Staying Afloat Amidst Life’s Floods

 by Bernadette Dougherty, Psy.D

Storytelling has always been a large part of my life and family culture. I grew up an avid reader, rushing home from school to be immersed in a book until long past bedtime. 

Throughout my childhood and early adulthood, I was fortunate to spend a great deal of time with my grandparents every week. They often shared stories of their lives and journey with me, my father’s parents having grown up in war-torn Ukraine, living in labor and refugee camps across Europe. My mother’s family immigrated from Italy, and they were separated for decades before they were all able to come to the United States. 

As a child, my family’s stories fit well with the fairytales and fantasy books I read, tales of overcoming adversity and good eventually winning over evil. When I became older, I realized that these were not simply stories, but real and very painful events that occurred to the people I loved. This realization was the initial catalyst for my curiosity with risk and resilience: 

What allows some individuals to survive and even thrive in spite of painful events and trauma?

Recent world events and devastation by hurricanes throughout the southeastern United States brought this question into sharp focus again. Whether we are directly impacted by large-scale disasters or not, it is heartbreaking to see how lives can be turned upside down in an instant.  

None of us are strangers to pain and adversity. At times it can feel like wherever we look there are horrible events occurring in our lives and in the world more broadly, yet we’re expected to continue functioning through it all. In times such as these, it can feel like any additional stressor threatens to pull us under the flood of stress and emotions. In addition, our brains are naturally constructed to prioritize negative information over the positive, often making it exceedingly difficult to think of anything other than the stressful event we are experiencing. 

Moments such as these, when painful situations occur repeatedly and it’s difficult to keep my head above the emotional flood, I have found that the first part of one of the Dialectical Behavior Therapy (DBT) skills is particularly helpful in staying afloat: Accumulating Positives in any and every way we can. Through purposely directing our attention to things we find enjoyable, we strengthen neural connections for positivity, increase much needed dopamine in the brain, and decrease our vulnerability to emotional stress. Focusing even on small things like beauty in our environment, a song we enjoy, or a soothing sensation works; we essentially boost ourselves above the emotional flood. Stringing along these positives during transition moments — like car rides and minutes in between meetings — can be a small and time-friendly way to accumulate positives despite many of our busy schedules. Allowing small positives to be present along with the pain can help us to feel more balanced and less emotionally flooded. As we experience changes throughout our lives, I encourage you to set aside time and space throughout your day and week, no matter how much or little, to accumulate positives and stay afloat. 

Bernadette Dougherty, Psy.D. is a Licensed Psychologist providing therapy for teens and adults. Her approach is collaborative and individualized to help clients create meaningful change. Specialties include anxiety, depression, emotion regulation, trauma, suicide, self-injury, stress, chronic pain/illness, LGBTQIA+ care, and insomnia. To learn more about her work and to schedule an initial consultation, reach out to her at bernadette.dougherty.psyd@gmail.com and 215-770-1845. 

Practicing Radical Acceptance to Reduce Life’s Suffering

by Katie K. May

With warm weather in full swing and fun in the sun at the pool, I’m reminded of two summers ago when my son broke his arm. He was six years old and had just learned to swim. He loved splashing around in the water and swimming to each end of the pool. Then, a camp monkey bar accident and a full arm cast put a stop to his pool fun for the rest of the summer.

           

I can remember others’ remarks like, “That’s awful!” and my son’s tearful plea, “Why did this have to happen?” Not only was he in physical pain, but he also experienced emotional anguish every time we drove past the placid blue water of our pool.

           

An important idea in Dialectical Behavior Therapy (DBT) is pain vs. suffering. When you don’t accept reality as it is, it leads to greater suffering. Alternatively, when you can accept reality, or what is, you may still feel pain, but you can avoid suffering. As a DBT therapist, I call this concept Radical Acceptance.

           

Radical Acceptance means accepting what you can’t change so you can spend your time and energy on what makes your life worth living. It means understanding reality for what it is. Once you understand what you can and can’t change in your life, you can accept reality for what it is.

If we look at my son’s experience in the context of Radical Acceptance, we can understand exactly why it happened. Understanding the logistics is the first step to Radical Acceptance: He was climbing across the monkey bars, which put him in a precarious situation. He fell mid-way across and kept his arms too stiff as his body made impact with the earth.

Next, consider what you can’t change in the situation. My son was not allowed to get that cast wet. Period. So…swimming was not an option for the summer. It was something we could not change. Continuing to focus on the “can’t” in the situation would have led to greater suffering. If we talked about NOT swimming every day, it would remind him of something he loved that he could not have.

Finally, you CAN choose to use skills and act effectively or focus your attention on ideas and events that serve you. Well let me tell you, with water not being an option, we went to every museum and park that summer and changed our summer vacation from the beach to Washington D.C., and it was all amazing!

It’s important to remember that acceptance does NOT mean that you’re giving up or agreeing with a situation or incident that is difficult. It doesn’t mean putting up with a situation or relationship that is harmful for you. It means focusing your energy and taking action on what will help you move forward in your life.

When you practice Radical Acceptance, you shift your focus from “Why did this happen?” to “What can I do now?” It’s this shift that allows you to take ownership of your personal experiences and begin making choices about how to create your path to happiness.

Katie K. May is a Licensed Teen Therapist who specializes in offering groups. A new session of Teen DBT Skills Group will begin in August. Contact Katie@creativehealingphilly.com to explore whether this group will best support your teen.