Trusting Your Highly Sensitive Self

by Elizabeth Venart, M.Ed., NCC, LPC

When you’re highly sensitive, you notice details and nuances others miss, deeply process all you notice, and have heightened empathy. You feel deeply — both sadness and joy — and you are remarkably tuned in to the world around you. You see the details but also understand context and big picture patterns. As a result, your intuition is often spot on. 

Unfortunately, because the majority of people are not highly sensitive, they don’t sense all you do, and they can, intentionally or unintentionally, invalidate what you know and feel. As a result, many highly sensitive people learn to mistrust themselves. 

In response to noticing this — and seeing how much Internal Family Systems (IFS) helped me and other highly sensitive people deepen self-trust, I was inspired to write, “Trusting Your Highly Sensitive Self: An Internal Family Systems Path to Healing and Wholeness.” I am excited to share that it is being published on June 1st by New Harbinger Publications. 

The book offers a compassionate roadmap for turning sensitivity from a source of struggle into a foundation for a rich, meaningful life. Weaving together insights from Internal Family Systems (IFS) therapy, illustrative stories, and engaging exercises, the book empowers you to deepen your self-awareness, build resilience, and thrive as a sensitive person.

As you unpack any negative messages about sensitivity and understand the ways you learned to protect yourself, you come home to the wholeness of your being — and the wisdom inherent in this valuable way of being.

If you are sensitive, I wrote this book for you. If you love someone who’s highly sensitive or are a therapist who supports highly sensitive people, this book offers deeper understanding.  It is currently available in print and kindle, and an audiobook version is forthcoming. On the publisher’s website, you will find free handouts from the book — including meditation scripts, illustrations, and exercises. If you sign up for the newsletter on my website, I will send you a copy of “The Journey Home,” the poem I wrote to accompany readers on the book’s journey, and you'll be the first to know when I’ve made audio recordings of the meditations available. Subscribers will also receive announcements about book reading events and book clubs that I’ll be hosting. The first one is this month -- on 6/13 at The Resiliency Center!

In closing, I’d like to share one of many favorite quotes by the poignant and powerful poet, Mary Oliver. I offer it as encouragement to any of you who feel a creative spark inside, yearning for expression. She wrote, “And that is just the point... how the world, moist and beautiful, calls to each of us to make a new and serious response. That's the big question, the one the world throws at you every morning. "Here you are, alive. Would you like to make a comment?” 

Writing the book was initially quite a formidable undertaking. It required me to set aside time for it, reflect on what felt most important to say, carefully select words, courageously share rough drafts with colleagues and friends, and commit. I wrote because I felt I had something to share and wanted to offer a gift. Perhaps you, too, have a gift to share — your writing, art, music or other expressions of your heart. The world awaits your unique offering. I will be delighted to see the beauty that pours forward. 

Elizabeth Venart, M.Ed., NCC, LPC, is the author of “Trusting Your Highly Sensitive Self: An Internal Family Systems Path to Healing and Wholeness.” Elizabeth’s private counseling practice is focused on supporting highly sensitive people, including artists and therapists, in embracing their sensitivity, cultivating greater resilience, and experiencing joy. She is a Certified IFS Therapist and IFS-I Approved Clinical Consultant, a Certified EMDR Therapist and an EMDRIA Approved Consultant, and a Trainer in IFS-Informed EMDR. She founded the Resiliency Center of Greater Philadelphia 18 years ago, as a place for community — for those seeking healing and the practitioners devoted to partnering with them in that healing. To connect with Elizabeth, please email elizabethvenart@counselingsecure.com or visit her website at https://elizabethvenart.com/.

The Benevolence of Beauty

by Elizabeth Venart

 

The wonder of the Beautiful is its ability to surprise us. With swift, sheer grace, it is like a divine breath that blows the heart open. – John O’Donohue in Divine Beauty: The Invisible Embrace

 

When the world of man closed its doors in March last year, the natural world invited us outside to connect and play. Through gardening and time spent in local parks and our own backyard, we found in nature a natural balm to the weariness of an intense and fear-filled time. Nature can be a welcome antidote to stress and boredom. It provides an alternative to the rowing machines and well-worn tracks of the gym. It can also offer us something that stretches far beyond simple diversion or exercise. A walk in nature can be an immersive experience, calming our nervous system and shifting our perspective.

 

When we allow ourselves to inhabit fully the landscape of the present moment, we can delight in the magic of the changing seasons, marvel at the miracle of flowers rising through asphalt, and consider with humility our place among the living things on this planet. Our world as people may have ground to a halt in many ways, but the rest of the natural world continued. I watched how the birds outside my kitchen window built nests, as they do each year, fed their babies, plucked worms and seeds from the ground. I delighted in the birdsong each morning, the brilliant colors of fall, the snow bathing tree limbs with pearl luminescence.

 

Life always has its challenges. Beauty is always there when our eyes are ready to experience her. A child’s laugh, a cloud-speckled sky, a mother fox and her five babies, a warm embrace from a friend we haven’t seen in too long.

 

As the wheel of the year continued to move in its circular rhythm through the seasons, my fond anticipation of the daily walk only strengthened. “I wonder how that cherry tree will look today. . . Will the rhododendron bushes have loosened their tight buds and exploded into pink today?” Bringing a sense of wonder to my daily walks (or wanders when I had more time) imbued my days with delight.

 

The newsletter this month – and our social media – will focus on Beauty. I will be sharing photographs taken during my daily walks over the past year. You will see what my eyes saw, as I walked through my neighborhood delighting in the unfolding beauty of each season.  These images are moments that captured my attention, fascinated and moved me. While some are blossoms and a glimpse of a flower at the peak of its brilliance, others include transition points between the seasons, moments of awe, and the beauty of growth and decay intermingled.

 

As John O’Donohue so beautifully expresses in Divine Beauty: The Invisible Embrace:

 

The graced eye can glimpse beauty anywhere, for beauty does not reserve itself for special elite moments or instances; it does not wait for perfection but is present already secretly in everything. When we beautify our gaze, the grace of hidden beauty becomes our joy and our sanctuary.

 

My wish for each of you is the eye to “glimpse beauty anywhere” and to savor and delight in this experience.

 

Elizabeth Venart is the Founder and the Director of The Resiliency Center and a Licensed Professional Counselor whose practice focuses on supporting Highly Sensitive Persons, therapists (through counseling and consultation), and creative and intuitive people seeking more magic in their lives. She leads a weekly laughter yoga class and hosts a monthly Rumi and Friends Spiritual Poetry Evening to which all are welcome. To learn more, visit her website.

 

The Gifts of Darkness

by Elizabeth Venart

Maybe you have to know the darkness before you can appreciate the light. – Madeleine L’Engle

What does it mean to “know the darkness”? As this month steadily darkens until our shortest day on the Winter Solstice, I sat with this quote, reflecting on our relationship with light and dark. Is darkness something we ignore, avoid, dread, or try to escape? Or is it something we can welcome? I am struck by the dance we often do, the battle with the dark as it approaches, the push to do as much and as fast as always despite the decrease in daylight. While a seeing person may fear the dark or turn on more lights to obscure it, those born blind have a different relationship to the darkness. Although others imagined her inner world as a place of darkness, Helen Keller described it as rich and vibrant, “golden,” and a “God-made world.”

While we may find ourselves bracing in anticipation of the harsher realities of winter – with its cold and its dark, we have another choice. Instead of pushing against the natural rhythm of the season, we could find ways to accept winter for what it is - a time to start over and build to renewal in the spring.  We can seek new and creative ways to connect with the season and move within it, to celebrate the scarcity of light and welcome it into our daily lives with a different perspective.

First, we may find greater peace by simply accepting what is. There is less daylight in the winter months. Winter really calls our attention to the ecosystem in which we live. Instead of walking outside barefoot to get the mail, we must bundle up. Our bodies may tense at the feel of the cold air on our face and hands. Instead of wishing for summer’s light to return, what if we took time to appreciate the gifts of the longer nights ahead? Noticing our reactions and negative expectations, we can practice breathing into what is rather than bracing against, ignoring, or trying to change it. This is a mindfulness practice that helps with physical pain and can also support us in the changing of the seasons.

Accepting the darkness, we may begin opening to the gifts these shorter days can bring. The dark invites us to slow down, to rest and replenish our bodies and minds. Like the bear, our bodies may feel a pull to hibernate. Sleep may come earlier and be more restful in the darkness of the winter light. We may also feel pulled to stay indoors and cuddle up under blankets, make soup, and listen to music in the candlelight. In the quiet of the winter’s night, we have an opportunity to go within and reflect. For some, meditation practice may be deeper. Others may be inspired to write or draw, to create. Sinking into a favorite piece of poetry or prose offers another way to explore our inner world. Allow the rhythm and landscape of its words to sink into your being by reading it silently or aloud three times, underlining or highlighting phrases that ring true.

If you are struggling with the dark, you may want to get curious about what it is, specifically, that you “don’t like” about winter. You can then brainstorm creative solutions to address it.  For example, if you crave more time outside, you could consider getting outside at lunchtime, walking with friends in the early evening wearing headlamps, and stargazing. If, instead, you notice yourself missing time with friends, consider cultivating some new winter traditions for socializing –  invite friends and family for big Sunday dinners, go to the movies or host movie nights, enjoy singing around a piano or playing music by the fire.  If you are less active in the winter, consider joining a gym or sports league, ice skating, skiing, and sledding (not just for the kids!). Winter won’t offer us the summer barbecue, time at the pool, or a weekend at the beach – but it has the ability to be enriching and enjoyable in its own ways.  

Some of the feelings of being “down” in the winter light are connected to an expectations that we keep the same energy, pace, and routines as the rest of the year. However, for those with recurrent depression, the darker days may result in increased symptoms (Seasonal Affective Disorder).  In that case, solutions may include increasing exercise, modifying diet, considering medication, and using special light boxes (which have become much more affordable in recent years).

Finally, winter also offers us creative ways to bring in Light. The longer days and cooler nights invite us to build fires in our fireplaces and wood stoves, sit outside around a firepit, light a candle.  In the darkness of the New Moon of each winter month, we have our best chance to see the full tapestry of stars in the evening sky.  We can also practice laughter and laughter yoga as a way of bringing the energy of summer to our winter days and nights. Research has shown that 15-20 minutes per day of laughter boosts our immune system, improves our mood, brings pain relief, improves our outlook, and strengthens our heart. You need not rely on jokes or comedy – you can simply laugh. Our brains cannot tell the difference between real laughter and fake laughter – so practice fake laughing from your belly to feel better. Learn more [Insert link to: www.laughteryoga.org]

Brene Brown, author of The Gifts of Imperfection reflected, “Only when we are brave enough to explore the darkness will we discover the infinite power of our light.” In the darkness, we have an opportunity to meet ourselves – without the hums and noises of screens or lights or the sun. With less stimulation to our senses, we can come home to ourselves and our breathing. Sitting in the quiet, with only the faint light of a candle, we can begin to notice and feel our current state, reflecting on the question, “How am I?” with an earnest curiosity that may be challenging under the harsher lights of daytime.

Instead of using our energies to brace against the darkness that is winter, we may find greater satisfaction and peace if we instead embrace this season. May this winter bring you peace and a greater connection with your own inner radiance.

Elizabeth Venart is a Licensed Professional Counselor and the Founder and Director of The Resiliency Center. She is a Certified EMDR Therapist and EMDRIA-Approved Consultant who specializes in providing counseling and mentorship to other therapists and working to empower Highly Sensitive Persons to heal the wounds of the past so that they can embrace their gifts more fully and experience greater joy. Learn more at www.elizabethvenart.com.

Parenting Your Highly Sensitive Child

by Jen Perry, MA, MSEd, LPC

Is your child highly sensitive? Does your child seem easily overwhelmed and over-reactive? High sensitivity is a personality trait distinct from other personality traits like introversion or agreeableness. High sensitivity means a person has a sensitive nervous system and processes sensory information more deeply and intensely than their less sensitive peers. They have a keen awareness of the world around them and their inner worlds, noticing many details that go unnoticed by others. They literally see, smell, hear, taste, and feel more in their environment than others. They are often very empathetic, so they are also picking up and processing subtle emotional tones of others. They can't turn this off ~ it is integral to how they experience the world. Perceiving more in the world and experiencing it more intensely, children with high sensitivity easily become overwhelmed and appear to overreact to everyday situations. It isn't hard to imagine the parenting challenges this presents. (Uncertain if your child may be highly sensitive? There is an online test here: http://hsperson.com/test/highly-sensitive-child-test/)

Highly sensitive children often have parents that worry something is "wrong" with their child, after all, their child's peers seem to be handling challenges in the environment just fine. Because high sensitivity occurs at a rate of only 15-20% of the population, many people with high sensitivity carry feelings of there being something "wrong" with them their whole lives. When parents are educated about high sensitivity, they have a profound opportunity to support their children in developing greater life-long self-acceptance, since many of these negative beliefs begin in childhood. If you think that your child is highly sensitive, the researcher of this trait, Elaine Aron, PhD, has written a book called The Highly Sensitive Child: Helping Our Children Thrive When the World Overwhelms Them. Educating yourself and your child about temperament and personality traits can help make your journey together far less confusing and conflictual.  Without an understanding of this personality trait, these children are at risk of being seen as abnormal or their behaviors misconstrued as behavioral problems motivated to "manipulate" the parent. As a result, many parents worry that something is "wrong" with their parenting, their child, or both.

Compounding the parenting challenge is the fact that highly sensitive children respond poorly to conventional parenting wisdom. Remember, these children are taking in more sensory and emotional information and processing it more deeply than others. They can't turn this off - it is a personality trait and integral to how they experience being in the world. Children with high sensitivity often take their parents words to heart and can become very hard on themselves as a result. Harsh or shaming parenting can compound their feelings of "wrongness" and can be harmful to their self-esteem.

Fortunately, there are parenting strategies that can help children and their parents better understand themselves and how to be highly sensitive in a world where 80% of the population isn't. Parenting techniques that are based in empathetic responding can help a child not feel "wrong" and can help create a sense of being on the same team between a parent and child. Jamie Williamson has written a beautiful little book, Understanding the Highly Sensitive Child: Seeing an Overwhelming World Through Their Eyes that can be helpful to parents who struggle to see the world through the eyes and experience of their highly sensitive children. Additionally, seeing yourself as your child's emotion coach to help them understand themselves and the world and framing challenges as learning opportunities to help a child grow instead of mis-behavior in need of punishment is incalculable in its positive impact on the child. Two of my favorite authors and researchers in brain science supporting these gentler, more peaceful parenting techniques are John Gottman, PhD, Raising an Emotionally Intelligent Child  and Daniel Siegel, MD, No-Drama Discipline: The Whole-Brain way to Calm the Chaos and Nurture your Child's Developing Mind.

Raising confident, healthy, and happy kids is the goal of every parent. Parents of highly sensitive children may need extra support in understanding this personality trait. Education is important so that they can strive to meet the needs of their highly sensitive child instead of attempting to control their behavior with the expectation that they become like their less sensitive peers. Recent brain science and research has given us insight into how to best support all children in growing in understanding of themselves and the world around them. By keeping calm, helping an overwhelmed child calm themselves, connecting in the spirit of teamwork between parent and child, responding empathically and empowering the child to grow into peaceful solutions to problems is a set of skills that can be learned and practiced.

Great parents get great support - there is help out there in your parenting journey. Jen Perry is a Licensed Professional Counselor, Parent Educator and Peaceful Parenting Coach with her practice at The Resiliency Center in Flourtown. She loves working with parents of highly sensitive children. More about Jen and her work can be found at www.HeartfulnessConsulting.com.

Debunking the Myth of Sensitivity

by Brittiney George

Contrary to popular belief, being sensitive is a gift, not a curse.  It does not mean you are weak.  It does not mean you’re a cry baby, an exaggerator, or a wimp.  You have a gift, the gift of connection.  It means you are highly aware of both your external and internal surroundings.  When someone else smells smoke, you already can see, hear, and feel the fire.  This can be upsetting to the one that only smells smoke, because we often assume that if we can’t see it or feel it, it must not exist.  This same experience can be scary for the one that senses the fire.  It can be crazy making….Does no one else see or feel the way I do?  Statements like:

·      “Stop exaggerating.”

·      “You’re overreacting.”

·      “You’re too sensitive.”

·      “You’re too much.”

can creep in around these experiences and begin to physically and emotionally take their toll.  I often see clients survive by learning to shut down, shut off, hide, disconnect, and to devalue and mistrust their internal cues.  While this works in the short term, long term it can create physical pain, and a deep sadness and longing for “something different”.    Reconnecting the body and mind through transformative touch and talk is a wonderful way to begin to gently explore coming back to one’s senses. 

“A session is like settling into your skin after having experienced a lifetime of things getting under your skin.”-Joe Weldon, Co-Founder of The Somatic Therapy Center

Finding a way to create clear boundaries to avoid overstimulation of the senses, and learning to trust your instincts again, is an invaluable tool in being able to reap the benefits of a highly sensitive system.  Come explore ways you can value the wonders of your gift.

 

Brittiney George, BS, CRS, CST-L3, ICI, CEIM, is a Movement Practitioner offering Somatic Therapy, and gentle, exploratory movement classes at The Resiliency Center.  She also co-leads Connection, Expression and Movement (CEM), a monthly workshop series focusing on body-mind integration.  For a complimentary 55 min. Rubenfeld session contact Brittiney at 610-389-7866 or movebackintolife@gmail.com

Understanding the Gift of High Sensitivity

by Elizabeth Venart, LPC

If you are a Highly Sensitive Person (HSP), chances are that you grew up being called “too sensitive”, “too deep”, and “too emotional” by people who didn’t understand you. Most people are not highly sensitive and can’t comprehend that feeling everything around you as if it were you is not a choice but an inborn gift you had no power to turn off. High sensitivity is a gift that brings wisdom, deep compassion, an ability to understand complexity and multiple perspectives, and a deep sense of how and why things are connected.  But, it also brings its struggles.

The fifteen to twenty percent of people who have an inherited trait of high sensitivity have highly sensitive nervous systems and process information deeply. In addition to feeling the moods of others, HSPs observe the world around them, tuned into the nonverbal and unspoken, observant of subtle changes in the environment, deeply moved by the arts and music, and able to form strong connections with animals and the natural world. They ask the tough questions and have uncanny insights into patterns of behavior.

Because empathy happens automatically for the HSP, boundaries are challenging. An HSP feels the sadness of their opponent who is losing a game, connects to the wound underneath the angry mask of a teacher who is yelling, acutely sense the overwhelm of a parent whose attention is desperately wanted but feels out of reach, . . . It is hard for HSPs to stay present for their own emotions and advocate for their own needs.  It is as if the barrier that others have – to keep perspective on “what is me” versus “what is you” doesn’t exist. They feel what others feel, sometimes bombarded by the intensity of an emotion (that is not theirs) without being able to identify its true source. An HSP walks into a bar and. . . .feels the mood of the place, senses the depressed old man at the bar, notices the fake quality of the laugh across the room. 

HSPs contemplate the deepest questions about meaning, justice, right and wrong, compassion – and share these deep questions as soon as they are able to speak – if they feel safe to ask. Highly Sensitive Children can be unnerving to adults, because they see and understand things far beyond their years. They often see things adults cannot – or that adults wish they didn’t.  

Noticing so much, they can get overwhelmed, overtired, exhausted, and inconsolable if they don’t have the quiet time their sensitive systems demand. 

HSPs are often shaken by violence in movies, loud noises, bright lights, scratchy fabrics, crowds, chaos, and the push to do many things quickly, all at once. HSPs can get unglued when a lot is happening around them and by any big changes. They are conscientious and work hard to avoid making mistakes. Striving to avoid overwhelming situations, they often need time to themselves after a busy day, to be quiet and get relief from too much stimulation. They are also more sensitive to hunger, have more allergies, and are more sensitive to medications, caffeine, and alcohol. 

It is challenging for HSPs to make it through their childhoods without internalizing the criticism from the 85% that are not highly sensitive – and this goes double for highly sensitive males (the trait is just as common in boys as girls) who are taught to be “tough” and whose ready emotions are often scorned and ridiculed. Many HSPs internalize this scorn and struggle with an inner critic who tries to silence and squash what they know and what they feel. 

Researcher Elaine Aron first discovered and wrote about the trait of high sensitivity nearly twenty years ago, and several books have been written and communities formed since that time. Yet many highly sensitive persons (HSPs) are unaware that their experiences are normal and even a sign of giftedness. 

The highly sensitive long to be understood and to connect deeply with others, but, too often, they have trouble identifying other HSPs and, over time, learn to keep their experiences and gifts to themselves. Finding support and a community of other HSPs is important on the journey to empowerment and acceptance. If this description reminded you of yourself, a child, or a loved one, take the quiz (online at http://hsperson.com/test/highly-sensitive-test/), check out the links, and consider joining us for our workshop on March 1st. 

You and your gifts matter. My work supporting HSPs in embracing their gifts, releasing their burdens, learning to set healthy boundaries, and stepping into their power brings me tremendous joy and meaning. If I can support you on your journey, please reach out to connect at evenart@comcast.net or 215-233-2002. You can learn more about me on my website at http://elizabethvenart.com. 

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