Reflection

by Jeff Katowitz, LMFT

Life can only be understood backwards; but it must be lived forwards.
― Søren Kierkegaard

Driving up through upstate New York, it is an all too familiar routine over the course of the last three years. Wait…my son is a junior in college? It can’t be. What is going on? Last week, I accompanied my younger son on a flight out west as he narrows in on – with great anticipation – his university of choice.  Let’s backtrack for a moment – I’m not sure I can wrap my head around all of these moving parts. These thoughts seem to be racing endlessly. How is it that at one moment I can be examining and collaborating with my son on a potential pathway, choosing institutions to study and explore and prepare for “real” life (whatever that means) and then, in a seeming blink, we are here?

I load up a Uhaul trailer, packing what I calculate to be twice as much stuff as what I lugged back and forth in my college days. And I thought I had a lot. It is winter. My son is ready to travel and study abroad for the spring semester. I can remember in my high school and college days pondering what it would be like to be carried away to some foreign land. No – too scary for me back then. I wanted to remain on campus and maintain my commitment to my familiar routines; that’s just what felt right.  

I keep thinking about time and drawing comparisons between my life in my early twenties and what lies ahead for my sons. So many moments, achievements, heartbreaks, fears, and anticipations. Round and around and around I go: I did this, he’s doing that, how interesting, exciting. Brings a grin to my face, time and time again. I am finding myself discussing with my family, clients and sometimes acquaintances this movement through time and space, but it is more about looking back and reflecting.

Reflecting really sets into motion a thought process and taps into a well of curiosity. I am aware of times in the past when I may have gotten lost in the regret trap – the “should have”, “would have,” “could have,” “I haven’t.” Fortunately for me lately, I don’t find myself trapped anywhere near regret. Instead, I am energized and moved by the experience of what I’d have to call amazement.

My amazement springs from the wide-angle lens I have now on my life, a vantage point that only decades of life can bring. From this perspective, I can examine what is in my immediate purview and from there introduce curiosity about the wider context, the patterns and sequences. Life becomes a puzzle through this lens. Life is always taking shape but also evolving into new happenings and adventures – consisting of random people, places, events, and choices that led us here. And the new experiences and choices that will lead us an unknown there in the future.

The rate of events that come and go like scenes in a play are read at a very high pace. It’s hard to digest – significant experiences come and go so rapidly that I am trying to catch my breath. But I am not pushing against it; rather, I am speechless and almost awestruck. The passing of time never felt this way when I was in my youth; then, it felt more like a looking forward to the next chapter. Now I am hoping the next chapters are read slower, so I can really capture the essence of what was just experienced.

I imagine, for some people, the process of reflection may trigger sadness or a cycle of regret and emotions surrounding choices that they have made. I empathize with this group and the experience of pain that can arise. As we embark on a new year, I invite you to consider a process of reflection with openness and curiosity (rather than an old pattern of sadness or regret). Consider the question, “How did my journey lead me to this moment?” And then join me in anticipating with great interest and awareness the “What is next?” of life.

Jeff Katowitz, LMFT has been practicing marriage and family therapy for over 26 years. His specialties include helping families in transition (i.e. separation and divorce, grief and loss, blended families, raising children on the spectrum and those with special needs). He has been practicing at the Resiliency Center since 2008. Jeff can be contacted at JeffKatowitzlmft@gmail.com or directly at (215) 307-0055.

"Time In"

by Barbra Danin, LMFT, Clinical Art Therapist

When my kids become wild and unruly, I use a nice, safe playpen. When they're finished, I climb out. – by Erma Bombeck

As parents, we have a mission to raise our children be independent, strong responsible and resilient.  In order for children to be successful and happy, they require tools to assist them in achieving their hopes and dreams.  Many parents find that they cannot fall back on the child rearing strategies they learned from their parents.  Children’s issues, needs, and understanding of themselves are different today, and they require different parenting approaches.

Ongoing positive encounters and meaningful communication between parents and children are some of the most effective means of building trusting relationships.  While limits and consequences are helpful for many children in order to help them learn to function in the world, for many children those strategies are ineffective, because children’s negative behaviors have emotional underpinnings. When a child is upset (or most of us, for that matter), the emotional part of the brain takes over, blocking the ability to think clearly.  When a child is acting out, they are incapable of thinking clearly and logically.  Often consequences, imparted when children are upset, are experienced as punishment, which makes them feel more upset. This can cause an escalation of the negative behavior. Conventional wisdom has touted “Time Out” as one of the most effective and necessary strategies for disciplining children.  When a child is sent away, however, many feel rejected and ashamed, leading to an escalation of their negative behavior.  The child often feels rejected and misunderstood.  Additionally, many children forget why they have been sent to “time out”, and are left with confusion and resentment.  These feelings all impact the child’s self-esteem, and the consequence fails to achieve the intended goal. 

While it is important to confront negative behavior immediately when it occurs, for many, a more effective way to do so is with “Time In”.  Rather than sending the child away, the focus of “Time In” is connecting with the child to help them calm down and then gain an understanding of their feelings and behaviors.  During a “Time In” the child and parent sit together, while the parent offers support and understanding, and helps the child to self soothe.  Many worry that “Time In” strategies reinforce the negative behavior; however, the goal of “Time In” is to simply help the child calm down, so that they can think more clearly. After the child has calmed down and can be rational, a productive discussion of what occurred can be effective.  Appropriate consequences can then help teach the child valuable lessons.

Barbra Danin, LMFT, incorporates Art Therapy & EMDR in treating children as young as 3, and keeps parents very involved in the process.  “As children’s brains are still forming, they quickly absorb the tools and interventions offered with Art Therapy & EMDR.”   Barbra can be reached at: bdanin@barbradanin.com or (314) 477-8585. Learn more at www.barbradanin.com  

Youthfully Aging

by Jeff Katowitz, LMFT

You are about to turn fifty. Think about it – five decades. Where has the time gone? Do you feel satisfied with what you have accomplished or do you feel somewhat stuck and living in constant regret. Some of you may have children who are now just beginning a new chapter in life – going off to college or entering the workforce. Some of you started your families later and have younger children or adolescents with a few years remaining in high school. Some of you may not have children but experience a similar pressure of aging – beginning to think about the time left and how to invest your energies wisely.  Common thoughts and questions entering our minds may include:

·      “How do I want to spend the time remaining to really enjoy life?”

·      “I need to invest more energy towards my health so I can continue doing what I love.”

·      “I’d like to see things, visit places, be spontaneous and active.”

·      “I’ve been doing the same work for so long. Maybe I’d like to expand or change careers.”

·      “I’d like make sure that I focus my energies in the later part of my life on reconnecting with people I feel disconnected from.”

Sound familiar? While each of us has a different story, we are all faced with the concept of time and aging. It is important to examine things we’d like to do – if we have the ability and our situation lends itself to contemplating how the “next chapter” may look.

As I approach turning fifty this month, I look at my own situation and feel blessed. I have two sons who are developing beautifully and who no longer need me in the same way. I am married to an amazing, creative woman – a true partner in life expanding in her own new and exciting ways. I have a very loving and supportive extended family.  I am surrounded by terrific and exceptional colleagues in my work environment.

Despite my satisfaction, as I inch closer to fifty, I find myself considering the question: “What is important for me to nurture, grow and expand?” I think what is most exciting about asking all of these questions is that, if we allow ourselves to venture back to our memories involving simple activities and events, the newness of life and what it has to offer - this is our youth.

Now we can’t be nine years old playing with our favorite new toy. But what we can do is think about opportunity and expansion at the age of fifty. This can actually be very similar to the lens through which a nine year old sees the future. Do you remember saying things like “When I grow up, I’m going to be a………” or “When I get older, I want to be like……… or have……….”?  Do you remember feelings of excitement and anticipation, a sense of the future as vast and endless?

We have the opportunity to answer these same statements at fifty. For example, “When I turn fifty, I would like to start moving in a different direction. I’d like to be more creative. I’d like to have more friends. I’d like to travel more and see the world.”

Turning fifty does not have to represent aging through the lens of “I’m getting old” but can instead be a marker of time reminding us to think about our goals, passions, interests, and the experiences and adventures we would still like to have. To all those entering into your fifties, I celebrate with you and hope you are able to embrace life in ways that are exciting, engaging in events and activities that fill you with joy.

Here is a reflection process to guide you:

Step one: Sit quietly in a peaceful space for a few minutes and think about an idea, perhaps visualize an event, place, or opportunity and activity that feels good when you think about it.

Step two:  Create some type of movement that places you closer to the direction of your thoughts (ie. sharing this idea with others, developing and plan and writing it down, engaging in an activity that moves you closer to the vision(s)).

Step three: Repeat steps one and two over and over again. Good luck!

Jeffrey Katowitz, LMFT, AAMFT, is a Licensed Marriage and Family Therapist.

His areas of specialty include divorce and separation, blended family issues, adoption, adolescent development and transitions, grief and loss, and managing and working through traumatic life events.  Jeff’s goal is to provide a safe a nurturing environment for the individual and family system to feel more readily able to access the strength to overcome difficult transitions and events in their lives. Contact him at jpkatowitz@verizon.net and 215-307-0055.

Acceptance

by Jeff Katowitz, LMFT, BSL

Acceptance tends to provide us with a map or path towards comfort and better health. Often times, what is on the other side of an uncomfortable event allows us to have a deeper and clearer understanding of what is ultimately important and valuable. As we begin a new year, there is a tendency to reflect back and evaluate what transpired during the previous year. We also examine and look forward to a new year, hoping to accomplish a series of goals, attend events and generally feel a sense of hope. We seek a “fresh start” or a new beginning. With great anticipation and yearning, we hope that our planning will yield experiences filling us with joy and satisfaction.

               

For many us, however, the previous year may not have been favorable. We may have experienced events or made poor decisions that leave us burdened with regret. To further our discomfort, we may focus on the new year with trepidation, anticipating that familiar negative experiences will resurface. There may be situations looming that we cannot avoid and therefore a “clean slate” outlook is diminished by what is on the horizon.

              

What if we were to simply say to ourselves “whatever the situation - we will deal with it”? Sometimes what we are facing is simply too stressful, and we become consumed by the thought of struggling in the future.  Though a new year is likely to include events that are stressful (and this is highly likely), we will also be in situations that bring us joy and a high level of energy. Acceptance allows us to embrace what is right in front of us – the situation at hand – as we look at it and experience the situation for what it is.

Time and time again people will say that once they dealt with an undesirable situation, they felt “lighter,” “better” and an overall sense of relief. The definition of “acceptance” in the dictionary says “an action of consenting to receive or undertake something offered.” We should look more closely at this definition and focus on the words “receive” and “offered”. Perhaps we can view the process of acceptance as “receiving an offering” free from judgment. This will then assist us in viewing undesirable situations as valuable information – as they provide us with a choice to see the experience in itself as containing substance and value. It is interesting to examine how, while most of us may feel burdened by having to confront and accept a particular circumstance, we may rather begin appreciating a process that ultimately can yield a positive outcome or, at a minimum, lead to growth.

                  Let us look ahead to the New Year through this lens of choice and possibility. Situations will arise that challenge us – and each presents us with an opportunity to set down our lens of burden and despair and instead pick up a new lens that invites growth, creation, and expansion.

Jeff Katowitz, LMFT, BSL is a licensed marriage and family therapist with his practice at The Resiliency Center in Flourtown. Jeff specializes in helping family systems in transition such as separation and divorce, blended families, and families with children and teens with diagnosed with autism. For more information on Jeff Katowitz, please call (215) 307-0055 or email jpkatowitz@verizon.net.

LGBTQ Support during the Holiday Season

by Stacey Vinci

The holiday season can hold high expectations for love, laughter, joy, celebration, and connection among friends and family. However for some (or many) of us, the holiday season can also bring up pain, discomfort, stress, family tension and conflict, and feelings of depression and anxiety. With this mix of expectations and real experiences, the holidays can require a significant amount of energy and can result in some serious introspection as we process all of the personal and family issues this season can evoke. For folks in the LGBTQ community, particularly youth, there is another level of complexity. Often these teens can struggle with issues surrounding self-identity; particularly the lack of freedom and support from friends and family in expressing their true and genuine self and the extra added pressure and fear of judgement and non-acceptance from extended family. In the coming weeks, as we all begin to engage in the celebration and joy of the holiday season, let’s also keep in mind those who are struggling, especially those whose internal struggles may not always be visible on the outside. Providing support and encouragement to LGBTQ youth is especially important during this time.

Here are some quick tips for parents of LGBTQ youth:

1.     If you think your child may be experiencing issues with gender identity or sexual orientation, the most important first step is to create an open, safe, and trusting place for communication and support.

2.     Be mindful of signs that your teen is especially struggling during this holiday time:

a.     Changes in eating/sleeping patterns

b.     Withdrawal from friends/family

c.     Changes in mood/affect (sadness, anger, irritability)

3.     Put in place the professional support system that you and your child/family will need during this time. By contacting a therapist or counselor specializing in this area, you now have a built-in system of support, resources, and guidance through each step of your child’s process in achieving a positive identity and increased support, comfort and engagement throughout the holiday season.

For more information on individual/group openings or alternate resources to help support you and child through the holiday season, contact Stacey at staceymvinci@gmail.com or 267-989-9113.

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Stacey M. Vinci, M.A., LMFT is a Licensed Marriage and Family Therapist working with teens and their families struggling with anxiety, depression, and trauma-related issues. She also specializes in working with youth in the LGBTQ community, particularly teens identifying as gender non-conforming or transgender. Stacey’s weekly LGBTQ Teen Therapy Group is currently accepting new members.