Bonding for Life: FirstPlay Therapy

by Vanessa Mortillo

How do we know when we are in a healthy intimate relationship? What might we notice? Empathy? Mutuality? Comforting Touch? Security? Are skills for healthy relationships something we are born with, or can we learn these?  Expanding out further into community, friendships and social interactions: How do we balance the needs of others in a way that allows us to be part of a community without losing sight of ourselves?

The science shows that we are actually not born with these skills, but that the bonding during infancy and in our earliest years creates a roadmap for healthy relationships in the long term and is vital to the baby’s developing brain. Healthy bonding in infancy and childhood establishes a safe base for children and a felt sense of confidence in the world — referred to in child development research as secure attachment.  Without nurturing touch, interaction and play, babies cannot survive and feel secure. Through caregiver attunement, or the caregiver’s ability to notice and attend to their baby’s needs, a baby begins to feel securely attached, learns empathy, healthy coping strategies, a positive sense of self, and a good relationship with their body.

Attunement can be challenging with infants because they are not able to tell us what their needs are with language. In an ideal world, we would have all received attuned caregiving — full of back and forth play and connected interactions  — and enter parenthood knowing how to do this with our babies. However, in our human world, many of us may not have received this and grapple with increasing demands for our attention (including work obligations and technology). In addition, complications in the birthing process can include trauma and mental health challenges for parents and babies that impacts these early bonding experiences.

The good news is that regardless of what has happened in our lives, we can learn skills for healthy relationships. No matter our age or stage of life, it is possible to develop our abilities, changing ourselves and fostering healthy growth in our children. To help parents build these critical skills, Dr. Janet Courtney, an internationally recognized teacher and play therapist, developed FirstPlay Therapy, a short-term intervention, to support parents with skills for attuning to and bonding with their baby or child under 5. FirstPlay engages the powers of play, infant massage/touch, and story to build your bond and set your baby up for healthy growth and development.

In FirstPlay therapy, parents learn skills for relaxing themselves, creating daily times for connection with their child, reading and responding to their child’s cues, fostering back and forth playful interactions, and providing healthy touch. The benefits of FirstPlay impact the child’s development, increase caregiver confidence, and support parents with postpartum depression. And even better news: FirstPlay interventions can be done with children up to 5 years of age to continue to strengthen healthy bonding. 

For more information about FirstPlay therapy, contact Licensed Professional Counselor and trained FirstPlay therapist Vanessa Mortillo at vanessamortilloepcs@gmail.com or (267) 507-5793. Vanessa has a play therapy office at The Resiliency Center where she works with children and families to support healthy attachment, facilitate trauma healing, and help children with sensitivity, autism, and emotional and behavioral challenges to cope better, enjoy life, and thrive. 

Intentional Self-care for the Winter Doldrums

by Olivia Ruffin, MS, LPC

As the excitement and cheer of the holidays come to a close, friends and family go back to their homes, and it’s time to get back to reality, it can be difficult to find balance in our ordinary schedules. In addition, for those who experience loss, negative experiences, or struggle with Seasonal Affective Disorder (SAD) the winter months can present as a physical and emotional challenge. So as not to get stuck in the “New Year, New Me” wave, here are some tips that can help increase self-care through the winter months and support new experiences, self-compassion, and inner peace.

Live-in alignment with the seasons

“Slow down and enjoy life. It is not only the scenery you miss by going too fast — you also miss the sense of where you are going and why.” Eddie Cantor

Winter is a time for hibernation and to slow down and reflect. It can be difficult with our ever-growing “to-do” list and social pressures to resist the urge to take on new projects. It can be hard to shift our focus from a doing state to one of rest and reflection. The key is to give yourself permission to slow down. A few steps you can take is to practice saying “no”, especially to events and activities that you find draining. I like to support my clients in developing a sense of serenity by practicing mindfulness.

Mindfulness is paying attention to the present moment on purpose, which creates an opportunity to experience happiness and joy. The practice of mindfulness can include guided meditation, practicing gratitude, observing the activity around you on a nature walk, or singing your heart out in the shower. One of my favorite activities to do with clients is to create a gratitude jar; as they accumulate the collection, they are reminded that even on our toughest days, there is still goodness in our world. Developing your own brand of mindfulness is what makes the experience fulfilling and unique.

Maintain a healthy seasonal diet

“In Chinese Medicine, the season of winter is thought to be the most yin of seasons: dark, cold, and slow; a time of conserving energy, rest and stillness, with our qi moving deeper inward to help keep us warm.”-- Jayne Whitman

Chinese medicine teaches us to live in harmony with the seasons. The best method to keep our bodies in balance in winter is to have a mainly warm diet with foods available in the session. To find out what your body needs, stay up to date with your doctor's visits and maybe consider working with a nutritionist. If you struggle to be creative in the kitchen, working with a nutritionist can be a great support to increase confidence and knowledge about foods that bring you joy and keep you satisfied. Sometimes the best medicine starts with what's on the plate.

Revisit a hobby

Hobbies have great benefits for your mental health, whether it’s creative, athletic, academic, by yourself, or with others. Hobbies help us to slow down and unwind. Hobbies also help us to reduce stress, increase mood, and boost creativity. Revisit the joy of reading or try listening to an audiobook and allow yourself to be swept away by the story. Maybe you'd enjoy learning a new skill like crafting, cooking, or learning to play a musical instrument. These are all methods to not only practice mindfulness but bring back simple joys. Does a hobby come to mind? Don't be shy. Now could be the time to enjoy it again.

Stay connected

Just because the holidays are over doesn't mean the fun has to stop there! Staying connected to others is a great way to beat the loneliness of winter. If you are feeling healthy and confident, maybe get back to in-person activities like attending faith-based events, meeting a friend for coffee or dinner dates, or finding friends through new experiences on Eventbrite or Meetup. These are all methods to keep and find meaningful connections.

Intuitive movement

“Intuitive movement is the practice of connecting and listening to your body to figure out how it feels and what type of movement it needs that day.”-- Rachel Harley

I support my clients with the Dialectical Behavioral Therapy (DBT) skill of opposite action. We all have that nagging feeling, “I should get up and move,” but what you might not know is that “should statements” motivate us with guilt or shame.  While that can sometimes get us started, rarely is that movement or change enjoyable or sustainable. Learning to settle into your body and asking yourself what movement would be fulfilling for you right now could be the key to unlocking sustainability and creativity. From yoga to dancing to playing with your kids in the snow, noticing if it feels good to move your body differently is what counts!

Although the winter months can be cold and gloomy, that doesn't mean your self-care routine needs to suffer. By living in alignment with the season and slowing down, staying warm, and reflecting through mindful engagement, you can increase joy and connection even in the middle of winter. If this sounds like a new resolution you can get behind and you need support to get started, then I might be the therapist for you! Let's get connected!

Olivia Ruffin, MS, LPC is a Licensed Professional Counselor that works with teens and adults. She specializes in working with individuals with anxiety, depression, and life transitions to cultivate joy and develop helpful and relevant strategies to empower clients with concrete tools for lasting change. To connect with Olivia, please call 267-434-1030. Learn more here. 

Healing for Helpers

2022 March Newsletter:  Healing for the Helpers

 

Healing for Helpers

by Vanessa Mortillo

 

“My mother would say to me, ‘Look for the helpers. You will always find people who are helping.’ To this day, especially in times of disaster, I remember my mother’s words, and I am always comforted by realizing that there are still so many helpers — so many caring people in this world.” – Fred Rogers

 

From the hospital staff who have showed up for the sick and dying, to the parents who work double duty supporting their children and maintaining normalcy, to our teachers, daycare and eldercare staff, clergy, mental health professionals, first responders, and service workers, it is comforting to know that helpers are everywhere. Yet, it is difficult to find words that do justice to their extraordinary struggles during this pandemic. Many helpers rose to meet challenges head on, and many are tired.

 

For anyone in a helping role, it is important to pay close attention to your own wellbeing. The classic airline safety instruction, “Put on your oxygen mask first before helping others,” is so true. Yet, so many helpers charge forward with little attention to their inner lives. If this sounds like you, I see you.  You may have been taught that taking time for yourself is selfish or fear that showing vulnerability will be concerning to others. As a result, you may not be asking for support when you need it.  I often hear the phrase “I am so done” from frustrated parents, teachers, and youth that I work with. Exhaustion, depressed mood, hopelessness, and frustration are all signs that it may be time to focus on your own healing. Doing so will expand your ability to help others immeasurably.

 

An oft overlooked aspect of healing is staying connected to other people and our community. Dr. Bruce Perry, a renowned child psychiatrist and trauma expert, states, “Relationships are the agents of change, and the most powerful therapy is human love.” Dr. Perry found that even short, positive 5-minute conversations with other people, spread throughout the day, can shift internal energy from distress into homeostasis. Connecting to community might look like asking trusted friends to check in, making an effort to call people more frequently, planning quality time with loved ones, or even joining a new community. This is one of the reasons the Resiliency Center offers classes and workshops. We understand that humans thrive in community.

 

Below are a few more self-care tips to support your healing journey:

 

·      Self-compassion: Understand that you are often simply doing your best with what you have available to you. You are just one human dealing with a lot, and it is okay to take breaks and attend to your own needs first. Give yourself grace if you make mistakes. Commit to loving kindness meditation practices.

 

·      Attending to your body: Moving, exercising, and massage can release tension and stress as well as relieve parts of your body that carry emotional burdens. Feed yourself foods that nourish you.

 

·      Seek therapy: If you have lost someone, have been exposed to trauma, or simply would like support as you support others or to experience your own healing, invest in therapy.

 

As many challenges as we face as helpers, there are many ways to cope. Creating a sustainable lifestyle that allows you to be your best self while helping others may involve getting to know yourself better and finding the self-care strategies that work best for you. We hope you take time for yourself and take care.

 

Vanessa Mortillo is a Licensed Professional Counselor with extensive training in play therapy. Utilizing mindfulness, expressive arts, and play-based interventions, Vanessa provides a playful space to harness creativity and imagination in the service of growth and healing. To learn more about her practice, view her profile or contact her at vmortillo@gmail.com or 267-507-5793.

Seeking Spaciousness at Summer’s End

by Elizabeth Venart

No matter our age, summer often registers in our system as “play time.” We are more likely to spend our time outdoors, take vacations, attend outdoor concerts, and stay up late.  And the month of September – Labor Day specifically – often marks the end of this time of recreation. Schedules fill up and the demands on our time grow. We feel the tug to return to “life as normal”. Darker, cooler days ahead, we retreat more and more indoors, losing some of the spaciousness of summer.

So that begs the question – How do you feel about your home? We react to the decreased sunlight – yes – but we may also be reacting to a weightiness we feel when we spend increased time inside the four walls of our home. Does your home feel warm and welcoming? Does it feel like a sanctuary? Are you able to rest and play comfortably in your home? Or does it feel stifling, more like a prison of expectations and shoulds, unfinished projects, old memories, and clutter?  

                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                      

One of the things I love about my work as a counselor is helping people find spaciousness inside, identify what truly resonates in their lives, and make choices to let go of what no longer serves them. Perhaps this is why I have become a tad addicted to the Netflix show, Tidying up with Marie Kondo. Marie is a Japanese Cleaning Consultant who wrote the book, The Life-Changing Magic of Tidying Up, and her show helps people create lives of deeper love, connection, and joy – through the process of tidying. When we tune into our experience of joy and arrange our homes in a way that highlights this joy, everything we see has a positive emotional resonance for us. “Focusing solely on throwing things away can only bring unhappiness,” Marie Kondo explains. “We should be choosing what we want to keep, not what we want to get rid of.” Through the KonMari process, she invites us to take each item in our hands and ask ourselves, “Does this spark joy?” and if it does, keep it. If it does not, thank it for the role it has played in our lives – and then let it go.

On her television show, some participants express confusion initially about what Marie means by “sparking joy,” but once they get the sense of it, the clearing begins to move more quickly and more easily. It is so individual – and purely subjective (although I’ve never seen anyone keep a ripped, thread-bare t-shirt). An item that resonates with one person won’t resonate for another – which is why we can never successfully clear clutter for anyone else. Happily, when we release items, we create the possibility they can spark joy for someone new.

Marie Kondo invites us to listen to and honor our heart’s desire. Like in my work, this process of deeply listening to oneself can be truly transformative. Embarking on the KonMari process myself – and talking with friends and clients who have done it – the overwhelming response is one of gratitude, a feeling of lightness, and an increase in energy. People also comment on the positive ripple effect in their lives. The practice of tidying not only helps us create spaciousness and joy in our homes, it also helps us tune into ourselves – the inner compass of our intuition – to assess what resonates and doesn’t in all aspects of our lives. What hobbies and habits nourish – and drain? What relationships feed us? Which don’t?

Taking the time to connect and be this honest with ourselves can bring up some real discord – within ourselves and with the people in our lives who may have certain expectations of how and who we should be. My work as a counselor involves helping people come home to themselves – with acceptance, self-compassion, and deep appreciation for their many facets. The internal changes made in our work together reflect outwardly and impact family, friends, and workplace relationships. Usually these relationships are strengthened. But is also becomes clear when others’ values and one’s own are at odds.

As older generations pass away, many objects may be passed down. Some may spark joy – connecting us to fond memories and having a place of honor in our china cabinets and on our walls. But many may also bring a weight of obligation, a heaviness, a tug to the past that pulls us away from the vibrancy of the present moment. We may feel an obligation to hold onto our grandmother’s china, father’s cufflinks, or uncle’s rifle because they loved it, even though we know we don’t.

When letting go is challenging, unprocessed grief and endings that feel unfinished are often at the root. It is unsettling when relationships haven’t had the closure we felt we needed at the time – whether because of conflict, death, divorce, or disconnection. I recently had a conversation with Natalia Volz, author of Passing through Grief about this. She reflected, “Before we can let go or move on, it is important to take some time to examine all that relationship meant to us, to clean up unfinished communication, and to say goodbye to what was. It does not mean we forget. It simply means clean it up so that we do not get stuck in the past painful feelings. We carry forward all of the relationship and the ways it made us who we are today because of it.”

Similarly, Marie Kondo writes, “It is not our memories but the person we have become because of those past experiences that we should treasure. This is the lesson keepsakes teach us when we sort them. The space in which we live should be for the person we are becoming now, not for the person we were in the past.”

Reflecting on the uplift in mood possible from something as simple as a vase of fresh-cut flowers, imagine a whole home – and a whole life – that truly resonates. Our home can be a place of peace, inspiration, comfort, and happiness. Michelangelo said he carved away everything that was not the sculpture, as the beauty of the sculpture was hidden, waiting patiently inside the stone. Like Michelangelo and his stone, when we carve away all that does not spark joy, we free what waits inside us, yearning to have a more central role in our lives.

Surrounded by objects we select with intention and love, our time indoors this fall and winter can bring happiness, comfort, a sense of spaciousness, resonance, and ease. We live our lives in the present moment, and, in a home that nourishes us and supports us in exploring what has us curious today, our time indoors can be as relaxing, enjoyable, and fun as summer.

Elizabeth Venart is the Founder of The Resiliency Center. She is a Licensed Professional Counselor, Certified EMDR Therapist, and EMDRIA-Approved Consultant who specializes in providing counseling and mentorship to other therapists. Trained in laughter yoga and Internal Family Systems, she loves working to empower Highly Sensitive Persons to heal the wounds of the past so that they can embrace their gifts more fully and experience greater joy. Learn more at www.elizabethvenart.com or by contacting her at ElizabethLPC@comcast.net.

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Burglar Proofing Your Home

Burglar Proofing Your Home:  Benefits of Emotional Boundaries

By Brittiney George, BS, CRS, ICI, CEIM

Most of us have learned to burglar proof our home.  We lock our doors when we leave, close the windows, and we don’t invite random strangers off the street to come in and rummage through our possessions.  But what about your emotional home, your personal space?  How often do you feel that someone has invaded your space and hijacked your emotions?  All of us have friends, co-workers, or family members that may be invaders.  They break in and take up space and create emotional havoc in our lives.  People that after a conversation leave feeling better, while you’re left feeling robbed.  You can’t always avoid them, and it may not be possible to cut them out of your life, but you can learn to protect your space in their presence.

We often mistake being vulnerable for being open or authentic.  Being authentic doesn’t mean that everyone gets a free pass to all of you.  It means being aware of the environment you’re in and the people you’re with, and choosing what or how much of your story you share.  Your story, YOU, should be honored.  Someone that does not honor you should not get a free pass to go mucking about in your emotional home.  So what do you do?  Start by creating clear personal boundaries.  When you don’t have clear boundaries you can feel walked over, twisted up, bent out of shape, powerless, paralyzed, bruised, or always on guard (in other words, you carry the world in your body and with it a lot tension and stress!).  It can literally be a painful existence.  When you have clear boundaries, others know how to be in relationship with you.  They might not like it, they may not always agree with you, but they know what to expect and therefore how to move with you.  

One of my favorite quotes is: 

“I will not let anyone walk through my mind with their dirty feet.”-Mahatma Gandhi

I love this quote because you wouldn’t let someone walk in your house with dirty feet, and yet so often we let our experience with another person walk through our minds leaving a trail of mess behind them for us to clean up.  It’s important to protect your space and create emotional boundaries so that your home doesn’t get pillaged.  How do you do that?  Below are some practical tools from some of The Resiliency Center Practitioners to help protect your personal space before going into a stressful environment or as a means to take care of yourself if you feel like your space has been invaded:

Burglar Proofing Tools:  Tools To Protect Your Space Prior To Or During Conflict.

• Essential Oils:  Our sense of smell can be a great grounding tool.  Essential Oils and blends can help support relaxation and grounding.  A practitioner favorite:   “boundaries in a bottle” from Dori Midnight’s apothecary [Insert link: http://www.dorilandia.com/html/apothecary.html]. (Courtesy Elizabeth Venart)

• Visualize Boundaries Exercise: Take a comfortable seat and deeply breathe in and out.  Notice your feet on the floor, and how your body feels.  Begin to imagine that your boundaries had physical qualities.  Maybe it's a big bubble, or maybe a brick wall.  Notice what it feels like to experience your boundaries.  Now begin to imagine yourself at your most comfortable space.  Notice if your boundaries shift at all.  Imagine yourself at school or work.  Notice if your boundaries change in that environment.  Imagine that anyone else's negativity or emotions coming towards you are immediately deflected by your boundary.  Bring yourself back to the present moment, again noticing if your boundaries shift. Notice how your body feels and if any emotions have come up during this exercise.  Slowly blink your eyes open and begin to notice things you see around you.  Practice makes perfect with visualization of boundaries.  The more that you practice this exercise, the easier it is to increase your boundaries when you need more protection.  (Courtesy Elizabeth Campbell)

• Focused Breath and Imagery:  “During conflict, it is common to hold your breath or, especially if you are highly sensitive, to mirror the breathing pattern of the person with whom you are having a conflict. By returning to your own breath and deepening it, you can soothe and calm your nervous system and remind yourself you’re okay. If you feel your energetic space is being encroached upon in a conflict, take deep breaths and in the exhale, imagine your breath carrying you further away from the person to give you more space.” (Courtesy of Elizabeth Venart)

Tools For After A Difficult Encounter:

• Shake Off The Stress: Small rhythmic movement help ease muscles and the nervous system.  Shake out your hands, your shoulders, your hips, your legs, and your feet.  Let your whole body shake and shimmy and let out your breathe in a big sigh.  Imagine the negative energy shaking right off your body and getting soaked up by the ground.  (Courtesy Brittiney George)

• Rinse Off The Stress:  Water is a great energy conductor.  Run water over your arms and hands.  Imagine that you’re peeling an energetic glove off from your elbow to your fingertips and letting the negative energy or anxiety run right down the drain.  This is a great exercise to do in the shower.  Imagine that you’re washing of the anxiety or stress and letting it all run down the drain. (Courtesy Brittiney George)

• Ton glen Meditation:  Breath in how you are feeling-whatever the emotion is without judgement or analyzing.  Breathe out love.  Repeat for 5-20min. (Courtesy Jen Perry)

• Releasing the Judgement Meditation:  Breath in love. Breath out all of the could haves, should haves, and would haves that no longer serve you.  Repeat mantra as needed. (Tama Kieves Breath Meditation-Courtesy Brittiney George)

• Visual Laying Your Burdens Down:  “To begin, sit with your eyes closed and envision an all-powerful, supremely comforting being in whatever form that takes for you, standing at the end of a road. See yourself carrying a large sack, box, or other container, imagining that all your worries are inside it. Watch as you make your way to the being of your choice, and lay your baggage down at their feet. Allow yourself to feel the lightness and relief of this action, express your gratitude, and surrender. You will be amazed by how this simple meditation can liberate you from a burden you were never meant to carry.” - (Excerpt from Daily OM-Laying Our Burdens Down-Courtesy Karen Steinbrecher)

• Play:  People often underestimate the power of play and recreation.  Find a way to participate in an enjoyable experience.  It releases pent up energy and allows you to reconnect. (Courtesy Tracey Smith)

• Walk Barefoot in Nature:  The earth is naturally grounding. Take off your shoes and connect to the earth.  As you stand or walk, imagine giving the burden or the energetic charge you are feeling from the exchange to the earth. (Courtesy Jen Perry)

• Music:  Music is a great way to shift your energy. It not only lets you get out stress and anxiety vocally, but can help to move stuck energy in the body.  Sing in your car; sing in your shower, sing anywhere you’re comfortable.  It doesn’t have to sound pretty or even melodic, just put on your favorite song and let yourself sing!

Brittiney George, BS, CRS, ICI, CEIM, is a Movement Practitioner offering Rubenfeld Synergy, and gentle, exploratory movement classes at The Resiliency Center.  She also co-leads Connection, Expression and Movement (CEM), a monthly workshop series focusing on body-mind integration. Brittiney helps her clients find their ground again when they feel thrown by life by tapping the wisdom of their bodies so they can live from their heart, speak their truth, reduce stress, and create new patterns of movement and choice in their life.  For a complimentary 55 min. Rubenfeld session contact Brittiney at 610-389-7866 or lifeimitatingheart@gmail.com.