Breaking the habitual dance

by Jeff Katowitz

 

“A Habit cannot be tossed out the window; it must be coaxed down the stairs a step at a time.” – Mark Twain

 

This has been a tumultuous year and half. Many of us restricted, saw our lives altered and turned upside down, and experienced tremendous feelings of loss and bewilderment. We are beginning to see some hope on the horizon, with people venturing out and engaging in activities, reconnecting with others, and enjoying the simple pleasures in life again. For many of us, however, this last year may have exacerbated the frequency of self-destructive behaviors and undetected suffering. Unable to identify the habitual nature of our actions and behaviors, we may continue to get swept away by dependencies and comforts that are routine and familiar.

 

It is difficult to acknowledge and identify negative behaviors that are cyclical in nature, as they tend to serve a purpose. We are often seduced into believing that a continuation of behaviors that serve us in the moment won’t necessarily hurt us long-term. Our pre-pandemic unhealthy behaviors and tendencies may have increased in frequency during the pandemic, due to stress and limited access to constructive outlets. We may have tricked ourselves into believing we needed these strategies for immediate gratification – that it was our right to fall back on the old faithful friends of numb, soothe, and distract, because nothing else felt stimulating or rewarding. Yet, if we did, our internal suffering continued.

 

As a bit of optimism creeps back into our consciousness – and we witness others venturing out and engaging in activities they have so dearly missed – we are reminded that community is out there for us to join and enjoy again. One of the blessings of the pandemic is that our emergence from suffering can pave a way to new opportunity; we can make a deliberate attempt to orchestrate positive change and outcomes. It may be advantageous to reflect on the past eighteen months and ask ourselves some difficult questions: (1) What are my primary ways of coping with stress? (2) Are my behaviors ultimately helping or hurting my health and relationships? (3) Do I have enough support in my life? If not, what gets in the way of connecting with others and building strong relationships? (4) If my current life is unsatisfying, what is blocking me from making meaningful change?

 

With many of us living for extended periods in isolation over this past year, reaching out to others and connecting has certainly been tricky. Even as we move out of the isolation of the pandemic, we may still have a tendency to remain in comforts that are difficult to let go, satisfying cravings and then rationalizing them. We may be aware of behaviors, routines, and habits we would like to extinguish but feel ill equipped to make necessary changes and establish newer, healthier habits.

 

The first step to bringing about change is to strengthen present moment consciousness. Until we begin paying attention to our feelings, body sensations, and experiences in the present moment, it is nearly impossible to see clearly, let alone create meaningful change. Now is the time to pause, breathe deeply, think about what has happened, and slowly begin to ask the challenging questions about whether certain aspects of our lives are serving us. We cannot decrease addictive-type tendencies and behaviors (such as excessive internet use, gaming, gambling, consumption of food, drugs and alcohol) until we acknowledge underlying pain and any tendencies to run away from that pain. This is a good time to ask for help and assistance. As our time in the physical presence of others increases, it may become easier to talk to friends and family about our struggles. We can be more courageous and vulnerable with what is ailing us – and may discover that seeking support and input from others can make a significant impact. If we become more open and willing to examine changes we would like to bring about in our lives, we may feel less alone and more in community. Sometimes, we may realize we are surrounded by others who share similar patterns of numbing, soothing, and distracting. If that is the case, we may need to venture outside the comfort of our familiar network of support. Perhaps attend a 12-step group (AA, NA, Alanon), Tai Chi classes, or begin studying yoga. Or maybe consider professional help – dedicated time each week with a therapist who will partner with you to adopt new coping skills and create a life you find more meaningful and rewarding.

 

Jeff Katowitz, LMFT is a licensed marriage and family therapist in the state of Pennsylvania. Jeff Katowitz, LMFT, would like to invite those interested in his practice to contact him directly at (215) 307-0055 or jeffkatowitzlmft@gmail.com. 

 

Reflections on 2020 by Jeff Katowitz

For what are you most grateful as you look back over the year and why?  Connecting with my family. My health. 

 
What did you take for granted this year? The simple things. 
 

What did this reveal to you about yourself and your presence in the world?  Not taking for granted the importance of my health. Recognizing my ability to make a difference – by providing support to others in the midst of prolonged national and global chaos. 
 

What new hobby or old pastime did you take up or revive during this time? Landscaping and gardening. 

 
Was there an unexpected joy that you experienced during this time? Reconnecting with the simple things. 

 
What is the most important thing that the year of Covid 19 has taught you? Taking care of my body, mind and spirit and feeling appreciative of what I have. 

Reflection

by Jeff Katowitz, LMFT

Life can only be understood backwards; but it must be lived forwards.
― Søren Kierkegaard

Driving up through upstate New York, it is an all too familiar routine over the course of the last three years. Wait…my son is a junior in college? It can’t be. What is going on? Last week, I accompanied my younger son on a flight out west as he narrows in on – with great anticipation – his university of choice.  Let’s backtrack for a moment – I’m not sure I can wrap my head around all of these moving parts. These thoughts seem to be racing endlessly. How is it that at one moment I can be examining and collaborating with my son on a potential pathway, choosing institutions to study and explore and prepare for “real” life (whatever that means) and then, in a seeming blink, we are here?

I load up a Uhaul trailer, packing what I calculate to be twice as much stuff as what I lugged back and forth in my college days. And I thought I had a lot. It is winter. My son is ready to travel and study abroad for the spring semester. I can remember in my high school and college days pondering what it would be like to be carried away to some foreign land. No – too scary for me back then. I wanted to remain on campus and maintain my commitment to my familiar routines; that’s just what felt right.  

I keep thinking about time and drawing comparisons between my life in my early twenties and what lies ahead for my sons. So many moments, achievements, heartbreaks, fears, and anticipations. Round and around and around I go: I did this, he’s doing that, how interesting, exciting. Brings a grin to my face, time and time again. I am finding myself discussing with my family, clients and sometimes acquaintances this movement through time and space, but it is more about looking back and reflecting.

Reflecting really sets into motion a thought process and taps into a well of curiosity. I am aware of times in the past when I may have gotten lost in the regret trap – the “should have”, “would have,” “could have,” “I haven’t.” Fortunately for me lately, I don’t find myself trapped anywhere near regret. Instead, I am energized and moved by the experience of what I’d have to call amazement.

My amazement springs from the wide-angle lens I have now on my life, a vantage point that only decades of life can bring. From this perspective, I can examine what is in my immediate purview and from there introduce curiosity about the wider context, the patterns and sequences. Life becomes a puzzle through this lens. Life is always taking shape but also evolving into new happenings and adventures – consisting of random people, places, events, and choices that led us here. And the new experiences and choices that will lead us an unknown there in the future.

The rate of events that come and go like scenes in a play are read at a very high pace. It’s hard to digest – significant experiences come and go so rapidly that I am trying to catch my breath. But I am not pushing against it; rather, I am speechless and almost awestruck. The passing of time never felt this way when I was in my youth; then, it felt more like a looking forward to the next chapter. Now I am hoping the next chapters are read slower, so I can really capture the essence of what was just experienced.

I imagine, for some people, the process of reflection may trigger sadness or a cycle of regret and emotions surrounding choices that they have made. I empathize with this group and the experience of pain that can arise. As we embark on a new year, I invite you to consider a process of reflection with openness and curiosity (rather than an old pattern of sadness or regret). Consider the question, “How did my journey lead me to this moment?” And then join me in anticipating with great interest and awareness the “What is next?” of life.

Jeff Katowitz, LMFT has been practicing marriage and family therapy for over 26 years. His specialties include helping families in transition (i.e. separation and divorce, grief and loss, blended families, raising children on the spectrum and those with special needs). He has been practicing at the Resiliency Center since 2008. Jeff can be contacted at JeffKatowitzlmft@gmail.com or directly at (215) 307-0055.

Youthfully Aging

by Jeff Katowitz, LMFT

You are about to turn fifty. Think about it – five decades. Where has the time gone? Do you feel satisfied with what you have accomplished or do you feel somewhat stuck and living in constant regret. Some of you may have children who are now just beginning a new chapter in life – going off to college or entering the workforce. Some of you started your families later and have younger children or adolescents with a few years remaining in high school. Some of you may not have children but experience a similar pressure of aging – beginning to think about the time left and how to invest your energies wisely.  Common thoughts and questions entering our minds may include:

·      “How do I want to spend the time remaining to really enjoy life?”

·      “I need to invest more energy towards my health so I can continue doing what I love.”

·      “I’d like to see things, visit places, be spontaneous and active.”

·      “I’ve been doing the same work for so long. Maybe I’d like to expand or change careers.”

·      “I’d like make sure that I focus my energies in the later part of my life on reconnecting with people I feel disconnected from.”

Sound familiar? While each of us has a different story, we are all faced with the concept of time and aging. It is important to examine things we’d like to do – if we have the ability and our situation lends itself to contemplating how the “next chapter” may look.

As I approach turning fifty this month, I look at my own situation and feel blessed. I have two sons who are developing beautifully and who no longer need me in the same way. I am married to an amazing, creative woman – a true partner in life expanding in her own new and exciting ways. I have a very loving and supportive extended family.  I am surrounded by terrific and exceptional colleagues in my work environment.

Despite my satisfaction, as I inch closer to fifty, I find myself considering the question: “What is important for me to nurture, grow and expand?” I think what is most exciting about asking all of these questions is that, if we allow ourselves to venture back to our memories involving simple activities and events, the newness of life and what it has to offer - this is our youth.

Now we can’t be nine years old playing with our favorite new toy. But what we can do is think about opportunity and expansion at the age of fifty. This can actually be very similar to the lens through which a nine year old sees the future. Do you remember saying things like “When I grow up, I’m going to be a………” or “When I get older, I want to be like……… or have……….”?  Do you remember feelings of excitement and anticipation, a sense of the future as vast and endless?

We have the opportunity to answer these same statements at fifty. For example, “When I turn fifty, I would like to start moving in a different direction. I’d like to be more creative. I’d like to have more friends. I’d like to travel more and see the world.”

Turning fifty does not have to represent aging through the lens of “I’m getting old” but can instead be a marker of time reminding us to think about our goals, passions, interests, and the experiences and adventures we would still like to have. To all those entering into your fifties, I celebrate with you and hope you are able to embrace life in ways that are exciting, engaging in events and activities that fill you with joy.

Here is a reflection process to guide you:

Step one: Sit quietly in a peaceful space for a few minutes and think about an idea, perhaps visualize an event, place, or opportunity and activity that feels good when you think about it.

Step two:  Create some type of movement that places you closer to the direction of your thoughts (ie. sharing this idea with others, developing and plan and writing it down, engaging in an activity that moves you closer to the vision(s)).

Step three: Repeat steps one and two over and over again. Good luck!

Jeffrey Katowitz, LMFT, AAMFT, is a Licensed Marriage and Family Therapist.

His areas of specialty include divorce and separation, blended family issues, adoption, adolescent development and transitions, grief and loss, and managing and working through traumatic life events.  Jeff’s goal is to provide a safe a nurturing environment for the individual and family system to feel more readily able to access the strength to overcome difficult transitions and events in their lives. Contact him at jpkatowitz@verizon.net and 215-307-0055.

Acceptance

by Jeff Katowitz, LMFT, BSL

Acceptance tends to provide us with a map or path towards comfort and better health. Often times, what is on the other side of an uncomfortable event allows us to have a deeper and clearer understanding of what is ultimately important and valuable. As we begin a new year, there is a tendency to reflect back and evaluate what transpired during the previous year. We also examine and look forward to a new year, hoping to accomplish a series of goals, attend events and generally feel a sense of hope. We seek a “fresh start” or a new beginning. With great anticipation and yearning, we hope that our planning will yield experiences filling us with joy and satisfaction.

               

For many us, however, the previous year may not have been favorable. We may have experienced events or made poor decisions that leave us burdened with regret. To further our discomfort, we may focus on the new year with trepidation, anticipating that familiar negative experiences will resurface. There may be situations looming that we cannot avoid and therefore a “clean slate” outlook is diminished by what is on the horizon.

              

What if we were to simply say to ourselves “whatever the situation - we will deal with it”? Sometimes what we are facing is simply too stressful, and we become consumed by the thought of struggling in the future.  Though a new year is likely to include events that are stressful (and this is highly likely), we will also be in situations that bring us joy and a high level of energy. Acceptance allows us to embrace what is right in front of us – the situation at hand – as we look at it and experience the situation for what it is.

Time and time again people will say that once they dealt with an undesirable situation, they felt “lighter,” “better” and an overall sense of relief. The definition of “acceptance” in the dictionary says “an action of consenting to receive or undertake something offered.” We should look more closely at this definition and focus on the words “receive” and “offered”. Perhaps we can view the process of acceptance as “receiving an offering” free from judgment. This will then assist us in viewing undesirable situations as valuable information – as they provide us with a choice to see the experience in itself as containing substance and value. It is interesting to examine how, while most of us may feel burdened by having to confront and accept a particular circumstance, we may rather begin appreciating a process that ultimately can yield a positive outcome or, at a minimum, lead to growth.

                  Let us look ahead to the New Year through this lens of choice and possibility. Situations will arise that challenge us – and each presents us with an opportunity to set down our lens of burden and despair and instead pick up a new lens that invites growth, creation, and expansion.

Jeff Katowitz, LMFT, BSL is a licensed marriage and family therapist with his practice at The Resiliency Center in Flourtown. Jeff specializes in helping family systems in transition such as separation and divorce, blended families, and families with children and teens with diagnosed with autism. For more information on Jeff Katowitz, please call (215) 307-0055 or email jpkatowitz@verizon.net.

Inner Peace

by Jeff Katowitz

How would one define inner peace? Is it a state where we feel calm, quiet, noticing that things around us are slowing down? We continually hear of the pursuit or quest to “find peace.” This “quest” suggests a movement of some sort – a depiction of a future concept where a situation or a shift in a circumstance may lead to an anticipation of feeling better, happier and perhaps more peaceful.

 

Is it possible to experience “peace” no matter the situation or circumstance developing or unfolding around us? Perhaps we could consider engaging in a short exercise of consciousness where we begin to become more aware of what we are feeling and sensing – a strategy to help slow down or to gain a better perspective of how our mind is operating. 

Imagine if we could learn how to sit still and be able to deflect the wave of turbulent thoughts. Imagine being able to replace the turbulent thoughts with a vision or alternative way of processing information that may help us to place our situation in a different context – one where we become curious of what is unfolding around us. What if we could give up the need for outcome or an attachment to a situation that we’ve defined as “better?” It may be quite refreshing to be able to find an opening where we become free of a need to “feel better” and rather choose to engage in a quiet internal dialogue that consists of a knowing that despite what is happening in front of us visually or what we are able to hear, touch, smell or anticipate, our curiosity can serve to detach us from the situation. It could be quite extraordinary being in this place of “detachment” where the stillness or quiet is clearly present. Imagine this brief moment that may consist of a matter of seconds or minutes feeling calm and still. Might this be a definition of peace?

Experiment with a few of the suggestions below from Echkart Tolle as way to gain a sense of Inner Peace through the cultivation of power and presence: 

• Window Meditation: “Behind your thoughts there is a stillness. For example, I recommend looking out of the window several times during the day. For a moment, look out and just take in what is there. Perhaps, there is a vast expanse of sky or a tree. Give it attention for a moment. There is a shift that occurs inside of you. That is stillness.”
• Sky Meditation:  “Look at the sky for a moment — giving it your full attention. It takes you away from mundane things, all the little stuff that you have to deal with continuously, and then you have a moment of stillness, of presence, of awareness.”
• Simple Activity:  choose a routine activity and bringing consciousness into the ‘doing.’ “Step out of your thoughts and just be conscious of your sense perceptions, so that the dimension of awareness grows in you.” An example could be a daily chore such as doing laundry or making the bed. Instead of rushing through the activity to get to the next item on your to-do list, take a conscious breath and feel the texture of the fabric on your hands.
• The Gap: “Pay attention to the gap — the gap between two thoughts, the brief, silent space between words in a conversation, the notes of a piano or flute, or the in-breath and out-breath. When you pay attention to those gaps, awareness of “something” becomes just awareness. The formless dimension of pure consciousness arises from within you and replaces identification with form.”

“Gradually, as we increase the moments of stillness in our lives, we begin to experience presence power. This helps to free us from the voice in the head; the continuous stream of thinking that prevents us from experiencing inner peace in the present moment.”- Echkart Tolle

Jeffrey Katowitz, LMFT, AAMFT, is a Licensed Marriage and Family Therapist. His areas of specialty include divorce and separation, blended family issues, adoption, adolescent development and transitions, grief and loss, and managing and working through traumatic life events.  Jeff’s goal is to provide a safe a nurturing environment for the individual and family system to feel more readily able to access the strength to overcome difficult transitions and events in their lives. Contact him at jpkatowitz@verizon.net and 215-307-0055.

 

Get off the Merry-Go-Round of Life to Rediscover Your Children - by Jeff Katowitz

          The life of a parent can sometimes be described as like being on a merry-go-round that just never stops. Racing around in the mornings, afternoons and evenings. Where are we supposed to be and what is demanded of us? Who needs me and how and what do I need to prioritize? With the mundane tasks, responsibilities that seem to never end we tend to get caught or trapped on the merry-go-round of life and miss out on making sure that we reconnect and nurture important relationships.

      It is important for all of us who have children to consider taking a journey back to them. What this essentially means is that many of us are gradually distancing ourselves from what we covet the most, we’re just not aware that it is happening. This process occurs as we rarely get a chance to evaluate and remind ourselves of what is most meaningful. It’s time for us to pay closer attention and to work towards understanding and appreciating where our children are in their development. Begin to look more closely at how our involvement in their lives on a consistent basis can impact their mood, grades, relationships, physical health, motivation and overall behavior.

     Consider conducting a self-evaluation of how much we really know what is going on our children’s lives. Do we know who their friends are? Did we know that they got an “A” on their last spelling test? When was the last time we read to them, threw a ball, colored, went to the movies? Oh, here’s a good one – how about asking ourselves when was the last time we had a meaningful conversation with our child?

     If you answered “I don’t know” or “no” to some of these questions you may want to take notice and evaluate more closely your relationships with your children. Ask yourself the question “what role am I playing in the life of my children?” Perhaps circumstances make it difficult for you to connect with your children due to a myriad of reasons, but begin to examine if changes need to be made in order to be more accessible to them and identify their needs.

      Here are a few simple suggestions of how to increase your involvement and connection with your children. Start a process of consistent communication with each of them. It can be a simple comment or initiating a dialogue with them that shows that you care and notice them. “You look really cool in that jacket.” “I heard you did well on your quiz yesterday,” “How was your day?” You can also try to tell them how much they mean to you. “You know, you are really important to me and I hope we can begin spending more time together – what do you think?” Remember, it doesn’t require a great deal of effort to embark on that journey back into their lives. You just have to be willing to step off of the merry-go-round for a while and take notice.

Jeff Katowitz, LMFT is a licensed Marriage and Family Therapist providing individual, couples, and family counseling. Specialities include adolescent development, separation, divorce, adoption, blended families, grief and loss, and families in transition.