The Role of Ritual

by Lisa Grant-Feeley, MS, LPC

 

As time appears to be paused and everyday feels like Blursday, it is becoming more and more difficult for us to give structure and meaning to our days, weeks, and months. As we spend increasingly more time with our families and less time out in the world, the routines and rituals of coming and going that signaled the start and finish of activities throughout the day have faded. The act of leaving and rejoining family or our pets or commuting to and from our work provided structure and created a rhythm to our day. Before the pandemic, getting up in the morning meant the start of a specific day with specific things to do and included interacting with others in a real “in person, in the same room, within reach” sort of way that we didn’t even know we could miss. 

 

All of these things naturally created rituals throughout our lives. We might not have thoughts of them as rituals, necessarily, but they were. Stopping for coffee and chatting with our favorite barista (or others who are waiting for their coffee), is a ritual that signals the start of the day and provides connection. Going into your workplace and working beside co-workers is a ritual that provides community and purpose. Coming home from work, greeting your family, and changing into comfortable clothes is a ritual that signals the end of the work day and provides safety and belonging. Making a big breakfast and sitting with family on the weekend is a ritual that signals it’s time to slow down, rest and enjoy being together. As Erika Keswin explains in her book, Rituals Road Maps, rituals ground us and provide a psychological sense of safety through connection, purpose and belonging.

 

By getting in touch with your most essential values, you can create rituals that can provide a higher level of meaning in various aspects of your day. For example, if you value nature, you can create a ritual of bundling up at the start or end of the workday, stepping outside for five minutes to look at the sky, and taking a few deep breaths as you listen for birds singing. If you value nourishing time alone, you can create a 20-minute bathing ritual at the end of the day - lighting a candle, playing some spa music on your phone, and using a body wash that appeals to your sense of smell and touch. If work feels like it’s overwhelming, you can set an alarm at the top of every hour and do a 2-minute rest and rejuvenate ritual where you walk away from the computer and stretch, breathe, and drink some water infused with mint, lemon, or basil. 

 

The trick with rituals is to be fully absorbed in them, totally focused on the purpose and value. Instead of allowing your mind to stay on a stressful assignment while you attempt to rest and rejuvenate, ritual invites you to be fully aware, to commit to this time and really feel your breath, connect with your body as you stretch, and to taste the life-nourishing water you are providing your body. It is by being totally present in the moment that your ritual has the power to release stress and increase the feel-good hormones in your body and mind.

 

Two of my favorite daily rituals involve how I begin and end my day. I set an intention for the day either by taking a few deep breaths first thing in the morning when I wake up or as I sit quietly with my morning coffee. This intention is always value-based and preferably in touch with what I feel will be life-enhancing. The other is to end the day with gratitude for some thing or things that happened during the day for which I am grateful. Maybe it’s a conversation with a family member or friend, the walk I took, or the dinner I cooked and shared with my husband. 

 

I’ve included a link to some core values for work and life. Feel free to take a look, consider what you value and explore how you can create rituals for your days, weeks or months to add meaning and value-based structure to your life. Hopefully this will make the coming months, as we continue to navigate the effects of the pandemic, a bit easier to manage. 

 

Lisa Grant-Feeley, MS, LPC works with individuals and with children and teens in the context of their families. She specializes in working with individuals with ADHD and related behaviors, including anxiety and depression.  She is dedicated to helping families work to create peace in their homes by working with all members of the family.  To connect with Lisa, please call 267-625-2565 or visit her website lisagrantfeeleytherapy.com.  

 

Managing Anxiety during the Pandemic

by Trudy Gregson

How do you usually manage worry or anxiety? Maybe you focus on the positives, or minimize the worry, or reassure yourself it’s not so bad - “others have it worse”.  These are all true and can be helpful, but these methods may not be working as well for you right now. We’re in uncharted territory. There is much that is unknown, and this can be very unsettling.

Often our worry or anxiety works to protect us from more vulnerable feelings of helplessness, powerlessness, or fears about safety - all valid fears, especially if we’ve had experiences in the past in which we’ve felt helpless, powerless, unsafe, and most of us have at some point.

It can be helpful just to notice whatever it is you're feeling. See if you can slow down, settle yourself with a couple deep breaths, and then return to your normal breathing and notice what you’re feeling. Name it. Notice where in your body you’re feeling it, whether it’s tension, stress, or some other discomfort - however your body holds worry or anxiety. And then breathe into it. Noticing your breath. See if you can witness the sensation connected to your worry. If it feels ok, say some soothing words to yourself:  “It’s okay to feel this way. I’m here with you.” Maybe you can have a mantra: “Breathe in love, breathe out worry”, or whatever words of comfort the worried or anxious part of you needs to hear.  You can ask it, “What do you need to hear right now?”

Your concerns are legitimate and you may find it helpful to be open to the parts of you that need attention, that need to grieve the losses that our current situation is bringing about - loss of control over certain aspects of our lives, loss of our regular routines and in-person social contact, temporary loss of our usual way of life, even loss of the secure feeling that things will be as they always have been. Bringing your attention to these feelings won’t make them go away, but you may find that by bringing your presence and compassion to them, you can create some space for them and bring about greater ease and comfort.

Keeping the New Year Kind: Embracing Who You Are While Supporting Your Growth

by Jen Perry

Ahhhhh, that time of year again. January. New Year. New (or old or recycled) Year Resolutions. Isn’t it funny how right in the season of over-doing, over-extending, and over-indulging we throw in resolutions to resolve to do things differently? Instead of scoffing at the ridiculousness of this observation I wonder if we can use it as an invitation to wonder and be thoughtful about it? Perhaps there is a wise message in here after all. I’d like to invite you, Dear Reader, to close your eyes for a moment with me. Breathe and get kind and curious about this yearly cycle we seem to collectively join in or outright reject. Allow yourself to wonder about it for a minute and get curious about what arises for you in that vast field of openness. Just wonder …. And if you want to, jot down any thoughts, feelings, images or sensations that arise as you allow yourself to wonder ….

What came to me first in this exercise was an image of two people in a boat. If one leans all the way to one side, the other needs to lean equally in its opposite in order not to tip over. I think our systems operate with a similar wisdom. Balance. In many cases the balancing of extremes. All or nothing, black and white, to change something about ourselves or not. There is another element to balance of course. There is a similar movement in my second image, a see-saw. In the middle, a fulcrum. A fulcrum is defined as a “thing that plays a central or essential role in an activity, event, or situation; to prop up or support.” It is also a handy tool for lifting or achieving something that seems large or impossible without its support.

Over and over again in my work in the world, I find that this balance is so very important. Whenever we set out wanting meaningful change in any way in our life, it is so much easier to achieve when we have a fulcrum of support. Metaphorically speaking, when the things we want to change are things about ourselves and our habits, a fulcrum of self-compassion and appreciation for ourselves as we are before the desired change is a powerful fulcrum of support to achieve such change. One of my favorite quotes is: Once nothing has to change, suddenly everything can. I thought this was from Alan Watts but a quick google search did not yield any results. If you know where this quote comes from, will you reach out and let me know? And as you make your new year resolutions, or even if you don’t, I wish for all of us this fulcrum of self-compassion and support at this time of the new year and always.

Jen Perry, MSEd, MA, LPC has been a psychotherapist for over 18 years. She specializes in helping highly sensitive people thrive in love, work, and parenting highly sensitive children. Jen is passionate about using mindfulness and compassion-based approaches to ameliorate human suffering. She can be reached at jen@heartfulnessconsulting.com  or 215-292-5056. Learn more at www.heartfulnessconsulting.com.