A Compassionate Check-In

by Allison Beer, LCSW

Internal Family Systems therapy (IFS) provides a way to connect with parts, including our inner critic, so we can understand them better. As we do, greater clarity and confidence are possible. Think of a recent moment when you were hard on yourself—maybe you felt you said the wrong thing, acted awkwardly, or made a mistake. Bring awareness to that inner critical voice and gently explore the following:

• What thoughts are coming up? About yourself? About how others may see you?
  
• What emotions do you notice? Embarrassment, anxiety, frustration?
  
• What sensations are present in your body? Tightness in your stomach? A quickened breath? Or maybe nothing at all?

Now, focus on this critical part of you. Does an image, color, or texture come to mind? If not, that’s okay too—just stay with whatever is present.

How do you feel toward this part? Do you wish it would go away? If frustration or resistance arises, acknowledge those feelings. Let them know they are seen, and if they’re willing, invite them to step back slightly.

If you notice even a small sense of openness or curiosity, extend it toward this part and ask:

• What do you want me to know?
• What are you afraid would happen if you stopped being so hard on me?
• How are you trying to help?

Listen with compassion. When you feel ready, thank this part for sharing with you. Take a few deep breaths to close.

The next time your inner critic speaks up—telling you to do more, be better, or work harder—pause. Check in with yourself and gently revisit this practice. With time, you may find that even your most critical parts are simply trying to protect you in their own way.

Allison (Allie) Beer, MSW, LCSW, is a Licensed Clinical Social Worker providing neurodiversity-affirming, trauma-informed therapy for teens and adults. Drawing from Internal Family Systems (IFS), EMDR, and mindfulness practices, she helps clients navigating anxiety, trauma, ADHD, depression, grief, and low self-esteem find healing and cultivate self-compassion. Connect with her at 215-688-5117 or allison@allisonbeerlcsw.com. Learn more at allisonbeerlcsw.com.

Befriending Our Inner Critics: A Path to Self-Compassion

by Allison Beer, LCSW

As a parent to a toddler, there are countless moments when I catch myself listening to a familiar voice in my head saying things like, "You really messed that up" or "You should have handled that differently" or even "You're not being a good mom." This voice, my inner critic, can be pretty loud, especially when I make mistakes, fall short of my values, or say the wrong thing. It’s a constant reminder of where I feel I’m falling short. 

Instead of pushing this voice away, I’ve decided to lean in, get curious, and learn more about its role in my system.

We all have parts of ourselves that push us—our inner critic, the perfectionist, the overachiever, the planner. These parts often feel like relentless forces, driving us to do more, be better, and avoid failure at all costs. It’s easy to resent them, to wish they would quiet down and let us rest. Or even, sometimes, we may wish they would go away all together. 

But what if, instead of fighting them, we got curious?

These critical parts developed for a reason. Maybe the inner critic learned to keep us safe from judgment or bullying growing up. The perfectionist may have kept us on top of schoolwork, so we would receive praise from caregivers. The planner may have ensured we stay in control, while the overachiever sought approval and worth. These parts are protective in nature, and typically they perform their roles to keep us safe or support us in getting our needs met. When we take the time to understand their roles, we can see that they’re not working against us—they’re working for us, just in ways that may no longer serve us.

By meeting these parts with curiosity rather than frustration, we shift from resistance to compassion. We can acknowledge their efforts, thank them for their work, and gently assure them that we don’t need to operate in survival mode anymore. This creates space for more balance, self-trust, and ease.

Next time you hear that inner critic or feel the pull of perfectionism, pause. Instead of pushing it away, ask: What are you trying to protect me from? You may be surprised at the wisdom it holds—and the relief that comes from listening. 

Allison (Allie) Beer, MSW, LCSW, is a Licensed Clinical Social Worker providing neurodiversity-affirming, trauma-informed therapy for teens and adults. Drawing from Internal Family Systems (IFS), EMDR, and mindfulness practices, she helps clients navigating anxiety, trauma, ADHD, depression, grief, and low self-esteem find healing and cultivate self-compassion. Connect with her at 215-688-5117 or allison@allisonbeerlcsw.com. Learn more at allisonbeerlcsw.com.

Meeting the Self-Critic with Compassion

by Elizabeth Venart

Even during a simple conversation between two people, the words said aloud exist on one level while simultaneously entire dialogues play out in each individual’s mind. This is why a seemingly innocent request like, “Please pass the butter,” can spark an argument. The new Pixar film, “Inside Out,” gives life to the concept that, while we have one unified self, we are made up of many parts, parts with different needs and emotions. As we face various choices in our daily lives, our parts may be in agreement or in conflict with one another. Thus the well-known term “inner conflict,” which, for example, happens when one part of us feels enthusiastic about going out to see friends but another part is exhausted and yearns to stay home and read a book.

Most people are familiar with the “Inner Critic” part within them. Some hear this critical voice occasionally, while others hear it nearly constantly. It may comment on our appearance, our performance, how productive we are being, and it can even make us second-guess everything we say in conversations with others. These negative internal messages can greatly influence how we feel and how we behave in our relationships.

Kristin Neff, a respected researcher who has been studying self-compassion for over ten years, believes strongly in the power of compassion to soften our inner critic. In her book, “Self-Compassion: Stop Beating Yourself Up and Leave Insecurity Behind,” she explores why inner communication can often be so critical and how to bring kindness to our internal dialogue. She provides a framework for self-compassion that includes being kind to ourselves, recognizing our common humanity with others, and bringing balanced awareness to our experiences.

Similarly, Internal Family Systems (IFS) therapy suggests we bring compassion and curiosity to all parts of Self, including the inner critic. In this framework, the inner critic is actually working hard to protect us, so we are invited to identify, acknowledge, and appreciate it for its hard work. The process of IFS provides a pathway for people to strengthen Self, the core or essence within each person, trusting that each individual’s Self innately possesses the qualities of calmness, compassion, creativity, confidence, courageousness, clarity, curiosity, and connection. By deepening our awareness of Self and bringing compassion and curiosity to our parts as they arise—even the inner critic—people can make unburdened choices and experience greater freedom and joy.

For most people, learning to treat all parts of Self with compassion is a process requiring patience and practice. At the time I am writing this, the Pixar film has yet to be released. For a fun introduction to the idea that we all have parts of self, why not invite a good friend to go see “Inside Out” with you. Good friends are, by definition, already experts at showing compassion for all of our parts, which makes them great partners as we learn to be equally compassionate with ourselves.

If you would like to deepen your understanding of how IFS can support you in communicating compassionately with yourself, you may want to watch this video [https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=aPx04ZWnkR4] or check out the Internal Family Systems website at selfleadership.org. You can also learn more by contacting me directly. In addition to being the Director of The Resiliency Center, I am a Licensed Professional Counselor who integrates mindfulness, EMDR, and Internal Family Systems into my work with individuals and couples. I love partnering with people to cultivate greater compassion and joy. Learn more at elizabethvenart.com or by contacting me at 215-233-2002 or elizabeth@elizabethvenart.com.