Excerpt from The Velveteen Rabbit - by Margery Williams

Source: Good Quotes

"What is REAL?" asked the Rabbit one day, when they were lying side by side near the nursery fender, before Nana came to tidy the room. "Does it mean having things that buzz inside you and a stick-out handle?"

"Real isn't how you are made," said the Skin Horse. "It's a thing that happens to you. When a child loves you for a long, long time, not just to play with, but Really loves you, then you become Real."

"Does it hurt?" asked the Rabbit.

"Sometimes," said the Skin Horse, for he was always truthful. "When you are Real you don't mind being hurt."

"Does it happen all at once, like being wound up," he asked, "or bit by bit?"

"It doesn't happen all at once," said the Skin Horse. "You become. It takes a long time. That's why it doesn't happen often to people who break easily, or have sharp edges, or who have to be carefully kept. Generally, by the time you are Real, most of your hair has been loved off, and your eyes drop out and you get all loose in the joints and very shabby. But these things don't matter at all, because once you are Real you can't be ugly, except to people who don't understand."

The Gifts of Darkness

by Elizabeth Venart

Maybe you have to know the darkness before you can appreciate the light. – Madeleine L’Engle

What does it mean to “know the darkness”? As this month steadily darkens until our shortest day on the Winter Solstice, I sat with this quote, reflecting on our relationship with light and dark. Is darkness something we ignore, avoid, dread, or try to escape? Or is it something we can welcome? I am struck by the dance we often do, the battle with the dark as it approaches, the push to do as much and as fast as always despite the decrease in daylight. While a seeing person may fear the dark or turn on more lights to obscure it, those born blind have a different relationship to the darkness. Although others imagined her inner world as a place of darkness, Helen Keller described it as rich and vibrant, “golden,” and a “God-made world.”

While we may find ourselves bracing in anticipation of the harsher realities of winter – with its cold and its dark, we have another choice. Instead of pushing against the natural rhythm of the season, we could find ways to accept winter for what it is - a time to start over and build to renewal in the spring.  We can seek new and creative ways to connect with the season and move within it, to celebrate the scarcity of light and welcome it into our daily lives with a different perspective.

First, we may find greater peace by simply accepting what is. There is less daylight in the winter months. Winter really calls our attention to the ecosystem in which we live. Instead of walking outside barefoot to get the mail, we must bundle up. Our bodies may tense at the feel of the cold air on our face and hands. Instead of wishing for summer’s light to return, what if we took time to appreciate the gifts of the longer nights ahead? Noticing our reactions and negative expectations, we can practice breathing into what is rather than bracing against, ignoring, or trying to change it. This is a mindfulness practice that helps with physical pain and can also support us in the changing of the seasons.

Accepting the darkness, we may begin opening to the gifts these shorter days can bring. The dark invites us to slow down, to rest and replenish our bodies and minds. Like the bear, our bodies may feel a pull to hibernate. Sleep may come earlier and be more restful in the darkness of the winter light. We may also feel pulled to stay indoors and cuddle up under blankets, make soup, and listen to music in the candlelight. In the quiet of the winter’s night, we have an opportunity to go within and reflect. For some, meditation practice may be deeper. Others may be inspired to write or draw, to create. Sinking into a favorite piece of poetry or prose offers another way to explore our inner world. Allow the rhythm and landscape of its words to sink into your being by reading it silently or aloud three times, underlining or highlighting phrases that ring true.

If you are struggling with the dark, you may want to get curious about what it is, specifically, that you “don’t like” about winter. You can then brainstorm creative solutions to address it.  For example, if you crave more time outside, you could consider getting outside at lunchtime, walking with friends in the early evening wearing headlamps, and stargazing. If, instead, you notice yourself missing time with friends, consider cultivating some new winter traditions for socializing –  invite friends and family for big Sunday dinners, go to the movies or host movie nights, enjoy singing around a piano or playing music by the fire.  If you are less active in the winter, consider joining a gym or sports league, ice skating, skiing, and sledding (not just for the kids!). Winter won’t offer us the summer barbecue, time at the pool, or a weekend at the beach – but it has the ability to be enriching and enjoyable in its own ways.  

Some of the feelings of being “down” in the winter light are connected to an expectations that we keep the same energy, pace, and routines as the rest of the year. However, for those with recurrent depression, the darker days may result in increased symptoms (Seasonal Affective Disorder).  In that case, solutions may include increasing exercise, modifying diet, considering medication, and using special light boxes (which have become much more affordable in recent years).

Finally, winter also offers us creative ways to bring in Light. The longer days and cooler nights invite us to build fires in our fireplaces and wood stoves, sit outside around a firepit, light a candle.  In the darkness of the New Moon of each winter month, we have our best chance to see the full tapestry of stars in the evening sky.  We can also practice laughter and laughter yoga as a way of bringing the energy of summer to our winter days and nights. Research has shown that 15-20 minutes per day of laughter boosts our immune system, improves our mood, brings pain relief, improves our outlook, and strengthens our heart. You need not rely on jokes or comedy – you can simply laugh. Our brains cannot tell the difference between real laughter and fake laughter – so practice fake laughing from your belly to feel better. Learn more [Insert link to: www.laughteryoga.org]

Brene Brown, author of The Gifts of Imperfection reflected, “Only when we are brave enough to explore the darkness will we discover the infinite power of our light.” In the darkness, we have an opportunity to meet ourselves – without the hums and noises of screens or lights or the sun. With less stimulation to our senses, we can come home to ourselves and our breathing. Sitting in the quiet, with only the faint light of a candle, we can begin to notice and feel our current state, reflecting on the question, “How am I?” with an earnest curiosity that may be challenging under the harsher lights of daytime.

Instead of using our energies to brace against the darkness that is winter, we may find greater satisfaction and peace if we instead embrace this season. May this winter bring you peace and a greater connection with your own inner radiance.

Elizabeth Venart is a Licensed Professional Counselor and the Founder and Director of The Resiliency Center. She is a Certified EMDR Therapist and EMDRIA-Approved Consultant who specializes in providing counseling and mentorship to other therapists and working to empower Highly Sensitive Persons to heal the wounds of the past so that they can embrace their gifts more fully and experience greater joy. Learn more at www.elizabethvenart.com.

Playfulness in Creativity and Problem-Solving

by Rachel Kobin 

Playfulness is a crucial part of what I do to help people tap into their creativity in the Philadelphia Writers Workshop. As children, we learn by playing. We aren't as focused on the results as we are on enjoying the process. As adults, we lose touch with this spirit of play, and this can make it harder to spark unbridled creativity. When we were four years old, did we sit down with our Play-Doh and think, "Now, let's make a sculpture so striking it will soon sit in a museum?" No, when we were kids, we enjoyed the feeling of having that dough in our hands, the color and the smell of it. We pushed it through a garlic press and to our delight it came out looking like miniature purple spaghetti (pasketti!). We showed our blobs of clay to our parents and told the stories behind them. We didn't compare ourselves to famous sculptors because we didn't know or care about who they were. We were too busy enjoying every moment of interacting with our clay to think about how our miraculous blobs might not compare to “Great Works of Art.”

Some writers come to my workshop with one purpose or a fixed idea of what kind of writer they are: One might want to write a personal essay and have it published in a prestigious magazine, while another might have family members who have said, "You should write a children's book in rhyme!" Focusing too much on a goal, especially if it didn't come from our own desires, can be paralyzing.

Throwing all expectations out the window helps us avoid this kind of trap, but it’s not easy to do on our own. Using exercises that seem silly like beginning our writing by pairing veggies with random verbs, help reacquaint us with the playfulness we knew and were often untaught throughout our formal education. Just last week in the Tuesday Night Workshop, we wrote stories about childhood without using the letter a. Activities like these trick our brains into liberating our creativity. By allowing ourselves to be silly, and not expecting our first efforts to even make any sense, we free ourselves to keep going, to get to the rough draft. Once we have our jumbled ideas down on paper in a rough draft, we can begin refining the writing to make it say what we originally intended.

I believe re-learning how to let go and have fun is a skill that can be applied to many situations, not only those in the arts. How often might we be missing a possible solution to a problem at work when we bypass the fun — the brainstorming, the drawing, the imagining? Stopping to play isn't a waste of time; it's a way of giving our brains time to juggle ideas around. Sometimes a masterpiece does emerge, and other times we just feel better, which, of all the worst case scenarios, is one we can simply enjoy. 

Rachel Kobin has been the Director of the Philadelphia Writers Workshop since 2010. Rachel uses the Amherst Artist & Writers Method to help writers of all levels claim or re-claim their unique voice. Through experimentation and play, writers of all genres and forms practice the elements of their craft in a supportive environment. Writers looking to develop new material and writers in the process of writing full-length manuscripts find the support they need to complete their projects. Learn more about workshops and private editing services at www.phillywriters.com. Contact Rachel at 610-449-3773 or Rachel@phillywriters.com.

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Embracing Impermanence

by Jen Perry

I remember a time in my late twenties when I caught myself saying for the upteenth time to someone, "Well, I'm in a transition period ..." and it occurred to me that I had been saying that for almost the past decade of my life! The energy with which I was using the phrase implied that I was in a state of suspension - that my life hadn't settled yet, hadn't really started yet. This underlying stance stood in basic denial of the fact that life is basically one continuous transition. Nothing that is alive is unchanging. Some transitions are relatively small and occur regularly ~ night into day, day into night ~ noise into silence, one breath into the next. Some transitions are very big and only occur once or maybe twice in a lifetime: graduations, marriages, births, deaths. There are a million transitions in-between. Daily, monthly, seasonally, yearly.

Where do you land in relationship to all of life's transitions? What are your underlying beliefs about them?

If you're like my younger self, there may be an underlying assumption that life should, at some point, stop being so transitional: that it should steady out, become a bit more unchanging.

It's natural that if that is your underlying assumption, the evidence in life it isn't true may be ... frustrating, overwhelming, scary, some sign that you are doing this life thing WRONG.

Many, many people struggle with change: don't like it, don't want it, and are frankly terrified of most of it. And yet, if we look around us, in our own lives, the lives of those around us, and to nature, change is indeed the only constant. In mindfulness, we call this impermanence.

Cultivating an accepting and appreciating attitude towards change or impermanence has been one of the most powerful and life-enhancing endeavors I have undertaken. It isn't easy, but we as humans are known for being able to do hard things once we set ourselves to it. There is an aspect of refusing to accept change that is entirely at odds with reality. As the saying not so gently goes: Let go or be dragged!

There is an old parable told in many cultures about a king who challenged his sage to find a magical ring in six months time. This ring, he said, had the power to make him happy when he was sad and sad when he was happy. The sage couldn't find the magical ring anywhere and as his deadline approached he went to one last jeweler to ask about the ring. This jeweler was quite wise and while he admitted that he had never heard of such a ring he took a plain gold band and inscribed on it This Too Shall Pass. The sage immediately felt the truth in the saying and took the ring confidently back to his king.

This knowledge and acceptance of change, of transitions, of impermanence can have a mercifully gentle quality to it. It urges us to fully savor and be present to the ordinary joys of every day while comforting us through difficult seasons of life.  It is a reminder to pay attention to joy, and that hard times and difficult moods, no matter how sharp and painful, do pass. We need this ring, this reminder, because it is part of our biology that memories are mood-congruent. When we are angry, or sad it is very difficult, if not impossible, to recall memories or times that were not so.  To be able to loosen our grip on how we think life "should" be it makes it easier to appreciate small joys even in the midst of great difficulty. This realization and acceptance of impermanence is what truly turns transitions into transformations, challenges into opportunities for growth,  and life experience into wisdom.

To implement this work into your life, I'd like to offer you this - when you realize you are in this space of a transition into the unknown, accept that nothing is permanent. You can then gracefully move into the conscious awareness that in this very space, there is room for a deeper soul transformation. A chance for personal growth, turning your life experiences into sage wisdom.

To learn more about Jen Perry, MA, MSEd, LPC [insert link to http://theresiliencycenter.com/practitioner/perry-jen/], please call 215-292-5056, email jen@heartfulnessconsulting.com, or visit www.heartfulnessconsulting.com

Acceptance

by Jeff Katowitz, LMFT, BSL

Acceptance tends to provide us with a map or path towards comfort and better health. Often times, what is on the other side of an uncomfortable event allows us to have a deeper and clearer understanding of what is ultimately important and valuable. As we begin a new year, there is a tendency to reflect back and evaluate what transpired during the previous year. We also examine and look forward to a new year, hoping to accomplish a series of goals, attend events and generally feel a sense of hope. We seek a “fresh start” or a new beginning. With great anticipation and yearning, we hope that our planning will yield experiences filling us with joy and satisfaction.

               

For many us, however, the previous year may not have been favorable. We may have experienced events or made poor decisions that leave us burdened with regret. To further our discomfort, we may focus on the new year with trepidation, anticipating that familiar negative experiences will resurface. There may be situations looming that we cannot avoid and therefore a “clean slate” outlook is diminished by what is on the horizon.

              

What if we were to simply say to ourselves “whatever the situation - we will deal with it”? Sometimes what we are facing is simply too stressful, and we become consumed by the thought of struggling in the future.  Though a new year is likely to include events that are stressful (and this is highly likely), we will also be in situations that bring us joy and a high level of energy. Acceptance allows us to embrace what is right in front of us – the situation at hand – as we look at it and experience the situation for what it is.

Time and time again people will say that once they dealt with an undesirable situation, they felt “lighter,” “better” and an overall sense of relief. The definition of “acceptance” in the dictionary says “an action of consenting to receive or undertake something offered.” We should look more closely at this definition and focus on the words “receive” and “offered”. Perhaps we can view the process of acceptance as “receiving an offering” free from judgment. This will then assist us in viewing undesirable situations as valuable information – as they provide us with a choice to see the experience in itself as containing substance and value. It is interesting to examine how, while most of us may feel burdened by having to confront and accept a particular circumstance, we may rather begin appreciating a process that ultimately can yield a positive outcome or, at a minimum, lead to growth.

                  Let us look ahead to the New Year through this lens of choice and possibility. Situations will arise that challenge us – and each presents us with an opportunity to set down our lens of burden and despair and instead pick up a new lens that invites growth, creation, and expansion.

Jeff Katowitz, LMFT, BSL is a licensed marriage and family therapist with his practice at The Resiliency Center in Flourtown. Jeff specializes in helping family systems in transition such as separation and divorce, blended families, and families with children and teens with diagnosed with autism. For more information on Jeff Katowitz, please call (215) 307-0055 or email jpkatowitz@verizon.net.

Practicing Radical Acceptance to Reduce Life’s Suffering

by Katie K. May

With warm weather in full swing and fun in the sun at the pool, I’m reminded of two summers ago when my son broke his arm. He was six years old and had just learned to swim. He loved splashing around in the water and swimming to each end of the pool. Then, a camp monkey bar accident and a full arm cast put a stop to his pool fun for the rest of the summer.

           

I can remember others’ remarks like, “That’s awful!” and my son’s tearful plea, “Why did this have to happen?” Not only was he in physical pain, but he also experienced emotional anguish every time we drove past the placid blue water of our pool.

           

An important idea in Dialectical Behavior Therapy (DBT) is pain vs. suffering. When you don’t accept reality as it is, it leads to greater suffering. Alternatively, when you can accept reality, or what is, you may still feel pain, but you can avoid suffering. As a DBT therapist, I call this concept Radical Acceptance.

           

Radical Acceptance means accepting what you can’t change so you can spend your time and energy on what makes your life worth living. It means understanding reality for what it is. Once you understand what you can and can’t change in your life, you can accept reality for what it is.

If we look at my son’s experience in the context of Radical Acceptance, we can understand exactly why it happened. Understanding the logistics is the first step to Radical Acceptance: He was climbing across the monkey bars, which put him in a precarious situation. He fell mid-way across and kept his arms too stiff as his body made impact with the earth.

Next, consider what you can’t change in the situation. My son was not allowed to get that cast wet. Period. So…swimming was not an option for the summer. It was something we could not change. Continuing to focus on the “can’t” in the situation would have led to greater suffering. If we talked about NOT swimming every day, it would remind him of something he loved that he could not have.

Finally, you CAN choose to use skills and act effectively or focus your attention on ideas and events that serve you. Well let me tell you, with water not being an option, we went to every museum and park that summer and changed our summer vacation from the beach to Washington D.C., and it was all amazing!

It’s important to remember that acceptance does NOT mean that you’re giving up or agreeing with a situation or incident that is difficult. It doesn’t mean putting up with a situation or relationship that is harmful for you. It means focusing your energy and taking action on what will help you move forward in your life.

When you practice Radical Acceptance, you shift your focus from “Why did this happen?” to “What can I do now?” It’s this shift that allows you to take ownership of your personal experiences and begin making choices about how to create your path to happiness.

Katie K. May is a Licensed Teen Therapist who specializes in offering groups. A new session of Teen DBT Skills Group will begin in August. Contact Katie@creativehealingphilly.com to explore whether this group will best support your teen.

Thanks, I’ll Take It From Here

by Rachel Kobin

When I chose Acceptance as the theme for our July newsletter, I thought I knew what I wanted to say. Now that I’m actually trying to write it, I feel lost. There’s a voice inside me saying, “You should brainstorm, just write a list of all of the reasons you wanted to write about acceptance; you should mind map or make a vision board; you should at least write an outline.” But how can I write an outline when there’s so much I could say, and who is this bossy person calling me “You”?

Acceptance. Okay, I’m going to practice it right now. I’m the Director of the Philadelphia Writers’ Workshop and I’m struggling to write a few paragraphs about acceptance. I’ll just sit with this struggle and be compassionate with myself. This is part of the writing process, part of any process. But there’s that girl nagging, “But you’re the Director of the Philadelphia Writers’ Workshop. You of all people should be able to write a cogent article.”

That voice isn’t nearly as loud or shrill as she used to be. After years of helpful therapy, I worked with a life coach who helped me have a direct conversation with that mean, bossy girl barraging me with an endless list of shoulds I would never be able to accomplish. I thanked her for her concern, for her attempts to save me from exposing my shortcoming and faults. I told her I wouldn’t be hiding until I was perfect anymore: it was time for me to move on, to open up to the world around me and embrace myself as I am.

           

Like I said, that voice is still there. I can hear her now: She’s worried I’ll make a fool of myself if I don’t write an article “worthy” of me. “What will people think?” she’s saying. I reply, “This is what acceptance looks like: letting go of what other people think, daring to make myself vulnerable and embracing my imperfections. Acceptance isn’t organized; no amount of outlining or mind mapping will remove the bumps and potholes from the path to reaching it, but it is scenic. As I take in the variety of vistas, my love for myself and others grows.”

Oh, dang, there she goes again! “You should be writing the perfect article!” Chill girl, I’m sure whatever I write will be good enough.  

Since 2006, Rachel Kobin has facilitated acceptance via creative writing workshops held at The Resiliency Center on Tuesday Nights. She also helps people finish their novels, screenplays, plays, collections of short stories, and essays in the Manuscript Workshop and as a private editor. Learn more at www.phillywriters.com

Receding...and a Reseeding

by Dean Solon


sitting...

with the quiet,
in the deep.
with allowing the world to come to me,
with being in this world with You.

a peace prevails,
a peace abides and resides.
allowing the world to come to me,
allowing a surrendering to Your will and whim...
cravings recede.  cravings for anything and anyone,
cravings for outcome, cravings for life and how to live it,
cravings for human beings to be other than who they are.

so, this is who i am, now.
so, this is a sweet spot,
a great good fortune life.
so, all of this is the same as it ever was
...everything changing in each and every moment.
so, everything is play in the House of the Lord.

resting, in the center of the cyclone,
the whirlwind tour strangely and surprisingly quieting,
i am nearly silenced
and all in
and already gone

Wishes for a peaceful and picture­-imperfect holiday

by Jen Perry

Ahhh, the holidays and its food, family, and friends. A beautifully laid out table, happy children, civil and perhaps even engaging conversation. We all have a perfect Hallmark­worthy picture of it floating around inside our mind. Can you conjure up yours? I know I have one: my great aunt’s lovely antique china, candlelight, gracious conversation about all that we are thankful for. 

The challenge with our idealized images is that reality often just can’t live up to them. Our human minds make it truly impossible. Whether gleaned from hazy memories of yesteryear or from yearnings in our hearts for just how it could be, these are fantasies. You see, if we have ideas about the perfect day or perfect dinner (or perfect partner, or perfect parent, child, job, or . . . really the applications are endless), then our minds act like a scanner constantly searching the situation for things that need to be fixed, done, changed, or otherwise wrestled into the idealized image. It’s exhausting. Out of the myriad of details before us, it takes just one to “ruin it.” One child’s temper tantrum, one sharp word from a loved one, one burnt pie ~ you get the picture. And THAT is actually where the freedom lies. 

Try this: take your most precious, perfect picture and allow life to happen to it. You may find the results difficult or you may find them hilarious. In my case, that antique table I mentioned? Well, it literally collapsed mid-meal this Thanksgiving with no warning. 

The carefully prepared meal, well maintained china, flowers and candlelight, glasses of wine and cider, and all the silverware came crashing to the floor. A child howling, guests staring in disbelief, and one alert responder racing around as if the torn photo could be repaired. 

2015 is now a year for the history books in my family. Fortunately, we can laugh about this one. 

One of my favorite sayings is: “Peace: It does not mean to be in a place where there is no noise, trouble, or hard work. It means to be in the midst of those things and still be calm in your heart.” I encourage you to take your picture perfect image and your idealism and let life, or gravity, have its way with it. Holding onto our perfectionism, scanning life, real life, for all the ways in which it doesn’t measure up, is not a peaceful or present way to live. These perfect pictures we hold up – of a holiday, a spouse, the future, a child, even our very selves – they block us from seeing the real moments and people before us as they are in all their imperfect splendor. The relief after the surprise of it all falling apart is pure, pure magic. And a gift: the gift of a broken table, a broken picture of perfection is a gift of presence and peace with what is. 

Jen Perry, MSEd, MA, LPC is a licensed professional counselor and peaceful parenting coach. She teaches mindfulness and self­-compassion to people wanting more peace and calm in their hearts. Her next 6 week class offering, Beginner’s Mindfulness, starts January 11, 2016. Space is limited to 6 so reserve your spot today by calling 215­-292­-5056 or emailing jenperry7@mac.com.