Trusting Your Highly Sensitive Self

by Elizabeth Venart, M.Ed., NCC, LPC

When you’re highly sensitive, you notice details and nuances others miss, deeply process all you notice, and have heightened empathy. You feel deeply — both sadness and joy — and you are remarkably tuned in to the world around you. You see the details but also understand context and big picture patterns. As a result, your intuition is often spot on. 

Unfortunately, because the majority of people are not highly sensitive, they don’t sense all you do, and they can, intentionally or unintentionally, invalidate what you know and feel. As a result, many highly sensitive people learn to mistrust themselves. 

In response to noticing this — and seeing how much Internal Family Systems (IFS) helped me and other highly sensitive people deepen self-trust, I was inspired to write, “Trusting Your Highly Sensitive Self: An Internal Family Systems Path to Healing and Wholeness.” I am excited to share that it is being published on June 1st by New Harbinger Publications. 

The book offers a compassionate roadmap for turning sensitivity from a source of struggle into a foundation for a rich, meaningful life. Weaving together insights from Internal Family Systems (IFS) therapy, illustrative stories, and engaging exercises, the book empowers you to deepen your self-awareness, build resilience, and thrive as a sensitive person.

As you unpack any negative messages about sensitivity and understand the ways you learned to protect yourself, you come home to the wholeness of your being — and the wisdom inherent in this valuable way of being.

If you are sensitive, I wrote this book for you. If you love someone who’s highly sensitive or are a therapist who supports highly sensitive people, this book offers deeper understanding.  It is currently available in print and kindle, and an audiobook version is forthcoming. On the publisher’s website, you will find free handouts from the book — including meditation scripts, illustrations, and exercises. If you sign up for the newsletter on my website, I will send you a copy of “The Journey Home,” the poem I wrote to accompany readers on the book’s journey, and you'll be the first to know when I’ve made audio recordings of the meditations available. Subscribers will also receive announcements about book reading events and book clubs that I’ll be hosting. The first one is this month -- on 6/13 at The Resiliency Center!

In closing, I’d like to share one of many favorite quotes by the poignant and powerful poet, Mary Oliver. I offer it as encouragement to any of you who feel a creative spark inside, yearning for expression. She wrote, “And that is just the point... how the world, moist and beautiful, calls to each of us to make a new and serious response. That's the big question, the one the world throws at you every morning. "Here you are, alive. Would you like to make a comment?” 

Writing the book was initially quite a formidable undertaking. It required me to set aside time for it, reflect on what felt most important to say, carefully select words, courageously share rough drafts with colleagues and friends, and commit. I wrote because I felt I had something to share and wanted to offer a gift. Perhaps you, too, have a gift to share — your writing, art, music or other expressions of your heart. The world awaits your unique offering. I will be delighted to see the beauty that pours forward. 

Elizabeth Venart, M.Ed., NCC, LPC, is the author of “Trusting Your Highly Sensitive Self: An Internal Family Systems Path to Healing and Wholeness.” Elizabeth’s private counseling practice is focused on supporting highly sensitive people, including artists and therapists, in embracing their sensitivity, cultivating greater resilience, and experiencing joy. She is a Certified IFS Therapist and IFS-I Approved Clinical Consultant, a Certified EMDR Therapist and an EMDRIA Approved Consultant, and a Trainer in IFS-Informed EMDR. She founded the Resiliency Center of Greater Philadelphia 18 years ago, as a place for community — for those seeking healing and the practitioners devoted to partnering with them in that healing. To connect with Elizabeth, please email elizabethvenart@counselingsecure.com or visit her website at https://elizabethvenart.com/.

Shadow Work

by Eileen Sheehan

Shadow work refers to any process that makes the unconscious conscious. Examples of modern shadow work practices include the work of Byron Katie (https://thework.com/), Internal Family Systems Therapy (IFS) created by Richard Schwartz (https://ifs-institute.com/), and Jungian style therapy, as well as many other exercises that allow aspects of ourselves that we are unaware of come forward into our conscious view. These practices can be done individually, in a group setting, or with a therapist, depending on the depth and difficulty.

Creative people are often more naturally inclined to reflect on their deeper parts, which fuels a significant amount of art creation in the world. Creative and artistic blocks usually result from unprocessed emotions that we've shoved into our unconscious. We can learn simple techniques for allowing and processing emotions. 

Writing in an uncensored way allows you to tap into your emotions. As you do, the block in your creative flow also clears. One exercise from Byron Katie is called the “Judge Your Neighbor” exercise in which you take a closer look at one of your complaints. For example, “I complain about ___ because ____.” Then, you are invited to turn your thoughts upside down. Maybe you’re angry at your neighbor for being inconsiderate when they make a lot of noise. When you turn it around, you ask about yourself in relationship to being inconsiderate. Turning it around invites you to get curious and go deep. Especially for writers, these exercises can also double as writing prompts for more developed characters. 

Eileen Sheehan is a frequent participant of the Philadelphia Writers Workshop at the Resiliency Center, working on her debut YA fantasy novel. She an artist and creative performance designer who has been been exploring the deep connection between creativity and spirituality in her personal work. She designed an oracle deck, The Solas Oracle, based on her own journey of healing, emotional processing, and release. She lives in Blue Bell with her husband of 16 years and two Disney-loving daughters.

Embracing Your Worst to Find Your Best

by Rachel Kobin

As children, many of us loved hating Cruella de Vil, the villain in 101 Dalmatians (the book or movie). As adults seeking a good book, movie, or TV show, we may prefer characters who are more like people we know, with a full range of positive and negative qualities. We all have flaws, or as I like to say, we are “multifaceted,” which is what makes gemstones shine. 

As much as we accept that people are complex, when we meet someone who makes us recoil, we usually do one of two things: immediately reject them, or get curious and ask, “What is it about this person that irks me?” Very often, we discover that traits we find annoying about someone else are traits we share. 

Confronted by the darker parts of ourselves, it’s easier to plow forward with our lives and tell ourselves, “At least I’m not a puppy-killer like Cruella de Vil." However, ignoring these parts of ourselves is a lot like leaving dirty dishes in the sink: soon, insects infest the sink, so now we have dishes with caked-on food and bugs. Whether we avoid these sides of ourselves using a myriad of self-sabotaging behaviors or hate ourselves for staying stuck in life, it takes a considerable toll on our lives. 

Usually, these shadows, antagonists, or parts have something to teach us. When we dare to engage with them by gently asking what purpose they serve in our lives and how we might work with them to move forward, we are more likely to embrace setbacks as stepping stones that lead us forward on our paths.  

For writers, this process can occur as an author follows the characters they're writing through to the end of the story. The author’s shadows become part of the characters, and the change the main character achieves by the end of the book parallels the kind of transformation all creatives and all people can gain important insights by examining their shadows. When a writer neglects the edgier, unpleasant sides of their characters, readers have a hard time relating to them and often remark that they found them “flat” or “unbelievable.” 

In novels, the writer knows what’s going to happen, and even the reader can skip to the end. In our lives, we don’t know what’s coming next. Our shadow parts, formed by our past, can become guides to a future that beats not being as evil as Cruella de Vil. In “Shadow Work,” a method initially developed by Carl Jung, Internal Family Systems, from Richard C. Schwartz, and many other therapeutic modalities employ a variety of gentle approaches to help us explore these shadow sides of ourselves and make them our allies. Dimensions of ourselves we once feared become portals to a life of increasing contentment, punctuated by moments of joy.

Rachel Kobin is the Founder and Director of the Philadelphia Writers Workshop [Insert link to to: https://phillywriters.com/]. Rachel began writing in the third grade when she adapted the novel Harriet the Spy by Louise Fitzhugh into a play. She went on to write poetry, a screenplay, synopses, critiques of screenplays, copy for advertising, a novel, internal and marketing communications for corporations, market research reports, and a TV pilot. Her poetry has been published in anthologies, but as a creative writing workshops facilitator, editor, and writing coach, she finds seeing other writers succeed—however they define success—even more thrilling than seeing her own writing in print. She is proud to be part of Philadelphia’s robust writers’ community. 

A Compassionate Check-In

by Allison Beer, LCSW

Internal Family Systems therapy (IFS) provides a way to connect with parts, including our inner critic, so we can understand them better. As we do, greater clarity and confidence are possible. Think of a recent moment when you were hard on yourself—maybe you felt you said the wrong thing, acted awkwardly, or made a mistake. Bring awareness to that inner critical voice and gently explore the following:

• What thoughts are coming up? About yourself? About how others may see you?
  
• What emotions do you notice? Embarrassment, anxiety, frustration?
  
• What sensations are present in your body? Tightness in your stomach? A quickened breath? Or maybe nothing at all?

Now, focus on this critical part of you. Does an image, color, or texture come to mind? If not, that’s okay too—just stay with whatever is present.

How do you feel toward this part? Do you wish it would go away? If frustration or resistance arises, acknowledge those feelings. Let them know they are seen, and if they’re willing, invite them to step back slightly.

If you notice even a small sense of openness or curiosity, extend it toward this part and ask:

• What do you want me to know?
• What are you afraid would happen if you stopped being so hard on me?
• How are you trying to help?

Listen with compassion. When you feel ready, thank this part for sharing with you. Take a few deep breaths to close.

The next time your inner critic speaks up—telling you to do more, be better, or work harder—pause. Check in with yourself and gently revisit this practice. With time, you may find that even your most critical parts are simply trying to protect you in their own way.

Allison (Allie) Beer, MSW, LCSW, is a Licensed Clinical Social Worker providing neurodiversity-affirming, trauma-informed therapy for teens and adults. Drawing from Internal Family Systems (IFS), EMDR, and mindfulness practices, she helps clients navigating anxiety, trauma, ADHD, depression, grief, and low self-esteem find healing and cultivate self-compassion. Connect with her at 215-688-5117 or allison@allisonbeerlcsw.com. Learn more at allisonbeerlcsw.com.

Befriending Our Inner Critics: A Path to Self-Compassion

by Allison Beer, LCSW

As a parent to a toddler, there are countless moments when I catch myself listening to a familiar voice in my head saying things like, "You really messed that up" or "You should have handled that differently" or even "You're not being a good mom." This voice, my inner critic, can be pretty loud, especially when I make mistakes, fall short of my values, or say the wrong thing. It’s a constant reminder of where I feel I’m falling short. 

Instead of pushing this voice away, I’ve decided to lean in, get curious, and learn more about its role in my system.

We all have parts of ourselves that push us—our inner critic, the perfectionist, the overachiever, the planner. These parts often feel like relentless forces, driving us to do more, be better, and avoid failure at all costs. It’s easy to resent them, to wish they would quiet down and let us rest. Or even, sometimes, we may wish they would go away all together. 

But what if, instead of fighting them, we got curious?

These critical parts developed for a reason. Maybe the inner critic learned to keep us safe from judgment or bullying growing up. The perfectionist may have kept us on top of schoolwork, so we would receive praise from caregivers. The planner may have ensured we stay in control, while the overachiever sought approval and worth. These parts are protective in nature, and typically they perform their roles to keep us safe or support us in getting our needs met. When we take the time to understand their roles, we can see that they’re not working against us—they’re working for us, just in ways that may no longer serve us.

By meeting these parts with curiosity rather than frustration, we shift from resistance to compassion. We can acknowledge their efforts, thank them for their work, and gently assure them that we don’t need to operate in survival mode anymore. This creates space for more balance, self-trust, and ease.

Next time you hear that inner critic or feel the pull of perfectionism, pause. Instead of pushing it away, ask: What are you trying to protect me from? You may be surprised at the wisdom it holds—and the relief that comes from listening. 

Allison (Allie) Beer, MSW, LCSW, is a Licensed Clinical Social Worker providing neurodiversity-affirming, trauma-informed therapy for teens and adults. Drawing from Internal Family Systems (IFS), EMDR, and mindfulness practices, she helps clients navigating anxiety, trauma, ADHD, depression, grief, and low self-esteem find healing and cultivate self-compassion. Connect with her at 215-688-5117 or allison@allisonbeerlcsw.com. Learn more at allisonbeerlcsw.com.

Welcoming yourself home

by Jen Perry, MSEd, MA, LPC

Hello Dear Friend and welcome to the January 2022 edition of the Resiliency Center’s monthly newsletter. I feel like I’m still trying to process 2020, and here we are in 2022! The theme for this month’s newsletter is “Welcoming Yourself Home,” a phrase that I use almost everyday to begin my own meditation and frequently as I lead meditations for my clients and the participants in my Self-Compassion Group.

Welcoming yourself home acknowledges that human beings are made up of parts, little sub-personalities if you will, and that one of the most important aspects of mental and emotional health is having a healthy relationship with these parts of ourselves. Now before I go any further let me tell you that the argument about whether humans are of one mind (or mono-minded) or multiplicitous (made up of parts) has gone on for centuries. If you are a geek like me and want to learn more, Richard Schwartz, the developer of modern parts work called Internal Family Systems (IFS) has a book entitled Many Minds, One Self that provides the history. You may also want to check out his latest book, No Bad Parts. On YouTube, you can find a number of interviews with him and a series of informative lectures.   

But more important than what ancient philosophers and modern scientists who study this have to say, I invite you to take this information in and ponder it using your own good sense. Have you ever felt more than one way about something? Ever had difficulty making a decision because you actually had two or more different opinions about what to do? Have you ever been strongly convinced of your opinion in an argument one evening and by the next morning flipped completely around wondering, “What was I thinking?” If you have Disney+, treat yourself to a short animated film called “Twenty Something” to see an artful rendition of parts. One of the major objectives in IFS is to promote harmony among our parts. The other major objective is to connect our parts to Self, the mysterious presence or soul substance that connects us all with the qualities of love, compassion, calm, creativity, and courage.

Welcoming yourself home is a process that reaches out to all the parts of ourselves with respect, warmth, and curiosity. My dear friend and Resiliency Center colleague Michael Bridges shared a beautiful metaphor with me ~ “Imagine there is a “heart room” in the center of your being ~ warm, comfortable, welcoming, nourishing ~ a judgement-free zone where your parts can be held in a gentle space of understanding.” As another dear friend, mentor, and the Director of the Resiliency Center, Elizabeth Venart, taught me: “If we can’t understand just yet, we rest patiently with confidence that our parts make sense if only they have a calm space to tell their story.”

There is not a relationship you will have in this lifetime that is more important and more longstanding than your relationship with all the different parts of you. Some parts of us are easy to love, and some are more difficult. Some have been in what’s called “the shadow” for a long time. Approaching our parts purely from intellect rarely works for long and can add to inner tension, whereas an inner sense of spaciousness and curiosity invites us to soften and open up. If you have ever tried to lecture a child until you were blue in the face, not getting anywhere at all, and yet found they melted into connection with you whenever you offered the gentleness and comfort of a hug, then you know what I mean. Author and poet Jeff Foster has a beautiful YouTube video that expresses the healing that can occur when we hold our parts with tenderness.

Thank you for spending a few minutes of your day with me ~ My wish for this month is that we both to feel welcome in ourselves and experience a moment of connection with ourselves and one another. Albeit asynchronous connection as I am writing this in early December and you are now reading this in January, but connection all the same. Perhaps when I am in my heart room and you are in your heart room, we are in the same place.

Jen Perry, MSEd, MA, LPC is a Licensed Professional Counselor, Mindfulness Teacher, and Peaceful Parenting Coach. Her passion is helping Highly Sensitive People thrive in life, love, and parenting. She has been in the field for over twenty years and is devoted to studying the human psyche or soul and is often in awe of human compassion, strength, resilience, and consciousness. She loves pondering the mysteries of the Universe. In addition to seeing clients individually, she offers classes and a self-compassion group. She also loves teaching and guiding parents of Highly Sensitive Children. Learn more about Jen and her practice.

Getting Unstuck

by Trudy Gregson, MS, LPC

 

I had this idea for an article about what keeps us stuck and how to become unstuck, but I kept getting stuck. For real. Would it resonate with readers? Would it be any good? Would people think I’m not good for writing a not-good article? I laughed to myself. I think I’m on to something!

 

I went for a run, my first run in quite a while. I listened to a book while I ran, my mind wandering occasionally off the narrator’s tale to my article idea and the possibility that I wouldn’t find a better idea, then to thoughts about missing the deadline, and possible ways to get out of writing it. I’d feel a little tension and then brush the thoughts away. When I got home and my breath and my heart rate gradually returned to normal, some space opened up. I grabbed a notebook and pen.

 

As I sat there in the aftereffects of my run, I got curious. What was the fear about the article? It wouldn’t be interesting or helpful. I don’t have enough to say on the topic. It won’t be up to the standards of the community for whom I’m writing.  And if any of those things are true, then what?

 

Sitting in this calm, curious state, I stayed with the fear. I set aside the words and the feelings that told me to panic and asked them to wait a few minutes so I could get to know this feeling of fear of not being good enough. I got comfortable with just sitting with it. I thought of the compassionate words of Kristin Neff, author of the book, Self-Compassion: “Everyone is imperfect.” Writing is imperfect. I’m imperfect. Feeling some compassion for my imperfection was like a weight off my shoulders. It just didn’t seem to matter as much how my article was received. It felt more important just to share it from my heart, with the intention that it might resonate with some readers, and it might help them with their own feelings of “stuckness.” And I’d meet my deadline.

 

As I settled into these feelings of compassion, my fear felt heard, cared for, understood.  It didn’t feel so pressing. There was space for the writing to happen, to unfold in its own imperfect way. I felt clarity. I will write an imperfect, possibly helpful, certainly heartfelt article. And that will be good enough.

 

One of the reasons people come to therapy is because they’re feeling stuck in some way. They so badly want something to change, but something else is holding them back. The belief is that if only they could get past that thing that’s holding them back, they could achieve their goal, get what they need, be happier. Like a car stuck in the mud, our impulse is to spin our wheels to become unstuck. But what if feeling stuck is actually an invitation, an opportunity to explore a fear that we didn’t fully realize was there?

 

I’ve noticed that the part of us that wants to move forward is usually the one that gets all the attention. That’s the one that asks a friend for advice, or makes a therapy appointment, or agitates about writing the article. So we double-down, trying to devise a strategy to solve this problem. Paradoxically, the more we double-down, the more stuck we get. Because the one with the power – the fear – is being ignored, avoided. Because it’s uncomfortable and a little scary.

 

The fear is the one who stands by, shaking its head thinking, “Try all you want, but you’re not going anywhere, because I’m afraid if we go there, you won’t be safe. And my job is to keep you safe.” It’s a basic survival instinct. And then it’s a tug-of-war between wanting something to change and the fear of what will happen if something changes.

 

We start becoming unstuck when we stop trying to push through the fear and instead, open up some space and give it some attention. Bringing some curiosity to it: “I wonder how this fear that keeps me stuck is trying to help me?” As hard as this may be to believe, its intentions are good, even if it frustrates us. So we listen.

 

There are other ways to open up space besides running. I know I’m not alone in getting some of my best ideas in the shower. Perhaps it’s the rhythm or warmth of the water, the pulsating sensation on the skin, or the absence of distractions that opens up some space in one’s mind. Some people open up space by meditating, or stroking their dog or cat, or doing any task mindfully. There’s something about being immersed in the sensory experience of a run or a walk, a shower, a pet, or even gently scrubbing soapy dishes that magically opens up some space.

 

This space provides an opening for us to bring attention and some kindness to the fear, allowing it to soften enough to tell you why it does what it does. Then the opponents in this tug-of-war can discover that they actually have the same goal, a desire to protect you from the same thing; they just have opposite ways of going about it.  When the thing they protect is healed, then they can work together to help you reach your goal instead of working against each other.

 

We’re all wired to fight, flee, or freeze in the face of fear. It takes courage to go towards the fear. So the next time you feel stuck, try noticing it as an adventure:  You’re at the beginning of discovering a fear, and if you can find even a drop of courage, you may experience feeling stuck as an exploration – and then the healing can happen.

 

Trudy Gregson, MS, LPC, is a Licensed Professional Counselor providing counseling to adults experiencing depression, anxiety, issues related to trauma, life transitions, and relationship struggles. Trudy customizes her approach according to each client’s needs, using Internal Family Systems Therapy (IFS), Mindfulness, and Cognitive Behavioral Therapy (CBT) as the foundation for their work together, helping clients to notice, bring compassion to, and find acceptance of their inner experience. To connect with Trudy, please email her at trudy@trudygregsontherapy.com or call her at 267-652-1732.

The Bruised Heart: The Importance of Inner Work in Therapy

by Michael Bridges, PhD

One of the great blessings I’ve experienced is that most of my professional life has involved helping people from all walks of life heal through the practice of psychotherapy. While I’ve practiced psychotherapy since I received my PhD in the early 90s, for many years I was also a university professor who did research on what factors brought about a “corrective emotional experience” that helped people change for the better. One of the most important factors is, not surprisingly, the quality of the relationship clients develop with their therapist. However, a factor that may be even more important is the relationship that clients develops in therapy with their own inner world. Research now shows that some of the most healing moments happen when clients move from focusing in therapy on the outer world and shift their attention to their inner world of emotions, sensations, memories and images. This is what I refer to as the “Inner Work” of therapy.

The importance of focusing on this inner world was brought home to me some years ago when I was doing research on what helped people get over betrayals and other attachment injuries in close relationships. I was the therapist for Elizabeth (aspects of the following have been changed to protect the client’s confidentiality), an intelligent and motivated young woman in her thirties who was participating because she was having difficulty letting go of the pain and anger related to an affair. Years before she had found out that her husband of 12 years was having an affair with her best friend. This double betrayal left her so devastated that she eventually left her marriage. She also became so depressed that she entered therapy and for a few months took an antidepressant. After about a year she regained her ability to function and no longer felt depressed. But in our first session she shared that she still thought about her ex several times a week and felt pangs of sadness and anger. She also shared that, although she was a vivacious, intelligent and attractive woman and had no problem finding men to date, whenever she started to become emotionally close, something in her would say, “That’s it!” And she would end the relationship.

Elizabeth had already been in therapy for a year after her divorce and had liked her therapist and felt they made substantial progress that had alleviated her depression. So why was it that, four years later, she still felt she had to shield her heart in a romantic relationship? Instead of continuing to explore her history and go back over the insights she had from her previous therapy, I suggested that, in our second session, she allow me to guide her into her inner world by using a technique developed by the psychologist Eugene Gendlin, called Focusing. This involved having her close her eyes and move out of thoughts and words and to wait for her body to develop a “felt sense” of what was holding her back.

After a few minutes she sighed and placed her hand over her heart and said softly, “It’s like my heart is tender and bruised.  It is like my heart is not saying, “Don’t love.” It is more that it is saying, “Be careful! Be careful.”

In stark contrast to her bruised heart, she also became aware of a sense of energy and strength in her stomach. She smiled as she placed her hand over her stomach and described how she could tell how this felt sense inspired her in her work as a dancer and choreographer and she continued to beam as she described seeing the energy spread down her legs connecting her with people she loved.

I was frankly amazed and delighted by what was Elizabeth was sharing. This, after all, was only our second session! I also think it is important to add that I was not using guided imagery. All what Elizabeth was sharing was coming from her just patiently attending to the sensations, images and associations that were spontaneously arising from her own inner work. We were near the end of our session and, I found myself imagining her standing in that place of strength and light in her stomach and looking up at her bruised heart. Almost on a whim I shared the image with her and she agreed to try it out. What happened next astounded both of us.

As she imagined moving to that place of light and strength in her stomach and gazing up at her heart, the smile slowly faded from her face. Suddenly she leaned forward and put her face in her hands and started sobbing. When she lifted her face up, she was still crying but there was a smile on her face. She was literally smiling through her tears as she shared, “When I looked up…I saw this red, purple bruised heart... but suddenly, there was white light bursting out of it! Like my heart was showing me, I still have so much love to give!”

As profound as this session was for both of us, I don’t want to suggest that Elizabeth shed all her fears surrounding romantic relationships in one session. But she often referred to that session as significant for restoring her faith in her own ability to love. Since this was a research study, our therapy was limited to 14 sessions. But at the end of that time she was feeling much less anxious, had started to date for the first time in over a year, and instead of ruminating about her ex several times a week shared, "I'm really not thinking about him. If I do, it's almost like thinking about a movie I saw a couple years ago. It's not charged the way it was."

If you would like to read a Philadelphia Inquirer article about the research that this article was based on, which includes an interview with Elizabeth, click here: http://theresiliencycenter.com/wordpress/wp-content/uploads/2017/12/What-becomes-of-the-broken-hearted-Philly-Inq-Article-2004.pdf

If you are more scientifically minded or a therapist yourself, the link below leads to a PDF of an article I wrote for The Journal of Clinical Psychology that describes the research in more detail:
http://theresiliencycenter.com/wordpress/wp-content/uploads/2017/12/Activating-the-Corrective-Emotional-Experience-Bridges-2006.pdf

Michael R Bridges, Ph.D. has been a psychologist, professor and therapist for over 30 years. Dr. Bridges’ psychotherapy specialties include depression, trauma and anxiety, job stress and career transition. He has experience working with individuals from diverse backgrounds but currently works with many physicians, health-care professionals, attorneys, business professionals, academics and other therapists who function in demanding work environments. He helps clients do their own inner-work using empirically informed methods derived from Internal Family Systems (IFS) therapy, Emotionally Focused and Cognitive Behavioral Therapies. He can be reached at drmbridges1@gmail.com or 215-868-6393.

Thanks, I’ll Take It From Here

by Rachel Kobin

When I chose Acceptance as the theme for our July newsletter, I thought I knew what I wanted to say. Now that I’m actually trying to write it, I feel lost. There’s a voice inside me saying, “You should brainstorm, just write a list of all of the reasons you wanted to write about acceptance; you should mind map or make a vision board; you should at least write an outline.” But how can I write an outline when there’s so much I could say, and who is this bossy person calling me “You”?

Acceptance. Okay, I’m going to practice it right now. I’m the Director of the Philadelphia Writers’ Workshop and I’m struggling to write a few paragraphs about acceptance. I’ll just sit with this struggle and be compassionate with myself. This is part of the writing process, part of any process. But there’s that girl nagging, “But you’re the Director of the Philadelphia Writers’ Workshop. You of all people should be able to write a cogent article.”

That voice isn’t nearly as loud or shrill as she used to be. After years of helpful therapy, I worked with a life coach who helped me have a direct conversation with that mean, bossy girl barraging me with an endless list of shoulds I would never be able to accomplish. I thanked her for her concern, for her attempts to save me from exposing my shortcoming and faults. I told her I wouldn’t be hiding until I was perfect anymore: it was time for me to move on, to open up to the world around me and embrace myself as I am.

           

Like I said, that voice is still there. I can hear her now: She’s worried I’ll make a fool of myself if I don’t write an article “worthy” of me. “What will people think?” she’s saying. I reply, “This is what acceptance looks like: letting go of what other people think, daring to make myself vulnerable and embracing my imperfections. Acceptance isn’t organized; no amount of outlining or mind mapping will remove the bumps and potholes from the path to reaching it, but it is scenic. As I take in the variety of vistas, my love for myself and others grows.”

Oh, dang, there she goes again! “You should be writing the perfect article!” Chill girl, I’m sure whatever I write will be good enough.  

Since 2006, Rachel Kobin has facilitated acceptance via creative writing workshops held at The Resiliency Center on Tuesday Nights. She also helps people finish their novels, screenplays, plays, collections of short stories, and essays in the Manuscript Workshop and as a private editor. Learn more at www.phillywriters.com

Meeting the Self-Critic with Compassion

by Elizabeth Venart

Even during a simple conversation between two people, the words said aloud exist on one level while simultaneously entire dialogues play out in each individual’s mind. This is why a seemingly innocent request like, “Please pass the butter,” can spark an argument. The new Pixar film, “Inside Out,” gives life to the concept that, while we have one unified self, we are made up of many parts, parts with different needs and emotions. As we face various choices in our daily lives, our parts may be in agreement or in conflict with one another. Thus the well-known term “inner conflict,” which, for example, happens when one part of us feels enthusiastic about going out to see friends but another part is exhausted and yearns to stay home and read a book.

Most people are familiar with the “Inner Critic” part within them. Some hear this critical voice occasionally, while others hear it nearly constantly. It may comment on our appearance, our performance, how productive we are being, and it can even make us second-guess everything we say in conversations with others. These negative internal messages can greatly influence how we feel and how we behave in our relationships.

Kristin Neff, a respected researcher who has been studying self-compassion for over ten years, believes strongly in the power of compassion to soften our inner critic. In her book, “Self-Compassion: Stop Beating Yourself Up and Leave Insecurity Behind,” she explores why inner communication can often be so critical and how to bring kindness to our internal dialogue. She provides a framework for self-compassion that includes being kind to ourselves, recognizing our common humanity with others, and bringing balanced awareness to our experiences.

Similarly, Internal Family Systems (IFS) therapy suggests we bring compassion and curiosity to all parts of Self, including the inner critic. In this framework, the inner critic is actually working hard to protect us, so we are invited to identify, acknowledge, and appreciate it for its hard work. The process of IFS provides a pathway for people to strengthen Self, the core or essence within each person, trusting that each individual’s Self innately possesses the qualities of calmness, compassion, creativity, confidence, courageousness, clarity, curiosity, and connection. By deepening our awareness of Self and bringing compassion and curiosity to our parts as they arise—even the inner critic—people can make unburdened choices and experience greater freedom and joy.

For most people, learning to treat all parts of Self with compassion is a process requiring patience and practice. At the time I am writing this, the Pixar film has yet to be released. For a fun introduction to the idea that we all have parts of self, why not invite a good friend to go see “Inside Out” with you. Good friends are, by definition, already experts at showing compassion for all of our parts, which makes them great partners as we learn to be equally compassionate with ourselves.

If you would like to deepen your understanding of how IFS can support you in communicating compassionately with yourself, you may want to watch this video [https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=aPx04ZWnkR4] or check out the Internal Family Systems website at selfleadership.org. You can also learn more by contacting me directly. In addition to being the Director of The Resiliency Center, I am a Licensed Professional Counselor who integrates mindfulness, EMDR, and Internal Family Systems into my work with individuals and couples. I love partnering with people to cultivate greater compassion and joy. Learn more at elizabethvenart.com or by contacting me at 215-233-2002 or elizabeth@elizabethvenart.com.