Changing Seasons and Shifting Gears

by Kathleen Krol, LCSW, RPT-S

It is nearly Labor Day already! How did another summer go by so fast, when just yesterday seemed like Memorial Day? 

We may look forward to the cooler, less humid days, changing colors of Autumn and the children heading back to school. Even so, it can still be hard to shift gears from the more laid back, relaxed pace of summer to the more structured and busy days of fall with its fuller work schedule, children’s after-school activities, sports, and homework, and the soon-to-be holiday season. We may appreciate the cooler weather and yet still dread the thought of longer nights and more time indoors, especially post-pandemic. 

Humans are wired for familiarity and comfort, so change is challenging for all of us. This article focuses on three parts as we shift gears and transition to the fall: (1) Preparation (2) Mindset, and (3) Coping and support strategies for ease with the process.  

Preparation: Our bodies need to acclimate to an earlier bedtime and rising. This can take time. Start planning a week or more prior to any changes in schedule. If you know you have to wake up an hour or more earlier starting the Tuesday after Labor Day, you may want to progressively go to sleep earlier in increments of 15 to 30 minutes per day; likewise, you’ll want to gradually shift your morning wake-up time.  Remember to get your body ready for a shift to “sleep mode” an hour before bed, by turning off electronics including TV, dimming lights, and winding down with a calming, sedentary activity. If you are having a tough time getting yourself or your children to turn off electronics earlier, start reducing the amount of time gradually during weekdays and add on extra time on Friday or a weekend day. 

We all need motivators when facing a transition, whether returning to work after vacation time off or to school after summer break. As encouragement or incentive, maybe add a little something to your children’s lunch bag or backpack to start and end the week for the first few weeks. It might be a favorite snack, stickers, an emoji, a note saying “Great Job! You finished your first week!” Adults need support with transitions too - and subtle reminders that fun doesn’t have to end with the fall equinox. Why not plan a hike in the mountains or an evening out with friends for early October? Families may find it fun to celebrate the end of the first month of school and/or the return to work from vacation by scheduling a family fun or party theme night. It can be something to look forward to and have everyone involved in the planning - from making decorations, deciding on food, and choosing the games to play and movie to watch.  

Mindset:  The law of attraction suggests that our positive or negative thoughts have an impact on how we actually experience the moments of our lives. When we look for negative, we often find it. Conversely, when we look through eyes of optimism, we may find the silver lining in even the bleakest times. While we cannot control or stop all negative circumstances from happening and will undoubtedly be upset about disruptions, detours, and painful events, we do have some control over how quickly we are able to embrace the natural feelings that arise and move past them. We can also reframe a situation by expanding our lens to see the potential positive in addition to the downside. As we enter the fall, what mindset do you have about this transition? Do you dread longer nights and time indoors or do you see opportunities to catch up on movies and reading, call friends or family, enjoy hot chocolate and apple cider, walk through the leaves, or snuggle up in a cozy blanket or near a fireplace? 

Have you thought about how you want the fall and remaining months of 2022 to go? Maybe summer went by too fast and you don’t even know where it went? Often life is like this. Wasn’t just yesterday the beginning of the new year? Why is it we only talk about resolutions when we trade in one year’s calendar for a new one? What if you allowed yourself some time for brief reflection with each season throughout the year, accepting the seasonal changes as a reminder to set purposeful intentions for the months ahead?

Here are some questions you may choose to ask yourself: What do I hope for this fall for myself and/or my family? What is most important for me to happen so I will feel more contentment when this year ends? What has worked in the past that I want to continue? What did not work last year that I need to do differently? What is one step I can take to start within the next couple of weeks?  

You may want to empower your children and teens with related questions: How do they want the school year to begin and the year to finish? How can they make it happen? What ways can you support them? What worked well last year that might be duplicated and what would they like different for the coming school year?

Coping: Positive affirmations or mantras can be a wonderful way to start the day, as can keeping a daily journal and having a regular meditation practice. You may want to pick something that can be your anchor throughout the day and every day. Like an anchor assists a ship in remaining stable through a storm, your anchor is what you go back to when you start to feel overwhelmed, stressed, or distracted. Your anchor could include any of the following suggestions or be something unique to you. It may be breath, feeling your heart center, movement, a scent, or a visual cue. Like meditation, when you start to feel the sensation of being ungrounded, bring your attention back to your chosen anchor and the current moment.  

A similar concept to an anchor is having a relaxation cue. Usually this is a visual cue that you might see throughout the day. Each time you see the object, it cues you to take a one-minute body scan for any tension followed by use of breath and release of the tension or progressive muscle relaxation for the tense part. Your visual relaxation cue might be the time display on your laptop, a watch or a ring, a picture, or object. Periodically doing one minute body scans and taking a conscious breath to release tension can support you in reducing any emotional stress you are holding in your body and increasing self-awareness about times when you feel relaxed - and moments when tension begins to build.
Finally, remember to have compassion and kindness for your partner, your children, and, most importantly, for yourself. Transitions and change in life can be challenging. If nothing else, give yourself credit for making it through each day: You are managing the best you can and even better than you think you are!

Kathleen Krol is a Licensed Clinical Social Worker, Certified EMDR Therapist and a Registered Play Therapist/Supervisor with 20 years of experience in the counseling field.  She collaborates with clients across the lifespan including adults, children, teens, and families using a family focused and integrative approach to treatment. Areas of expertise include trauma, anxiety, phobias, depression, grief/loss and adoption and attachment issues. She specializes in EMDR for all ages, Family Therapy, Play Therapy, Sand Tray and Sand Focusing Therapy and Parent Coaching. To learn more, go to www.kathleenkrol.com or contact her at kasiakrol17@verizon.net or 215-289-3101#1 for a phone consultation.

Spring Explosions

by Lisa Grant-Feeley

Ahhh, Spring!  The time when the air starts to have a softer, gentler feel to it.  The days are longer and brighter and the the renewal of life is a promise waiting for us.  

For some, there is an explosion of energy that is funneled into throwing open the windows, packing away the unwanted heaviness of winter, preparing for a lighter, brighter time of year.  For others, it is the next season of a child’s explosions of frustration, verbal or possibly physical attacks of big emotions, and feelings of helplessness as the child that is known is transformed into a child in need, and of not knowing how to meet that need.  

For children with ADHD, and some without, big feelings can get the best of them and they don’t have the skills to manage those feelings without an explosion of difficult behaviors.  Understanding the ADHD brain, as well as the high level of sensitivity and intelligence that are often characteristics of children with ADHD, helps to maintain a connection of compassion and closeness that can be difficult for parents to access during explosive behaviors.  It’s important to remember that children do the best they can with the skills they have, and often have feelings of remorse, guilt or shame because of their behavior and inability to control themselves. The added layer of thinking that they are different from other children who do not display these behaviors as well as thinking that they are responsible for the discord in their family and the source of upset for their parents, magnifies their negative self image.  Over time, this sequence of events can lead to feelings of low self-worth, and eventually anxiety and/or depression.

Finding a safe place for families to understand the complexity of ADHD and related characteristics and to learn strategies for supporting a child with ADHD, is needed to to begin the work of restoring a home to a place of peace and calm.  Bibliotherapy (using books therapeutically) with young clients who have ADHD provides a “side door” into discussing their behaviors without directly pointing the finger at them.  This often appeals to the highly sensitive child for whom it it difficult to be vulnerable by admitting that she has big, unmanageable feelings and all the layers that go with them.  

Siblings need guidelines and solutions for behaviors they are currently struggling with that can add to the sense of discord in the home.  Parents are often pleasantly surprised at the changes their children make when given the opportunity to work together to create sibling rules to address the concerns they have.  Typically, when siblings work together to make their own rules, they are invested in change and change often occurs.  

Parents often want to learn more about the way their child’s brain works. This helps them understand their child better and develop a way of parenting their child that works.  Learning strategies to set boundaries with their children in a loving, respectful way as well as supporting them in processing their feelings of concern for their child.  Seeing their child struggle is difficult, seeing them hurt is unbearable, and being able to share those feelings and to create solutions that work for their child is the first step in creating the future they hope for.

Lisa Grant-Feeley, MS, LPC, is a Licensed Professional Counselor who provides support and counseling to children and teens who struggle with ADHD and explosive behaviors as well as those who have symptoms of anxiety and depression.  She works with their families in gaining understanding of what their child or teen is experiencing and in learning ways to support them during difficult times. To learn more, contact her at 267-625-2565 or lisagrantfeeley@gmail.com.

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"Time In"

by Barbra Danin, LMFT, Clinical Art Therapist

When my kids become wild and unruly, I use a nice, safe playpen. When they're finished, I climb out. – by Erma Bombeck

As parents, we have a mission to raise our children be independent, strong responsible and resilient.  In order for children to be successful and happy, they require tools to assist them in achieving their hopes and dreams.  Many parents find that they cannot fall back on the child rearing strategies they learned from their parents.  Children’s issues, needs, and understanding of themselves are different today, and they require different parenting approaches.

Ongoing positive encounters and meaningful communication between parents and children are some of the most effective means of building trusting relationships.  While limits and consequences are helpful for many children in order to help them learn to function in the world, for many children those strategies are ineffective, because children’s negative behaviors have emotional underpinnings. When a child is upset (or most of us, for that matter), the emotional part of the brain takes over, blocking the ability to think clearly.  When a child is acting out, they are incapable of thinking clearly and logically.  Often consequences, imparted when children are upset, are experienced as punishment, which makes them feel more upset. This can cause an escalation of the negative behavior. Conventional wisdom has touted “Time Out” as one of the most effective and necessary strategies for disciplining children.  When a child is sent away, however, many feel rejected and ashamed, leading to an escalation of their negative behavior.  The child often feels rejected and misunderstood.  Additionally, many children forget why they have been sent to “time out”, and are left with confusion and resentment.  These feelings all impact the child’s self-esteem, and the consequence fails to achieve the intended goal. 

While it is important to confront negative behavior immediately when it occurs, for many, a more effective way to do so is with “Time In”.  Rather than sending the child away, the focus of “Time In” is connecting with the child to help them calm down and then gain an understanding of their feelings and behaviors.  During a “Time In” the child and parent sit together, while the parent offers support and understanding, and helps the child to self soothe.  Many worry that “Time In” strategies reinforce the negative behavior; however, the goal of “Time In” is to simply help the child calm down, so that they can think more clearly. After the child has calmed down and can be rational, a productive discussion of what occurred can be effective.  Appropriate consequences can then help teach the child valuable lessons.

Barbra Danin, LMFT, incorporates Art Therapy & EMDR in treating children as young as 3, and keeps parents very involved in the process.  “As children’s brains are still forming, they quickly absorb the tools and interventions offered with Art Therapy & EMDR.”   Barbra can be reached at: bdanin@barbradanin.com or (314) 477-8585. Learn more at www.barbradanin.com  

Unconditional Love~ Parenting a child with explosive behavior

by Lisa Grant-Feeley, MS, LPC

If you’re a parent, you might never forget the first moment you saw your child and the wave of love that overtook you in that instant. Simultaneously, with the wave of awe and amazement came a jolt of terror as you recognized the responsibility loving - and raising - this tiny child would bring.  Many parents take that responsibility to heart and want to do the best they are able for their child.  Some have already had success in raising happy, well-adjusted children and are bewildered when a younger child struggles with behaviors they have never seen before.

Why does my child struggle when plans change?  Why does my child become so incredibly frustrated when things don’t go as expected?  How can my child scream, “I hate you!” or “You’re the worst mother (father) in the world!”  Or worse, how can my child hit, kick, throw things at me?  These are questions many parents ask themselves when their child has explosive behaviors.  In fairness, it is difficult to understand how the same parents can have success with some of their children and not with all of their children. 

According to Dr. Ross Greene, children who exhibit these behaviors typically have underdeveloped skills in the areas of frustration tolerance, flexilibity/adaptability and problem solving, which means they don’t have the skills needed to manage many of life’s unavoidable situations.  Situations that require them to be adaptable or flexible, or to be able to manage frustration that occurs in an average day, or are confronted by a problem they need to solve.  These children are doing the best that they are able with the only “skills” they have. 

When we understand that our child is struggling to find a way to manage a difficult life situation, but doesn’t have the necessary skills, it is easier for us to support our child who is explosively showing us the intensity of that struggle.  Seeing our child as doing the best they are able, allows us to provide the unconditional love we felt the first time we saw them.

Lisa Grant-Feeley is a Licensed Professional Counselor who specializes in working with children who exhibit explosive behaviors and their families. Many of these children also struggle with symptoms of ADHD. Focusing on strengths, she helps families develop proactive solutions and develop skills needed to manage struggles.  For more information, please contact her at 267-625-2565.

Self-Care for Parents

by Katie K. May, NBCC, LPC

Sometimes as parents, we think that the focus needs to always be on our children. We might think that it's selfish to take time to ourselves, or that we can't focus energy on our own well-being until our children are emotionally balanced and their behavioral issues have been addressed. These beliefs, however, are counterproductive. Modeling good self-care and finding ways to recharge your own batteries are the best tools you have to effectively help your children manage their feelings and behaviors.

Below are some ways to incorporate self-care into your daily routine. 

Breathe. Take a 30 second vacation, close your eyes and notice the way that your breath feels as it moves in and out of your body. Do not underestimate the power of your breath.

Read. Steal 20 minutes of your day to indulge in a good book. Make yourself a cup of coffee or tea and absorb the stillness around you.

Talk to a friend. Meet for a quick cup of coffee or chat on the phone on your way to picking up the kids at school. Finding ways to connect with others is what makes your life meaningful. Adult conversations help keep you grounded.

Take a bath. Light some candles, play some music and draw yourself a warm bubble bath. 

Give yourself a time out. Lie in bed in the dark, or give yourself a one hour break from the glow of a screen. Life's demands can be overwhelming, especially with the added demand of being a parent. Giving yourself permission to take a break is crucial.

Exercise. Physical activity is a great way to help you balance your emotions. Take a walk or run outside and enjoy some fresh air. Or, join a group class for the added benefit of social connections. Moving your body helps to ease stress and unlock negative emotions.

When you take care of yourself on a daily basis, you become a better parent because you're better equipped to handle life's ups and downs.  What will you do today just for you?  Share with us on The Resiliency Center's Facebook page to hold yourself accountable and inspire others!

Katie May is a teen therapist who hosts weekly groups for teens. Contact Katie at 610-813-2575 or katie@creativehealingphilly.com and visit her website [Insert link to: www.creativehealingphilly.com ] to learn more.

Deepening Self-Care

by Jennifer Perry, MSEd, MA, LPC

We all know that self-care is important. Perhaps you’ve heard the metaphor about the oxygen mask and putting your own on first. Or the saying that you just can’t pour from an empty cup. For caregivers and everyone else, it is imperative that we make our self-care a non-negotiable. 

Why? 

Because we matter. For those of us who are focused on caring for others, hearing that we matter may not be incentive enough to prioritize self-care. Or it may feel at odds with our caretaking of others. But how we show up for others makes a difference. And prioritizing our own self-care helps us show up with love and energy.

Consider a parenting challenge faced daily in many homes: Bedtime. If you are grouchy because you haven’t eaten, are dehydrated, haven’t slept well, or are still carrying significant stress from your day, it may be very difficult to bring the same patience and care to your child’s nighttime protests. If, on the other hand, you are in a good mood and feel at ease, you are much more likely to bring humor and creativity to any conflicts that arise. Or at least to move through the challenge with greater calm and perspective.

Strong self-care allows us to live fully engaged, vibrant, resilient lives in the face of whatever ups and downs life is throwing our way. 

In my work as a counselor and parenting coach and in my own healing work, I have come to appreciate three dimensions of self-care. While most of us are familiar with the first, examining all three may be the most helpful in deepening our thinking and expanding our practice of caring for ourselves. 

The first dimension includes common self-care practices. These include exercise, diet, meditation, drinking water, spending time on hobbies, spending time with loved ones, giving yourself a treat, etc. Unfortunately, this list can sometimes feel like a weighty list of “shoulds” against which we measure ourselves, defeating the purpose and becoming a source of stress instead of a sanctuary.

The second dimension is less about specific activities and much more about the way we approach every task and moment in our lives and less about what we are doing. Can we be present while doing any mundane life task (including any from the list above) in a way that acknowledges we are a living, human being whose energy matters. We are not machines to be judged by what we accomplish everyday. Instead, our everyday tasks are our lives, not something to power through so we can live in some distant future moment when everything is done and we’ve been productive enough. Some examples include listening to favorite music while doing the dishes, calling friends to talk while commuting, picking up fresh flowers weekly for your office, lighting a candle before you work or pay bills, cooking dinner as a family. The possibilities are endless and can be as individual as your fingerprint. If we are doing the tasks in the first category but rushing through them or simply checking a box to say “done,” we may find ourselves just as depleted as if we were not engaging in self-care practices at all. The how matters.

The third dimension is all about our self-talk. In my individual work with clients and in my mindfulness and self-compassion group, we look very carefully at our inner dialogue. Are we talking to ourselves with kindness and support? Or is our inner world full of sarcasm, self-judgment, and self-deprecation? Is our inner world a safe, caring place to dwell? Our patterns of self-talk are mental habits that can be examined and, over time, shifted towards greater kindness and generosity. With empathy and self-compassion practices, we can learn to soften the harsh, critical voice in our head and turn our inner world into a self-care haven.

Painful experiences in the past may have instilled challenges to all three dimensions of self-care, making it hard to recognize that we are worthy of care, setting up patterns of rushing or avoidance that make mindful attention to the present moment difficult, and creating recorded critical messages that are all-too-easy to play in a loop internally. As a trauma-informed therapist, I understand the impact of these painful experiences and partner with individuals, couples, and groups to help them unburden the weight of the past so that they can experience greater freedom and care for themselves well. You deserve to enjoy your life. I’d love to explore with you ways you can do just that.

Jennifer Perry is a Licensed Professional Counselor, Peaceful Parent Educator and Coach. She is passionate about mindfulness and loves her work helping people relate more compassionately to themselves and to others while learning how to thrive and build lives that they love. She can be reached at 215-292-5056 or jen@heartfulnessconsulting.com www.heartfulnessconsulting.com 

Self Esteem: Rethinking How We View Ourselves

by Kim Vargas, LCSW

The way that we feel about ourselves drives most parts of our existence. It determines who our friends are, the jobs we choose, the way we parent, and the life experiences we allow ourselves to have. And it turns out that it is actually our perception of self, and not factual information about self, that is the real driver of how we feel. In other words, research shows that what we say to ourselves about our actions and accomplishments determines how we feel about those actions and accomplishments.

In 1953, DW Winnicott, a well-known pediatrician and psychoanalyst, posited the theory that there is a “good enough mother”. He explained this type of mother as someone who is consistently meeting the basic needs of her baby, and is providing a loving and nurturing environment. However, he is clear that this mother is far from perfect; she has anger, ambivalence, and exhaustion in addition to the positive engagement with her baby. Thus, if a mother judges herself on being a “perfect” mom, she will constantly feel that she is failing. If, however, she is able to recognize that her parenting is “good enough” for her child to thrive, she can frequently feel successful as a mother.

I work with a lot of new moms, and I absolutely love this concept of the good enough mother. I began to ask myself whether this same thinking might apply to other life issues. It seemed like if people could define what was truly good enough, and then give themselves permission to meet that expectation, there might be much more room for success, leading to an overall increase in self esteem. I started to ask clients to try out the idea of being “good enough” rather than perfect, with respect to their roles as spouse, adult child, employee, friend, and homemaker.

Almost without exception, clients are initially loath to consider the concept of “good enough”.  At the outset, people hear this as an invitation to mediocrity and settling for less. I am quick to explain that “good enough” does not mean striving for a substandard level of accomplishment – it means setting realistic expectations of self in any given situation, on any given day, and striving to meet those particular expectations. In addition, “good enough” may change depending on the day or situation. As people try out this notion of “good enough”, they generally find they are sending themselves increasingly positive messages about their actions and behaviors. In other words, their perception of self in a particular situation is positive if they are truly able to meet their own realistic goals. These experiences of perceiving self differently can contribute to a rise in self worth.

There are two tricks to making “good enough” truly good enough. The first is to give yourself actual permission to do something in a different way than you might ordinarily plan to do it. The second is to speak to yourself positively and kindly after the fact, rewarding the accomplishments.

For example, let’s say you’ve made it a goal to exercise 4 times per week. In the upcoming week, you have several projects due at work, and many family commitments. You might decide that “good enough” means that you will only exercise two times, or that you’ll exercise all four times, but for a much shorter than normal amount of time. Either way, “good enough” is different that week than it might be last week or next week. However, exercising two times will only actually be good enough if you tell yourself in advance that it is really okay, and if you give yourself positive feedback for your accomplishment afterwards.

The idea of “good enough” can feel complicated and may take some experimentation to determine what is truly good enough for you in a given situation. But I challenge you – consider giving yourself permission today to be good enough at something, rather than perfect.

Kimberly Vargas, LCSW is a psychotherapist working with adults and teens who want to address self esteem, anger, depression (including postpartum issues), and anxiety. She can be reached at 267-568-7846 or kimvargastherapy@gmail.com.

Helping your Child to Manage Anger

by Elizabeth Campbell, MS, LPC

One of the most beautiful aspects of parenting is your relationship with your child.  In this relationship, you are an attachment figure, and are responsible for shaping a child’s life in many ways.  Attachment influences identity, self-esteem, future relationships, and emotional regulation.  In other words, your child learns from their relationship with you how to calm themselves down when they feel intense emotions.  Often adults immediately go to behavioral means to manage troubling behaviors that come with anger, and although structure is imperative for a child’s development, the parent-child relationship is the foundation for change.

One of the ways that children develop so rapidly in their early years is through modeling.  They utilize mirror neurons within the attachment relationship as a means to grow.  Awareness of these mirror neurons in parenting can be extremely helpful.  The phrase, “actions speak louder than words,” is very accurate in parenting!  Modeling is the most effective way for your child to learn from you.  Therefore, if you use self-care by going to the gym, meditating, spending time with friends, baking, etc., you are providing an excellent model for a child to learn how to regulate themselves.  Controlling anger is not just in the moment, it is a practice of regulating stress overall.  The opposite is also true.  If you are struggling with taking care of yourself and juggling the demands of family, your child sees that and learns from it.  In prioritizing your own self-care, you are also prioritizing your child’s emotional health.  This can be done as an activity to also foster attachment and your relationship with your child.  Self-care can be a family activity such as a family nature walk or sharing a hobby with your child.

Mindfulness is another great skill to teach your child for general emotional regulation and anger management.  This can take many forms.  This may be creating a “comfort corner” in which various senses are stimulated.  For instance, there may be a comfy blanket, a book, calming music, a scented lotion, or a stuffed animal.  A child can visit this corner not just when upset, but frequently to again lower their overall stress level.  Another option is a mindful scavenger hunt, where a child notices things via their senses around them.  A final mindful tool that is very effective with anger management is deep breathing.  Children can learn to take deep belly breaths by putting a stuffed animal on their stomach while laying down, then making it move up and down with their inhales and exhales.  There are also fun breaths such as balloon breath, where a child “blows up” like a balloon with their inhale then exhales like a balloon letting go of its air. 

Another important part of teaching our children anger management is our response to their anger.  Garry Landreth’s Child Parent Relational Training advocates that parents act as a thermostat rather than a thermometer.  You set the temperature rather than reacting to them.  When adults react to anger with anger, the emotionality of the situation increases exponentially.  If you respond calmly and set consistent limits, the child begins to learn parameters and how to regulate themselves. 

By interacting with your child in a ways that demonstrate effective means of regulating your own emotions, modeling self-care, and teaching skills in fun ways, you can set your child up to independently regulate themselves.  Your relationship and your interactions with your child are building blocks for change.

Building Resilience in Response to the Challenges of Today’s Families

by Kathleen Krol, MSS, LCSW, RPT-S

Being a parent and raising a family has never been easy. Today’s parents, like those of past

generations, face many challenges. Whereas, some parenting issues have been around for some time, today’s modern world presents many unique, complex challenges of its own. What are these challenges and how can a family be resilient in the face of them? This article will explore some options.

There has been for some time an explosion of knowledge readily available at one’s fingertips, with everyone and anyone giving advice on how to effectively parent and improve one’s relationships. Dr. Phil is a well-known name whose business is offering this advice. As part of this trend, many people are also diagnosing children now, so any child with behavior problems must have Attention Deficit Disorder (ADD) or be Oppositional Defiant and need medication. As a parent, how do you sort through what information is valid and going to be beneficial to your child/teen and what will be detrimental and harmful?

Advances in technology not only bombard us with information but our children as well. The world of children and teens often revolves around this technology, connecting through Facebook, Twitter, and chat rooms, making them vulnerable to cyber bullying and exposing them to the latest unhealthy fads like “cinnamon” and self-harming sites. Parents may find it challenging to know how to connect with their teen who may prefer constantly texting with friends – or find it hard to find stimulating enough activities for a child hooked on videos and games.

Even if you are fortunate not to have these concerns, there are still the typical parenting issues that arise at different developmental stages such as sibling rivalry, school separation anxiety, peer pressure and bullying. Or perhaps an adjustment to the addition of a new family member, changes with home or school, family separations, divorce or becoming a blended family.

Parents may also feel challenged by how not to repeat what they didn’t like about how they were parented or find it difficult to handle well-intended but unwanted feedback from extended family members. Yes, being a parent and raising a family has never been easy and still isn’t!

Wait, there is hope! Resilience in the face of challenges is something you do possess! Resilience in dealing with these many challenges involves trusting in yourself, recognizing what has got you through past obstacles, using experience as a learning opportunity, levering the resources and strengths of your family, accessing your support system, and, most importantly, patience and kindness with yourself when you feel like you have failed.

Resilience also includes knowing when you don’t have the answer, recognizing the need for support, guidance or expert advice, and taking the steps necessary to get the help you need. The Resiliency Center can provide the support, guidance and expert advice families need to feel resilient again – through practitioners who offer counseling, educational and holistic interventions. Our practitioners are genuine, caring, and really committed to a strengths-based approach to helping parents and their families.

Practitioners can help you narrow down and implement strategies that will work most effectively for you as a parent or couple, assist you in identifying family patterns, and helping to normalize your experience. They can support you and your family through the process of transition and change and assist you and your child or teen in managing problems through solution-oriented outcomes and coping skills. Our wellness education programs and community offerings will teach you how to better take care of yourself, whether as a parent, partner or both.

The family-oriented services offered at The Resiliency Center include: family therapy, child and teen counseling, Play-Family Therapy, teen groups, parent coaching, and mindful parenting classes. For new parents, mom’s groups and infant massage education classes are offered.  Couples in the early stages of relationship formation may find premarital counseling beneficial. For relationship transitions, we offer pre-baby counseling, couples counseling to renew your relationship, as well as counseling on navigating the difficulty of separation and divorce. A divorce support group offers community and strategies for resilience. If you are seeking overall life satisfaction, informative and restorative workshops or classes are offered periodically along with regularly scheduled classes like Qi Gong, meditation, and laughter yoga. We look forward to supporting you on your journey, wherever you are.

This article was written by Kathleen Krol, LCSW, RPT-S, who is an independent practitioner at the Resiliency Center with over eleven years post-graduate training and experience. She is a Licensed Clinical Social Worker and Registered Play Therapist/Supervisor with specialization in Contextual Family Therapy, Play Therapy, Sand Tray Therapy and EMDR (for anxiety, self-esteem and trauma issues).  She offers individualized assessment of a parent/family needs, practical solutions and interventions, parent coaching, family therapy and individual child and teen therapy. For a free personalized consultation to see if her services would be a good fit, contact her at kasiakrol17@verizon.net or 215-289-3101, #1.

Regulating One’s Internal Thermostat (Keeping Emotionally Cool as the Temperatures Get Warmer)

By Kathleen Krol, LCSW, RPT

After a cool start, spring has arrived with its warmer days and longer nights. Soon it will be summer and the end of the school year. At this time of the year, patience can wane and internal thermostats can rise as family members spend more time together. Awareness of our own emotional stress threshold can be overlooked in the day to day hectic shuffle of life and coexistence in a family or personal relationship. Good communication skills tend to slide with the people with whom we are closest: family and significant others. So how do you monitor your internal thermostat and maintain good interpersonal skills to minimize overheating?

How do we check our temperature throughout the day?  During the course of the work day, challenges will come up, whether as an employee, self-employed, student or homemaker. Many people push through these stressors with minimal awareness of heightened emotional tension and physical discomfort. If there is awareness of these sensations, we may try to suppress them. After all, the job still needs to get done. How often do we pause to check in on how we are being affected by our daily tasks and how well we are managing them? Take moments throughout the day to get a drink or take a bathroom break to scan your body for any tension. Ask yourself “What am I feeling right now?” Use deep breathing, muscle relaxation (purposefully tightening part of the body that is tight, hold 3-5 sec, then relax and repeat 2-3times) or use thought stopping meditations. For bigger concerns, write them down in a note pad and put them aside until a time when they can be addressed.

Utilize small windows of time for mini-breaks and refreshers.  Sometimes 5-10 minutes may be the longest break we can get during the day. Mindfully give some needed self-care and a reminder that you are important rather than using the time to mull over some concern or to plan ahead to the next task. You can do this in simple ways by enjoying a cup of tea or a piece of fruit, take a walk around the block, take deep breaths or listen to a favorite song on your way to the store or to pick up the kids.

Reorient yourself to where you are now and what you are doing in the moment:  Rushing from one errand or activity to another can be slowed down by pausing as you leave your house or drive your car; take a couple deep breaths and orient yourself to the present by noticing your  five senses, ie. The sights around you, the sounds, the smells, the feel of the ground or your seat, any tastes.

Anticipate and prepare.   Most of us have some idea of what pushes our buttons and can anticipate how others might act that could trigger these buttons. Being conscious of our own pattern of reaction, gives us a chance to try a different response.  When transitions take time for our child or teen, extra time may be needed in the preparation stage.  Giving reminders ahead of a transition can also be helpful.

Let go of “other stuff”:  Check in with yourself at the end of the day at home or work, before walking in the door or before children come home. Are you still carrying something left over from earlier in the day? Being aware can reduce the chance of redirecting your frustration onto your spouse, children or pets.

Positive communication.  Sometimes just changing the words you use or how you say them can make a small but significant change in your interactions. Use Praise, positive reinforcement and acknowledging when something is done correctly. This is usually more effective than pointing out every time something is done wrong. Try to avoid negatively phrased words such as “can’t,” as in “You can’t do that!” which prompts the child to become defensive in response. Instead, give choices and alternatives when redirecting behaviors.

Clear communication.  Be clear when communicating plans and check that everyone is on the same page in remembering the important details of an event. Mind-reading occurs when we assume a family member will recall “this” is the place you always meet. Forgetting small but crucial changes in time or other details causes wasted time and frustration. Aids like wipe-off boards, communication logs or texting information can be beneficial tools.

Promote regular positive sharing.  Plan once a week minimally to share at dinner or before bed, something positive that happened in everyone’s day and also express gratitude for something done by the other family members.

Be kind to yourself.  At the end of the day, don’t be too critical of yourself. Remind yourself we all have days that don’t go as planned and where we did not respond the way we should have with others.  Tomorrow is another day!

Kathleen Krol, LCSW, RPT is a Licensed Clinical Social Worker and Registered Play Therapist at the Resiliency Center. She does individual and family therapy using Play Therapy and Sand Tray therapy. She specializes in work with children ages three through teens and adults, who have experienced trauma, grief and loss, anxiety, depression, behavior issues and abuse. She is trained in and uses EMDR, parent coaching, cognitive behavior and stress management techniques and Trauma Art Narrative Therapy.  For a free phone consultation, contact Kathleen at kasiakrol17@verizon.net or 215-289-3101#1.