by Kim Vargas, LCSW
Merriam Webster
defines identity as the “sameness of essential or generic character in
different instances.” Basically, identity
is the core of who we are, regardless of time or place. Identity encompasses
the narrative we tell ourselves about ourselves, and the values we hold dear.
But what happens when
our lives or external circumstances change so dramatically that our old sense
of who we are no longer seems to fit in our current world? What pieces of identity
can be brought with us across life transitions, and what pieces go by the
wayside?
I first started to
explore these ideas in my work with new moms. There is little more jarring to
an identity than to go from life without kids to new parenthood. The competent
corporate executive may be in the board room making million dollar decisions
one day, and the next day find herself without the knowledge or skill to feed a
newborn infant. The personality traits and skill sets that have helped her
succeed in the business world often have little or no bearing on success in
quieting a screaming infant or potty-training a defiant toddler. New parents
may suddenly feel unmoored as individuals. If part of identity is the constancy
of personality traits across time and space, these new parents may begin to
question who they are when those traits can no longer manifest as they have in
the past.
As I watch various
clients go through their own life cycle transitions, it has become increasingly
clear that questioning of one’s personal identity is not limited to new
parents. Teenagers moving into college seek a grasp on identity as they shift
from dependent child to independent young adult. Parents of newly minted adults
struggle to redefine self as they let go of the day-to-day oversight of their
children. Retirees look for a new understanding of self -- as they move from
workers, with the inherent boundaries, restrictions, rules and external
validation of a structured job – to a more unstructured existence. And these
are just a few of the many life changes that can contribute to feelings of loss
or confusion with respect to roles and identity.
Given the
universality of these shifts in identity, I have given a great deal of thought as
to how these transitions can feel less like a shift in who we are at our core, and more like positive change and growth.
Here are a few of my “identity shift guidelines”:
1.
Think
about what makes you “you”. Consider this in terms of personality traits that
are not specific to your current stage, but rather define the parts of self of
which you are most proud. For example, the high school football star who
derived a large piece of his identity from his role as a quarterback might learn
that the important personality trait isn’t the football skill itself, but
instead his extreme perseverance in working toward goals. This perseverance can
persist throughout life transitions.
2.
Think
about activities that make you feel happiest and most fulfilled. For example,
the new mom who loved to be social in her old life may feel like the
combination of work and baby have made her disengage from friendships, losing a
core piece of self. For this mom, creating a Saturday playgroup or joining a
neighborhood bookclub could hit the mark in returning to the social elements of
self.
3.
Allow
yourself to let go of old behaviors that are no longer functional in your
current life stage. Recognize that adopting new behaviors does not spell the
end of an old trait. The man who
derived a sense of self from being the “fix-it” guy as a single person may need
to find new ways to feel that same sense of competency and satisfaction when
family responsibilities no longer allow for spending an afternoon fixing an
appliance. But he may be able to take a leadership role in the local PTA and
feel competent and able to “fix” something in his new world.
4.
Explore
new ways to identify self. Take a class that sounds interesting but may be out
of your comfort zone. Take on a new role at work, at school, or as a volunteer
that may highlight pieces of self you want to hone or never even knew existed.
5.
Define
yourself according to your values, not your accomplishments. Much of who we are
derives from how we see ourselves treating others, including the choices we
make with respect to allocation of our time and resources.
The good news is that
identity is not a solid, stagnant thing, and it is certainly not set in stone. Sometimes
it takes trying on some elements of identity for size before you can determine
whether (or not) the fit is appropriate.
