Connection during COVID - by Kim Vargas

For what are you most grateful as you look back over the year and why? I am truly the most grateful for my family. I’m not sure how I could have gotten through this past year without them. Having young children provided both a distraction and an opportunity to focus on what feels most important. While the world felt totally out of control at times, and there were many feelings of helplessness with respect to that, I felt grateful to be able to focus on connecting with people that I really love. 

 

What did you take for granted this year? I’m sure there were many things that I did take for granted, but I’m not entirely sure what they were. I tried very hard to be aware and intentional about knowing how exceptional even the mundane things were this year. I was aware that none of us could take our health, our families, or our livelihood for granted in the ways that we might normally.  

 

What did this reveal to you about yourself and your presence in the world? I was surprised at how little I missed certain parts of my normal existence. While I despised the reason that we had to slow down so much, I also observed in myself some relief at not having to engage in many of the ways we are normally called upon to engage. 

 

What new hobby or old pastime did you take up or revive during this time? I remembered how much I love doing jigsaw puzzles, reading, and playing board games. 

 

Was there an unexpected joy that you experienced during this time? I reconnected on a regular basis with my college roommates, which is something I haven’t done in about 20 years. We started a group text chain with 7 of us, and I was reminded what a witty, loving, smart, warm group of people this is. I feel so lucky to have them in my life, especially on a more regular basis. 

 

What is the most important thing that they year of COVID 19 has taught you? I know this sounds trite, but it has really reminded me of what is important in my life. I haven’t spent time with my parents in over a year, and I am reminded how incredible they are, and how much I miss them every single day. It has taught me a lot about what is important, and where to focus my energy, versus what is not important but takes up a lot of my brain space. I’m hopeful that even after this crisis passes, I will be able to hold on to some of that knowledge! 

 

The intersection of Grief and Guilt

by Kim Vargas, LCSW

It is certainly not surprising that a significant amount of the therapeutic work I am currently doing with clients revolves around working on feelings of loss. The pandemic has triggered intense experiences of grief. People are grieving the loss of loved ones who have died of COVID. They are grieving deaths unrelated to COVID, but where COVID made it impossible to attend hospital stays and funerals. They are grieving the loss of jobs and schools and connections. They are grieving the loss of normalcy.

It is important to note that grief can be cumulative. In 2001, when I worked with survivors of the Pentagon terrorist attack, I was amazed by how many people talked about losses completely unrelated to recent events. I heard about lost siblings, partners, and close friends who had died years before. It turned out that the grief related to the recent event was significant in itself, but that it also provoked thoughts and feelings about previous losses. The combination sent people reeling. The same is true today. Those processing losses brought about by COVID may also be suddenly inundated by sadness and grief from earlier bereavement. If not known and understood, this can feel terrifying.

While grief alone is excruciating, many of these same people also experience guilt. For some, this guilt is a relatively small piece of the bigger picture. For others, the guilt is crushing and overwhelming, and sometimes overshadows the grief itself.

Prior to COVID’s arrival, I had already been exploring this intersection of guilt and grief in my clients’ lives. I initially found it puzzling that it was such a universal part of grief to feel guilty. I started to unpack what my clients meant when they said “I feel so bad” after a major loss. Time after time, with deeper examination, what initially appeared to be guilt was often actually another manifestation of intense grief.

Part of this comes from the notion that grief is such a confusing, disempowering feeling, that people may seek to better understand it by inserting themselves into the equation. Guilt gives us the false sense that we could have controlled something that was truly out of our control. For many people, disempowerment feels worse than almost anything else, and can be terrifying.

Often the guilt is irrational and truly has little or nothing to do with the actual loss. Sometimes it seems easier to feel guilt that to sit in the horror of the loss. Focusing on our own role in the loss also distances us from the actual loss feelings.  In the end, of course, this only serves to make us feel worse. However, we are rarely aware in the moment of this progression, and the loss and guilt sometimes meld together until it feels like we are carrying a million pounds of feelings.

I encourage my clients to deeply consider the role of guilt. Feeling guilty about something can be useful; it may make us stop a behavior, or be less likely to do the same thing in the future. But beyond guilt’s ability to inspire us to make changes, it rarely serves a purpose. For that reason, I suggest that clients consider how they can empower themselves, by first thinking through what specifically they feel badly about. When we unpack the bad feelings, what often comes to the surface is a more pure form of grief. And while that grief can be agonizing, it is imperative to the healing process to really name and understand the genuine emotion.

Kim Vargas, LCSW provides therapy to individuals, couples, and groups. Kim works with her clients to address a variety of issues, including depression, anxiety, grief, self esteem, and relationships. She also specializes in helping moms and dads to navigate postpartum issues and parenting. To learn more or schedule an appointment, contact Kim at kimvargastherapy@gmail.com or 267-568-7846.

Steps to walk yourself through grief-related guilt

by Kim Vargas, LCSW

Name the feeling. Do not allow yourself to just call it guilt without really digging deep to determine whether you believe you actually have something legitimate that you feel you did wrong. Talk to someone you trust about these feelings.

Acknowledge cumulative grief if applicable. Ask yourself whether some of the grief/guilt might be related to a previous loss. If so, be mindful of the cumulative effect of the grief.  Naming and assigning the grief to its separate roots can be helpful.

Address any legitimate guilt. If you do determine that you have done something wrong, try to find ways to make amends or plan to behave differently in the future. Remind yourself that you cannot change the past, but you can take control of the future.

Accept the sadness. Once you have acknowledged grief as the primary emotion, allow yourself to feel the sadness. Sometimes it is better to sit in the pain than to try to banish it without examination. It can be especially helpful to process these feelings with a trusted individual.

Practice self care and self compassion. Grief takes a tremendous toll on people. In order to keep functioning, it is vital to take care of yourself. In addition, having compassion for oneself makes the process easier. There may be times when the grief is crushing, and other times when it feels more manageable. Giving yourself grace during the hardest times will encourage healing.

Empower yourself. Given that part of the guilt may be a dysfunctional way to feel more in control, it is useful to find healthy ways to empower yourself. This may or may not be related to the grief itself. In some cases, finding empowerment in any realm of one’s life can be incredibly beneficial. This may mean a major life shift, but more often takes the form of something in the moment. Accomplishing a task, cleaning your house, or going out for a run are small examples that may have a large impact.

Coping with postpartum depression

by Kim Vargas, LCSW

Jessica walked into my office in a sundress with her hair and makeup done. [For the purposes of illustrating key points, a fictitious client has been created.] She smiled and spoke in a calm, warm tone. Had I not had a phone conversation with her the day before where she detailed her reasons for making the appointment, I would never have guessed that this woman was suffering deeply. To look at Jessica, you would wouldn’t have known that she was terrified to be alone with her baby; that she wasn’t sleeping at all because she was so anxious that her baby would stop breathing if he wasn’t constantly monitored; that she felt hopeless and filled with despair almost all of the time; that she sometimes wondered if her baby would be better off without her; that she spent most of the day crying as soon as her partner left for the workday. To look at Jessica, you would never have known she was in the throes of postpartum depression.

Jessica’s mother told her that she was just suffering from the baby blues, and that all new moms go through a tough stretch. Her mom told her she just needed to get out of the house more, spend time in the sun, and pull herself together. For three months after her son was born, Jessica suffered in silence, and told herself that she was a terrible mom for not feeling joyful about her new baby. She was fearful that her baby would be taken away if she revealed the truth, so she made sure to act upbeat at her six week postpartum check-up.

As it turned out, Jessica was one of the 1 in 7 women who struggle with postpartum depression.

Luckily, Jessica had a sister-in-law who had previously suffered from postpartum depression (PPD), and knew to ask Jessica important questions about her mood and coping. Had that not been the case, Jessica could easily have fallen into the 50% of women who are never diagnosed (and consequently never get help) with postpartum mood disorders.

Women suffering from untreated PPD are more likely to develop Major Depressive Disorder down the road. They may have more difficulty bonding with their baby. These moms often have lower self esteem. Their babies may experience language delays, have more difficulty with self regulation, and experience depression themselves later in childhood.

Postpartum depression is more likely to occur in parents with a baby who spends time in the NICU, parents who experience complications at birth, parents with a history of depression, parents with a high needs infant, and/or parents with a lack of social, emotion, and financial supports.

It is worth noting that it is not only biological mothers that suffer from PPD. 1 in 10 fathers experience depression in the postpartum period. Adoptive and foster parents are also at risk. Because these parents did not give birth to the child, they sometimes feel unjustified in their depression, and are therefore unlikely to mention the feelings to anyone.

The good news is that there are many wonderful options for treatment and healing. Many parents find immediate relief in working with a therapist trained in postpartum issues. These professionals can validate and normalize the thoughts and feelings, make concrete suggestions for behavioral modifications, and assist new parents in finding resources to help manage new parenthood. Sometimes just being “allowed” to say the deepest, darkest thoughts and fears in a confidential setting lifts a tremendous burden.

Many women find that talking to their doctor about their mood enables the doctor to prescribe medication that helps manage the feelings. Doctors knowledgeable in postpartum issues may be able to prescribe a medication that is compatible with breast feeding, as that is often a concern for new parents.

Support groups offer an opportunity to connect with other new parents in a safe setting filled with individuals at a similar life stage. Sometimes parents benefit from hearing someone else speak a familiar thought, feeling, or fear. Likewise, joining local baby-centric activities connects new parents to each other, and offers a structured activity outside of the house. For breastfeeding mothers, attending a breastfeeding support group and/or getting the support of a lactation consultant can be extremely beneficial in making the breastfeeding process smoother and more comfortable, physically and emotionally.

Asking for help from friends, family, and/or paid professionals, especially in the very beginning, can go a long way toward allowing the new parents to heal. Because lack of sleep is often a contributing factor to postpartum depression, having someone else wake up with the baby some of the time may improve mood quickly.

The bottom line is that there is an extraordinary amount of help, support, and resources for people suffering from postpartum issues. Because postpartum mood disorders can develop any time during pregnancy, and up to a year following the birth of a child, it is imperative to know the signs and symptoms, and to seek help immediately.

Kim Vargas, LCSW has been a psychotherapist for over 19 years. She specializes in working with individuals and couples navigating the various stages of parenthood (including the journey to become parents). She is especially passionate about working with new parents surrounding issues of postpartum depression, anxiety, and identity. Kim can be reached at kimvargastherapy@gmail.com or 267-568-7846.

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Raising Your Teen's Self-Esteem

by Katie K. May

You’re a concerned parent who has a teen with low self-esteem.

 You want your teen to feel confident enough to resist peer pressure.

 It breaks your heart to hear them make such negative comments about themselves when they look in the mirror.

 And, It’s painful to watch them fret over each blemish on their face and compare their bodies to those of their friends.

 You’re so afraid that they actually believe the critical thoughts they have about themselves and wonder how that will impact them.

 … will they give into peer pressure?

… will they make healthy choices or act impulsively to feel better in the moment?

… will today be a “good” day or a “bad” day and how will you manage the emotional roller coaster?

 If you’ve been telling your teen that they’re perfect and pouring on the compliments, you know that this just doesn’t work to change how your teen feels on the INSIDE.  What’s more, it may backfire and make them feel even worse. 

 Learn how to help your teen improve their self-esteem by focusing on the strengths that they already have!  Try my top three techniques for improving teen self-esteem here:

Help your teen do something that makes them feel confident each day.  Maybe this means playing a sport, but maybe it means reading a book.  Tune in to what your child’s strengths are and then encourage them to partake in activities that highlight these strengths.  In this way, your teens are gaining the experience of feeling confident in some way each day.

Help your teen reflect on what went well in each day.  Often times we ruminate on what went wrong and play it over and over again in our minds.  When you can help your teen begin to see what they are doing right in a day, it can rewrite that story.  What’s more, when you help them see how their specific actions helped to create these positive experience, it empowers them to continue to make positive choices that improve self-esteem.

Focus on the process and not the outcome.  Be mindful of how you talk to your teen about success and begin to really listen to how they talk about themselves in front of you.  Challenge any thoughts that are uttered aloud like, “I’m a mess” or “I can’t do it.”  Help them see that while they may not be able to meet a bigger goal YET, that when broken down into smaller steps while highlighting the progress, that they are capable of getting to where they want to be.

And, because it takes a village to support a family, try these tips from other amazing and skilled therapists in our community…

As a play therapist and creative counselor for teens, Elizabeth Campbell recommends finding the balance between independence and support to help build self-esteem.  "Adolescence is a time when teens are developing both independence and their concept of their identity, so it is very important for parents to support these in healthy ways! One option is for parents to recognize and reflect character qualities of their child rather than achievement," she says, "Another way is to toe the line of granting kids space to figure things out on their own while still maintaining appropriate boundaries. This helps teens to achieve a sense of self-efficacy in their efforts."

Jen Perry, therapist and Peaceful Parenting coach and shares her top tip for parents to, "Begin teaching their teen (and themselves!) about the connection between our basic human needs and our emotions. Negative emotions most often arise from basic needs for health, connection, and meaning not getting met. A sense of self-mastery and self-esteem naturally arises when we can train ourselves to identify the unmet need, meet the negative emotion with self-compassion and empathy, and take concrete steps to get the need met. This life skill can also be applied to relationships with others which can help teens begin to take things less personally in relationships and become skillful in helping others meet their needs as well. “Helping your teen look inward and be more aware of what they need in the moment, as well as joining with them to communicate this need can improve self-esteem and the parent child relationship.  

Finally, Clinical Social Worker, Kim Vargas reminds parents to point out the positives each day. "Self doubt and difficulty seeing positive aspects of self are hallmarks of the teen years. As a parent, you are in the unique position to boost your child's self esteem by being the storehouse of their positive traits and actions. At least once each day, try to point out a positive trait your teenager has, and a specific behavior you observed that day to support the trait. For example, mention to your teen that she has always been a generous person, and then note how she offered to come over to help her grandma fix her email problems."  By sharing what's going well, you can help your teen accumulate self-esteem day by day.

Self Esteem: Rethinking How We View Ourselves

by Kim Vargas, LCSW

The way that we feel about ourselves drives most parts of our existence. It determines who our friends are, the jobs we choose, the way we parent, and the life experiences we allow ourselves to have. And it turns out that it is actually our perception of self, and not factual information about self, that is the real driver of how we feel. In other words, research shows that what we say to ourselves about our actions and accomplishments determines how we feel about those actions and accomplishments.

In 1953, DW Winnicott, a well-known pediatrician and psychoanalyst, posited the theory that there is a “good enough mother”. He explained this type of mother as someone who is consistently meeting the basic needs of her baby, and is providing a loving and nurturing environment. However, he is clear that this mother is far from perfect; she has anger, ambivalence, and exhaustion in addition to the positive engagement with her baby. Thus, if a mother judges herself on being a “perfect” mom, she will constantly feel that she is failing. If, however, she is able to recognize that her parenting is “good enough” for her child to thrive, she can frequently feel successful as a mother.

I work with a lot of new moms, and I absolutely love this concept of the good enough mother. I began to ask myself whether this same thinking might apply to other life issues. It seemed like if people could define what was truly good enough, and then give themselves permission to meet that expectation, there might be much more room for success, leading to an overall increase in self esteem. I started to ask clients to try out the idea of being “good enough” rather than perfect, with respect to their roles as spouse, adult child, employee, friend, and homemaker.

Almost without exception, clients are initially loath to consider the concept of “good enough”.  At the outset, people hear this as an invitation to mediocrity and settling for less. I am quick to explain that “good enough” does not mean striving for a substandard level of accomplishment – it means setting realistic expectations of self in any given situation, on any given day, and striving to meet those particular expectations. In addition, “good enough” may change depending on the day or situation. As people try out this notion of “good enough”, they generally find they are sending themselves increasingly positive messages about their actions and behaviors. In other words, their perception of self in a particular situation is positive if they are truly able to meet their own realistic goals. These experiences of perceiving self differently can contribute to a rise in self worth.

There are two tricks to making “good enough” truly good enough. The first is to give yourself actual permission to do something in a different way than you might ordinarily plan to do it. The second is to speak to yourself positively and kindly after the fact, rewarding the accomplishments.

For example, let’s say you’ve made it a goal to exercise 4 times per week. In the upcoming week, you have several projects due at work, and many family commitments. You might decide that “good enough” means that you will only exercise two times, or that you’ll exercise all four times, but for a much shorter than normal amount of time. Either way, “good enough” is different that week than it might be last week or next week. However, exercising two times will only actually be good enough if you tell yourself in advance that it is really okay, and if you give yourself positive feedback for your accomplishment afterwards.

The idea of “good enough” can feel complicated and may take some experimentation to determine what is truly good enough for you in a given situation. But I challenge you – consider giving yourself permission today to be good enough at something, rather than perfect.

Kimberly Vargas, LCSW is a psychotherapist working with adults and teens who want to address self esteem, anger, depression (including postpartum issues), and anxiety. She can be reached at 267-568-7846 or kimvargastherapy@gmail.com.

The Anger of Unmet Needs

by Kim Vargas, LCSW

Why does a particular situation bring up anger for one person, and a laugh for someone else? Why is it that some people respond to the words of others with fury, and others can just shrug it off? The answer is two-fold: Each person has different perceptions of any given situation, based on his/her own history, background, and upbringing. In addition, each individual has unique needs that must be met in order for that person to operate optimally. When perception combines with each individual’s needs, interpretations of a situation differ, leading to very different reactions.

When a person perceives that his/her needs remain unmet, feelings of anxiety, loneliness, fear, sadness, and shame develop. Unfortunately, we are not always aware of these underlying feelings, known as the “primary emotions”.  Instead, the conscious manifestation of unmet needs is often a feeling of anger, which is actually the secondary emotion. To visualize this idea of primary and secondary emotions, picture an iceberg with only anger peeking out at the top.  The anger is the tip of the iceberg, and it’s often all that we see. However, this is only a small part of the entire iceberg. The rest of the iceberg, which consists of the primary emotions, lies beneath the surface and is often more difficult to see.  Once primary emotions are identified, unmet needs become evident.  

In 1943, Abraham Maslow proposed a hierarchy of needs that starts with the basic physiological necessities including food, water, shelter, and clothing, and goes on to include the needs for safety, love and belonging, esteem, and self-actualization. 

When any of these needs remain unmet, two things may happen.  The first is that we are generally at higher risk to feel anger.  For example, if our need for food and sleep is currently unmet, our coping mechanisms may diminish in that moment. The second result is that long-term unmet needs lower our anger threshold and make us more prone to angry feelings and behaviors. For example, a person who lives in an emotionally and physically unsafe environment suffers from many primary emotions, including fear, loneliness, and anxiety.  As a result, that person experiences important unmet needs on a daily basis. These needs for safety, companionship, and lowered stress frequently manifest as a shortened fuse and quick anger.

There is some great news in all of this: When used to its best advantage, anger feelings are an excellent warning mechanism alerting us to the fact that a need is not being met, a primary emotion needs attention, and action is required to remedy the situation.  Once we grasp the true root of the anger, it is easier to address the actual cause rather than just responding to what appears on the surface. Understanding your needs in any situation increases the likelihood of a productive, rather than destructive, response.

The Vital Importance of Our Female Friendships by Kim Vargas

Four years ago, in an effort to provide stimulating and educational experiences for my infant son, I signed us up for a baby music class.  While we still play the music from that class, the real value came from the friendships we developed with another mom and her baby.  Four years later, that mom and I regularly laugh, vent, and advise each other.  But most importantly, I feel that she can relate to where I am in my life right now.

In the last several years, there has been a great deal of research that supports the fact that women not only want close relationships with other women; they actually need them.  Women with strong friendships report increased satisfaction in many areas of their lives.  Studies show that women with close female friendships are significantly more physically healthy, and in research on cancer, women with close female friends survived twice as often as those without close friends.

Unfortunately, today’s society as a whole fails to put a premium on friendships and connectedness.   People are more likely to work long hours and to move farther away from high school or college friends.  As a result, a common lament among women is a feeling of isolation and lack of close, intimate connections with other women.

This becomes especially true as women transition into motherhood.  Gone are the nights of meeting friends after work, or a Saturday morning coffee date.  As the identity of motherhood emerges, new and often unexpected thoughts and feelings come up.  Lack of sleep, anxiety, fears, excitement, feeling like you’re on a rollercoaster - all of these things (and many more) can feel wonderful to share with other like-minded women.  Hearing someone else put words to the thoughts in your head can feel unbelievably validating.  Likewise, the ability to vent feelings to a nurturing audience is another major benefit of close female friendships.

Unfortunately, new moms often find themselves at a loss for how to go about connecting.  Daily activities at home and caring for a new baby can feel consuming.  Sometimes, just leaving the house can create the opportunity to engage with other women.   No matter where you go - the grocery store, the park, a coffee shop, a walk around the neighborhood - the odds of meeting someone dramatically increase the moment you walk out your front door.  Other great places to start new friendships include infant music classes, library story times geared for babies, playgrounds, and indoor play-cafes.

For many women, a structured group for new moms can be extremely beneficial.  Moms who attend these groups report that the women they met in these groups are still some of their closest friends 10 years later.  Unlike informal gatherings, a support group for new mothers provides an opportunity to see the same women several weeks in a row.  These groups are facilitated by trained professionals who help direct conversation to themes common to most new mothers. 

Regardless of whether you choose a structured or unstructured way to connect with other women, it is clear that female friendships are much more than a luxury at every stage of life.  These friendships sustain us, strengthen us, and promote emotional and physical well-being.

Kim Katz Vargas, Licensed Clinical Social Worker, is a psychotherapist at the Resiliency Center.  She works with individuals and couples, as well as co-facilitating the New Moms Group, a local support group for mothers of pre-crawling babies.  Please contact Kim at kimvargastherapy@gmail.com or 267-568-7846 for additional information about her counseling or group services, or to register for an upcoming group.