Why Self-Compassion is More Important Than Self-Esteem

by Jen Perry, MSEd, MA, LPC

In my work as a therapist, I find that people frequently come to therapy worried about self-esteem, either their own or that of their children or some other person they love dearly. Self-esteem is generally defined as confidence in one’s self-worth and abilities, as well as having a sense of value and self-respect. However, it is essential to remember that, as humans, we are verbs, not nouns. If valuing and respecting ourselves is the outcome we want, learning about and practicing self-compassion is the way to get there. 

One relevant pitfall I help people avoid is thinking of self-esteem as a fixed state, something you either have or don’t. Confidence and self-esteem are inherently unstable constructs. The truth is that any time we try something new, we will likely lack confidence, feel uncomfortable, and have a lot to learn. Having a growth mindset is so very helpful in these moments. A growth mindset allows for discomfort and stretching when we are growing and learning, which is part of the process of being human.

Self-compassion and a supportive mindset are far more helpful than this idea of “fixed” self-esteem when we find ourselves in new situations with an uncertain outcome.

Self-esteem tends to be viewed through a fixed mindset. This mindset doesn’t allow for growth or process. A fixed mindset purports that you either have the talent for something or you don’t.

Carol Dweck is a researcher who has examined the harmful effects of a fixed mindset. In a nutshell, people who identify with a fixed mindset in their talents seldom want to risk being in a situation that would challenge them or demonstrate they may not be as bright or talented as they think they are.  As a result, they don’t take risks to grow and develop as much as they could if they embrace a growth mindset. And if they do, they tend to blame others or conditions outside of themselves if things don’t go as well as hoped. They miss the opportunity to self-reflect. They miss the chance to grow.

Many people ask me if self-esteem is the root of all their problems. Their self-esteem is low or non-existent. If self-esteem were a tree, they would wish for a towering oak. They fear that they have a very sad sapling that has never had enough nourishment to thrive.

Let’s break down self-esteem. You’ll see why I think it is not only overrated but perhaps an inherently harmful construct that we would all be better off without. Then, I will discuss what may be more helpful.

Webster defines self-esteem as “confidence in one’s worth or abilities; self-respect.” In one aspect, it can be a global assessment of our skills and gifts and how we apply them. However, this is not the way humans typically experience self-esteem. Most humans I know experience situational, context-dependent self-esteem.

Instead of a global, broad-ranging, and honest look at ourselves, we experience how we feel in relation to our situations, the people we are with, and our experiences. In this light, self-esteem is an inherently unstable construct. Most of us gain confidence and belief in ourselves by doing. It’s common to feel situationally low self-esteem when experiencing something new or when our gifts and contributions are not recognized or valued. We are social creatures, and much of our “self-esteem” reflects how others see us, our performance, or our contributions at the moment.

So, I would like to propose that instead of being so fixated on where we are on the self-esteem meter – we focus instead on a more robust and stable construct rooted in a growth mindset: Self-Compassion.

Self-Compassion . . .

Self-compassion is a series of practices that nurture an attitude of kindness and support toward ourselves as we go through life's processes. Self-compassion is extending compassion to oneself in instances of perceived inadequacy, failure, or general suffering.

Kristin Neff is an associate professor at the University of Texas at Austin’s Department of Educational Psychology. She defines self-compassion as being composed of three main components:

• Mindfulness: Self-compassion requires a balanced approach to one’s negative emotions so that feelings are neither suppressed nor exaggerated. Negative thoughts and emotions are observed with openness so that they are held in mindful awareness. Mindfulness is a nonjudgmental, receptive mind state in which individuals observe their thoughts and feelings as they are without trying to suppress or deny them.
• Common humanity: Self-compassion also involves recognizing that suffering and personal failure is part of the shared human experience.
• Self-kindness: Self-compassion entails being warm towards oneself when encountering pain and personal shortcomings rather than ignoring them or hurting oneself with self-criticism.

If I continuously try new and creative things, I will repeatedly feel unsure and have “low self-esteem” feelings. What concerns me is how quickly we label children and evaluate their self-esteem. If self-esteem is going to be up and down throughout their lives situationally as they try new things, wouldn’t it be far more valuable to focus instead on Self-compassion? For a quick taste of what a Self-compassion practice might look like, check out my post here.

Do we want to risk our kids having a sense that we are worried about their self-esteem? Wouldn’t it be better to show them, and ourselves, how to meet ourselves with kindness, no matter where we are, who we are with, or what we are doing?

Jen Perry, MSEd, MA, LPC has been a psychotherapist for over 20 years. She specializes in helping highly sensitive people thrive in love, work, and parenting highly sensitive children. Jen is passionate about using mindfulness and compassion-based approaches to ameliorate human suffering. She can be reached at jen@heartfulnessconsulting.com  or 215-292-5056. Learn more at www.heartfulnessconsulting.com.

Cultivating The Process of Awe

by Jen Perry, MA, MSEd, LPC

One of the best ways I’ve found to cultivate awe in my life is to bow to the Great Mystery of All. That’s what I started calling it when my kids were little. Instead of giving them answers to their countless questions, I frequently would ask them what they thought or felt about something first. I encouraged them to wonder. As I joined them in the energy of this delicious wondering (why is the sky blue? Do turtles like chocolate ice cream? What’s the highest number anyone has counted to?) I found it so much more enjoyable than knowing a bunch of applicable facts. And the truth is, anytime we study things at a high level, we are left with more questions than answers. It’s the process of wondering that leaves us open to awe, creativity, and discovery.

Bringing a fresh perspective can bring out the process of awe in even the most ordinary things ~ the flowers in your yard, your family member's faces, every night's sky. It is this perspective that I invite into each meeting with each client in my practice. It keeps our work fresh and often, surprising and spontaneous. I encourage clients to meet themselves and their experiences with the process of awe and reverence, and in doing so, magic can happen. Creativity in problem-solving and working through limiting beliefs, while still hard work, becomes joyful. Wondering about problematic behavior and how it may be adaptive (either now or in the past) becomes an exercise in being curious and appreciative of who we are and why we do what we do. Therapy then becomes a process of getting to know yourself better and deepening in love with who you are as you grow instead of a painful endeavor of fixing what was never broken in the first place.

In addition to seeking out awe-inspiring peak experiences, it is possible to live a more awe-filled life. Nurturing curiosity by learning to question (or at least identify) your underlying assumptions about yourself, others, and the world allows a spaciousness that is fertile ground for awe. Allow yourself to wonder actively about everything as an exercise. And lastly, noticing beauty in the ordinary. 

Quiz on Awe

Take this quiz by researcher Paul Piff to see how much awe is a process in your life:

Ask yourself these questions. Score each item from 1 to 5. If your total reaches 30, then you must be pretty enchanted by the world.

I often feel awe.

I see beauty all around me.

I feel wonder almost every day.

I often look for patterns in the objects around me.

I have many opportunities to see the beauty of nature.

I seek our experiences that challenge my understanding of the world.

Source: Paul Piff, clipped from Psychology Today Magazine, and hung on my bulletin board for the last few years.  

Parenting Your Highly Sensitive Child

by Jen Perry, MA, MSEd, LPC

Is your child highly sensitive? Does your child seem easily overwhelmed and over-reactive? High sensitivity is a personality trait distinct from other personality traits like introversion or agreeableness. High sensitivity means a person has a sensitive nervous system and processes sensory information more deeply and intensely than their less sensitive peers. They have a keen awareness of the world around them and their inner worlds, noticing many details that go unnoticed by others. They literally see, smell, hear, taste, and feel more in their environment than others. They are often very empathetic, so they are also picking up and processing subtle emotional tones of others. They can't turn this off ~ it is integral to how they experience the world. Perceiving more in the world and experiencing it more intensely, children with high sensitivity easily become overwhelmed and appear to overreact to everyday situations. It isn't hard to imagine the parenting challenges this presents. (Uncertain if your child may be highly sensitive? There is an online test here: http://hsperson.com/test/highly-sensitive-child-test/)

Highly sensitive children often have parents that worry something is "wrong" with their child, after all, their child's peers seem to be handling challenges in the environment just fine. Because high sensitivity occurs at a rate of only 15-20% of the population, many people with high sensitivity carry feelings of there being something "wrong" with them their whole lives. When parents are educated about high sensitivity, they have a profound opportunity to support their children in developing greater life-long self-acceptance, since many of these negative beliefs begin in childhood. If you think that your child is highly sensitive, the researcher of this trait, Elaine Aron, PhD, has written a book called The Highly Sensitive Child: Helping Our Children Thrive When the World Overwhelms Them. Educating yourself and your child about temperament and personality traits can help make your journey together far less confusing and conflictual.  Without an understanding of this personality trait, these children are at risk of being seen as abnormal or their behaviors misconstrued as behavioral problems motivated to "manipulate" the parent. As a result, many parents worry that something is "wrong" with their parenting, their child, or both.

Compounding the parenting challenge is the fact that highly sensitive children respond poorly to conventional parenting wisdom. Remember, these children are taking in more sensory and emotional information and processing it more deeply than others. They can't turn this off - it is a personality trait and integral to how they experience being in the world. Children with high sensitivity often take their parents words to heart and can become very hard on themselves as a result. Harsh or shaming parenting can compound their feelings of "wrongness" and can be harmful to their self-esteem.

Fortunately, there are parenting strategies that can help children and their parents better understand themselves and how to be highly sensitive in a world where 80% of the population isn't. Parenting techniques that are based in empathetic responding can help a child not feel "wrong" and can help create a sense of being on the same team between a parent and child. Jamie Williamson has written a beautiful little book, Understanding the Highly Sensitive Child: Seeing an Overwhelming World Through Their Eyes that can be helpful to parents who struggle to see the world through the eyes and experience of their highly sensitive children. Additionally, seeing yourself as your child's emotion coach to help them understand themselves and the world and framing challenges as learning opportunities to help a child grow instead of mis-behavior in need of punishment is incalculable in its positive impact on the child. Two of my favorite authors and researchers in brain science supporting these gentler, more peaceful parenting techniques are John Gottman, PhD, Raising an Emotionally Intelligent Child  and Daniel Siegel, MD, No-Drama Discipline: The Whole-Brain way to Calm the Chaos and Nurture your Child's Developing Mind.

Raising confident, healthy, and happy kids is the goal of every parent. Parents of highly sensitive children may need extra support in understanding this personality trait. Education is important so that they can strive to meet the needs of their highly sensitive child instead of attempting to control their behavior with the expectation that they become like their less sensitive peers. Recent brain science and research has given us insight into how to best support all children in growing in understanding of themselves and the world around them. By keeping calm, helping an overwhelmed child calm themselves, connecting in the spirit of teamwork between parent and child, responding empathically and empowering the child to grow into peaceful solutions to problems is a set of skills that can be learned and practiced.

Great parents get great support - there is help out there in your parenting journey. Jen Perry is a Licensed Professional Counselor, Parent Educator and Peaceful Parenting Coach with her practice at The Resiliency Center in Flourtown. She loves working with parents of highly sensitive children. More about Jen and her work can be found at www.HeartfulnessConsulting.com.