Spring Cleaning and the Meaning of Our Things

by Vanessa Mortillo

I recently went on a decluttering tour of my home office and bedroom. I got sick of the disorganized items piling up, even though my home is usually some version of slightly chaotic. I was pleasantly surprised by a sense of mental spaciousness I achieved by simply removing a chunk of the items. I armed myself with several books about minimalism: the practice of prioritizing what is most important in life, and letting go of the rest. 

I got to thinking about the meaning of my things as I went through different sections of my belongings. I started with clothing. When I removed old things from the closet I felt a sense that I could create a new me. I then tackled a series of jewelry boxes that were left to me by my grandmother. Sentimental items like these are tricky– I felt a sense of obligation to my grandmother to be a good steward of her things. Ultimately, I realized that my grandmother passed these to me because she knew that I would know the right thing to do with them. I saved some of the beads of cheaper pieces that didn’t suit me, so I could upcycle and and make into new items. I discovered some pieces I love to put into regular rotation. I kept a box of iconic pieces that, even if they aren’t my style, remind me of her. I took some of my books off the shelf, and filed and organized the pile of papers on my desk. Suddenly I felt energized. I kept what was truly meaningful from these items and passed on the rest.

The thing that truly shocked me is that the benefits of slimming down my belongings filled me with a sense of potentiality. I now had room to change my style, dream big, and finally tackle some of my loftier aspirations. I realized that at some point, our things can become baggage we carry around, clogging our visual field. Getting rid of things was like shuffling off an old exoskeleton. When I completed the first phase, I felt a sense of clarity and mental spaciousness. I felt like I had room to think and breathe.

To preserve this sense of peace and calm, I realized I need to shift to a minimalist lifestyle. Minimalism isn’t simply the removal of objects; instead, it is an intentional practice of maintaining our space, reprioritizing what to spend our money on, and letting go of anything that doesn’t work for us. As an added bonus, my home will now have less to dust and clean now that surfaces are more clear. 

All our items — even the junk in the junk drawer — carry some meaning. We may have a desire not to waste, a sense of obligation to a person or money the money we previously spent, or another reason we hold on to things. Because of this, minimalism is much harder than it looks. As I continue my journey, I discovered so many resources on minimalism — because this topic is so complicated! The path is different for each person, and it is different in different phases of life. I have compiled some of my favorite resources below. Happy Spring Cleaning!

Vanessa Mortillo MA, LPC is a Licensed Professional Counselor that provides wellness offerings and individual and group therapy. Utilizing mindfulness, expressive arts, and play therapy modalities, she harnesses creativity and imagination in the service of growth and healing. To learn more, contact her at vanessamortilloepcs@gmail.com or 267-507-2793.

On Pet Loss

by Vanessa Mortillo

“There is hardly time to love a dog as you’d like, as the dog would no doubt like.” — Robert Dessaix

Yesterday as I frantically prepared for work I was frustrated to notice that I was covered in dog hair. As I grabbed the lint roller, a pang of melancholy hit me. Since I had lost my dear, faithful beloved dog, Danygirl, these pesky dog hairs on my clothes are the last remnants of her. I never thought I would be so sad to not be covered in dog hair. 

This moment is one of the many moments that pet owners experience as they process the loss of a pet. It is not only the loss of a loved one, but the moments through your daily routine that were shaped by your time with your pet. Losing a pet is similar to grieving any loved one, and yet it is not the same. While almost everyone in my community has treated my loss very seriously, many people are told that their soul animal was “just an animal.”  In my journeys online, looking for comfort for my grief over my dog, I saw so many posts and messages of people admitting that the loss of their pet was harder than certain loved ones in their life. While every pet is different, pets provide unconditional, uncomplicated support. For many of us humans, our time with our pet is the only time we experience this. This love is much much simpler and more profound. This is why pet loss is devastating.

Another factor complicating grief over our pets is that we take on the difficult decision to offer the mercy of euthanasia. I had an intense mix of feelings about this. It felt uncomfortable to ostensibly play god by choosing to end my dog’s life. However, despite my awareness that losing her would be hard to bear, it was even more unbearable to watch her struggling and not feeling well. The decision is difficult, and many factors complicate each pet owner’s decision. 

And then, there is the time after the loss. This is the work of grief.  Below are just a few suggestions for how to manage grief surrounding the loss of a pet. 

Feel your feelings

Remember that your beloved pet was a family member, and that your grief and devastation are human responses to losing a family member. Write love letters, poems and journal entries for your pet. Visit the places you went to. Do anything you can think of to honor your pet.

Trust your gut

If you feel like your pet is present with you in spirit, allow that to be true. If you feel that you need to hang on to the pet’s personal belongings, do that. There is not a wrong way to grieve.

Memorialize your pet

Memorials are important rituals that help us process our grief and reflect on the beautiful and important parts of our relationships. You can create an altar, have a memorial service, plan to scatter ashes in a favorite place, hang a paw print — anything that will honor the relationship you had with your pet. 

Consider a Pet Loss Support Group

If you are grieving the loss of a pet, you are in good company. A group can offer a community of people who are willing to listen and support each other through this vulnerable time. See resources below for pet loss support. 

Reach out to a therapist

For many, the feelings of loss of a pet are so profound that they experience complicated grief. If you are struggling to manage, have noticed depression or a decline in your mental health, please reach out for support. 

Vanessa Mortillo, LPC, is a Licensed Professional Counselor specializing in play therapy, mindfulness, and expressive arts. She provides a playful space to harness creativity and imagination in the service of growth and healing. She can be reached at 267-507-5793 or vanessamortillolpc@counselingsecure.com.

Beginner’s Mind and Our Inner Child

by Vanessa Mortillo

When we have no thought of achievement, no thought of self, we are true beginners. Then we can really learn something. -- Shunryu Suzuki

In every adult there lurks a child - an eternal child, something that is becoming, is never completed and calls for unceasing care, attention and education. That is the part of the human personality which waits to develop and become whole. – Carl Jung

Do you remember a time, as a child, when you encountered something new? When walking in the woods was an opportunity to discover a new bug, or rock formation, to learn something you previously did not know about how the world works? A time when a backyard contained multitudes of mini-worlds to be explored and created. Sometimes things could seem mysterious and scary, unknown, but often these memories are accompanied with a sense of awe and wonder. 

As a child, you do not yet have preconceived notions about things in the world, and for this reason, it is easy to see things in a fresh light. A child’s ability to be creative emerges because the world is not yet sorted into categories and labels, but exists to be explored and played with.

In Zen Buddhism, this quality is referred to as Beginner’s Mind-- approaching the world as though we are seeing it for the first time, with openness and curiosity. Shunryu Suzuki, in his book Zen Mind, Beginner’s Mind offered this concept to modern readers. Suzuki states, "In the beginner's mind there are many possibilities, but in the expert's mind there are few." As we get older, we start to sort and categorize our experiences into expertise and a sense of knowing, that can stop us from seeing things as they truly are. We can also feel dull or restricted by our preconceived notions.  Jon Kabat-Zinn, founder of Mindfulness-based Stress Reduction notes that beginner’s mind, “prevents us from getting stuck in the rut of our own expertise.” Practicing a beginner’s mind keeps us growing and learning. 

So how do we cultivate and practice beginner’s mind? Gaylon Ferguson, Senior Teacher at the Shambala Institute, offers a simple exercise of  “welcoming” as one way to practice. The exercise begins by taking a seat, eyes, open in a soft posture, dropping the effort, and simply noticing what is happening internally and externally for three minutes.

For more practices, or to go deeper, join me for Welcoming the Inner Child: A Day of Art, Play, and Mindfulness. During this day of retreat we will explore, and practice ways of connecting with our inner child wisdom and cultivate beginner’s mind. See details below in featured events section.

Vanessa Mortillo, LPC, is a Licensed Professional Counselor specializing in play therapy, mindfulness, and expressive arts. She provides a playful space to harness creativity and imagination in the service of growth and healing. Using a strengths-based approach, she builds on what is working well in your life. She has worked with adults and children from a variety of backgrounds in home, school, and outpatient settings and is committed to advancing equity and social justice. She can be reached at 267-507-5793 or vanessamortillolpc@counselingsecure.com.

In Service and Hope

by Vanessa Mortillo

“Though my soul may set in darkness, it will rise in perfect light; I have loved the stars too fondly to be fearful of the night.”— Sarah Williams, Twilight Hours: A Legacy of Verse

As we enter the darker months of the year, I honor that this time of year, and this time in history, can be heavy for many. It is easy to feel gutted by grief and hopelessness. Yet during these times, I also notice that these feelings arise from a deep commitment and care for loved ones and our community. In the words of Marvel comic book hero, Vision, “What is grief, if not love persevering?” We can only feel loss when we know deep love. 

When I understand this, I feel a deeper call to service. I feel a pull to show caring to what I have not lost. So, in the words of Vice President Harris, “Let us fill the sky with the light of a brilliant, brilliant, billion of stars. The light of optimism, of faith, of truth, and service.”  May we hold tight to those we love, may we give ourselves to the greater good, and may we be unrelenting in our care and protection of others. May we fill up the dark sky with light. 

Bonding for Life: FirstPlay Therapy

by Vanessa Mortillo

How do we know when we are in a healthy intimate relationship? What might we notice? Empathy? Mutuality? Comforting Touch? Security? Are skills for healthy relationships something we are born with, or can we learn these?  Expanding out further into community, friendships and social interactions: How do we balance the needs of others in a way that allows us to be part of a community without losing sight of ourselves?

The science shows that we are actually not born with these skills, but that the bonding during infancy and in our earliest years creates a roadmap for healthy relationships in the long term and is vital to the baby’s developing brain. Healthy bonding in infancy and childhood establishes a safe base for children and a felt sense of confidence in the world — referred to in child development research as secure attachment.  Without nurturing touch, interaction and play, babies cannot survive and feel secure. Through caregiver attunement, or the caregiver’s ability to notice and attend to their baby’s needs, a baby begins to feel securely attached, learns empathy, healthy coping strategies, a positive sense of self, and a good relationship with their body.

Attunement can be challenging with infants because they are not able to tell us what their needs are with language. In an ideal world, we would have all received attuned caregiving — full of back and forth play and connected interactions  — and enter parenthood knowing how to do this with our babies. However, in our human world, many of us may not have received this and grapple with increasing demands for our attention (including work obligations and technology). In addition, complications in the birthing process can include trauma and mental health challenges for parents and babies that impacts these early bonding experiences.

The good news is that regardless of what has happened in our lives, we can learn skills for healthy relationships. No matter our age or stage of life, it is possible to develop our abilities, changing ourselves and fostering healthy growth in our children. To help parents build these critical skills, Dr. Janet Courtney, an internationally recognized teacher and play therapist, developed FirstPlay Therapy, a short-term intervention, to support parents with skills for attuning to and bonding with their baby or child under 5. FirstPlay engages the powers of play, infant massage/touch, and story to build your bond and set your baby up for healthy growth and development.

In FirstPlay therapy, parents learn skills for relaxing themselves, creating daily times for connection with their child, reading and responding to their child’s cues, fostering back and forth playful interactions, and providing healthy touch. The benefits of FirstPlay impact the child’s development, increase caregiver confidence, and support parents with postpartum depression. And even better news: FirstPlay interventions can be done with children up to 5 years of age to continue to strengthen healthy bonding. 

For more information about FirstPlay therapy, contact Licensed Professional Counselor and trained FirstPlay therapist Vanessa Mortillo at vanessamortilloepcs@gmail.com or (267) 507-5793. Vanessa has a play therapy office at The Resiliency Center where she works with children and families to support healthy attachment, facilitate trauma healing, and help children with sensitivity, autism, and emotional and behavioral challenges to cope better, enjoy life, and thrive. 

The Healing Power of Art

by Vanessa Mortillo, LPC

Making art is like giving a gift: evidence of your spirit and that you are here. – Patty Mitchel

I have long been fascinated with the ways that visual images offer new pathways of communication and a deeper way to learn about the self.  To give an example, I was recently with a client who was struggling with controlling anger. I prompted him to draw his anger as a creature. The client took to the page readily, intuitively sketching out an anger monster, and surrounding it with images from his life. What I did not expect was how this drawing led to a profound shift in his ability to control anger, and how the image said so much more than he had previously been able to put into words. The insights he gained from seeing it on the page, and the process of art-making itself, offered a new sense of freedom for him.

Making visual art may have helped my client in more ways than one. Art has many therapeutic applications, including art therapy, expressive arts therapy, and even hospital wellness programs.  Below are just a few of the myriad benefits employed by visual arts that can make a world of difference.

Externalizing the problem

Art can help us put our problems outside of ourselves. When we put feelings or thoughts into an image, we get separation from our struggles as well as a sense of perspective.  We start to see that our challenges do not define who we are. We get a bird’s eye view of the issues at hand. For some, drawing scary feelings — contained in the boundaries of a page — can create a manageable way of exploring traumas.

Self-Soothing/Recreation

Doodlers and coloring book enthusiasts experience the relaxing qualities of moving pen, pencil, or paint brush across a page and adding calming colors. The process itself has been shown to have calming effects.

Another Way to Process

Art allows us to use metaphor and symbolism rather than words. Expressive Arts therapist Shaun McNiff writes, “The psychotherapeutic use of the arts offers an opportunity to integrate scientific knowledge about the psyche with the more imaginative and spiritual hemisphere of the mind, where the power to heal lies.” Because visual arts engage our sensory system and both sides of our brain, they offer another way to process our feelings and traumas, especially when we struggle to find words to express our emotions. Our artwork can also be a way to bring unconscious materials into the light of awareness. 

Intrigued? Already someone who enjoys creating or perhaps curious to see what you’d discover? I invite you to engage the healing power of visual art-making by exploring some of the activities in the links below or joining me for a new monthly offering of mindful art-making. Let’s create — together. 

Vanessa Mortillo, LPC, is a Licensed Professional Counselor specializing in play therapy, mindfulness, and the use of art in play. She has worked with adults and children from a variety of backgrounds in home, school, and outpatient settings and is committed to advancing equity and social justice. She can be reached at 267-507-5793 or vanessamortillolpc@counselingsecure.com.

Post Traumatic Growth in the Aftermath of Covid

by Vanessa Mortillo, LPC

Coming out of the deep freeze of winter and seeing signs of new life, I am struck by nature’s inherent pattern of rebirth after darkness and cold. This feels like a fertile time to reflect on the growth that has occurred in the wake of the Covid-19 pandemic. The pandemic presented a sense of freezing of daily functioning; we experienced fear and grief, the threat of death or injury to ourselves and our loved ones, and loss of jobs, celebrations and rituals. As a society, it is undeniable that it presented hardship and led to a seismic shift in how we operate on a daily basis and how we view the world. Like the Spanish Flu of 1918 and World War I and II before it, the pandemic was an experience of collective trauma. When we are in the midst of a trauma, we are focused on getting through it and persevering. Only in its aftermath do we truly have time to reflect on how we have changed.

Trauma and post traumatic growth

Trauma is any event or exposure to an event that threatens serious bodily injury or death. Human beings have a wide range of responses to trauma; some are able to return to homeostasis somewhat quickly, while others may develop mental health challenges (anxiety, depression, intense fear, avoidance, etc.) as a direct result. In the 1990’s two trauma psychologists noticed a phenomenon they referred to as Post Traumatic Growth occurring amongst their patients who experienced significant distress following a trauma. Post Traumatic Growth results when a person grapples internally with an earth-shattering event, and emerges on the other side with lasting positive changes. Tedeschi and Calhoun assert that this type of growth is a direct result of the struggle to come to terms with a life-altering experience and does not occur as deeply for those who bounce back quickly.

Tedeschi also noted that the path to this growth is achieved through the struggle, and not instead of it.  It can be tempting to skip over the painful parts of traumatic experience and try to rush to the positive outcomes. However, fully listening to, holding space for, and processing the pain of trauma is an important step on the path to healing and growth. While the work is difficult, it can bring about positive change. These are the areas of post-traumatic growth they identified:

Depth of Relating to Others: Trauma can test our relationships but also deepen them. It may force us to reach out in ways that result in the reinforcement and expansion of vital support systems.  It can also result in our struggles fostering deeper compassion for others who also struggle.

New Possibilities: Experiencing a major change in your life can leave you reflecting on all of the changes that are possible, the development of new interests, or simply a willingness to make major changes. Often when we are forced to change, we gain new courage to tackle other changes.

Personal Strength: Trauma can help us realize that we can handle more than we thought possible and gain new confidence in our coping and self reliance.

Spiritual Enhancement: Sometimes our most painful and scariest experiences can result in contact with the meaning of life and forces beyond the self. We may have a more profound connection with our spirituality after a trauma than we did before it.

Appreciation: Experiencing loss can lead to deeper appreciation of what we have not lost.

I invite you to reflect on these areas for yourself. How have you changed as a result of the pandemic? Have you noticed growth in any of these areas? You may find it helpful to write about your experience and/or to discuss your responses with a trusted person in your life. While there is a lot that happened during the pandemic that was universal, we also had our own unique experiences and were impacted differently. Similarly, the areas where have grown in the aftermath of trauma will vary from person to person. Reflecting on your growth and sharing that with another person can be a bridge to deeper connection and appreciation of our resiliency.

Vanessa Mortillo, LPC, is a Licensed Professional Counselor specializing in play therapy, mindfulness, and expressive arts. She provides a playful space to harness creativity and imagination in the service of growth and healing. Using a strengths-based approach, she builds on what is working well in your life. She has worked with adults and children from a variety of backgrounds in home, school, and outpatient settings and is committed to advancing equity and social justice. She can be reached at 267-507-5793‬ or vanessamortillolpc@counselingsecure.com.

Play as Preventative Care At Any Age

by Vanessa Mortillo, LPC

    “The opposite of play is not work—it’s depression.” — Brian Sutton Smith

As a play therapist, I support young people through anxieties and hardships. Using their natural language of play, we act out struggles and work through them in the present moment.  Play offers a unique way of processing difficult feelings in the presence of a connected adult.  What surprised me the most about my work is that even in the midst of darkness and trauma, joy can and does enter the play.  One minute I am defending myself in an angry play sword-fight and next moment I am bouncing a balloon. Through the magic of play, I can travel between levity and heaviness with my clients, and we weave more light in as we go. Children often do this naturally, but adults can do this too.
Relearning this skill through my training as a play therapist has changed my life as an adult. Once very serious and intellectual, I now have more balance. I have gained the confidence to be ridiculous, silly, and to let go. I make sand castles regularly, I dance and wear costumes. I am less afraid to play in front of others.  I laugh more and feel closer to those that I play with. In the midst of hard things, I remember that play is available at any moment. 

This phenomenon has been beautifully described by play expert Stuart Brown, “Those who play rarely become brittle in the face of stress or lose the healing capacity for humor.”  Dr. Brown became passionate about play when he studied mass murderers and found that most had been severely deprived of opportunities for play in early childhood and beyond. He calls this scenario a play deficit. While these represent the most extreme cases, his continued research on play found that playing regularly leads to more spontaneity, creativity, resilience, hope, and social connection for people of all ages. Dr. Brown also found this to be true in the animal kingdom as many social species play throughout the lifespan.

Kevin Carroll, Philadelphia native, former athletic coach for the 76ers, author and motivational speaker, cites his access to play as a child as transformational. In childhood, he had access to few resources and was adopted by grandparents due to his parents suffering from addiction. The playground and a red rubber ball changed his life. He has gone on to help organizations reignite creativity and inspire adults to play. At Tedx Harlem, he invited adults to formally resign from adulthood for a few moments.
“Here are my checkbook, my car keys, my credit card, my bills, my 401k statement. Because you know what? You’ll have to catch me first!  Because tag! You’re it!” I’d like to tag you into the magic of play by inviting you to join in.
 
Join us at the Resiliency Center for a workshop. From laughter yoga, movement, writing workshops, or our new Fun Therapy Happy Hour, we offer something for all types of players. Check out the helpful links and books below for a plethora of ideas of ways to play in every day life. 

Vanessa Mortillo MA, LPC is a Licensed Professional Counselor that provides individual and group therapy to youth and young adults. Utilizing mindfulness, expressive arts, and play therapy modalities, she harnesses creativity and imagination in the service of growth and healing. Specialties include children and teens, mindfulness groups, play therapy, and expressive arts. Contact her at (267) 507-5793 or vanessamortilloepcs@gmail.com.

Transforming Sorrow into Connection

by Vanessa Mortillo

 

“When we come from a place of love, everything shifts for us.”

-Lama Palden Drolma

 

A powerful tool I have turned to when I find myself overwhelmed with the suffering of others is the Buddhist practice of Tonglen, or “sending and receiving.” This practice invites us to take in suffering and pain, and then move it outward into the world as greater compassion and joy. The first part of the practice includes breathing in the suffering. At first glance this sounds counterintuitive, but for many of us, the suffering is already stuck inside. In her book on Tonglen, Love on Every Breath, Lama Palden Drolma states, “many of us take in the suffering, and it simply sits in us, unprocessed, weighing us down.” She details the use of this practice to move the stuckness and hopelessness into greater compassion by turning our kindness outward. The second part of Tonglen, sending peace on the outbreath, invites us to deepen our connectedness to others in the world. This process in itself is healing. When we feel more connected we have access to our internal resources including love, compassion and empowerment. 

 

To get started, Pema Chodron guides us through a short Tonglen practice here. 

Healing for Helpers

2022 March Newsletter:  Healing for the Helpers

 

Healing for Helpers

by Vanessa Mortillo

 

“My mother would say to me, ‘Look for the helpers. You will always find people who are helping.’ To this day, especially in times of disaster, I remember my mother’s words, and I am always comforted by realizing that there are still so many helpers — so many caring people in this world.” – Fred Rogers

 

From the hospital staff who have showed up for the sick and dying, to the parents who work double duty supporting their children and maintaining normalcy, to our teachers, daycare and eldercare staff, clergy, mental health professionals, first responders, and service workers, it is comforting to know that helpers are everywhere. Yet, it is difficult to find words that do justice to their extraordinary struggles during this pandemic. Many helpers rose to meet challenges head on, and many are tired.

 

For anyone in a helping role, it is important to pay close attention to your own wellbeing. The classic airline safety instruction, “Put on your oxygen mask first before helping others,” is so true. Yet, so many helpers charge forward with little attention to their inner lives. If this sounds like you, I see you.  You may have been taught that taking time for yourself is selfish or fear that showing vulnerability will be concerning to others. As a result, you may not be asking for support when you need it.  I often hear the phrase “I am so done” from frustrated parents, teachers, and youth that I work with. Exhaustion, depressed mood, hopelessness, and frustration are all signs that it may be time to focus on your own healing. Doing so will expand your ability to help others immeasurably.

 

An oft overlooked aspect of healing is staying connected to other people and our community. Dr. Bruce Perry, a renowned child psychiatrist and trauma expert, states, “Relationships are the agents of change, and the most powerful therapy is human love.” Dr. Perry found that even short, positive 5-minute conversations with other people, spread throughout the day, can shift internal energy from distress into homeostasis. Connecting to community might look like asking trusted friends to check in, making an effort to call people more frequently, planning quality time with loved ones, or even joining a new community. This is one of the reasons the Resiliency Center offers classes and workshops. We understand that humans thrive in community.

 

Below are a few more self-care tips to support your healing journey:

 

·      Self-compassion: Understand that you are often simply doing your best with what you have available to you. You are just one human dealing with a lot, and it is okay to take breaks and attend to your own needs first. Give yourself grace if you make mistakes. Commit to loving kindness meditation practices.

 

·      Attending to your body: Moving, exercising, and massage can release tension and stress as well as relieve parts of your body that carry emotional burdens. Feed yourself foods that nourish you.

 

·      Seek therapy: If you have lost someone, have been exposed to trauma, or simply would like support as you support others or to experience your own healing, invest in therapy.

 

As many challenges as we face as helpers, there are many ways to cope. Creating a sustainable lifestyle that allows you to be your best self while helping others may involve getting to know yourself better and finding the self-care strategies that work best for you. We hope you take time for yourself and take care.

 

Vanessa Mortillo is a Licensed Professional Counselor with extensive training in play therapy. Utilizing mindfulness, expressive arts, and play-based interventions, Vanessa provides a playful space to harness creativity and imagination in the service of growth and healing. To learn more about her practice, view her profile or contact her at vmortillo@gmail.com or 267-507-5793.