Regret, Self-Blame, and Learning to Give Yourself Grace

by Therese Daniels 

The month of December tends to be a time where we look back over the past year. Many of us expected a lot more out of 2021. I can clearly remember so many people proclaiming strong goodbyes to 2020 with a swift strong kick saying, “Don’t let the door hit you on the way out!” All with hopes of a much brighter year to come, one filled with family, friends, travel, and simple reconnection. Well, I am not sure about everyone else, but I get the sense that 2021 did not quite deliver. Things have certainly improved since this time last year, especially in recent weeks; however much of 2021 was darkened by COVID, natural disasters, and much more. COVID variants and spikes caused cancelled events, travel, and social gatherings. Natural disasters displaced people from their homes. Increased anger and violence cost people their lives and loved ones…I could go on.

Within the stress and storm of these ongoing events, I have noticed a concerning mindset and repetitive theme in the ways people talk about life lately. It is a pattern of guilt, shame, regret, and self-doubt. I have heard countless statements that begin with phrases such as, “I should have done___”  or “I should not have done ____”  or “I can’t believe I didn’t ___” or “I wish I would have ___”. I have heard even stronger self-condemnation in the face of hardship, shared as strongly as “I hate myself for ___”. Hearing this, I am struck by sadness and even fear. If we cannot be kind to ourselves as individuals, then how can we genuinely show kindness to others or even hope others will extend kindness to us?

The unfortunate truth is that we really have no control over the external events that happen all around us. So much that happens is outside our control. It makes sense that we wish we had more control than we really do and even that there is a problem-solving part of us that looks at past events with an eye on preventing painful events from recurring. But this isn’t always possible. We can’t stop a tornado. We can’t go back to 2019 and prevent the pandemic. And while we can do our best to prevent our three year old or elderly parents from contracting COVID, we cannot guarantee it. 

Something we can have control over, however, is how we treat and talk to ourselves. Especially in the face of pain and hardship. Rather than berating ourselves (and others) for what we could have, should have done differently, we can pause. We can allow ourselves to acknowledge the pain. We can invite in kindness, acceptance, and grace towards ourselves. In doing this, we can interrupt the pattern of negativity and regret. While fueled by a desire for control, the blame game (ourselves and others) simply adds to the pain. When we pause and welcome self-compassion, we may start a domino effect of compassion that extends beyond ourselves. Offering ourselves kindness and acceptance, we become more able to offer kindness and acceptance to others. Starting with ourselves and then extending kindness to our loved ones, neighbors, and even strangers in our community, we are empowered to spread positivity where before negativity and fear lived.

The Pay It Forward Foundation was started in 2000 and is described as acts of kindness, generating a ripple effect from one person to the next, one community to the next. There are countless stories of people buying coffee for each other, paying tolls for the car behind them, spreading joy through quiet, unbidden acts of kindness. People experience such joy from doing and seeing things like this for others, yet sometimes have a very hard time applying this concept to themselves. What might it look like to “pay it forward” in your own life? To give yourself the gift of kindness – and then build upon that to be increasingly, consistently kind towards YOU?