Trusting Your Highly Sensitive Self

by Elizabeth Venart, M.Ed., NCC, LPC

When you’re highly sensitive, you notice details and nuances others miss, deeply process all you notice, and have heightened empathy. You feel deeply — both sadness and joy — and you are remarkably tuned in to the world around you. You see the details but also understand context and big picture patterns. As a result, your intuition is often spot on. 

Unfortunately, because the majority of people are not highly sensitive, they don’t sense all you do, and they can, intentionally or unintentionally, invalidate what you know and feel. As a result, many highly sensitive people learn to mistrust themselves. 

In response to noticing this — and seeing how much Internal Family Systems (IFS) helped me and other highly sensitive people deepen self-trust, I was inspired to write, “Trusting Your Highly Sensitive Self: An Internal Family Systems Path to Healing and Wholeness.” I am excited to share that it is being published on June 1st by New Harbinger Publications. 

The book offers a compassionate roadmap for turning sensitivity from a source of struggle into a foundation for a rich, meaningful life. Weaving together insights from Internal Family Systems (IFS) therapy, illustrative stories, and engaging exercises, the book empowers you to deepen your self-awareness, build resilience, and thrive as a sensitive person.

As you unpack any negative messages about sensitivity and understand the ways you learned to protect yourself, you come home to the wholeness of your being — and the wisdom inherent in this valuable way of being.

If you are sensitive, I wrote this book for you. If you love someone who’s highly sensitive or are a therapist who supports highly sensitive people, this book offers deeper understanding.  It is currently available in print and kindle, and an audiobook version is forthcoming. On the publisher’s website, you will find free handouts from the book — including meditation scripts, illustrations, and exercises. If you sign up for the newsletter on my website, I will send you a copy of “The Journey Home,” the poem I wrote to accompany readers on the book’s journey, and you'll be the first to know when I’ve made audio recordings of the meditations available. Subscribers will also receive announcements about book reading events and book clubs that I’ll be hosting. The first one is this month -- on 6/13 at The Resiliency Center!

In closing, I’d like to share one of many favorite quotes by the poignant and powerful poet, Mary Oliver. I offer it as encouragement to any of you who feel a creative spark inside, yearning for expression. She wrote, “And that is just the point... how the world, moist and beautiful, calls to each of us to make a new and serious response. That's the big question, the one the world throws at you every morning. "Here you are, alive. Would you like to make a comment?” 

Writing the book was initially quite a formidable undertaking. It required me to set aside time for it, reflect on what felt most important to say, carefully select words, courageously share rough drafts with colleagues and friends, and commit. I wrote because I felt I had something to share and wanted to offer a gift. Perhaps you, too, have a gift to share — your writing, art, music or other expressions of your heart. The world awaits your unique offering. I will be delighted to see the beauty that pours forward. 

Elizabeth Venart, M.Ed., NCC, LPC, is the author of “Trusting Your Highly Sensitive Self: An Internal Family Systems Path to Healing and Wholeness.” Elizabeth’s private counseling practice is focused on supporting highly sensitive people, including artists and therapists, in embracing their sensitivity, cultivating greater resilience, and experiencing joy. She is a Certified IFS Therapist and IFS-I Approved Clinical Consultant, a Certified EMDR Therapist and an EMDRIA Approved Consultant, and a Trainer in IFS-Informed EMDR. She founded the Resiliency Center of Greater Philadelphia 18 years ago, as a place for community — for those seeking healing and the practitioners devoted to partnering with them in that healing. To connect with Elizabeth, please email elizabethvenart@counselingsecure.com or visit her website at https://elizabethvenart.com/.

Shadow Work

by Eileen Sheehan

Shadow work refers to any process that makes the unconscious conscious. Examples of modern shadow work practices include the work of Byron Katie (https://thework.com/), Internal Family Systems Therapy (IFS) created by Richard Schwartz (https://ifs-institute.com/), and Jungian style therapy, as well as many other exercises that allow aspects of ourselves that we are unaware of come forward into our conscious view. These practices can be done individually, in a group setting, or with a therapist, depending on the depth and difficulty.

Creative people are often more naturally inclined to reflect on their deeper parts, which fuels a significant amount of art creation in the world. Creative and artistic blocks usually result from unprocessed emotions that we've shoved into our unconscious. We can learn simple techniques for allowing and processing emotions. 

Writing in an uncensored way allows you to tap into your emotions. As you do, the block in your creative flow also clears. One exercise from Byron Katie is called the “Judge Your Neighbor” exercise in which you take a closer look at one of your complaints. For example, “I complain about ___ because ____.” Then, you are invited to turn your thoughts upside down. Maybe you’re angry at your neighbor for being inconsiderate when they make a lot of noise. When you turn it around, you ask about yourself in relationship to being inconsiderate. Turning it around invites you to get curious and go deep. Especially for writers, these exercises can also double as writing prompts for more developed characters. 

Eileen Sheehan is a frequent participant of the Philadelphia Writers Workshop at the Resiliency Center, working on her debut YA fantasy novel. She an artist and creative performance designer who has been been exploring the deep connection between creativity and spirituality in her personal work. She designed an oracle deck, The Solas Oracle, based on her own journey of healing, emotional processing, and release. She lives in Blue Bell with her husband of 16 years and two Disney-loving daughters.

Embracing Your Worst to Find Your Best

by Rachel Kobin

As children, many of us loved hating Cruella de Vil, the villain in 101 Dalmatians (the book or movie). As adults seeking a good book, movie, or TV show, we may prefer characters who are more like people we know, with a full range of positive and negative qualities. We all have flaws, or as I like to say, we are “multifaceted,” which is what makes gemstones shine. 

As much as we accept that people are complex, when we meet someone who makes us recoil, we usually do one of two things: immediately reject them, or get curious and ask, “What is it about this person that irks me?” Very often, we discover that traits we find annoying about someone else are traits we share. 

Confronted by the darker parts of ourselves, it’s easier to plow forward with our lives and tell ourselves, “At least I’m not a puppy-killer like Cruella de Vil." However, ignoring these parts of ourselves is a lot like leaving dirty dishes in the sink: soon, insects infest the sink, so now we have dishes with caked-on food and bugs. Whether we avoid these sides of ourselves using a myriad of self-sabotaging behaviors or hate ourselves for staying stuck in life, it takes a considerable toll on our lives. 

Usually, these shadows, antagonists, or parts have something to teach us. When we dare to engage with them by gently asking what purpose they serve in our lives and how we might work with them to move forward, we are more likely to embrace setbacks as stepping stones that lead us forward on our paths.  

For writers, this process can occur as an author follows the characters they're writing through to the end of the story. The author’s shadows become part of the characters, and the change the main character achieves by the end of the book parallels the kind of transformation all creatives and all people can gain important insights by examining their shadows. When a writer neglects the edgier, unpleasant sides of their characters, readers have a hard time relating to them and often remark that they found them “flat” or “unbelievable.” 

In novels, the writer knows what’s going to happen, and even the reader can skip to the end. In our lives, we don’t know what’s coming next. Our shadow parts, formed by our past, can become guides to a future that beats not being as evil as Cruella de Vil. In “Shadow Work,” a method initially developed by Carl Jung, Internal Family Systems, from Richard C. Schwartz, and many other therapeutic modalities employ a variety of gentle approaches to help us explore these shadow sides of ourselves and make them our allies. Dimensions of ourselves we once feared become portals to a life of increasing contentment, punctuated by moments of joy.

Rachel Kobin is the Founder and Director of the Philadelphia Writers Workshop [Insert link to to: https://phillywriters.com/]. Rachel began writing in the third grade when she adapted the novel Harriet the Spy by Louise Fitzhugh into a play. She went on to write poetry, a screenplay, synopses, critiques of screenplays, copy for advertising, a novel, internal and marketing communications for corporations, market research reports, and a TV pilot. Her poetry has been published in anthologies, but as a creative writing workshops facilitator, editor, and writing coach, she finds seeing other writers succeed—however they define success—even more thrilling than seeing her own writing in print. She is proud to be part of Philadelphia’s robust writers’ community. 

A Compassionate Check-In

by Allison Beer, LCSW

Internal Family Systems therapy (IFS) provides a way to connect with parts, including our inner critic, so we can understand them better. As we do, greater clarity and confidence are possible. Think of a recent moment when you were hard on yourself—maybe you felt you said the wrong thing, acted awkwardly, or made a mistake. Bring awareness to that inner critical voice and gently explore the following:

• What thoughts are coming up? About yourself? About how others may see you?
  
• What emotions do you notice? Embarrassment, anxiety, frustration?
  
• What sensations are present in your body? Tightness in your stomach? A quickened breath? Or maybe nothing at all?

Now, focus on this critical part of you. Does an image, color, or texture come to mind? If not, that’s okay too—just stay with whatever is present.

How do you feel toward this part? Do you wish it would go away? If frustration or resistance arises, acknowledge those feelings. Let them know they are seen, and if they’re willing, invite them to step back slightly.

If you notice even a small sense of openness or curiosity, extend it toward this part and ask:

• What do you want me to know?
• What are you afraid would happen if you stopped being so hard on me?
• How are you trying to help?

Listen with compassion. When you feel ready, thank this part for sharing with you. Take a few deep breaths to close.

The next time your inner critic speaks up—telling you to do more, be better, or work harder—pause. Check in with yourself and gently revisit this practice. With time, you may find that even your most critical parts are simply trying to protect you in their own way.

Allison (Allie) Beer, MSW, LCSW, is a Licensed Clinical Social Worker providing neurodiversity-affirming, trauma-informed therapy for teens and adults. Drawing from Internal Family Systems (IFS), EMDR, and mindfulness practices, she helps clients navigating anxiety, trauma, ADHD, depression, grief, and low self-esteem find healing and cultivate self-compassion. Connect with her at 215-688-5117 or allison@allisonbeerlcsw.com. Learn more at allisonbeerlcsw.com.

Befriending Our Inner Critics: A Path to Self-Compassion

by Allison Beer, LCSW

As a parent to a toddler, there are countless moments when I catch myself listening to a familiar voice in my head saying things like, "You really messed that up" or "You should have handled that differently" or even "You're not being a good mom." This voice, my inner critic, can be pretty loud, especially when I make mistakes, fall short of my values, or say the wrong thing. It’s a constant reminder of where I feel I’m falling short. 

Instead of pushing this voice away, I’ve decided to lean in, get curious, and learn more about its role in my system.

We all have parts of ourselves that push us—our inner critic, the perfectionist, the overachiever, the planner. These parts often feel like relentless forces, driving us to do more, be better, and avoid failure at all costs. It’s easy to resent them, to wish they would quiet down and let us rest. Or even, sometimes, we may wish they would go away all together. 

But what if, instead of fighting them, we got curious?

These critical parts developed for a reason. Maybe the inner critic learned to keep us safe from judgment or bullying growing up. The perfectionist may have kept us on top of schoolwork, so we would receive praise from caregivers. The planner may have ensured we stay in control, while the overachiever sought approval and worth. These parts are protective in nature, and typically they perform their roles to keep us safe or support us in getting our needs met. When we take the time to understand their roles, we can see that they’re not working against us—they’re working for us, just in ways that may no longer serve us.

By meeting these parts with curiosity rather than frustration, we shift from resistance to compassion. We can acknowledge their efforts, thank them for their work, and gently assure them that we don’t need to operate in survival mode anymore. This creates space for more balance, self-trust, and ease.

Next time you hear that inner critic or feel the pull of perfectionism, pause. Instead of pushing it away, ask: What are you trying to protect me from? You may be surprised at the wisdom it holds—and the relief that comes from listening. 

Allison (Allie) Beer, MSW, LCSW, is a Licensed Clinical Social Worker providing neurodiversity-affirming, trauma-informed therapy for teens and adults. Drawing from Internal Family Systems (IFS), EMDR, and mindfulness practices, she helps clients navigating anxiety, trauma, ADHD, depression, grief, and low self-esteem find healing and cultivate self-compassion. Connect with her at 215-688-5117 or allison@allisonbeerlcsw.com. Learn more at allisonbeerlcsw.com.

Restorative Practices in Therapy

by Drew Underwood, M.Ed.

Restorative practices aim to reduce harm, resolve conflicts, and facilitate healing. If you are thinking, “this is very similar to the goals of therapy,” then you’d be right! The non-punitive nature of the therapeutic setting makes it the perfect environment to implement restorative practices. The restorative practices in therapy combine both high empowerment and high support and are characterized by doing things with people, rather than to them or for them. There are many therapeutic models consistent with restorative justice practices. Internal Family Systems Therapy, Emotionally Focused Therapy, Narrative Therapy, and Solutions Focused Therapy are just a few. Elements of treatment such as creating a safe space, facilitating authentic connections through discussion and action, and seeking restoration are all things restorative justice and therapy have in common. You can use restorative practices clinically through affective statements, information conversations using restorative questions, using talking pieces (helpful for all levels of development/abilities), and formal restorative conferences. These can be implemented in a circle or group setting and is a great way to build community.

In education, circles and groups provide opportunities for students to share their feelings, build relationships and problem-solve, and when there is wrongdoing, to play an active role in addressing the wrong and making things right (Riestenberg, 2002). According to Restorative Solutions, a UK-based organization committed to making restorative justice more accessible to communities, the “Five R’s” of Restorative Practice, namely relationship, respect, responsibility, repair, and reintegration, have many applications. You can read more about this here: The 5 ‘R’s of Restorative Justice: Are They Always Applicable? .

For more information about how restorative practices can be used in schools, watch this video: Restorative Practices in Schools Have Power to Transform Communities or click here: School Counselor’s Role in Restorative Practices.

As therapists, we are asked to de-center ourselves and act in the best interests of our clients. Restorative practices allow us to do the same for our communities, prioritizing community-led healing regardless of the setting. In my work with clients, I found in most cases there is a genuine desire to get better. When clients experience distress, they can be bound to depressive feelings that make healing hard to do. This brings them out of touch with their humanity, with their (and others) human capacity to make mistakes. I have found extending grace to clients as foundational to reestablishing that link to their humanity. Grace helps us effectively balance acceptance and accountability with the potential to change, for example, “I’ve made a terrible mistake and it is not okay, however I do not have to spend a lifetime allowing it to define me, I can heal from this and live a happy, healthy life.” Extending grace as a therapist is important, but helping clients give grace as a gift to themselves is even more so. It allows clients to accept their humanity and become ready to embrace the potential for transformation in therapy.

Drew Underwood, M.Ed., is a Master’s level therapist who provides trauma and grief counseling and support to those experiencing anxiety, depression, and other difficulties navigating school and career challenges. He believes in the potential for radical growth and incorporates mindfulness-based approaches to provide culturally sensitive care that centers clients’ diverse experiences. He works under the supervision of Licensed Professional Counselor Jen Perry. To learn more about his work, contact him at 267-499-3970 or dunderwoodcounseling@gmail.com.
 

Restorative and Transformative Justice

by Drew Underwood, M.Ed.

“How do we hold people accountable for wrongdoing and yet at the same time remain in touch with their humanity enough to believe in their capacity to be transformed?” - bell hooks

This question that the late, great bell hooks poses is one that I have found myself asking in various ways over the last five years. When we encounter clients that have harmed others, or we ourselves find that we’ve harmed folks in our lives, feelings of embarrassment, shame, guilt, and sometimes even penance can be the result. These responses are common responses, but they seldom result in healing our relationships or whatever is left broken in us.

I committed myself personally and professionally to the human potential for radical growth and transformation. This philosophy provided a framework that empowered me to do the necessary work of unlearning punitive responses to harm, but more importantly, it gave me hope that my efforts were indeed worth it. When we experience harm, we may feel like those responsible need to be punished, but I challenge you to think deeper about what caused them to commit the harm in the first place.  What might their actions reveal about what needs to be healed within them? Restorative and Transformative Justice offers an alternative that aims to heal rather than punish.

Restorative and Transformative Justice

Restorative Justice and Transformative Justice are terms often used interchangeably, but this isn't accurate. Yes, they both provide alternatives to punitive responses to harm, but there are some important factors that distinguish them. Transformative Justice is defined as an extralegal process engaging the harm doer, the person harmed, a facilitator, and their communities in shifting communal components to address current harms and prevent future harms from occurring on a systemic level. Transformative justice exists completely outside of systems so lawyers, judges, or even therapists won't be involved. This gives communities the autonomy to facilitate their own healing! Restorative justice is an approach to harm at an individual-level, rather than a systemic level. It is a dialogue between the harm-doer, the person or party harmed, a facilitator, and their communities (such as schools), at times resulting from proceedings in the criminal legal system. Restorative justice efforts are community-led that can include the legal system but don’t necessarily have to.  They work to restore the person harmed to their previously harmed state.

Drew Underwood, M.Ed., is a Master’s level therapist who provides trauma and grief counseling and support to those experiencing anxiety, depression, and other difficulties navigating school and career challenges. He believes in the potential for radical growth and incorporates mindfulness-based approaches to provide culturally sensitive care that centers clients’ diverse experiences. He works under the supervision of Licensed Professional Counselor Jen Perry. To learn more about his work, contact him at 267-499-3970 or dunderwoodcounseling@gmail.com.

Welcoming yourself home

by Jen Perry, MSEd, MA, LPC

Hello Dear Friend and welcome to the January 2022 edition of the Resiliency Center’s monthly newsletter. I feel like I’m still trying to process 2020, and here we are in 2022! The theme for this month’s newsletter is “Welcoming Yourself Home,” a phrase that I use almost everyday to begin my own meditation and frequently as I lead meditations for my clients and the participants in my Self-Compassion Group.

Welcoming yourself home acknowledges that human beings are made up of parts, little sub-personalities if you will, and that one of the most important aspects of mental and emotional health is having a healthy relationship with these parts of ourselves. Now before I go any further let me tell you that the argument about whether humans are of one mind (or mono-minded) or multiplicitous (made up of parts) has gone on for centuries. If you are a geek like me and want to learn more, Richard Schwartz, the developer of modern parts work called Internal Family Systems (IFS) has a book entitled Many Minds, One Self that provides the history. You may also want to check out his latest book, No Bad Parts. On YouTube, you can find a number of interviews with him and a series of informative lectures.   

But more important than what ancient philosophers and modern scientists who study this have to say, I invite you to take this information in and ponder it using your own good sense. Have you ever felt more than one way about something? Ever had difficulty making a decision because you actually had two or more different opinions about what to do? Have you ever been strongly convinced of your opinion in an argument one evening and by the next morning flipped completely around wondering, “What was I thinking?” If you have Disney+, treat yourself to a short animated film called “Twenty Something” to see an artful rendition of parts. One of the major objectives in IFS is to promote harmony among our parts. The other major objective is to connect our parts to Self, the mysterious presence or soul substance that connects us all with the qualities of love, compassion, calm, creativity, and courage.

Welcoming yourself home is a process that reaches out to all the parts of ourselves with respect, warmth, and curiosity. My dear friend and Resiliency Center colleague Michael Bridges shared a beautiful metaphor with me ~ “Imagine there is a “heart room” in the center of your being ~ warm, comfortable, welcoming, nourishing ~ a judgement-free zone where your parts can be held in a gentle space of understanding.” As another dear friend, mentor, and the Director of the Resiliency Center, Elizabeth Venart, taught me: “If we can’t understand just yet, we rest patiently with confidence that our parts make sense if only they have a calm space to tell their story.”

There is not a relationship you will have in this lifetime that is more important and more longstanding than your relationship with all the different parts of you. Some parts of us are easy to love, and some are more difficult. Some have been in what’s called “the shadow” for a long time. Approaching our parts purely from intellect rarely works for long and can add to inner tension, whereas an inner sense of spaciousness and curiosity invites us to soften and open up. If you have ever tried to lecture a child until you were blue in the face, not getting anywhere at all, and yet found they melted into connection with you whenever you offered the gentleness and comfort of a hug, then you know what I mean. Author and poet Jeff Foster has a beautiful YouTube video that expresses the healing that can occur when we hold our parts with tenderness.

Thank you for spending a few minutes of your day with me ~ My wish for this month is that we both to feel welcome in ourselves and experience a moment of connection with ourselves and one another. Albeit asynchronous connection as I am writing this in early December and you are now reading this in January, but connection all the same. Perhaps when I am in my heart room and you are in your heart room, we are in the same place.

Jen Perry, MSEd, MA, LPC is a Licensed Professional Counselor, Mindfulness Teacher, and Peaceful Parenting Coach. Her passion is helping Highly Sensitive People thrive in life, love, and parenting. She has been in the field for over twenty years and is devoted to studying the human psyche or soul and is often in awe of human compassion, strength, resilience, and consciousness. She loves pondering the mysteries of the Universe. In addition to seeing clients individually, she offers classes and a self-compassion group. She also loves teaching and guiding parents of Highly Sensitive Children. Learn more about Jen and her practice.

The Difficult Work of Welcoming Our Painful Emotions

 by Michael Bridges

When I was a young man and first starting my own spiritual and therapeutic journey, I imagined that one day, after I had become enlightened and had successfully uncovered and experienced the catharsis and resolution of all my traumas that, well, it was just going to be smooth sailing the rest of my days. These days I can look back with love and appreciation on the determined young man I was, while also shaking my head with a bit of bemusement at his naiveté. While all the work I’ve done on myself has certainly led to a much calmer, compassionate and good-humored inner landscape than when I started my journey, the tribulations and at times, absolute horrors of the external world, and the occasional resurfacing of desperate and howling parts of my own psyche that I thought had been lain to rest, have  helped me once again realize the wisdom conveyed in the following poem from the great Sufi mystic and poet Rumi, as channeled through this interpretation by Coleman Barks. 

The Guest House

by Rumi

 

This being human is a guest house.

Every morning a new arrival.

 

A joy, a depression, a meanness,

some momentary awareness comes

as an unexpected visitor.

 

Welcome and entertain them all!

Even if they are a crowd of sorrows,

who violently sweep your house

empty of its furniture,

still, treat each guest honorably.

He may be clearing you out

for some new delight.

 

The dark thought, the shame, the malice.

meet them at the door laughing and invite them in.

 

Be grateful for whatever comes.

because each has been sent

as a guide from beyond.

 

Getting Unstuck

by Trudy Gregson, MS, LPC

 

I had this idea for an article about what keeps us stuck and how to become unstuck, but I kept getting stuck. For real. Would it resonate with readers? Would it be any good? Would people think I’m not good for writing a not-good article? I laughed to myself. I think I’m on to something!

 

I went for a run, my first run in quite a while. I listened to a book while I ran, my mind wandering occasionally off the narrator’s tale to my article idea and the possibility that I wouldn’t find a better idea, then to thoughts about missing the deadline, and possible ways to get out of writing it. I’d feel a little tension and then brush the thoughts away. When I got home and my breath and my heart rate gradually returned to normal, some space opened up. I grabbed a notebook and pen.

 

As I sat there in the aftereffects of my run, I got curious. What was the fear about the article? It wouldn’t be interesting or helpful. I don’t have enough to say on the topic. It won’t be up to the standards of the community for whom I’m writing.  And if any of those things are true, then what?

 

Sitting in this calm, curious state, I stayed with the fear. I set aside the words and the feelings that told me to panic and asked them to wait a few minutes so I could get to know this feeling of fear of not being good enough. I got comfortable with just sitting with it. I thought of the compassionate words of Kristin Neff, author of the book, Self-Compassion: “Everyone is imperfect.” Writing is imperfect. I’m imperfect. Feeling some compassion for my imperfection was like a weight off my shoulders. It just didn’t seem to matter as much how my article was received. It felt more important just to share it from my heart, with the intention that it might resonate with some readers, and it might help them with their own feelings of “stuckness.” And I’d meet my deadline.

 

As I settled into these feelings of compassion, my fear felt heard, cared for, understood.  It didn’t feel so pressing. There was space for the writing to happen, to unfold in its own imperfect way. I felt clarity. I will write an imperfect, possibly helpful, certainly heartfelt article. And that will be good enough.

 

One of the reasons people come to therapy is because they’re feeling stuck in some way. They so badly want something to change, but something else is holding them back. The belief is that if only they could get past that thing that’s holding them back, they could achieve their goal, get what they need, be happier. Like a car stuck in the mud, our impulse is to spin our wheels to become unstuck. But what if feeling stuck is actually an invitation, an opportunity to explore a fear that we didn’t fully realize was there?

 

I’ve noticed that the part of us that wants to move forward is usually the one that gets all the attention. That’s the one that asks a friend for advice, or makes a therapy appointment, or agitates about writing the article. So we double-down, trying to devise a strategy to solve this problem. Paradoxically, the more we double-down, the more stuck we get. Because the one with the power – the fear – is being ignored, avoided. Because it’s uncomfortable and a little scary.

 

The fear is the one who stands by, shaking its head thinking, “Try all you want, but you’re not going anywhere, because I’m afraid if we go there, you won’t be safe. And my job is to keep you safe.” It’s a basic survival instinct. And then it’s a tug-of-war between wanting something to change and the fear of what will happen if something changes.

 

We start becoming unstuck when we stop trying to push through the fear and instead, open up some space and give it some attention. Bringing some curiosity to it: “I wonder how this fear that keeps me stuck is trying to help me?” As hard as this may be to believe, its intentions are good, even if it frustrates us. So we listen.

 

There are other ways to open up space besides running. I know I’m not alone in getting some of my best ideas in the shower. Perhaps it’s the rhythm or warmth of the water, the pulsating sensation on the skin, or the absence of distractions that opens up some space in one’s mind. Some people open up space by meditating, or stroking their dog or cat, or doing any task mindfully. There’s something about being immersed in the sensory experience of a run or a walk, a shower, a pet, or even gently scrubbing soapy dishes that magically opens up some space.

 

This space provides an opening for us to bring attention and some kindness to the fear, allowing it to soften enough to tell you why it does what it does. Then the opponents in this tug-of-war can discover that they actually have the same goal, a desire to protect you from the same thing; they just have opposite ways of going about it.  When the thing they protect is healed, then they can work together to help you reach your goal instead of working against each other.

 

We’re all wired to fight, flee, or freeze in the face of fear. It takes courage to go towards the fear. So the next time you feel stuck, try noticing it as an adventure:  You’re at the beginning of discovering a fear, and if you can find even a drop of courage, you may experience feeling stuck as an exploration – and then the healing can happen.

 

Trudy Gregson, MS, LPC, is a Licensed Professional Counselor providing counseling to adults experiencing depression, anxiety, issues related to trauma, life transitions, and relationship struggles. Trudy customizes her approach according to each client’s needs, using Internal Family Systems Therapy (IFS), Mindfulness, and Cognitive Behavioral Therapy (CBT) as the foundation for their work together, helping clients to notice, bring compassion to, and find acceptance of their inner experience. To connect with Trudy, please email her at trudy@trudygregsontherapy.com or call her at 267-652-1732.

Managing Anxiety during the Pandemic

by Trudy Gregson

How do you usually manage worry or anxiety? Maybe you focus on the positives, or minimize the worry, or reassure yourself it’s not so bad - “others have it worse”.  These are all true and can be helpful, but these methods may not be working as well for you right now. We’re in uncharted territory. There is much that is unknown, and this can be very unsettling.

Often our worry or anxiety works to protect us from more vulnerable feelings of helplessness, powerlessness, or fears about safety - all valid fears, especially if we’ve had experiences in the past in which we’ve felt helpless, powerless, unsafe, and most of us have at some point.

It can be helpful just to notice whatever it is you're feeling. See if you can slow down, settle yourself with a couple deep breaths, and then return to your normal breathing and notice what you’re feeling. Name it. Notice where in your body you’re feeling it, whether it’s tension, stress, or some other discomfort - however your body holds worry or anxiety. And then breathe into it. Noticing your breath. See if you can witness the sensation connected to your worry. If it feels ok, say some soothing words to yourself:  “It’s okay to feel this way. I’m here with you.” Maybe you can have a mantra: “Breathe in love, breathe out worry”, or whatever words of comfort the worried or anxious part of you needs to hear.  You can ask it, “What do you need to hear right now?”

Your concerns are legitimate and you may find it helpful to be open to the parts of you that need attention, that need to grieve the losses that our current situation is bringing about - loss of control over certain aspects of our lives, loss of our regular routines and in-person social contact, temporary loss of our usual way of life, even loss of the secure feeling that things will be as they always have been. Bringing your attention to these feelings won’t make them go away, but you may find that by bringing your presence and compassion to them, you can create some space for them and bring about greater ease and comfort.

Meeting the Self-Critic with Compassion

by Elizabeth Venart

Even during a simple conversation between two people, the words said aloud exist on one level while simultaneously entire dialogues play out in each individual’s mind. This is why a seemingly innocent request like, “Please pass the butter,” can spark an argument. The new Pixar film, “Inside Out,” gives life to the concept that, while we have one unified self, we are made up of many parts, parts with different needs and emotions. As we face various choices in our daily lives, our parts may be in agreement or in conflict with one another. Thus the well-known term “inner conflict,” which, for example, happens when one part of us feels enthusiastic about going out to see friends but another part is exhausted and yearns to stay home and read a book.

Most people are familiar with the “Inner Critic” part within them. Some hear this critical voice occasionally, while others hear it nearly constantly. It may comment on our appearance, our performance, how productive we are being, and it can even make us second-guess everything we say in conversations with others. These negative internal messages can greatly influence how we feel and how we behave in our relationships.

Kristin Neff, a respected researcher who has been studying self-compassion for over ten years, believes strongly in the power of compassion to soften our inner critic. In her book, “Self-Compassion: Stop Beating Yourself Up and Leave Insecurity Behind,” she explores why inner communication can often be so critical and how to bring kindness to our internal dialogue. She provides a framework for self-compassion that includes being kind to ourselves, recognizing our common humanity with others, and bringing balanced awareness to our experiences.

Similarly, Internal Family Systems (IFS) therapy suggests we bring compassion and curiosity to all parts of Self, including the inner critic. In this framework, the inner critic is actually working hard to protect us, so we are invited to identify, acknowledge, and appreciate it for its hard work. The process of IFS provides a pathway for people to strengthen Self, the core or essence within each person, trusting that each individual’s Self innately possesses the qualities of calmness, compassion, creativity, confidence, courageousness, clarity, curiosity, and connection. By deepening our awareness of Self and bringing compassion and curiosity to our parts as they arise—even the inner critic—people can make unburdened choices and experience greater freedom and joy.

For most people, learning to treat all parts of Self with compassion is a process requiring patience and practice. At the time I am writing this, the Pixar film has yet to be released. For a fun introduction to the idea that we all have parts of self, why not invite a good friend to go see “Inside Out” with you. Good friends are, by definition, already experts at showing compassion for all of our parts, which makes them great partners as we learn to be equally compassionate with ourselves.

If you would like to deepen your understanding of how IFS can support you in communicating compassionately with yourself, you may want to watch this video [https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=aPx04ZWnkR4] or check out the Internal Family Systems website at selfleadership.org. You can also learn more by contacting me directly. In addition to being the Director of The Resiliency Center, I am a Licensed Professional Counselor who integrates mindfulness, EMDR, and Internal Family Systems into my work with individuals and couples. I love partnering with people to cultivate greater compassion and joy. Learn more at elizabethvenart.com or by contacting me at 215-233-2002 or elizabeth@elizabethvenart.com.