Meeting the Self-Critic with Compassion

by Elizabeth Venart

Even during a simple conversation between two people, the words said aloud exist on one level while simultaneously entire dialogues play out in each individual’s mind. This is why a seemingly innocent request like, “Please pass the butter,” can spark an argument. The new Pixar film, “Inside Out,” gives life to the concept that, while we have one unified self, we are made up of many parts, parts with different needs and emotions. As we face various choices in our daily lives, our parts may be in agreement or in conflict with one another. Thus the well-known term “inner conflict,” which, for example, happens when one part of us feels enthusiastic about going out to see friends but another part is exhausted and yearns to stay home and read a book.

Most people are familiar with the “Inner Critic” part within them. Some hear this critical voice occasionally, while others hear it nearly constantly. It may comment on our appearance, our performance, how productive we are being, and it can even make us second-guess everything we say in conversations with others. These negative internal messages can greatly influence how we feel and how we behave in our relationships.

Kristin Neff, a respected researcher who has been studying self-compassion for over ten years, believes strongly in the power of compassion to soften our inner critic. In her book, “Self-Compassion: Stop Beating Yourself Up and Leave Insecurity Behind,” she explores why inner communication can often be so critical and how to bring kindness to our internal dialogue. She provides a framework for self-compassion that includes being kind to ourselves, recognizing our common humanity with others, and bringing balanced awareness to our experiences.

Similarly, Internal Family Systems (IFS) therapy suggests we bring compassion and curiosity to all parts of Self, including the inner critic. In this framework, the inner critic is actually working hard to protect us, so we are invited to identify, acknowledge, and appreciate it for its hard work. The process of IFS provides a pathway for people to strengthen Self, the core or essence within each person, trusting that each individual’s Self innately possesses the qualities of calmness, compassion, creativity, confidence, courageousness, clarity, curiosity, and connection. By deepening our awareness of Self and bringing compassion and curiosity to our parts as they arise—even the inner critic—people can make unburdened choices and experience greater freedom and joy.

For most people, learning to treat all parts of Self with compassion is a process requiring patience and practice. At the time I am writing this, the Pixar film has yet to be released. For a fun introduction to the idea that we all have parts of self, why not invite a good friend to go see “Inside Out” with you. Good friends are, by definition, already experts at showing compassion for all of our parts, which makes them great partners as we learn to be equally compassionate with ourselves.

If you would like to deepen your understanding of how IFS can support you in communicating compassionately with yourself, you may want to watch this video [https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=aPx04ZWnkR4] or check out the Internal Family Systems website at selfleadership.org. You can also learn more by contacting me directly. In addition to being the Director of The Resiliency Center, I am a Licensed Professional Counselor who integrates mindfulness, EMDR, and Internal Family Systems into my work with individuals and couples. I love partnering with people to cultivate greater compassion and joy. Learn more at elizabethvenart.com or by contacting me at 215-233-2002 or elizabeth@elizabethvenart.com.