Mastering the Art of Communication with Your Teen

by Olivia Ruffin, MS, NCC, LPC

Hey there, parents! Let's be real—raising teens is no joke. The road is often bumpy, and communication during these years can feel like a minefield. Your teen is navigating a whirlwind of emotions, trying to figure out their identity, while seeking more independence. It’s no wonder conversations can quickly spiral into misunderstandings. At this stage, your teen is not always sure how to express what they’re feeling, and sometimes, it feels like you’re speaking different languages. It’s easy to feel overwhelmed. But don't stress because every relationship hits bumps in the road. What matters is how we recover and grow from them.

So, let me ask you this: When was the last time you and your teen had a disagreement, and how did both of you feel afterward? Take a moment to think about it. Now, consider this: What steps have you taken to address misunderstandings with your teen, and how effective do you feel those steps have been?

Reflecting on these questions is the first step towards healing and improving your communication with your growing teen. It's all about understanding, patience, and a whole lot of love. In this article, we’ll explore what to avoid and practical ways to mend those communication gaps and build a stronger, more open relationship with your teen. 

What to Avoid

1. Yelling: Your teen comes home late, and you get frustrated, shouting, “Why can’t you just be responsible for once?” Raising your voice can escalate the situation and create a barrier to effective communication. When you yell, it’s not just your teen who feels hurt and misunderstood—you feel it too. Yelling can leave you feeling guilty and regretful afterward, and it doesn't solve the underlying issues.

2. Sweeping Things Under the Rug: After a big argument about curfew, you both pretend it never happened and don’t bring it up again. Acting like the argument never happened can create emotional distance and lingering tension between you and your teen. Avoiding issues might bring temporary peace, but unresolved problems weigh on your mind and your teen may feel dismissed, which can also lead to your teen not respecting boundaries if they know that you won’t talk or stick to them. 

3. Not Acknowledging Your Wrongs: When your teen says you’re being unfair or too harsh, you brush it off with, “I’m just trying to get you to take things seriously” without really hearing them out. Not admitting your mistakes during miscommunication can really hurt the trust and respect between you and your teen. It might be tough to own up, but dodging responsibility can leave you feeling guilty and your teen feeling unimportant and undervalued. This creates emotional distance and ongoing tension.

4. Buying Forgiveness Out of Guilt: After a heated argument about curfew, you feel guilty and decide to let your teen go to a party with friends, even though you know there might be alcohol there. You hope that giving in will make up for the argument and ease the tension, but it doesn’t address the real issues. It might seem like an easy out, but it often leaves you feeling empty and your teen feeling like their emotions aren’t valued. 

Alright, we've talked about some of the common pitfalls in communicating with your teen—yelling, ignoring issues, not owning up to mistakes, and trying to buy forgiveness. Recognizing these habits is the first step toward learning how to change them. So, how do we move from these unhealthy patterns to healthier, more effective ways of connecting? It starts with empathy, patience, and a willingness to grow together. Let’s dive into some practical strategies that can help transform your interactions, mend those communication gaps, and build stronger, more understanding relationships with your teen.  

1. Stay Calm — Instead of Yelling: When your teen comes home late, instead of yelling, take a deep breath, and calmly say, “I’m glad you’re home safe. Let’s talk about why you were late.” Staying calm helps keep the conversation productive and shows your teen that you’re willing to listen.
   

Tip: If a conversation with your teen starts getting heated, suggest pausing and revisiting it at a specific time. This approach doesn't mean avoiding the issue; it ensures the discussion happens without escalating tensions. 

2. Address Issues Directly — Instead of Sweeping Things Under the Rug: After an argument about curfew, don’t ignore the issue. Sit down with your teen the next day and say, “Let’s discuss what happened last night and how we can avoid this situation in the future.” This approach ensures that both of you feel heard and understood, preventing lingering resentment.

"Sweeping problems under the rug only leads to a lumpy rug. We must confront our issues with honesty and compassion to create lasting change”-Harriet Lerner, PhD.

3. Own Your Mistakes — Instead of Not Acknowledging Your Wrongs: If you realize you’ve been too harsh, acknowledge it. Try saying, “I was too hard on you earlier, and I’m sorry. Let’s find a better way to talk about this.” Admitting your mistakes builds trust and respect, showing your teen that it’s okay to own up to their errors too.

“Validating your child’s feelings doesn’t mean you agree with them, but it shows you understand and respect their emotions.” - Dr. Marsha Linehan

4. Set Boundaries — Instead of Buying Forgiveness Out of Guilt: After an argument about curfew, instead of letting your teen go to a potentially risky party out of guilt, explain your concerns and set clear boundaries. Say, “I understand you’re upset, but I’m worried about your safety. Let’s find a safer way for you to spend time with your friends.” This demonstrates that their well-being is your priority and that actions have consequences.

Parenting has its challenges, but it can also be incredibly rewarding, especially when improving communication deepens your connection with your teen. Imagine staying calm instead of yelling, addressing issues head-on, owning up to mistakes, and setting clear boundaries without trying to buy forgiveness. These changes can help create a better connection with your teen and show them how to handle conflicts with empathy and understanding because you're leading the way! If you’re ready to dive into more effective communication or need help guiding your teen through their challenges, I’m here for you. Let’s work together and build and maintain stronger relationships with your teen. You’ve got this!

Olivia Ruffin, MS, LPC, is a compassionate Licensed Professional Counselor who helps high-achieving teens and women unmask perfectionism and embrace more mindful, joyful lives. She specializes in offering practical strategies to navigate anxiety and life transitions, guiding clients toward lasting change and genuine, long-term growth. Olivia is trained in DBT and EMDR, providing a comprehensive approach to processing traumatic memories and teaching effective techniques for mindfulness and emotional regulation. To connect with Olivia, please call 267-434-1030. Or email oruffinlpccounseling@gmail.com

AHO!

by Elizabeth Campbell, MS, LPC, RPT-S

“Ahooooooooo!”  I had no idea what this phrase means, but it seemed like everyone around me was feeling great as they said it very loudly.  Almost a decade ago, I went on a yoga retreat called the Art of Letting Go in Mexico with Maura Manzo, yoga teacher extraordinaire and cofounder of Yoga Home in Conshohocken.  It was a combination of yoga, meditation, and local shamanic rituals.  One of those rituals was a Temezcal, or a sweat lodge.  It sounds worse than it is.  It basically was a long meditation in a hot little hut with aromatherapy.  You go through several stages of releasing, ending in a metaphorical rebirth.  One of those stages is making noise.  People all around me were screaming and yelling, “Aho” as I sat in the back of the hut, frozen and silent.  I left. 

In that moment, nothing felt scarier than expressing what I needed to release.  There is so much vulnerability in seeing and expressing our feelings, even if it is in a nonverbal catharsis. I needed way more safety than what was present in my system in that moment. I didn’t know all of the people in the group well; I was sitting in the back of the hut between two especially expressive and vocal yogis, and my senses and emotions were overwhelmed.  We need strategies to cope with the overwhelming impact of freeing our emotions, and we have to feel safe in order to let go.  This can be particularly hard if open communication wasn’t the norm in our early lives or if prior attempts to express ourselves were met with confusion, disdain, apathy, or anger. If it was unsafe to communicate feelings in the past, it can be all the more challenging to express them now.

Releasing long held emotional baggage can also connect us with deep feelings of grief and loss.  What do we have if we let go of the things that take up so much of us?  It is important to honor this loss and the feelings that come along with it.  Even if we do not particularly like what we are holding onto, our pain is part of us and may feel like it makes us who we are.  Letting go may feel like losing our roots, our very foundation. So it is vital that we find ways to ground ourselves – in our bodies and to the solidness of the earth.

Of course, none of this was going through my head during my sweat lodge experience.  I was in complete nervous system activation – and flight let me protect myself.  The following year I returned to the same retreat and the same dreaded sweat lodge.  The retreat really was lovely and I was determined to face my fears and release everything I was holding onto.  I spent the year connecting and building my yogi community, including those on the trip and the leaders.  I consciously chose to sit near the exit in case I felt claustrophobic or overwhelmed.  I continuously focused on feeling the ground beneath me and the wall supporting my back.  The safety and grounding that I established were enough to give way to the vulnerability of release and the wonderful freedom that it brought.  And I screamed my head off.  Aho!!

Elizabeth Campbell is a Licensed Profession Counselor who provides empowerment and strength-based support to individuals in personal growth and change.  She specializes in play therapy with children, family therapy, creative counseling for adolescents, and trauma-informed treatment for all ages using an integrative, mindful approach to address the whole individual and promote healing. If you would like to connect with Elizabeth, reach out at elizabeth@elizabethcampbellcounseling.com or 610-757-8163 or learn more at www.elizabethcampbellcounseling.com.

"Time In"

by Barbra Danin, LMFT, Clinical Art Therapist

When my kids become wild and unruly, I use a nice, safe playpen. When they're finished, I climb out. – by Erma Bombeck

As parents, we have a mission to raise our children be independent, strong responsible and resilient.  In order for children to be successful and happy, they require tools to assist them in achieving their hopes and dreams.  Many parents find that they cannot fall back on the child rearing strategies they learned from their parents.  Children’s issues, needs, and understanding of themselves are different today, and they require different parenting approaches.

Ongoing positive encounters and meaningful communication between parents and children are some of the most effective means of building trusting relationships.  While limits and consequences are helpful for many children in order to help them learn to function in the world, for many children those strategies are ineffective, because children’s negative behaviors have emotional underpinnings. When a child is upset (or most of us, for that matter), the emotional part of the brain takes over, blocking the ability to think clearly.  When a child is acting out, they are incapable of thinking clearly and logically.  Often consequences, imparted when children are upset, are experienced as punishment, which makes them feel more upset. This can cause an escalation of the negative behavior. Conventional wisdom has touted “Time Out” as one of the most effective and necessary strategies for disciplining children.  When a child is sent away, however, many feel rejected and ashamed, leading to an escalation of their negative behavior.  The child often feels rejected and misunderstood.  Additionally, many children forget why they have been sent to “time out”, and are left with confusion and resentment.  These feelings all impact the child’s self-esteem, and the consequence fails to achieve the intended goal. 

While it is important to confront negative behavior immediately when it occurs, for many, a more effective way to do so is with “Time In”.  Rather than sending the child away, the focus of “Time In” is connecting with the child to help them calm down and then gain an understanding of their feelings and behaviors.  During a “Time In” the child and parent sit together, while the parent offers support and understanding, and helps the child to self soothe.  Many worry that “Time In” strategies reinforce the negative behavior; however, the goal of “Time In” is to simply help the child calm down, so that they can think more clearly. After the child has calmed down and can be rational, a productive discussion of what occurred can be effective.  Appropriate consequences can then help teach the child valuable lessons.

Barbra Danin, LMFT, incorporates Art Therapy & EMDR in treating children as young as 3, and keeps parents very involved in the process.  “As children’s brains are still forming, they quickly absorb the tools and interventions offered with Art Therapy & EMDR.”   Barbra can be reached at: bdanin@barbradanin.com or (314) 477-8585. Learn more at www.barbradanin.com  

Boundaries Are Essential Self-Care

by Jen Perry, MSEd, MA, LPC

Boundaries are a natural part of life and relationships. There are physical boundaries like our skin and personal space, boundaries on our time, financial boundaries, interpersonal boundaries. Dr. Brené Brown simply defines boundaries as what’s ok and what’s not ok ~  “Yes” and “No.” Being aware of and becoming skillful at communicating clearly our boundaries is well worth the effort and can save us from much stress and bewilderment in our relationships.

Unfortunately, most of us are not taught to be thoughtful and communicative about our boundaries, nor aware and respectful of others’ boundaries. Boundaries seem to be largely taken for granted, and this is fine when things are going smoothly. There is an underlying assumption that we should know other people’s boundaries and they should know ours (mind-reading, anyone?). However, when an unspoken boundary has been breached, there is usually an emotional flare that alerts us to the need to speak up and assert a boundary. This can be difficult if we are not trained to think of boundaries in this way ~ as something that we need to maintain and make others aware of. Instead, we often get upset that others don’t know our boundaries and don’t observe them. As Dr. Brown says, we believe that “people are sucking on purpose just to piss us off.” There is another way.  What if we assume that people have a low awareness of boundaries in general - and that, therefore, it is up to us to firmly let others know what’s okay and what’s not okay? And what if we also assume that we may not know their boundaries either - not until they tell us. Whew ~ can you feel the generosity of spirit in that? That people, us included, are generally doing the best they can, and a lack of clarity about boundaries (not bad intentions)  may be at the root of much misunderstanding.

The ability to know and state our boundaries clearly is an essential part of taking care of ourselves and lowering our stress levels. Instead of getting all muddled in the emotional fallout and confusion interpersonally, we can assert and observe our stated boundary. It clarifies things, takes away the complicated guessing and shadow-boxing we get ourselves into when things are unclear and bewildering. Essentially, our boundaries take care of us. Being able to clearly and without guilt assert our boundaries can drastically lower our stress levels.

A word about guilt in this situation. We desperately need a new word in the English language. For example, let’s say my mother really, really wants me to attend a family reunion. Something happened and communication faltered somewhere and I promised my kids and husband that we would go out of town that same weekend. Someone is going to be let down. There is a space/time/energy/can’t-be-two-places-at-once boundary at play here. Ugh, but I. Feel. So. Guilty. “Guilty” is the word commonly used in this situation. I haven’t done anything wrong. I have not done something for which guilt is appropriate. The word we need is more about the feeling we get when we disappoint someone because we we are constrained by a personal boundary. In this case, I want to follow through on what I promised my kids and I need to let my mom down. If I am afraid to tell my mom (or friend, sister, co-worker, etc) because I feel guilty and am confused about and unskilled at communicating boundaries, it leaves so much room for confusion and stress. If I’m avoiding the situation, my mom will start wondering why I won’t answer her calls, let her know when I’m coming, or tell her if I’ll bring the broccoli salad. She will start to get irritated. I’ll get irritated too: “Doesn’t she know I’m busy and overwhelmed?” No, actually, she isn’t thinking about that. She can’t read my mind, and I’m being sketchy because I’m avoiding feeling guilty and letting her down. Instead, I could offer her empathy and sit in the discomfort of disappointing her. I could let her know my boundary. Accepting that boundaries are a normal and natural part of life relieves us ~ not of our obligation to communicate early and often, but of feeling guilty and confused and bewildered by our own boundaries and others’.

Some thoughts about how to increase your skillfulness around sensing and communicating your boundaries clearly:

Seek your truth so you can speak your truth: Check in with yourself, get a sense moment to moment of what is okay with you and what’s not okay. What does your inner compass say? Yes? No? Remember, many (not all) boundaries are fluid and flexible. Sometimes we need to live our way into answers about our boundaries ~ it is important to continue to ask ourselves what is alive for us in the moment as we are figuring out our boundaries. Ask for time if you need it as you are figuring out what works for you and what doesn’t. Dare to ask yourself, “What do I truly want to do in this situation?”

Assume that the other person is doing the best they can. They most likely have a low awareness of your boundaries and other constraints on your energy and time. Remind yourself that boundaries are a natural and normal part of life and you, too, are doing the best you can. Remember we need a new word ~ it is normal and okay for our boundaries to disappoint others sometimes. We can offer empathy for this without resentment, guilt, or beating ourselves up.

Try your best to separate the boundary from your feelings about it. This can be a little tricky to understand. An emotion, particularly a strong, negative emotion is often a signal, a flare, that a boundary needs to be stated and maintained. Take care of your feelings separately from maintaining and communicating about your boundary. They are two separate things. Accept the fact that in our society humans are pretty confused about boundaries in general, violations will happen, and clear, consistent reminders may be necessary.

Kindly but firmly state your boundaries. Repeat as necessary.

Please keep in mind that this article focused on addressing boundaries between people on the level of preferences and negotiating things like time, energy, and other finite resources that are a part of everyday living - NOT on instances that are abusive or toxic. Boundary violations that are harmful or hurtful need to be dealt with far more strongly to ensure safety. Please reach out if you are experiencing more complex and toxic boundary violations. Your safety is essential.

Jen Perry, MSEd, MA, LPC has been a psychotherapist for over 18 years. She specializes in helping highly sensitive people thrive in love, work, and parenting highly sensitive children. Jen is passionate about using mindfulness and compassion-based approaches to ameliorate human suffering. She can be reached at jen@heartfulnessconsulting.com  or 215-292-5056. Learn more at www.heartfulnessconsulting.com.

A Satisfying Ending Needs A Good Beginning

by Tracie Nichols

A few years ago I drove my youngest son to New England to start a dream summer job at a mountain bike park.

My son loves downhill biking. LOVES it. He’d be working with a good friend. They’d found an apartment they could share. He could save money for school and do something he loves all summer long. On paper, this seemed like a charmed opportunity for him.

The trip was a disaster in nearly every way possible.

Esme, my faithful orange car, broke down. When we finally reached his apartment the landlord was unprepared and unavailable, meaning no key and no moving in. This after many text messages confirming our arrival time. At the mountain, his future boss was out sick. He couldn’t check in and get his work schedule or his ride pass so he couldn't be at the mountain that day.

Marooned with no place to be, we stood there at the base of the mountain he'd hoped to be riding all summer, worried and bewildered.

It felt like a truly awful beginning, but it was really a truly awful ending to a journey begun without focused attention from everyone involved. The beginning actually happened weeks before; a tiny trail of haphazard communication among just my son and his friend.

They were communicating through the exhaustion and worry of their finals, the busyness of a sister’s graduation and the chaos of visiting family. Their passion and enthusiasm were driving the bus. Thoughtfulness was half a mile behind, out of breath and losing ground fast. Despite good intentions, this bus had “Yikes!” written all over it.

All of us had divided attention when talking about this opportunity: kids, parents, landlords and employers. As my son and I stood at the bottom of the mountain that day, we both realized we’d had gut feelings of unease we shrugged off because everything looked good on the surface. And, because it seemed like such an exciting, not-to-be-missed opportunity.

What we all learned from our experience is that beginnings have their best chance of becoming satisfying endings when everyone involved commits their full, thoughtful attention to the planning process. If they share gut feelings as they arise, and respectfully call out anyone who isn’t fully participating.

Clear, honest communication is essential at every step. I know that seems obvious, but you’d be surprised how many endeavors are launched driven by passion and enthusiasm without the map of thoughtful, honest communication.

The next time you’re beginning something new, anything from getting a new dog to transitioning out of a corporate job to open your own business, here are a few suggestions for making it a good beginning:

1.     Check in with your intuition and ask if this project is truly viable. If it involves considerable resources and affects the lives of other people, consider verifying your choice with trusted advisors.

2.     Ask yourself what a satisfying journey will look and feel like. How would you like this process to end? Be sure you have a clearly drawn map, and then turn your passion loose to keep you moving.

3.     Enjoy your passion and enthusiasm, and consciously invite your mind and intuition to join the party. (Deep breaths can help navigate over-exuberant enthusiasm.)

4.     Think about who needs to be part of the conversation. Does it feel realistic to ask for their focused attention for this project? If not, is there someone else you can invite?

5.     Pause often and ask yourself if you are fully present. Are mind, enthusiasm and gut all paying attention? How about everyone else?

6.     Enjoy the ride!

Tracie Nichols is a holistic business coach offering coaching that’s comfortably practical with its roots in nature-informed solutions. She helps body-centered practitioners and highly sensitive women build successful businesses guided by the wisdom of their bodies and the natural world. You can learn more or drop her a line at TracieNichols.com.

Setting Intentions as a Catalyst for Growth

Setting Intentions as a Catalyst for Growth
by Jennifer Perry

Welcome to March! Our theme this month is fittingly “Growth: Thought into Action”.  I love March and looking for the first signs of Spring. Small flowers that start to come up, even as they are covered in snow from a late winter storm. While it may not seem like it, according to the winds and bluster that accompany March, I think of the small snowdrops and crocus as Mother Nature’s intentions of Spring.   

Intention is defined in three ways: 1) a thing intended, an aim or plan; 2) the purpose or attitude toward the effect of one’s actions or conduct; 3) the healing process of a wound.  This Spring, I have a new offering. It was once a thought, then an intention, and is now an action! I am offering a 10 week Peaceful Parent Coaching Program. One of my favorite pieces of the program is sharing with parents how to have “Empowered Conversations” that both honor the authentic reactions of all parties AND seek to reach a peaceful resolution.

Setting an intention for a conversation is remarkably healing. Even the old, chronic arguments in relationships that seem beyond resolution not only can be healed but can be a catalyst for a deeper intimacy and growth. The conversation starts with an intention.  Even in the most conflictual of impasses that can occur between spouses, parents and children, friends and other family members, an intention can reach out like a small flower in the midst of the iciest storm.

Imagine starting a conversation with: “My intention is … to clear the air with you … to come up with a solution together … to remember that we are on the same team and we love each other ...” Conversations, especially conflictual ones, have an energy all of their own. We often get caught up in the moment, saying things we don’t necessarily mean but say “for argument’s sake” or to prove our point. This dynamic turns what could be a collaborative-spirited, problem-solving, empowered conversation into one full of sharp words that invalidate each other and pits loved ones into the positions of adversaries. We don’t need to be too hard on ourselves about this. It is part of our human natures. However, we can consciously set an intention to help us remember where we are, what end we seek, and how we influence each other - keeping in mind the real prize: empowered, connected conversations with our loved ones with enough spaciousness for everyone’s feelings and needs.

In going through the 10 weeks of the Peaceful Parent Program myself with my own family, I know first hand how difficult old habits can be to change. But with intention they certainly can change.

Experiment with a few of the suggestions below for empowered conversations (adapted from the Jai Parent Institute and Non-Violent Communication: 

• Breathe and notice ~ as you are talking to your loved one keep your breath and body sensations in your awareness. If you notice yourself getting hijacked by the argumentative process, stop. Take a sip of water, notice it out loud: “I’m getting worked up and unproductive, let’s take a break and come back in a few minutes.”
• State your intention ~ and restate as many times as necessary. Your intention is a guide for the entire conversation. Encourage your loved one to state an intention as well.
• Take responsibility for your part ~ own any fears that are pulling you into combative mode and anything that is affecting how you show up to the conversation. This also helps your loved one understand where you are coming from.
• State your feelings and needs ~ we can argue about rules and points of view but feelings and needs just are. Get clear on what your own feelings and needs are and practice communicating them.
• Offer empathy for your loved one’s feelings and needs ~ Imagine how they must be feeling and given who they are, how they experience the situation.  Ask them if your understanding is correct and resonates with them. This is fertile ground for intimacy and respectful problem solving.
• Make a request ~ after laying down the groundwork (it gets easier and more natural with practice!) make a request in the spirit of collaboration toward a common goal. “Would you be willing ….” is an excellent way to clarify and move forward together.

Jennifer Perry, MA, LPC, is a Licensed Professional Counselor, Mindfulness Teacher and Peaceful Parenting Coach. Using Mindfulness and Acceptance and Commitment strategies she helps clients relate to themselves and their experiences with compassion in order live full and meaningful lives. She builds on her clients’ values and strengths and teaches them mindfulness and creative problem-solving skills, empowering them to find authentic self-expression in the world. Her approach balances the desire for personal growth and change with acceptance and loving-kindness for self and others. Contact her at jen@heartfulnessconsulting.com and 215-292-5056.

 

New 10 Week Peaceful Parenting Program

Is parenting more difficult than you ever imagined?  Do you react to your child in ways that you feel horrible about later?  Do you long for connection and cooperation with your child but find yourself relying on techniques that seem to pit you against each other, locked in a seemingly endless battle? There is help. You can learn the practice of peaceful parenting. You can learn tools and techniques supported by the latest brain science to infuse your parenting with more mindfulness, presence, attunement, and connection. You can parent from a place of love, not fear; cooperation, not coercion. A peaceful home is possible! Parenting is a journey, a practice. You can get support so that you can:

• Learn to address your triggers as a parent.
• Become your child's emotion coach and learn an empowering communication style based on feelings and needs.
• Discover and articulate your family's values and use them to set limits that peacefully stick.
• Explore and manage anger in healthy ways and repair the inevitable ruptures that occur.
• Shift from a dominant, "power-over" paradigm to a peaceful parenting paradigm.

To learn more contact Jen Perry at 215-292-5056 or jen@heartfulnessconsulting.com
  

 

A Few Simple Yet Effective Communication Techniques with Children and Adolescents

by Kathleen Krol, MSS, LCSW, RPT-S

Merriam-Webster defines communication as “the act or process of using words, sounds, signs, or behaviors to exchange information or to express ideas, thoughts, and feelings to someone else.” When we are communicating well, both parties walk away with the same understanding from the conversation. However, many times we may find ourselves working to express ourselves but not feeling heard – and hearing another person talking without really comprehending what it is they are trying to say.  

Clear communication can be lost along the way when we are busy and caught up in the daily in and out of our routines. For adults interacting with children, there are added complexities. What follows are some strategies for communicating effectively with young people.

Sometimes just changing the words you use or how you say them can make a small but significant change in your interaction with your children.  Praise and positive reinforcement for what your child is doing well are usually more effective than emphasizing what your child is doing wrong. Try to avoid negatively phrased words such as “CAN’T,” as in “You can’t do that!”   The child hears the negative “can’t” and may respond defensively by acting out. Instead, give choices and alternatives when directing your child to stop certain behaviors: “Your ball is for playing with outside.” “What do you want to play with instead: your trucks or your dollhouse?”

Children often have problems with sense of time and their need for immediate gratification. You can help them by giving them a timeframe when they can have what it is that they are requesting: “Right now, I need to cook dinner. After we eat, I can play that game with you.”

Finally, give your children your full attention and eye contact when they’re upset. Children often act out because they feel uncomfortable inside and don’t know how to put their feelings into words.  You can acknowledge your child’s feelings without accepting their behavior. Acknowledging that you hear their feelings often calms a child who is upset more than yelling, ignoring or punishing the crying behaviors.  You can say things like “You really wanted to go outside to play.  You’re feeling mad that you can’t go outside. I see how upset that makes you.” If the behavior continues, setting a limit or giving a time-out may be needed, but taking these other steps first may reduce the intensity of the tantrum before it escalates. 

With teenage children, power struggles and overloaded schedules add complexity to interactions and communication. When talking with teens, it can be helpful to take the following factors into consideration:

1

           Teens want to feel heard. They often feel more heard when adults are mindfully present, listening without an immediate need to reassure, give advice, make assumptions, and point out the negative.

2 

      Agree to disagree. Choose your battles. Remember your relationships with your own parents as a teen. Is winning the battle more important or having the relationship with your child years later?

3 

      Think of the teen years as the rewind of the “terrible two’s”, where children fluctuate between needing the parent and asserting their own will. Although this can be one of the more difficult childhood phases for parents and teens to navigate together, it is important to remember that your teen is pushing and asserting and experimenting as a way to build a confident adult identity. When teens navigate this phase successfully (with your support), they transition into independent, well-functioning adults.  

4

      When conversation becomes a power struggle, pause the conversation. The rational part of the brain has shut down, and the amygdala or emotional part of the brain can’t process or rationalize what you are saying. It can only react with more emotion. Don’t keep at it. Instead,  take a breath, walk away, and come back to the situation when everyone is calmer.

Kathleen Krol is a Licensed Clinical Social Worker and Registered Play Therapist-Supervisor, who works with children, adolescents and families.  Kathleen uses family therapy with the parent and child to discuss and problem-solve issues, play therapy and sandtray therapy with the child to help them work through difficult feelings, gain self-mastery and confidence and heal from loss and trauma, and parent coaching to provide parenting techniques and support for parents. Adolescent therapy may include talk and cognitive therapy, sand tray, mindfulness techniques, trauma art narrative therapy and EMDR. For a free consultation to learn more about any of these treatment approaches, please contact Kathleen at 215-289-3101 or kasiakrol17@verizon.net. You can also learn more at www.KathleenKrol.com