control over your health. Many people see their bodies as a “black box,” a machine that requires an expert to repair.  There are certainly times when medical intervention is essential and miraculous. When symptoms get strong or persistent, it’s wise to seek expert guidance. View it as a partnership – bring your knowledge and wisdom into the exam room. Enlist health professionals as allies in your search for the reasons behind symptoms. Be cautious about interventions that just mask symptoms.

If something is bothering you, give this strategy a try. Track your symptoms along with your diet and your daily activities. Try pausing when a symptom arises, and think creatively about what your options are. Can you rest briefly rather than reach for something to perk you up or relieve an ache? Try a dietary or lifestyle change and see if it helps you feel better. Over time you will cultivate your intuition and wisdom and the benefits will multiply.