by Barbra Danin, LMFT, Clinical Art Therapist
When my kids become wild and unruly, I use a nice, safe
playpen. When they're finished, I climb out. – by Erma Bombeck
As
parents, we have a mission to raise our children be independent, strong
responsible and resilient. In
order for children to be successful and happy, they require tools to assist
them in achieving their hopes and dreams.
Many parents find that they cannot fall back on the child rearing
strategies they learned from their parents. Children’s issues, needs, and understanding of themselves
are different today, and they require different parenting approaches.
Ongoing positive encounters and meaningful communication
between parents and children are some of the most effective means of building
trusting relationships. While
limits and consequences are helpful for many children in order to help them
learn to function in the world, for many children those strategies are
ineffective, because children’s negative behaviors have emotional
underpinnings. When a child is upset (or most of us, for that matter), the
emotional part of the brain takes over, blocking the ability to think clearly. When a child is acting out, they are
incapable of thinking clearly and logically. Often consequences, imparted when children are upset, are
experienced as punishment, which makes them feel more upset. This can cause an
escalation of the negative behavior. Conventional wisdom has touted “Time Out”
as one of the most effective and necessary strategies for disciplining
children. When a child is sent
away, however, many feel rejected and ashamed, leading to an escalation of their
negative behavior. The child often
feels rejected and misunderstood.
Additionally, many children forget why they have been sent to “time
out”, and are left with confusion and resentment. These feelings all impact the child’s self-esteem, and the
consequence fails to achieve the intended goal.
While it is important to confront negative behavior
immediately when it occurs, for many, a more effective way to do so is with
“Time In”. Rather than sending the
child away, the focus of “Time In” is connecting with the child to help them
calm down and then gain an understanding of their feelings and behaviors. During a “Time In” the child and parent
sit together, while the parent offers support and understanding, and helps the
child to self soothe. Many worry
that “Time In” strategies reinforce the negative behavior; however, the goal of
“Time In” is to simply help the child calm down, so that they can think more
clearly. After the child has calmed down and can be rational, a productive
discussion of what occurred can be effective. Appropriate consequences can then help teach the child
valuable lessons.
Barbra Danin, LMFT,
incorporates Art Therapy & EMDR in treating children as young as 3, and
keeps parents very involved in the process. “As children’s brains are still forming, they quickly absorb
the tools and interventions offered with Art Therapy & EMDR.” Barbra can be reached at: bdanin@barbradanin.com or (314) 477-8585.
Learn more at www.barbradanin.com