Embracing Your Worst to Find Your Best

by Rachel Kobin

As children, many of us loved hating Cruella de Vil, the villain in 101 Dalmatians (the book or movie). As adults seeking a good book, movie, or TV show, we may prefer characters who are more like people we know, with a full range of positive and negative qualities. We all have flaws, or as I like to say, we are “multifaceted,” which is what makes gemstones shine. 

As much as we accept that people are complex, when we meet someone who makes us recoil, we usually do one of two things: immediately reject them, or get curious and ask, “What is it about this person that irks me?” Very often, we discover that traits we find annoying about someone else are traits we share. 

Confronted by the darker parts of ourselves, it’s easier to plow forward with our lives and tell ourselves, “At least I’m not a puppy-killer like Cruella de Vil." However, ignoring these parts of ourselves is a lot like leaving dirty dishes in the sink: soon, insects infest the sink, so now we have dishes with caked-on food and bugs. Whether we avoid these sides of ourselves using a myriad of self-sabotaging behaviors or hate ourselves for staying stuck in life, it takes a considerable toll on our lives. 

Usually, these shadows, antagonists, or parts have something to teach us. When we dare to engage with them by gently asking what purpose they serve in our lives and how we might work with them to move forward, we are more likely to embrace setbacks as stepping stones that lead us forward on our paths.  

For writers, this process can occur as an author follows the characters they're writing through to the end of the story. The author’s shadows become part of the characters, and the change the main character achieves by the end of the book parallels the kind of transformation all creatives and all people can gain important insights by examining their shadows. When a writer neglects the edgier, unpleasant sides of their characters, readers have a hard time relating to them and often remark that they found them “flat” or “unbelievable.” 

In novels, the writer knows what’s going to happen, and even the reader can skip to the end. In our lives, we don’t know what’s coming next. Our shadow parts, formed by our past, can become guides to a future that beats not being as evil as Cruella de Vil. In “Shadow Work,” a method initially developed by Carl Jung, Internal Family Systems, from Richard C. Schwartz, and many other therapeutic modalities employ a variety of gentle approaches to help us explore these shadow sides of ourselves and make them our allies. Dimensions of ourselves we once feared become portals to a life of increasing contentment, punctuated by moments of joy.

Rachel Kobin is the Founder and Director of the Philadelphia Writers Workshop [Insert link to to: https://phillywriters.com/]. Rachel began writing in the third grade when she adapted the novel Harriet the Spy by Louise Fitzhugh into a play. She went on to write poetry, a screenplay, synopses, critiques of screenplays, copy for advertising, a novel, internal and marketing communications for corporations, market research reports, and a TV pilot. Her poetry has been published in anthologies, but as a creative writing workshops facilitator, editor, and writing coach, she finds seeing other writers succeed—however they define success—even more thrilling than seeing her own writing in print. She is proud to be part of Philadelphia’s robust writers’ community. 

Beginner’s Mind and Our Inner Child

by Vanessa Mortillo

When we have no thought of achievement, no thought of self, we are true beginners. Then we can really learn something. -- Shunryu Suzuki

In every adult there lurks a child - an eternal child, something that is becoming, is never completed and calls for unceasing care, attention and education. That is the part of the human personality which waits to develop and become whole. – Carl Jung

Do you remember a time, as a child, when you encountered something new? When walking in the woods was an opportunity to discover a new bug, or rock formation, to learn something you previously did not know about how the world works? A time when a backyard contained multitudes of mini-worlds to be explored and created. Sometimes things could seem mysterious and scary, unknown, but often these memories are accompanied with a sense of awe and wonder. 

As a child, you do not yet have preconceived notions about things in the world, and for this reason, it is easy to see things in a fresh light. A child’s ability to be creative emerges because the world is not yet sorted into categories and labels, but exists to be explored and played with.

In Zen Buddhism, this quality is referred to as Beginner’s Mind-- approaching the world as though we are seeing it for the first time, with openness and curiosity. Shunryu Suzuki, in his book Zen Mind, Beginner’s Mind offered this concept to modern readers. Suzuki states, "In the beginner's mind there are many possibilities, but in the expert's mind there are few." As we get older, we start to sort and categorize our experiences into expertise and a sense of knowing, that can stop us from seeing things as they truly are. We can also feel dull or restricted by our preconceived notions.  Jon Kabat-Zinn, founder of Mindfulness-based Stress Reduction notes that beginner’s mind, “prevents us from getting stuck in the rut of our own expertise.” Practicing a beginner’s mind keeps us growing and learning. 

So how do we cultivate and practice beginner’s mind? Gaylon Ferguson, Senior Teacher at the Shambala Institute, offers a simple exercise of  “welcoming” as one way to practice. The exercise begins by taking a seat, eyes, open in a soft posture, dropping the effort, and simply noticing what is happening internally and externally for three minutes.

For more practices, or to go deeper, join me for Welcoming the Inner Child: A Day of Art, Play, and Mindfulness. During this day of retreat we will explore, and practice ways of connecting with our inner child wisdom and cultivate beginner’s mind. See details below in featured events section.

Vanessa Mortillo, LPC, is a Licensed Professional Counselor specializing in play therapy, mindfulness, and expressive arts. She provides a playful space to harness creativity and imagination in the service of growth and healing. Using a strengths-based approach, she builds on what is working well in your life. She has worked with adults and children from a variety of backgrounds in home, school, and outpatient settings and is committed to advancing equity and social justice. She can be reached at 267-507-5793 or vanessamortillolpc@counselingsecure.com.