Changing Seasons and Shifting Gears

by Kathleen Krol, LCSW, RPT-S

It is nearly Labor Day already! How did another summer go by so fast, when just yesterday seemed like Memorial Day? 

We may look forward to the cooler, less humid days, changing colors of Autumn and the children heading back to school. Even so, it can still be hard to shift gears from the more laid back, relaxed pace of summer to the more structured and busy days of fall with its fuller work schedule, children’s after-school activities, sports, and homework, and the soon-to-be holiday season. We may appreciate the cooler weather and yet still dread the thought of longer nights and more time indoors, especially post-pandemic. 

Humans are wired for familiarity and comfort, so change is challenging for all of us. This article focuses on three parts as we shift gears and transition to the fall: (1) Preparation (2) Mindset, and (3) Coping and support strategies for ease with the process.  

Preparation: Our bodies need to acclimate to an earlier bedtime and rising. This can take time. Start planning a week or more prior to any changes in schedule. If you know you have to wake up an hour or more earlier starting the Tuesday after Labor Day, you may want to progressively go to sleep earlier in increments of 15 to 30 minutes per day; likewise, you’ll want to gradually shift your morning wake-up time.  Remember to get your body ready for a shift to “sleep mode” an hour before bed, by turning off electronics including TV, dimming lights, and winding down with a calming, sedentary activity. If you are having a tough time getting yourself or your children to turn off electronics earlier, start reducing the amount of time gradually during weekdays and add on extra time on Friday or a weekend day. 

We all need motivators when facing a transition, whether returning to work after vacation time off or to school after summer break. As encouragement or incentive, maybe add a little something to your children’s lunch bag or backpack to start and end the week for the first few weeks. It might be a favorite snack, stickers, an emoji, a note saying “Great Job! You finished your first week!” Adults need support with transitions too - and subtle reminders that fun doesn’t have to end with the fall equinox. Why not plan a hike in the mountains or an evening out with friends for early October? Families may find it fun to celebrate the end of the first month of school and/or the return to work from vacation by scheduling a family fun or party theme night. It can be something to look forward to and have everyone involved in the planning - from making decorations, deciding on food, and choosing the games to play and movie to watch.  

Mindset:  The law of attraction suggests that our positive or negative thoughts have an impact on how we actually experience the moments of our lives. When we look for negative, we often find it. Conversely, when we look through eyes of optimism, we may find the silver lining in even the bleakest times. While we cannot control or stop all negative circumstances from happening and will undoubtedly be upset about disruptions, detours, and painful events, we do have some control over how quickly we are able to embrace the natural feelings that arise and move past them. We can also reframe a situation by expanding our lens to see the potential positive in addition to the downside. As we enter the fall, what mindset do you have about this transition? Do you dread longer nights and time indoors or do you see opportunities to catch up on movies and reading, call friends or family, enjoy hot chocolate and apple cider, walk through the leaves, or snuggle up in a cozy blanket or near a fireplace? 

Have you thought about how you want the fall and remaining months of 2022 to go? Maybe summer went by too fast and you don’t even know where it went? Often life is like this. Wasn’t just yesterday the beginning of the new year? Why is it we only talk about resolutions when we trade in one year’s calendar for a new one? What if you allowed yourself some time for brief reflection with each season throughout the year, accepting the seasonal changes as a reminder to set purposeful intentions for the months ahead?

Here are some questions you may choose to ask yourself: What do I hope for this fall for myself and/or my family? What is most important for me to happen so I will feel more contentment when this year ends? What has worked in the past that I want to continue? What did not work last year that I need to do differently? What is one step I can take to start within the next couple of weeks?  

You may want to empower your children and teens with related questions: How do they want the school year to begin and the year to finish? How can they make it happen? What ways can you support them? What worked well last year that might be duplicated and what would they like different for the coming school year?

Coping: Positive affirmations or mantras can be a wonderful way to start the day, as can keeping a daily journal and having a regular meditation practice. You may want to pick something that can be your anchor throughout the day and every day. Like an anchor assists a ship in remaining stable through a storm, your anchor is what you go back to when you start to feel overwhelmed, stressed, or distracted. Your anchor could include any of the following suggestions or be something unique to you. It may be breath, feeling your heart center, movement, a scent, or a visual cue. Like meditation, when you start to feel the sensation of being ungrounded, bring your attention back to your chosen anchor and the current moment.  

A similar concept to an anchor is having a relaxation cue. Usually this is a visual cue that you might see throughout the day. Each time you see the object, it cues you to take a one-minute body scan for any tension followed by use of breath and release of the tension or progressive muscle relaxation for the tense part. Your visual relaxation cue might be the time display on your laptop, a watch or a ring, a picture, or object. Periodically doing one minute body scans and taking a conscious breath to release tension can support you in reducing any emotional stress you are holding in your body and increasing self-awareness about times when you feel relaxed - and moments when tension begins to build.
Finally, remember to have compassion and kindness for your partner, your children, and, most importantly, for yourself. Transitions and change in life can be challenging. If nothing else, give yourself credit for making it through each day: You are managing the best you can and even better than you think you are!

Kathleen Krol is a Licensed Clinical Social Worker, Certified EMDR Therapist and a Registered Play Therapist/Supervisor with 20 years of experience in the counseling field.  She collaborates with clients across the lifespan including adults, children, teens, and families using a family focused and integrative approach to treatment. Areas of expertise include trauma, anxiety, phobias, depression, grief/loss and adoption and attachment issues. She specializes in EMDR for all ages, Family Therapy, Play Therapy, Sand Tray and Sand Focusing Therapy and Parent Coaching. To learn more, go to www.kathleenkrol.com or contact her at kasiakrol17@verizon.net or 215-289-3101#1 for a phone consultation.

Unconditional Love~ Parenting a child with explosive behavior

by Lisa Grant-Feeley, MS, LPC

If you’re a parent, you might never forget the first moment you saw your child and the wave of love that overtook you in that instant. Simultaneously, with the wave of awe and amazement came a jolt of terror as you recognized the responsibility loving - and raising - this tiny child would bring.  Many parents take that responsibility to heart and want to do the best they are able for their child.  Some have already had success in raising happy, well-adjusted children and are bewildered when a younger child struggles with behaviors they have never seen before.

Why does my child struggle when plans change?  Why does my child become so incredibly frustrated when things don’t go as expected?  How can my child scream, “I hate you!” or “You’re the worst mother (father) in the world!”  Or worse, how can my child hit, kick, throw things at me?  These are questions many parents ask themselves when their child has explosive behaviors.  In fairness, it is difficult to understand how the same parents can have success with some of their children and not with all of their children. 

According to Dr. Ross Greene, children who exhibit these behaviors typically have underdeveloped skills in the areas of frustration tolerance, flexilibity/adaptability and problem solving, which means they don’t have the skills needed to manage many of life’s unavoidable situations.  Situations that require them to be adaptable or flexible, or to be able to manage frustration that occurs in an average day, or are confronted by a problem they need to solve.  These children are doing the best that they are able with the only “skills” they have. 

When we understand that our child is struggling to find a way to manage a difficult life situation, but doesn’t have the necessary skills, it is easier for us to support our child who is explosively showing us the intensity of that struggle.  Seeing our child as doing the best they are able, allows us to provide the unconditional love we felt the first time we saw them.

Lisa Grant-Feeley is a Licensed Professional Counselor who specializes in working with children who exhibit explosive behaviors and their families. Many of these children also struggle with symptoms of ADHD. Focusing on strengths, she helps families develop proactive solutions and develop skills needed to manage struggles.  For more information, please contact her at 267-625-2565.

A Few Simple Yet Effective Communication Techniques with Children and Adolescents

by Kathleen Krol, MSS, LCSW, RPT-S

Merriam-Webster defines communication as “the act or process of using words, sounds, signs, or behaviors to exchange information or to express ideas, thoughts, and feelings to someone else.” When we are communicating well, both parties walk away with the same understanding from the conversation. However, many times we may find ourselves working to express ourselves but not feeling heard – and hearing another person talking without really comprehending what it is they are trying to say.  

Clear communication can be lost along the way when we are busy and caught up in the daily in and out of our routines. For adults interacting with children, there are added complexities. What follows are some strategies for communicating effectively with young people.

Sometimes just changing the words you use or how you say them can make a small but significant change in your interaction with your children.  Praise and positive reinforcement for what your child is doing well are usually more effective than emphasizing what your child is doing wrong. Try to avoid negatively phrased words such as “CAN’T,” as in “You can’t do that!”   The child hears the negative “can’t” and may respond defensively by acting out. Instead, give choices and alternatives when directing your child to stop certain behaviors: “Your ball is for playing with outside.” “What do you want to play with instead: your trucks or your dollhouse?”

Children often have problems with sense of time and their need for immediate gratification. You can help them by giving them a timeframe when they can have what it is that they are requesting: “Right now, I need to cook dinner. After we eat, I can play that game with you.”

Finally, give your children your full attention and eye contact when they’re upset. Children often act out because they feel uncomfortable inside and don’t know how to put their feelings into words.  You can acknowledge your child’s feelings without accepting their behavior. Acknowledging that you hear their feelings often calms a child who is upset more than yelling, ignoring or punishing the crying behaviors.  You can say things like “You really wanted to go outside to play.  You’re feeling mad that you can’t go outside. I see how upset that makes you.” If the behavior continues, setting a limit or giving a time-out may be needed, but taking these other steps first may reduce the intensity of the tantrum before it escalates. 

With teenage children, power struggles and overloaded schedules add complexity to interactions and communication. When talking with teens, it can be helpful to take the following factors into consideration:

1

           Teens want to feel heard. They often feel more heard when adults are mindfully present, listening without an immediate need to reassure, give advice, make assumptions, and point out the negative.

2 

      Agree to disagree. Choose your battles. Remember your relationships with your own parents as a teen. Is winning the battle more important or having the relationship with your child years later?

3 

      Think of the teen years as the rewind of the “terrible two’s”, where children fluctuate between needing the parent and asserting their own will. Although this can be one of the more difficult childhood phases for parents and teens to navigate together, it is important to remember that your teen is pushing and asserting and experimenting as a way to build a confident adult identity. When teens navigate this phase successfully (with your support), they transition into independent, well-functioning adults.  

4

      When conversation becomes a power struggle, pause the conversation. The rational part of the brain has shut down, and the amygdala or emotional part of the brain can’t process or rationalize what you are saying. It can only react with more emotion. Don’t keep at it. Instead,  take a breath, walk away, and come back to the situation when everyone is calmer.

Kathleen Krol is a Licensed Clinical Social Worker and Registered Play Therapist-Supervisor, who works with children, adolescents and families.  Kathleen uses family therapy with the parent and child to discuss and problem-solve issues, play therapy and sandtray therapy with the child to help them work through difficult feelings, gain self-mastery and confidence and heal from loss and trauma, and parent coaching to provide parenting techniques and support for parents. Adolescent therapy may include talk and cognitive therapy, sand tray, mindfulness techniques, trauma art narrative therapy and EMDR. For a free consultation to learn more about any of these treatment approaches, please contact Kathleen at 215-289-3101 or kasiakrol17@verizon.net. You can also learn more at www.KathleenKrol.com

Awareness

By Katie May

We all experience feelings, both positive and negative. Being mindfully aware means having the ability to acknowledge these feelings without judging them or trying to change them. Helping children feel understood and validating their feelings is the first step in decreasing tantrums and acting out behaviors.

As a parent, you are the mirror for your child's emotions. From birth, your child has learned about his or her feelings in terms of how you have responded to them. Teaching children how to recognize and identify their feelings is the building block for emotional regulation. The most helpful way to do this is to verbally reflect what you think they are feeling at any given moment. The first step in achieving this harmony is to tune in to how your child is feeling.

When your child was an infant, you may have learned to decipher different cries or sounds that let you know your child was hungry, wet or tired. By tuning in, you can continue to use your parental instincts to decode your child or teen's feelings. Look at your child's face for clues to her feelings. Is she pouting? Smiling? Rolling her eyes? Take note of any noises your child may make that will let you know what emotion he is experiencing. Do you hear a grunt of frustration? A gasp of surprise? Certain words or phrases can clue you in to your child's feelings as well. "I hate you" can mean "I'm angry at you and I don't know how to express that."

Finally, a child's actions will most times speak louder than his or her words. Tantrums are an outward expression of a child's pain, rejection, frustration or anger. Isolating, cutting and risk-taking behaviors are a teen's way of letting you know that he or she does not feel balanced emotionally.  For the next week, take note of your child's feelings. Just the simple act of tuning in to the way he or she feels will begin to change your interactions for the better. 

The Resiliency Center has a variety of services to help you learn more about how to listen to and respond to your child in a way that makes him or her feel safe and understood, including Family Therapy and Parent Coaching.  If your child is struggling with how to recognize, identify and manage intense emotions, individual therapy can benefit your child.  It will help you find ways to connect with him or her while developing ways for you and your child to feel happier. 

Katie K. May is a Nationally Certified, Licensed Professional Counselor who specializes in working with children and adolescents.  She uses play therapy and expressive arts activities to help clients communicate difficult emotions and decrease problem behaviors.  Katie offers individual therapy for children ages 3 through 19, as well as a Teen Group Therapy Circle, a Creative Kids Yoga Story Time and a Mindfulness-Based Expressive Arts for Stress Reduction program for Teens.  Contact:  Katie@creativehealingphilly.com or610-813-2575.  Seewww.creativehealingphilly.com for more details on services and programs offered by Katie K. May.

Playing with Qi Gong - by Karen Steinbrecher

Bring joy into your being.  Visualize your child within.

Bring joy into your heart as you practice Qigong.  Do this around children and watch the difference in the way that they respond to you.  Watch how differently they may react to one another in your presence.  Practicing and dancing the healing dance of Qigong works on adults as well.  It helps us let go of  stress, pain, worries.  It is so simple, amazing.  But you must practice.

Remember that as a child you played with the world around you?  You may have imitated a bird’s song, trying to fly like a bird up and up towards heaven and then gently (sometimes) landing on Earth.  When we practice Qigong, we connect with Heaven and Earth, Yang and Yin.  As a child did you chase a wave, toss stones, or did you run away from the wind, or did you race with it?   Let us bring it back, return to that feeling of freedom, that letting go, and connection to your being, you.  This is healing for all beingness.  As adults we often forget to include joy and play in our lives. Let us let go and be. That is part of the essence of this healing dance called Qigong.

Practicing Qigong with regularity can bring you in touch with the common sense that is your nature, a common sense that may become less common as the pace and pressures of life continue to increase.  How we feel and what we think has a powerful effect on our word as well as upon our ability to heal.  The ancient sages of China believed that thinking was a form of Qi.  Our thought and attitudes do influence not only our own bodies, but everyone and everything around us.  Qigong reminds us of this in a very tangible way because its slow, flowing movements and deep breathwork help us to return and get in touch with our connection to the world around us.  Qigong can be a tool, a strategy for freedom from our cage of isolation.

Qigong practice brings you into a relaxed state, the deep breathing oxygenates  your body. Qigong can motivate healing and inner transformation.  It cannot really be explained; it can only be experienced.

I invite you to play Qigong and breathe deeply.  Let us dance this beautiful exercise together. With each and every breath that you take, think of filling an empty glass.  The glass is empty, and as you breathe deeply you fill it from bottom to top with oxygen and Qi.  Then empty from top to bottom.  Gently move your diaphragm down, inhale and pull it up, then exhale.  Notice the feeling of the air, the Qi, moving in and out, your body and brain relaxing.  Practice this balanced breathing, this conscious breathing towards Healing and Peace and Alignment and Love.

Karen Steinbrecher practices, leads, and teaches QiGong at the Resiliency Center on Thursdays at 2:00 pm and 6:15 pm. The class fee is ten dollars for a 50-55 minute class.    RSVP in advance by contacting Karen at karensteinbrecher@msn.com

Get off the Merry-Go-Round of Life to Rediscover Your Children - by Jeff Katowitz

          The life of a parent can sometimes be described as like being on a merry-go-round that just never stops. Racing around in the mornings, afternoons and evenings. Where are we supposed to be and what is demanded of us? Who needs me and how and what do I need to prioritize? With the mundane tasks, responsibilities that seem to never end we tend to get caught or trapped on the merry-go-round of life and miss out on making sure that we reconnect and nurture important relationships.

      It is important for all of us who have children to consider taking a journey back to them. What this essentially means is that many of us are gradually distancing ourselves from what we covet the most, we’re just not aware that it is happening. This process occurs as we rarely get a chance to evaluate and remind ourselves of what is most meaningful. It’s time for us to pay closer attention and to work towards understanding and appreciating where our children are in their development. Begin to look more closely at how our involvement in their lives on a consistent basis can impact their mood, grades, relationships, physical health, motivation and overall behavior.

     Consider conducting a self-evaluation of how much we really know what is going on our children’s lives. Do we know who their friends are? Did we know that they got an “A” on their last spelling test? When was the last time we read to them, threw a ball, colored, went to the movies? Oh, here’s a good one – how about asking ourselves when was the last time we had a meaningful conversation with our child?

     If you answered “I don’t know” or “no” to some of these questions you may want to take notice and evaluate more closely your relationships with your children. Ask yourself the question “what role am I playing in the life of my children?” Perhaps circumstances make it difficult for you to connect with your children due to a myriad of reasons, but begin to examine if changes need to be made in order to be more accessible to them and identify their needs.

      Here are a few simple suggestions of how to increase your involvement and connection with your children. Start a process of consistent communication with each of them. It can be a simple comment or initiating a dialogue with them that shows that you care and notice them. “You look really cool in that jacket.” “I heard you did well on your quiz yesterday,” “How was your day?” You can also try to tell them how much they mean to you. “You know, you are really important to me and I hope we can begin spending more time together – what do you think?” Remember, it doesn’t require a great deal of effort to embark on that journey back into their lives. You just have to be willing to step off of the merry-go-round for a while and take notice.

Jeff Katowitz, LMFT is a licensed Marriage and Family Therapist providing individual, couples, and family counseling. Specialities include adolescent development, separation, divorce, adoption, blended families, grief and loss, and families in transition.