Holding it All Together

by Carolyn Abele, MS, LPC

In therapy spaces, we talk about “holding it all together” as thought it’s a fixed state—calm, regulated, and ideally achievable daily.  But in real life (and work), holding it all together usually looks a bit different.  Some days flow like graceful ballet.  Other days, it looks like 4 cups of coffee, several password resets and lots of “it’s fine” thoughts running wild.  

Holding it all together looks like showing up for family, co-workers, clients and friends.  All while you tick tasks off your to-do list with timely precision.  “No sweat!”  It looks like being present, attuned, and thoughtful—even on days when energy is low and the calendar is full.

Holding it all together doesn’t mean feeling perfectly regulated at all times.  It means noticing when things feel stretched and responding with skill, care and flexibility.  It’s showing up when you want to roll on the floor and have a good old-fashioned tantrum.  It’s knowing which parts of your life are stable enough to lean on while others wobble.

Today could feel like a delicate balancing act held together by duct tape and prayers, yet, you are not failing.  You are functioning.  You are adapting.  You are holding it all together, and getting things done. 

Consider a gentle self-care pause.  Take a second between tasks and check in with yourself:

• What feels most “held together” right now?
• What feels like it could use some support?
• What is one small, realistic thing you could offer yourself today—something that fits within this specific day?

No fixing required, just noticing the positive.

So, if this week feels full, heavy, chaotic, held together with extra effort, know that this is not a failure.  Tomorrow you may be able to hold it all together, with a little less duct tape.

Carolyn Abele, MS, LPC works individually with adolescents through adults.  She specializes in working with individuals with anxiety and depression, trauma, self-esteem, as well as helping adolescents and their families with behavior related challenges. To connect with Carolyn, please visit her website at carolynabeletherapy.com.

Befriending Our Inner Critics: A Path to Self-Compassion

by Allison Beer, LCSW

As a parent to a toddler, there are countless moments when I catch myself listening to a familiar voice in my head saying things like, "You really messed that up" or "You should have handled that differently" or even "You're not being a good mom." This voice, my inner critic, can be pretty loud, especially when I make mistakes, fall short of my values, or say the wrong thing. It’s a constant reminder of where I feel I’m falling short. 

Instead of pushing this voice away, I’ve decided to lean in, get curious, and learn more about its role in my system.

We all have parts of ourselves that push us—our inner critic, the perfectionist, the overachiever, the planner. These parts often feel like relentless forces, driving us to do more, be better, and avoid failure at all costs. It’s easy to resent them, to wish they would quiet down and let us rest. Or even, sometimes, we may wish they would go away all together. 

But what if, instead of fighting them, we got curious?

These critical parts developed for a reason. Maybe the inner critic learned to keep us safe from judgment or bullying growing up. The perfectionist may have kept us on top of schoolwork, so we would receive praise from caregivers. The planner may have ensured we stay in control, while the overachiever sought approval and worth. These parts are protective in nature, and typically they perform their roles to keep us safe or support us in getting our needs met. When we take the time to understand their roles, we can see that they’re not working against us—they’re working for us, just in ways that may no longer serve us.

By meeting these parts with curiosity rather than frustration, we shift from resistance to compassion. We can acknowledge their efforts, thank them for their work, and gently assure them that we don’t need to operate in survival mode anymore. This creates space for more balance, self-trust, and ease.

Next time you hear that inner critic or feel the pull of perfectionism, pause. Instead of pushing it away, ask: What are you trying to protect me from? You may be surprised at the wisdom it holds—and the relief that comes from listening. 

Allison (Allie) Beer, MSW, LCSW, is a Licensed Clinical Social Worker providing neurodiversity-affirming, trauma-informed therapy for teens and adults. Drawing from Internal Family Systems (IFS), EMDR, and mindfulness practices, she helps clients navigating anxiety, trauma, ADHD, depression, grief, and low self-esteem find healing and cultivate self-compassion. Connect with her at 215-688-5117 or allison@allisonbeerlcsw.com. Learn more at allisonbeerlcsw.com.

Staying Afloat Amidst Life’s Floods

 by Bernadette Dougherty, Psy.D

Storytelling has always been a large part of my life and family culture. I grew up an avid reader, rushing home from school to be immersed in a book until long past bedtime. 

Throughout my childhood and early adulthood, I was fortunate to spend a great deal of time with my grandparents every week. They often shared stories of their lives and journey with me, my father’s parents having grown up in war-torn Ukraine, living in labor and refugee camps across Europe. My mother’s family immigrated from Italy, and they were separated for decades before they were all able to come to the United States. 

As a child, my family’s stories fit well with the fairytales and fantasy books I read, tales of overcoming adversity and good eventually winning over evil. When I became older, I realized that these were not simply stories, but real and very painful events that occurred to the people I loved. This realization was the initial catalyst for my curiosity with risk and resilience: 

What allows some individuals to survive and even thrive in spite of painful events and trauma?

Recent world events and devastation by hurricanes throughout the southeastern United States brought this question into sharp focus again. Whether we are directly impacted by large-scale disasters or not, it is heartbreaking to see how lives can be turned upside down in an instant.  

None of us are strangers to pain and adversity. At times it can feel like wherever we look there are horrible events occurring in our lives and in the world more broadly, yet we’re expected to continue functioning through it all. In times such as these, it can feel like any additional stressor threatens to pull us under the flood of stress and emotions. In addition, our brains are naturally constructed to prioritize negative information over the positive, often making it exceedingly difficult to think of anything other than the stressful event we are experiencing. 

Moments such as these, when painful situations occur repeatedly and it’s difficult to keep my head above the emotional flood, I have found that the first part of one of the Dialectical Behavior Therapy (DBT) skills is particularly helpful in staying afloat: Accumulating Positives in any and every way we can. Through purposely directing our attention to things we find enjoyable, we strengthen neural connections for positivity, increase much needed dopamine in the brain, and decrease our vulnerability to emotional stress. Focusing even on small things like beauty in our environment, a song we enjoy, or a soothing sensation works; we essentially boost ourselves above the emotional flood. Stringing along these positives during transition moments — like car rides and minutes in between meetings — can be a small and time-friendly way to accumulate positives despite many of our busy schedules. Allowing small positives to be present along with the pain can help us to feel more balanced and less emotionally flooded. As we experience changes throughout our lives, I encourage you to set aside time and space throughout your day and week, no matter how much or little, to accumulate positives and stay afloat. 

Bernadette Dougherty, Psy.D. is a Licensed Psychologist providing therapy for teens and adults. Her approach is collaborative and individualized to help clients create meaningful change. Specialties include anxiety, depression, emotion regulation, trauma, suicide, self-injury, stress, chronic pain/illness, LGBTQIA+ care, and insomnia. To learn more about her work and to schedule an initial consultation, reach out to her at bernadette.dougherty.psyd@gmail.com and 215-770-1845. 

The Healing Power of Art

by Vanessa Mortillo, LPC

Making art is like giving a gift: evidence of your spirit and that you are here. – Patty Mitchel

I have long been fascinated with the ways that visual images offer new pathways of communication and a deeper way to learn about the self.  To give an example, I was recently with a client who was struggling with controlling anger. I prompted him to draw his anger as a creature. The client took to the page readily, intuitively sketching out an anger monster, and surrounding it with images from his life. What I did not expect was how this drawing led to a profound shift in his ability to control anger, and how the image said so much more than he had previously been able to put into words. The insights he gained from seeing it on the page, and the process of art-making itself, offered a new sense of freedom for him.

Making visual art may have helped my client in more ways than one. Art has many therapeutic applications, including art therapy, expressive arts therapy, and even hospital wellness programs.  Below are just a few of the myriad benefits employed by visual arts that can make a world of difference.

Externalizing the problem

Art can help us put our problems outside of ourselves. When we put feelings or thoughts into an image, we get separation from our struggles as well as a sense of perspective.  We start to see that our challenges do not define who we are. We get a bird’s eye view of the issues at hand. For some, drawing scary feelings — contained in the boundaries of a page — can create a manageable way of exploring traumas.

Self-Soothing/Recreation

Doodlers and coloring book enthusiasts experience the relaxing qualities of moving pen, pencil, or paint brush across a page and adding calming colors. The process itself has been shown to have calming effects.

Another Way to Process

Art allows us to use metaphor and symbolism rather than words. Expressive Arts therapist Shaun McNiff writes, “The psychotherapeutic use of the arts offers an opportunity to integrate scientific knowledge about the psyche with the more imaginative and spiritual hemisphere of the mind, where the power to heal lies.” Because visual arts engage our sensory system and both sides of our brain, they offer another way to process our feelings and traumas, especially when we struggle to find words to express our emotions. Our artwork can also be a way to bring unconscious materials into the light of awareness. 

Intrigued? Already someone who enjoys creating or perhaps curious to see what you’d discover? I invite you to engage the healing power of visual art-making by exploring some of the activities in the links below or joining me for a new monthly offering of mindful art-making. Let’s create — together. 

Vanessa Mortillo, LPC, is a Licensed Professional Counselor specializing in play therapy, mindfulness, and the use of art in play. She has worked with adults and children from a variety of backgrounds in home, school, and outpatient settings and is committed to advancing equity and social justice. She can be reached at 267-507-5793 or vanessamortillolpc@counselingsecure.com.

Restorative Practices in Therapy

by Drew Underwood, M.Ed.

Restorative practices aim to reduce harm, resolve conflicts, and facilitate healing. If you are thinking, “this is very similar to the goals of therapy,” then you’d be right! The non-punitive nature of the therapeutic setting makes it the perfect environment to implement restorative practices. The restorative practices in therapy combine both high empowerment and high support and are characterized by doing things with people, rather than to them or for them. There are many therapeutic models consistent with restorative justice practices. Internal Family Systems Therapy, Emotionally Focused Therapy, Narrative Therapy, and Solutions Focused Therapy are just a few. Elements of treatment such as creating a safe space, facilitating authentic connections through discussion and action, and seeking restoration are all things restorative justice and therapy have in common. You can use restorative practices clinically through affective statements, information conversations using restorative questions, using talking pieces (helpful for all levels of development/abilities), and formal restorative conferences. These can be implemented in a circle or group setting and is a great way to build community.

In education, circles and groups provide opportunities for students to share their feelings, build relationships and problem-solve, and when there is wrongdoing, to play an active role in addressing the wrong and making things right (Riestenberg, 2002). According to Restorative Solutions, a UK-based organization committed to making restorative justice more accessible to communities, the “Five R’s” of Restorative Practice, namely relationship, respect, responsibility, repair, and reintegration, have many applications. You can read more about this here: The 5 ‘R’s of Restorative Justice: Are They Always Applicable? .

For more information about how restorative practices can be used in schools, watch this video: Restorative Practices in Schools Have Power to Transform Communities or click here: School Counselor’s Role in Restorative Practices.

As therapists, we are asked to de-center ourselves and act in the best interests of our clients. Restorative practices allow us to do the same for our communities, prioritizing community-led healing regardless of the setting. In my work with clients, I found in most cases there is a genuine desire to get better. When clients experience distress, they can be bound to depressive feelings that make healing hard to do. This brings them out of touch with their humanity, with their (and others) human capacity to make mistakes. I have found extending grace to clients as foundational to reestablishing that link to their humanity. Grace helps us effectively balance acceptance and accountability with the potential to change, for example, “I’ve made a terrible mistake and it is not okay, however I do not have to spend a lifetime allowing it to define me, I can heal from this and live a happy, healthy life.” Extending grace as a therapist is important, but helping clients give grace as a gift to themselves is even more so. It allows clients to accept their humanity and become ready to embrace the potential for transformation in therapy.

Drew Underwood, M.Ed., is a Master’s level therapist who provides trauma and grief counseling and support to those experiencing anxiety, depression, and other difficulties navigating school and career challenges. He believes in the potential for radical growth and incorporates mindfulness-based approaches to provide culturally sensitive care that centers clients’ diverse experiences. He works under the supervision of Licensed Professional Counselor Jen Perry. To learn more about his work, contact him at 267-499-3970 or dunderwoodcounseling@gmail.com.
 

Restorative and Transformative Justice

by Drew Underwood, M.Ed.

“How do we hold people accountable for wrongdoing and yet at the same time remain in touch with their humanity enough to believe in their capacity to be transformed?” - bell hooks

This question that the late, great bell hooks poses is one that I have found myself asking in various ways over the last five years. When we encounter clients that have harmed others, or we ourselves find that we’ve harmed folks in our lives, feelings of embarrassment, shame, guilt, and sometimes even penance can be the result. These responses are common responses, but they seldom result in healing our relationships or whatever is left broken in us.

I committed myself personally and professionally to the human potential for radical growth and transformation. This philosophy provided a framework that empowered me to do the necessary work of unlearning punitive responses to harm, but more importantly, it gave me hope that my efforts were indeed worth it. When we experience harm, we may feel like those responsible need to be punished, but I challenge you to think deeper about what caused them to commit the harm in the first place.  What might their actions reveal about what needs to be healed within them? Restorative and Transformative Justice offers an alternative that aims to heal rather than punish.

Restorative and Transformative Justice

Restorative Justice and Transformative Justice are terms often used interchangeably, but this isn't accurate. Yes, they both provide alternatives to punitive responses to harm, but there are some important factors that distinguish them. Transformative Justice is defined as an extralegal process engaging the harm doer, the person harmed, a facilitator, and their communities in shifting communal components to address current harms and prevent future harms from occurring on a systemic level. Transformative justice exists completely outside of systems so lawyers, judges, or even therapists won't be involved. This gives communities the autonomy to facilitate their own healing! Restorative justice is an approach to harm at an individual-level, rather than a systemic level. It is a dialogue between the harm-doer, the person or party harmed, a facilitator, and their communities (such as schools), at times resulting from proceedings in the criminal legal system. Restorative justice efforts are community-led that can include the legal system but don’t necessarily have to.  They work to restore the person harmed to their previously harmed state.

Drew Underwood, M.Ed., is a Master’s level therapist who provides trauma and grief counseling and support to those experiencing anxiety, depression, and other difficulties navigating school and career challenges. He believes in the potential for radical growth and incorporates mindfulness-based approaches to provide culturally sensitive care that centers clients’ diverse experiences. He works under the supervision of Licensed Professional Counselor Jen Perry. To learn more about his work, contact him at 267-499-3970 or dunderwoodcounseling@gmail.com.

The intersection of Grief and Guilt

by Kim Vargas, LCSW

It is certainly not surprising that a significant amount of the therapeutic work I am currently doing with clients revolves around working on feelings of loss. The pandemic has triggered intense experiences of grief. People are grieving the loss of loved ones who have died of COVID. They are grieving deaths unrelated to COVID, but where COVID made it impossible to attend hospital stays and funerals. They are grieving the loss of jobs and schools and connections. They are grieving the loss of normalcy.

It is important to note that grief can be cumulative. In 2001, when I worked with survivors of the Pentagon terrorist attack, I was amazed by how many people talked about losses completely unrelated to recent events. I heard about lost siblings, partners, and close friends who had died years before. It turned out that the grief related to the recent event was significant in itself, but that it also provoked thoughts and feelings about previous losses. The combination sent people reeling. The same is true today. Those processing losses brought about by COVID may also be suddenly inundated by sadness and grief from earlier bereavement. If not known and understood, this can feel terrifying.

While grief alone is excruciating, many of these same people also experience guilt. For some, this guilt is a relatively small piece of the bigger picture. For others, the guilt is crushing and overwhelming, and sometimes overshadows the grief itself.

Prior to COVID’s arrival, I had already been exploring this intersection of guilt and grief in my clients’ lives. I initially found it puzzling that it was such a universal part of grief to feel guilty. I started to unpack what my clients meant when they said “I feel so bad” after a major loss. Time after time, with deeper examination, what initially appeared to be guilt was often actually another manifestation of intense grief.

Part of this comes from the notion that grief is such a confusing, disempowering feeling, that people may seek to better understand it by inserting themselves into the equation. Guilt gives us the false sense that we could have controlled something that was truly out of our control. For many people, disempowerment feels worse than almost anything else, and can be terrifying.

Often the guilt is irrational and truly has little or nothing to do with the actual loss. Sometimes it seems easier to feel guilt that to sit in the horror of the loss. Focusing on our own role in the loss also distances us from the actual loss feelings.  In the end, of course, this only serves to make us feel worse. However, we are rarely aware in the moment of this progression, and the loss and guilt sometimes meld together until it feels like we are carrying a million pounds of feelings.

I encourage my clients to deeply consider the role of guilt. Feeling guilty about something can be useful; it may make us stop a behavior, or be less likely to do the same thing in the future. But beyond guilt’s ability to inspire us to make changes, it rarely serves a purpose. For that reason, I suggest that clients consider how they can empower themselves, by first thinking through what specifically they feel badly about. When we unpack the bad feelings, what often comes to the surface is a more pure form of grief. And while that grief can be agonizing, it is imperative to the healing process to really name and understand the genuine emotion.

Kim Vargas, LCSW provides therapy to individuals, couples, and groups. Kim works with her clients to address a variety of issues, including depression, anxiety, grief, self esteem, and relationships. She also specializes in helping moms and dads to navigate postpartum issues and parenting. To learn more or schedule an appointment, contact Kim at kimvargastherapy@gmail.com or 267-568-7846.

Steps to walk yourself through grief-related guilt

by Kim Vargas, LCSW

Name the feeling. Do not allow yourself to just call it guilt without really digging deep to determine whether you believe you actually have something legitimate that you feel you did wrong. Talk to someone you trust about these feelings.

Acknowledge cumulative grief if applicable. Ask yourself whether some of the grief/guilt might be related to a previous loss. If so, be mindful of the cumulative effect of the grief.  Naming and assigning the grief to its separate roots can be helpful.

Address any legitimate guilt. If you do determine that you have done something wrong, try to find ways to make amends or plan to behave differently in the future. Remind yourself that you cannot change the past, but you can take control of the future.

Accept the sadness. Once you have acknowledged grief as the primary emotion, allow yourself to feel the sadness. Sometimes it is better to sit in the pain than to try to banish it without examination. It can be especially helpful to process these feelings with a trusted individual.

Practice self care and self compassion. Grief takes a tremendous toll on people. In order to keep functioning, it is vital to take care of yourself. In addition, having compassion for oneself makes the process easier. There may be times when the grief is crushing, and other times when it feels more manageable. Giving yourself grace during the hardest times will encourage healing.

Empower yourself. Given that part of the guilt may be a dysfunctional way to feel more in control, it is useful to find healthy ways to empower yourself. This may or may not be related to the grief itself. In some cases, finding empowerment in any realm of one’s life can be incredibly beneficial. This may mean a major life shift, but more often takes the form of something in the moment. Accomplishing a task, cleaning your house, or going out for a run are small examples that may have a large impact.

Letting Go

by Trudy Gregson, MS, LPC

“When I let go of what I am, I become what I might be. When I let go of what I have, I receive what I need.” - Tao Te Ching

Who hasn't struggled with letting go at one time or another? Cleaning out a closet and letting go of old favorites that don’t fit or aren’t your style anymore. Letting go of expectations - yours or someone else’s - to be the parent, partner, friend, daughter or son you’re “supposed” to be. Or letting go of a wish that something outside of your control can be different.  Maybe you’ve noticed it as feeling “stuck”, or perhaps it’s a little voice in the back of your head, or a good friend advising, “Let it go.” We know we should, so why is it so hard?

           

There are as many reasons why it’s hard as there are reasons for letting go: fear of judgment or regret, fear of failure, fear of the unknown, to name a few. Holding on can feel safe and familiar, while the notion of letting go may be fraught with fear or anxiety. It can feel like a tug-of-war as we weigh our options, ask for advice, ruminate.

           

So there we are, stuck in this tug-of-war, neither side letting go. How do we get “unstuck”? Perhaps it seems counterintuitive, but letting go requires us to move towards the fear or anxiety. It’s your fear, unique to you, and your fear can’t actually hurt you. So rather than “letting go” of fear, I invite you to welcome it by tuning in to what you’re noticing as you think about letting go. Maybe it’s a feeling in your stomach, or your chest, or your head, or more of an “all over” sensation. Maybe an image comes to mind, or a memory. Instead of labeling it as unpleasant and pushing it away or trying to shut it down, take a few deep breaths and see if you can be present with it, accepting that it’s here, and noticing what it needs you to know.

           

Your feelings about letting go are simply trying to get your attention, like the monster that lurks under a child’s bed when it’s time to surrender to sleep. How can a child sleep with a monster under the bed? So the parent dutifully checks under the bed, in the closet, in the corners and says, “There’s no monster.” The parent uses monster spray, just to be sure. When the parent is finished attending to the monster, does the child really believe there’s definitely no monster in the room? Probably not, but the child’s fears feel heard. The parent knows about the monster now, too. The child isn’t experiencing it alone. Maybe there is a monster, but the parent is there with the child, just down the hall.

           

We can be with the monsters that get in the way of letting go without them overpowering us. We don’t need to persuade them, just to listen. Once they feel our presence and feel heard, they tend to loosen their grip. You don’t let go of feelings, they let go of you. Then you can let go of old beliefs or behaviors, creating space for new possibilities, new opportunities, and new beliefs that fit who you really are. 

Trudy Gregson is a Licensed Professional Counselor who works with adults experiencing depression and anxiety, relationship issues, life transitions, grief and loss. Trudy brings mindfulness practice to her work with her clients to help them cultivate compassion for themselves and create the space for change. Trudy offers a free 30-minute phone consultation and can be reached at trudygregsontherapy@gmail.com or 267-652-1732.

Coping with postpartum depression

by Kim Vargas, LCSW

Jessica walked into my office in a sundress with her hair and makeup done. [For the purposes of illustrating key points, a fictitious client has been created.] She smiled and spoke in a calm, warm tone. Had I not had a phone conversation with her the day before where she detailed her reasons for making the appointment, I would never have guessed that this woman was suffering deeply. To look at Jessica, you would wouldn’t have known that she was terrified to be alone with her baby; that she wasn’t sleeping at all because she was so anxious that her baby would stop breathing if he wasn’t constantly monitored; that she felt hopeless and filled with despair almost all of the time; that she sometimes wondered if her baby would be better off without her; that she spent most of the day crying as soon as her partner left for the workday. To look at Jessica, you would never have known she was in the throes of postpartum depression.

Jessica’s mother told her that she was just suffering from the baby blues, and that all new moms go through a tough stretch. Her mom told her she just needed to get out of the house more, spend time in the sun, and pull herself together. For three months after her son was born, Jessica suffered in silence, and told herself that she was a terrible mom for not feeling joyful about her new baby. She was fearful that her baby would be taken away if she revealed the truth, so she made sure to act upbeat at her six week postpartum check-up.

As it turned out, Jessica was one of the 1 in 7 women who struggle with postpartum depression.

Luckily, Jessica had a sister-in-law who had previously suffered from postpartum depression (PPD), and knew to ask Jessica important questions about her mood and coping. Had that not been the case, Jessica could easily have fallen into the 50% of women who are never diagnosed (and consequently never get help) with postpartum mood disorders.

Women suffering from untreated PPD are more likely to develop Major Depressive Disorder down the road. They may have more difficulty bonding with their baby. These moms often have lower self esteem. Their babies may experience language delays, have more difficulty with self regulation, and experience depression themselves later in childhood.

Postpartum depression is more likely to occur in parents with a baby who spends time in the NICU, parents who experience complications at birth, parents with a history of depression, parents with a high needs infant, and/or parents with a lack of social, emotion, and financial supports.

It is worth noting that it is not only biological mothers that suffer from PPD. 1 in 10 fathers experience depression in the postpartum period. Adoptive and foster parents are also at risk. Because these parents did not give birth to the child, they sometimes feel unjustified in their depression, and are therefore unlikely to mention the feelings to anyone.

The good news is that there are many wonderful options for treatment and healing. Many parents find immediate relief in working with a therapist trained in postpartum issues. These professionals can validate and normalize the thoughts and feelings, make concrete suggestions for behavioral modifications, and assist new parents in finding resources to help manage new parenthood. Sometimes just being “allowed” to say the deepest, darkest thoughts and fears in a confidential setting lifts a tremendous burden.

Many women find that talking to their doctor about their mood enables the doctor to prescribe medication that helps manage the feelings. Doctors knowledgeable in postpartum issues may be able to prescribe a medication that is compatible with breast feeding, as that is often a concern for new parents.

Support groups offer an opportunity to connect with other new parents in a safe setting filled with individuals at a similar life stage. Sometimes parents benefit from hearing someone else speak a familiar thought, feeling, or fear. Likewise, joining local baby-centric activities connects new parents to each other, and offers a structured activity outside of the house. For breastfeeding mothers, attending a breastfeeding support group and/or getting the support of a lactation consultant can be extremely beneficial in making the breastfeeding process smoother and more comfortable, physically and emotionally.

Asking for help from friends, family, and/or paid professionals, especially in the very beginning, can go a long way toward allowing the new parents to heal. Because lack of sleep is often a contributing factor to postpartum depression, having someone else wake up with the baby some of the time may improve mood quickly.

The bottom line is that there is an extraordinary amount of help, support, and resources for people suffering from postpartum issues. Because postpartum mood disorders can develop any time during pregnancy, and up to a year following the birth of a child, it is imperative to know the signs and symptoms, and to seek help immediately.

Kim Vargas, LCSW has been a psychotherapist for over 19 years. She specializes in working with individuals and couples navigating the various stages of parenthood (including the journey to become parents). She is especially passionate about working with new parents surrounding issues of postpartum depression, anxiety, and identity. Kim can be reached at kimvargastherapy@gmail.com or 267-568-7846.

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Personal Identity Throughout the Lifespan

by Kim Vargas, LCSW

Merriam Webster defines identity as the “sameness of essential or generic character in different instances.”  Basically, identity is the core of who we are, regardless of time or place. Identity encompasses the narrative we tell ourselves about ourselves, and the values we hold dear.

But what happens when our lives or external circumstances change so dramatically that our old sense of who we are no longer seems to fit in our current world? What pieces of identity can be brought with us across life transitions, and what pieces go by the wayside?

I first started to explore these ideas in my work with new moms. There is little more jarring to an identity than to go from life without kids to new parenthood. The competent corporate executive may be in the board room making million dollar decisions one day, and the next day find herself without the knowledge or skill to feed a newborn infant. The personality traits and skill sets that have helped her succeed in the business world often have little or no bearing on success in quieting a screaming infant or potty-training a defiant toddler. New parents may suddenly feel unmoored as individuals. If part of identity is the constancy of personality traits across time and space, these new parents may begin to question who they are when those traits can no longer manifest as they have in the  past.

As I watch various clients go through their own life cycle transitions, it has become increasingly clear that questioning of one’s personal identity is not limited to new parents. Teenagers moving into college seek a grasp on identity as they shift from dependent child to independent young adult. Parents of newly minted adults struggle to redefine self as they let go of the day-to-day oversight of their children. Retirees look for a new understanding of self -- as they move from workers, with the inherent boundaries, restrictions, rules and external validation of a structured job – to a more unstructured existence. And these are just a few of the many life changes that can contribute to feelings of loss or confusion with respect to roles and identity.

Given the universality of these shifts in identity, I have given a great deal of thought as to how these transitions can feel less like a shift in who we are at our core, and more like positive change and growth. Here are a few of my “identity shift guidelines”:

1.     Think about what makes you “you”. Consider this in terms of personality traits that are not specific to your current stage, but rather define the parts of self of which you are most proud. For example, the high school football star who derived a large piece of his identity from his role as a quarterback might learn that the important personality trait isn’t the football skill itself, but instead his extreme perseverance in working toward goals. This perseverance can persist throughout life transitions.

2.     Think about activities that make you feel happiest and most fulfilled. For example, the new mom who loved to be social in her old life may feel like the combination of work and baby have made her disengage from friendships, losing a core piece of self. For this mom, creating a Saturday playgroup or joining a neighborhood bookclub could hit the mark in returning to the social elements of self.

3.     Allow yourself to let go of old behaviors that are no longer functional in your current life stage. Recognize that adopting new behaviors does not spell the end of an old trait.  The man who derived a sense of self from being the “fix-it” guy as a single person may need to find new ways to feel that same sense of competency and satisfaction when family responsibilities no longer allow for spending an afternoon fixing an appliance. But he may be able to take a leadership role in the local PTA and feel competent and able to “fix” something in his new world.

4.     Explore new ways to identify self. Take a class that sounds interesting but may be out of your comfort zone. Take on a new role at work, at school, or as a volunteer that may highlight pieces of self you want to hone or never even knew existed.

5.     Define yourself according to your values, not your accomplishments. Much of who we are derives from how we see ourselves treating others, including the choices we make with respect to allocation of our time and resources.

The good news is that identity is not a solid, stagnant thing, and it is certainly not set in stone. Sometimes it takes trying on some elements of identity for size before you can determine whether (or not) the fit is appropriate.