by Trudy Gregson, MS, LPC
“When
I let go of what I am, I become what I might be. When I let go of what I have,
I receive what I need.” - Tao Te Ching
Who
hasn't struggled with letting go at one time or another? Cleaning out a closet
and letting go of old favorites that don’t fit or aren’t your style anymore.
Letting go of expectations - yours or someone else’s - to be the parent,
partner, friend, daughter or son you’re “supposed” to be. Or letting go of a
wish that something outside of your control can be different. Maybe you’ve noticed it as feeling
“stuck”, or perhaps it’s a little voice in the back of your head, or a good
friend advising, “Let it go.” We know we should,
so why is it so hard?
There
are as many reasons why it’s hard as there are reasons for letting go: fear of
judgment or regret, fear of failure, fear of the unknown, to name a few.
Holding on can feel safe and familiar, while the notion of letting go may be
fraught with fear or anxiety. It can feel like a tug-of-war as we weigh our
options, ask for advice, ruminate.
So
there we are, stuck in this tug-of-war, neither side letting go. How do we get “unstuck”? Perhaps it
seems counterintuitive, but letting go requires us to move towards the fear or
anxiety. It’s your fear, unique to you, and your fear can’t actually
hurt you. So rather than “letting go” of fear, I invite you to welcome it by
tuning in to what you’re noticing as you think about letting go. Maybe it’s a
feeling in your stomach, or your chest, or your head, or more of an “all over”
sensation. Maybe an image comes to mind, or a memory. Instead of labeling it as
unpleasant and pushing it away or trying to shut it down, take a few deep breaths
and see if you can be present with it, accepting that it’s here, and noticing
what it needs you to know.
Your
feelings about letting go are simply trying to get your attention, like the
monster that lurks under a child’s bed when it’s time to surrender to sleep. How
can a child sleep with a monster under the bed? So the parent dutifully checks
under the bed, in the closet, in the corners and says, “There’s no monster.”
The parent uses monster spray, just to be sure. When the parent is finished attending
to the monster, does the child really believe there’s definitely no monster in
the room? Probably not, but the child’s fears feel heard. The parent knows
about the monster now, too. The child isn’t experiencing it alone. Maybe there
is a monster, but the parent is there with the child, just down the hall.
We
can be with the monsters that get in the way of letting go without them
overpowering us. We don’t
need to persuade them, just to listen. Once they feel our presence and feel
heard, they tend to loosen their grip. You don’t let go of feelings, they let
go of you. Then you can let go of old beliefs or behaviors, creating space for
new possibilities, new opportunities, and new beliefs that fit who you really
are.
Trudy Gregson is a Licensed Professional Counselor who
works with adults experiencing depression and anxiety, relationship issues,
life transitions, grief and loss. Trudy brings mindfulness practice to her work
with her clients to help them cultivate compassion for themselves and create the
space for change. Trudy offers a free 30-minute phone consultation and can be
reached at trudygregsontherapy@gmail.com or 267-652-1732.
Very much on point at this time in my life. Thanks for that, Trudy.
ReplyDeleteThank you for reading and for your comment!
Delete~Trudy
Enjoyed this piece. The Tao te Ching has been a touchstone for me; a friend shared it after dad died.
ReplyDeleteMore recently came across the book, The Things You Can See Only When You Slow Down. I slowed down long enough to see this book in the gift shop while waiting for Abe to come out of the bathroom at a museum in DC. There’s a nice observation about observing a feeling without trying to change it. “As if gazing at a tree in the backyard, as if sitting by a river and watching the water flow by, quietly observe your feelings as if they are external to you. If you observe your feelings in this way for just three minutes, you will notice their energy and texture slowly changing...Feelings are often born from a matrix of conditions beyond your control. Just like you can’t control the weather, or your boss’s mood, you can’t control the feelings in your body. They are just passing through, like clouds in the sky. They, too, dissipate on their own.”
Hey Rick, thanks for reading, glad you enjoyed it and thanks for sharing your experience.
Delete~Trudy