The Role of Ritual

by Lisa Grant-Feeley, MS, LPC

 

As time appears to be paused and everyday feels like Blursday, it is becoming more and more difficult for us to give structure and meaning to our days, weeks, and months. As we spend increasingly more time with our families and less time out in the world, the routines and rituals of coming and going that signaled the start and finish of activities throughout the day have faded. The act of leaving and rejoining family or our pets or commuting to and from our work provided structure and created a rhythm to our day. Before the pandemic, getting up in the morning meant the start of a specific day with specific things to do and included interacting with others in a real “in person, in the same room, within reach” sort of way that we didn’t even know we could miss. 

 

All of these things naturally created rituals throughout our lives. We might not have thoughts of them as rituals, necessarily, but they were. Stopping for coffee and chatting with our favorite barista (or others who are waiting for their coffee), is a ritual that signals the start of the day and provides connection. Going into your workplace and working beside co-workers is a ritual that provides community and purpose. Coming home from work, greeting your family, and changing into comfortable clothes is a ritual that signals the end of the work day and provides safety and belonging. Making a big breakfast and sitting with family on the weekend is a ritual that signals it’s time to slow down, rest and enjoy being together. As Erika Keswin explains in her book, Rituals Road Maps, rituals ground us and provide a psychological sense of safety through connection, purpose and belonging.

 

By getting in touch with your most essential values, you can create rituals that can provide a higher level of meaning in various aspects of your day. For example, if you value nature, you can create a ritual of bundling up at the start or end of the workday, stepping outside for five minutes to look at the sky, and taking a few deep breaths as you listen for birds singing. If you value nourishing time alone, you can create a 20-minute bathing ritual at the end of the day - lighting a candle, playing some spa music on your phone, and using a body wash that appeals to your sense of smell and touch. If work feels like it’s overwhelming, you can set an alarm at the top of every hour and do a 2-minute rest and rejuvenate ritual where you walk away from the computer and stretch, breathe, and drink some water infused with mint, lemon, or basil. 

 

The trick with rituals is to be fully absorbed in them, totally focused on the purpose and value. Instead of allowing your mind to stay on a stressful assignment while you attempt to rest and rejuvenate, ritual invites you to be fully aware, to commit to this time and really feel your breath, connect with your body as you stretch, and to taste the life-nourishing water you are providing your body. It is by being totally present in the moment that your ritual has the power to release stress and increase the feel-good hormones in your body and mind.

 

Two of my favorite daily rituals involve how I begin and end my day. I set an intention for the day either by taking a few deep breaths first thing in the morning when I wake up or as I sit quietly with my morning coffee. This intention is always value-based and preferably in touch with what I feel will be life-enhancing. The other is to end the day with gratitude for some thing or things that happened during the day for which I am grateful. Maybe it’s a conversation with a family member or friend, the walk I took, or the dinner I cooked and shared with my husband. 

 

I’ve included a link to some core values for work and life. Feel free to take a look, consider what you value and explore how you can create rituals for your days, weeks or months to add meaning and value-based structure to your life. Hopefully this will make the coming months, as we continue to navigate the effects of the pandemic, a bit easier to manage. 

 

Lisa Grant-Feeley, MS, LPC works with individuals and with children and teens in the context of their families. She specializes in working with individuals with ADHD and related behaviors, including anxiety and depression.  She is dedicated to helping families work to create peace in their homes by working with all members of the family.  To connect with Lisa, please call 267-625-2565 or visit her website lisagrantfeeleytherapy.com.  

 

Mindfulness in the year of COVID - by Lisa Grant-Feeley

During the past 30 years, I have been a woman, a wife, a mother, a daughter, a student, a teacher, a student again, and a therapist.  I don’t know if all, or at least most, women are like me, but I had a strong inclination to put everyone and everything else first. I love being all of those things listed above and I’ve enjoyed my life.  The thing is that I didn’t always take time for me! 

 

By living through this past year and the pandemic, I’ve learned: to make time for me and the parts of my life that are important to me.  I’ve learned to connect with my family and friends on a deeper level, even when it wasn’t easy to do so, to appreciate the value of sharing difficult feelings that were made less difficult simply by sharing them, to reach out and join with someone in this struggle, to offer and receive support and find strength.  I think I learned this because with the pandemic, we can’t take tomorrow for granted. 

 

I learned that slowing down and making time to be human with other humans fulfilled a fundamental need in me.  One that I had overlooked or gotten out of touch with because my life was full and busy.  Almost since I can remember, my pace had been so hectic that I would literally have to stop and catch my breath as if I had been jogging through my day!  

  

Now, I spend my time mindfully doing just one thing at a time, and feeling more at peace and I’ll also more alive as a result (and surprisingly, just as productive!).  I cherish moments of everyday joy, being grateful not only for the moment and the joy but also for the ability to cherish it. 

 

I’ve also learned that the feelings of sadness and pain are easier when those moments are accepted, honored and shared, not feared or ignored.  Because being human means that we feel both the joy and the pain. I’ve learned that I’ll take all of it: stronger connection with family and friends, struggling together instead of alone, slowing down and savoring each moment, even take the sadness and pain.  I’ve learned to be better at being human! 

Why play?

by Lisa Grant-Feeley, MS, LPC

As founder of the National Institute of Play, Stuart Brown, MD, compares play to oxygen.  That’s a strong comparison considering that none of us have gone without breathing in even the last minute, but how many of us can remember the last time we really played?  Not every minute, but daily or often. 

Brown considers play to be a “state of being” and “purposeless fun and pleasurable.”  It is a state of being because when we play, we engage our minds, bodies, and spirits. It is purposeless because there is no real goal or consequence. I’m fortunate to be able to remember playing outside as a child for hours on end; the excitement and anticipation of running out the door filled with a sense of freedom, anticipation and curiosity for whatever the next few hours would bring. I fully committed to whatever and wherever play brought me, whether it be creating a fantasy land for fairies, (whom I was sure existed), burying a box filled with treasures to be dug up when I was “all grown-up”, finding neighborhood kids to play hide and seek or kick ball, or just climbing trees and pretending I lived alone in the forest.  The possibilities were as endless as my imagination.

Besides the sheer enjoyment of play, numerous additional benefits exist. Play gives us the chance to connect to others and increases our sense of social wellbeing.  As Plato aptly said, “You can discover more about a person in an hour of play than in a year of conversation.”  In addition, play that utilizes our brainpower helps to maintain cognitive function and increases creativity, productivity and cooperation at home and at work. Furthermore, adults who play and are playful demonstrate higher overall life satisfaction, as reported by numerous studies.  Play adds to our social, mental and emotional wellbeing. Play is powerful!

Keep in mind that there are many ways to play, and getting in touch with your preference could enhance your life in a meaningful way. Try being light-hearted or silly or doing something out of character like tickling your spouse, whatever brings delight.  It doesn’t matter how you play, but rather, that you do play.

As George Bernard Shaw wisely reminded us: “We don’t stop playing because we grow old; we grow old because we stop playing.”

Lisa Grant-Feeley, MS, LPC works with children, teens and families as well as individuals.  She specializes in working with individuals with ADHD and related behaviors.  She is dedicated to helping families work to create peace in their homes by working with all members of the family.  To connect with Lisa, please call 267-625-2565 or visit her website lisagrantfeeleytherapy.com.

Spring Explosions

by Lisa Grant-Feeley

Ahhh, Spring!  The time when the air starts to have a softer, gentler feel to it.  The days are longer and brighter and the the renewal of life is a promise waiting for us.  

For some, there is an explosion of energy that is funneled into throwing open the windows, packing away the unwanted heaviness of winter, preparing for a lighter, brighter time of year.  For others, it is the next season of a child’s explosions of frustration, verbal or possibly physical attacks of big emotions, and feelings of helplessness as the child that is known is transformed into a child in need, and of not knowing how to meet that need.  

For children with ADHD, and some without, big feelings can get the best of them and they don’t have the skills to manage those feelings without an explosion of difficult behaviors.  Understanding the ADHD brain, as well as the high level of sensitivity and intelligence that are often characteristics of children with ADHD, helps to maintain a connection of compassion and closeness that can be difficult for parents to access during explosive behaviors.  It’s important to remember that children do the best they can with the skills they have, and often have feelings of remorse, guilt or shame because of their behavior and inability to control themselves. The added layer of thinking that they are different from other children who do not display these behaviors as well as thinking that they are responsible for the discord in their family and the source of upset for their parents, magnifies their negative self image.  Over time, this sequence of events can lead to feelings of low self-worth, and eventually anxiety and/or depression.

Finding a safe place for families to understand the complexity of ADHD and related characteristics and to learn strategies for supporting a child with ADHD, is needed to to begin the work of restoring a home to a place of peace and calm.  Bibliotherapy (using books therapeutically) with young clients who have ADHD provides a “side door” into discussing their behaviors without directly pointing the finger at them.  This often appeals to the highly sensitive child for whom it it difficult to be vulnerable by admitting that she has big, unmanageable feelings and all the layers that go with them.  

Siblings need guidelines and solutions for behaviors they are currently struggling with that can add to the sense of discord in the home.  Parents are often pleasantly surprised at the changes their children make when given the opportunity to work together to create sibling rules to address the concerns they have.  Typically, when siblings work together to make their own rules, they are invested in change and change often occurs.  

Parents often want to learn more about the way their child’s brain works. This helps them understand their child better and develop a way of parenting their child that works.  Learning strategies to set boundaries with their children in a loving, respectful way as well as supporting them in processing their feelings of concern for their child.  Seeing their child struggle is difficult, seeing them hurt is unbearable, and being able to share those feelings and to create solutions that work for their child is the first step in creating the future they hope for.

Lisa Grant-Feeley, MS, LPC, is a Licensed Professional Counselor who provides support and counseling to children and teens who struggle with ADHD and explosive behaviors as well as those who have symptoms of anxiety and depression.  She works with their families in gaining understanding of what their child or teen is experiencing and in learning ways to support them during difficult times. To learn more, contact her at 267-625-2565 or lisagrantfeeley@gmail.com.

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Making Peace With Your Teen Transitioning to Adulthood

by Lisa Grant-Feeley, LPC

Transitions are the experience of moving from a place that is familiar to a place that is new, different and unfamiliar. The transition a teen faces as they move from being a child who is protected and governed by a parent to an adult who is responsible for protecting and governing themselves can be a difficult time for them: both exciting and frightening. 

Teens are in a stage of life in which they are struggling to reach the stage of independence and their parents are transitioning from being responsible for their children’s safety and welfare to preparing them to face the world on their own. 

For many teens, this is a confusing and frightening time.  Questions like, “Will I be able to handle being on my own?” “Will I make the right choices?” “Will I be successful?”  “How will I know what to do?” The world can seem a scary and lonely place when not returning to the safety of a home and family at the end of each day.  On the other side of the coin, they are driven to independence, which is the next stage of their development.  They long to be self determined, to not have “someone always telling them what to do” which is how it can seem to them, to test themselves and to answer the many questions they have about themselves and their abilities. 

For many parents, this can also be a frightening and confusing time.  Parents remember the tiny, vulnerable infants who are now moving away from their care in an effort to become independent adults.  Even though that is the ultimate goal of parenting, that moving away can be a painful, conflict-filled time.

Having someone to guide both the teen and the parent through these uncharted territories can be supportive and helpful.  By helping the teen learn to evaluate their values and priorities for themselves and develop a strong, self-directed inner voice, they can begin to see themselves as competent and capable.  This makes the uncertainty of the future less anxiety-filled as they become the captain of their ship. 

Lisa Grant-Feeley is a Licensed Professional Counselor who supports teens and their families.    She works from strength based perspective and utilizes a person-centered approach.  If I can support you on your journey, please reach out to connect at lisagrantfeeley@gmail.com  or 267-625-2565.

Unconditional Love~ Parenting a child with explosive behavior

by Lisa Grant-Feeley, MS, LPC

If you’re a parent, you might never forget the first moment you saw your child and the wave of love that overtook you in that instant. Simultaneously, with the wave of awe and amazement came a jolt of terror as you recognized the responsibility loving - and raising - this tiny child would bring.  Many parents take that responsibility to heart and want to do the best they are able for their child.  Some have already had success in raising happy, well-adjusted children and are bewildered when a younger child struggles with behaviors they have never seen before.

Why does my child struggle when plans change?  Why does my child become so incredibly frustrated when things don’t go as expected?  How can my child scream, “I hate you!” or “You’re the worst mother (father) in the world!”  Or worse, how can my child hit, kick, throw things at me?  These are questions many parents ask themselves when their child has explosive behaviors.  In fairness, it is difficult to understand how the same parents can have success with some of their children and not with all of their children. 

According to Dr. Ross Greene, children who exhibit these behaviors typically have underdeveloped skills in the areas of frustration tolerance, flexilibity/adaptability and problem solving, which means they don’t have the skills needed to manage many of life’s unavoidable situations.  Situations that require them to be adaptable or flexible, or to be able to manage frustration that occurs in an average day, or are confronted by a problem they need to solve.  These children are doing the best that they are able with the only “skills” they have. 

When we understand that our child is struggling to find a way to manage a difficult life situation, but doesn’t have the necessary skills, it is easier for us to support our child who is explosively showing us the intensity of that struggle.  Seeing our child as doing the best they are able, allows us to provide the unconditional love we felt the first time we saw them.

Lisa Grant-Feeley is a Licensed Professional Counselor who specializes in working with children who exhibit explosive behaviors and their families. Many of these children also struggle with symptoms of ADHD. Focusing on strengths, she helps families develop proactive solutions and develop skills needed to manage struggles.  For more information, please contact her at 267-625-2565.