Maintaining Emotional Health and Hope during the Holidays with Your Teen

by Katie May

You’re a parent with a teen who’s struggling emotionally. Maybe they are anxious and full-on panic at the thought of a crowded room (even with familiar faces and family members in it.) Maybe they are depressed and withdrawn, and the concept of joy and laughter are so far off from their everyday that it feels cruel to ask them to smile for yet another picture when you know that it will be fake and plastered or trigger them to burst into tears.

You’re sitting back silently like an elf-on-the-shelf to avoid saying or doing something that will set your teen off or cause them to act out impulsively or self-destructively.

At this point you may be thinking, “Aren’t the holidays supposed to be fun?”

But from past experience you know that holidays and families can bring up baggage that causes way more stress than the everyday routine.

Many parents white-knuckle the winter break and repeatedly mutter the mantra “Just one week” until school resumes.  (Oh yeah… there’s another transition and yet another opportunity for your teen’s symptoms to increase… and for everything to fall apart again.).

Or, they spend the holiday season putting out fires and managing conflicts and crises as they arise with no clear plan for how to cope ahead and make the necessary changes that make the holidays run smoothly.  In fact, many therapists work this way too!  And if we’re being honest here, it’s just not working anymore.

When I work with teens in my teen groups we practice a Dialectical Behavior Therapy (DBT) skill called Cope Ahead.  This idea is that we can begin to prepare for difficult situations by being mindful of how we may think, feel and behave in them and making a plan for how we will manage this in the moment.

One fun example of this is if you know that grandma is going to ask you twenty questions about why you’re not on the cheerleading squad and why you don’t like wearing pink, then you can make a game of it.  Create a bingo board for yourself on an index card to keep in your pocket and every time grandma makes a critical comment, check one off the board until you’ve “won” the game.  You can’t change grandma, but you CAN shift your reactions to be more effective.  I guarantee this game will have you laughing at your own personal inside joke rather than sulking sullenly in the corner!

Another example may be recognizing that a holiday will make you feel sad or empty because you lost a loved one and you miss them.  You can cope ahead by creating a memory jar or journal where you can record everything you remember about the holidays you shared together.  You can lead a discussion at the dinner table and ask others their favorite holiday memory of the loved one you lost.

Or, if being around people makes you nervous because you don’t know who will be there or what to say to them, you can do some prep work.  Make a list of everyone who will attend the gathering or party and decide on at least one topic that you can ask them about.  Also, write down three to five topics you like to talk about, such as what TV shows you’re watching or what’s new in your life that you’d be willing to share.  Having a set plan for what to say and who to say it to creates a structure for talking to people that takes some of the pressure off when you may freeze in the moment.

Coping ahead isn’t about making the feelings go away; it’s about using the knowledge you have about those feelings to change your experience into one that works for you instead of against you.

It’s time to have a plan for this holiday season!  I’ve called together a group of amazing therapists to help you prepare for how to manage an angry, sad or self-hating teen this winter.  (And they are ready and prepared to support your teen in Winter Coping Skills Camp too!  More at www.creativehealingphilly.com/winter-coping-skills-camp)

Take some time for you and tune in to this video series for parenting teens.  In just a few short videos you’ll be equipped with the tools you need to cope ahead with holiday triggers that your teen may experience.  And you’ll likely learn at least a thing or two about how to create a stronger bond with your teen and help them manage their emotions on an ongoing basis too!

As a teen therapist, I know that adolescence can be a challenging time for my clients.  I support six groups of teens who all share similar struggles with anxiety, depression and/or self-harm behaviors.  And I want you as a parent to feel supported too.  

In this parenting support video series, you will learn:

·       How to peacefully communicate with your teen in a way that helps them make choices that are aligned with your family values

·       How to help your teen manage anger and disappointment in healthy ways that build self-esteem

·       How to help your teen go from self-loathing and critical to feeling strong and empowered

·       How to use self-soothing skills to help your teen manage anxiety and dis-ease

·       Why encouraging your teen to use the arts as a creative outlet is beneficial for both of you

To learn more about Winter Coping Skills Camp and to watch the parenting support video series, click here:  www.creativehealingphilly.com/winter-coping-skills-camp-for-parents

Raising Your Teen's Self-Esteem

by Katie K. May

You’re a concerned parent who has a teen with low self-esteem.

 You want your teen to feel confident enough to resist peer pressure.

 It breaks your heart to hear them make such negative comments about themselves when they look in the mirror.

 And, It’s painful to watch them fret over each blemish on their face and compare their bodies to those of their friends.

 You’re so afraid that they actually believe the critical thoughts they have about themselves and wonder how that will impact them.

 … will they give into peer pressure?

… will they make healthy choices or act impulsively to feel better in the moment?

… will today be a “good” day or a “bad” day and how will you manage the emotional roller coaster?

 If you’ve been telling your teen that they’re perfect and pouring on the compliments, you know that this just doesn’t work to change how your teen feels on the INSIDE.  What’s more, it may backfire and make them feel even worse. 

 Learn how to help your teen improve their self-esteem by focusing on the strengths that they already have!  Try my top three techniques for improving teen self-esteem here:

Help your teen do something that makes them feel confident each day.  Maybe this means playing a sport, but maybe it means reading a book.  Tune in to what your child’s strengths are and then encourage them to partake in activities that highlight these strengths.  In this way, your teens are gaining the experience of feeling confident in some way each day.

Help your teen reflect on what went well in each day.  Often times we ruminate on what went wrong and play it over and over again in our minds.  When you can help your teen begin to see what they are doing right in a day, it can rewrite that story.  What’s more, when you help them see how their specific actions helped to create these positive experience, it empowers them to continue to make positive choices that improve self-esteem.

Focus on the process and not the outcome.  Be mindful of how you talk to your teen about success and begin to really listen to how they talk about themselves in front of you.  Challenge any thoughts that are uttered aloud like, “I’m a mess” or “I can’t do it.”  Help them see that while they may not be able to meet a bigger goal YET, that when broken down into smaller steps while highlighting the progress, that they are capable of getting to where they want to be.

And, because it takes a village to support a family, try these tips from other amazing and skilled therapists in our community…

As a play therapist and creative counselor for teens, Elizabeth Campbell recommends finding the balance between independence and support to help build self-esteem.  "Adolescence is a time when teens are developing both independence and their concept of their identity, so it is very important for parents to support these in healthy ways! One option is for parents to recognize and reflect character qualities of their child rather than achievement," she says, "Another way is to toe the line of granting kids space to figure things out on their own while still maintaining appropriate boundaries. This helps teens to achieve a sense of self-efficacy in their efforts."

Jen Perry, therapist and Peaceful Parenting coach and shares her top tip for parents to, "Begin teaching their teen (and themselves!) about the connection between our basic human needs and our emotions. Negative emotions most often arise from basic needs for health, connection, and meaning not getting met. A sense of self-mastery and self-esteem naturally arises when we can train ourselves to identify the unmet need, meet the negative emotion with self-compassion and empathy, and take concrete steps to get the need met. This life skill can also be applied to relationships with others which can help teens begin to take things less personally in relationships and become skillful in helping others meet their needs as well. “Helping your teen look inward and be more aware of what they need in the moment, as well as joining with them to communicate this need can improve self-esteem and the parent child relationship.  

Finally, Clinical Social Worker, Kim Vargas reminds parents to point out the positives each day. "Self doubt and difficulty seeing positive aspects of self are hallmarks of the teen years. As a parent, you are in the unique position to boost your child's self esteem by being the storehouse of their positive traits and actions. At least once each day, try to point out a positive trait your teenager has, and a specific behavior you observed that day to support the trait. For example, mention to your teen that she has always been a generous person, and then note how she offered to come over to help her grandma fix her email problems."  By sharing what's going well, you can help your teen accumulate self-esteem day by day.

Self-Care for Parents

by Katie K. May, NBCC, LPC

Sometimes as parents, we think that the focus needs to always be on our children. We might think that it's selfish to take time to ourselves, or that we can't focus energy on our own well-being until our children are emotionally balanced and their behavioral issues have been addressed. These beliefs, however, are counterproductive. Modeling good self-care and finding ways to recharge your own batteries are the best tools you have to effectively help your children manage their feelings and behaviors.

Below are some ways to incorporate self-care into your daily routine. 

Breathe. Take a 30 second vacation, close your eyes and notice the way that your breath feels as it moves in and out of your body. Do not underestimate the power of your breath.

Read. Steal 20 minutes of your day to indulge in a good book. Make yourself a cup of coffee or tea and absorb the stillness around you.

Talk to a friend. Meet for a quick cup of coffee or chat on the phone on your way to picking up the kids at school. Finding ways to connect with others is what makes your life meaningful. Adult conversations help keep you grounded.

Take a bath. Light some candles, play some music and draw yourself a warm bubble bath. 

Give yourself a time out. Lie in bed in the dark, or give yourself a one hour break from the glow of a screen. Life's demands can be overwhelming, especially with the added demand of being a parent. Giving yourself permission to take a break is crucial.

Exercise. Physical activity is a great way to help you balance your emotions. Take a walk or run outside and enjoy some fresh air. Or, join a group class for the added benefit of social connections. Moving your body helps to ease stress and unlock negative emotions.

When you take care of yourself on a daily basis, you become a better parent because you're better equipped to handle life's ups and downs.  What will you do today just for you?  Share with us on The Resiliency Center's Facebook page to hold yourself accountable and inspire others!

Katie May is a teen therapist who hosts weekly groups for teens. Contact Katie at 610-813-2575 or katie@creativehealingphilly.com and visit her website [Insert link to: www.creativehealingphilly.com ] to learn more.

Practicing Radical Acceptance to Reduce Life’s Suffering

by Katie K. May

With warm weather in full swing and fun in the sun at the pool, I’m reminded of two summers ago when my son broke his arm. He was six years old and had just learned to swim. He loved splashing around in the water and swimming to each end of the pool. Then, a camp monkey bar accident and a full arm cast put a stop to his pool fun for the rest of the summer.

           

I can remember others’ remarks like, “That’s awful!” and my son’s tearful plea, “Why did this have to happen?” Not only was he in physical pain, but he also experienced emotional anguish every time we drove past the placid blue water of our pool.

           

An important idea in Dialectical Behavior Therapy (DBT) is pain vs. suffering. When you don’t accept reality as it is, it leads to greater suffering. Alternatively, when you can accept reality, or what is, you may still feel pain, but you can avoid suffering. As a DBT therapist, I call this concept Radical Acceptance.

           

Radical Acceptance means accepting what you can’t change so you can spend your time and energy on what makes your life worth living. It means understanding reality for what it is. Once you understand what you can and can’t change in your life, you can accept reality for what it is.

If we look at my son’s experience in the context of Radical Acceptance, we can understand exactly why it happened. Understanding the logistics is the first step to Radical Acceptance: He was climbing across the monkey bars, which put him in a precarious situation. He fell mid-way across and kept his arms too stiff as his body made impact with the earth.

Next, consider what you can’t change in the situation. My son was not allowed to get that cast wet. Period. So…swimming was not an option for the summer. It was something we could not change. Continuing to focus on the “can’t” in the situation would have led to greater suffering. If we talked about NOT swimming every day, it would remind him of something he loved that he could not have.

Finally, you CAN choose to use skills and act effectively or focus your attention on ideas and events that serve you. Well let me tell you, with water not being an option, we went to every museum and park that summer and changed our summer vacation from the beach to Washington D.C., and it was all amazing!

It’s important to remember that acceptance does NOT mean that you’re giving up or agreeing with a situation or incident that is difficult. It doesn’t mean putting up with a situation or relationship that is harmful for you. It means focusing your energy and taking action on what will help you move forward in your life.

When you practice Radical Acceptance, you shift your focus from “Why did this happen?” to “What can I do now?” It’s this shift that allows you to take ownership of your personal experiences and begin making choices about how to create your path to happiness.

Katie K. May is a Licensed Teen Therapist who specializes in offering groups. A new session of Teen DBT Skills Group will begin in August. Contact Katie@creativehealingphilly.com to explore whether this group will best support your teen.

The Magic of Connection to Create a Happy Life

by Katie K. May

Do you believe that you have the power to make life magical?

The truth is, you have infinite possibilities to create the life you really want and even YOU can create a life of happiness and success, no matter what your starting point.  The first step is believing that you have it within your power to make this change.  

A few weeks ago, I took my family on a vacation to Orlando with big plans to visit Universal Studios and Harry Potter Wizarding World.  With magic on my mind, we hustled through the airport to our gate, all the while expressing gratitude and excitement for the trip we were about to take.  

Upon arriving at our departure gate, we were told that our tickets had been upgraded to first class! (Insert celebration selfie immediately posted to Instagram here!)  We chatted the whole plane ride, enjoying lots of leg room while eating blueberry breakfast cakes and drinking our beverages out of actual glasses.  Imagine my surprise when my 8-year-old wanted to talk the whole time instead of burying his head in a video game!  (Yay connection!)

Arriving to Orlando, we enjoyed amazing sunny skies and warm weather.  It was a welcome change to the cold start of our Philadelphia spring.  We entered Universal with early admission to the park, psyched to explore Wizarding World.  Our first stop:  Harry Potter and The Forbidden Journey (the ride.)  I smiled and greeted a friendly looking staff member at the start of the line to ask what the ride was like.  She chatted with me about it for a moment, then complimented me on my hair.  I thanked her kindly and we chatted a minute or so more.  

As I was saying my goodbye to her, she called out to me, “Wait!  We’re best friends now… I don’t want you to have to wait in any lines!”  She told us to use her name at every ride and attraction in the park and we would be let through with VIP access.  I hugged her and we were on our way!  We were escorted to the very front of every line in the park!  We waited a mere 20 minutes for a restaurant that had a wait over an hour long.  In fact, the longest wait we had all day was for the restroom.  And the magic all started with a genuine connection!

I'm not a celebrity or rock star, although I feel like one (and tend to color my hair like one!)  What I do have, though, is a belief in myself and my power to create magic in my own life.  I'm a big believer in harnessing life's magic and using it to create a life worth living.  Here are my top three tips to help you create a little magic in your life too…

Connect to a sense of gratitude. Soak in the good of every single moment. Enjoy what you have and express your gratitude and excitement for it. The more you can say I'm loving life right now, the more the universe will throw additional and awesome life experiences your way.

Connect with others. Truly and genuinely connect with others in a way that feels good for you. Show appreciation. Show interest. Be gentle and kind. And do all this just because connection is what makes the world fun and meaningful and not because you're expecting something more from it.

Connect to the present moment. Just BE in every single moment. Behave one-mindfully. Do one thing at a time. Make sure that you are living and acting in a way that screams to the universe I am appreciative and notice the good things that you ALREADY have in life.  Keep your eye on the positives and expect miracles in everyday life.

I love my life every single day. It's not always easy. And I'm not always happy. (I am human!)  But I do appreciate what I have. I do stay present in the moment and open myself to whatever experiences come my way. And, I'm always looking to connect and to genuinely care for other people in a way that makes my life meaningful.  

You too have the power to manifest life’s magic and live your dream life.  With these three tips alone, I can guarantee you that you will begin to connect to yourself and your life in a more magical and meaningful way.

I like to end my articles with an action step so you can connect what you read to your own life experiences.  So here it is:  Write a letter of gratitude to someone you love.  Share what you appreciate about them and how they add to your life in positive ways.  Then, personally deliver the letter to your special someone.  Really soak in the sense of happiness and wellbeing that comes from this practice of connection.

Bonus:  Share your experience with us on The Resiliency Center Facebook page [insert link:  https://www.facebook.com/theresiliencycenter/]  so we can stay connected and cheer you on!

Katie K. May is a Licensed Therapist with a passion for fostering connection, empowerment and skill-building in her therapy groups.  Katie offers a Teen Therapy Group, a Teen DBT Group and a Teen Girls Self-Love & Empowerment Group at The Resiliency Center.  For more information on Katie’s services, please visit her website www.creativehealingphilly.com