Practices for Keeping Our Hearts Open

Sometimes the pain of the outer world is so great that it can feel challenging to keep our hearts open. It has been a rough two years. Throughout these unprecedented times, we have found meaning and hope, inspired by our work and supported by our connections as a community. In a recent conversation of Resiliency Center practitioners, we talked about the impact of having great empathy in a time of tremendous pain. We explored the ways we keep our hearts open and caring and how we stay resilient in the process. None of us are perfect at this. Like everyone, it is a work in progress. Below are some of the practices we have found most helpful.

1.      Self-Care. Nutritious food, quality sleep, exercise, rest, play, and time spent in connection with friends, family, and nature. This also includes being mindful about our media consumption. Like the food we eat, the media we consume has a big impact on our mood and outlook. When we prioritize the basics of good self-care, we have a greater capacity to be present with others.

 

2.      Holding the “and.” Brittiney George highlighted the importance of holding the “and,” that bridge between the anguish and the joy, the hate and the love. She spoke about how important it is to let them co-exist. Biologically, we are hard wired for survival.  That means we are set up to pay more attention to what is wrong. However, if we only let ourselves register what feels bad and don’t allow ourselves to also feel what feels good, we will be stuck in that fight-or-flight fear reaction and miss out on all the gifts life has to offer. Brittiney describes the “and” as “the color in the black and white world, the 64 crayon box with the sharpener in the back.” During times of acute distress, personally or globally, we may only see darkness. We may have to look harder for the color, for the goodness.

3.      Be present with our emotions. Jen Perry shared wisdom from Gabor Maté who states that one of the needs of humans as they are developing is the space to feel the full range of human emotions fully. Unfortunately, most of us are not given this space. As a result, we become fearful of our feelings and of other people’s feelings. When someone is expressing strong emotion we view it as a problem to fix, instead of an experience to experience. Efforts to silence our emotions can manifest in our bodies, in the form of headaches, pain, fatigue, and agitation. If we could feel safe to feel ours and others’ emotions fully, we could accompany each other on this journey with compassion instead of exhaustion. As we feel safe and soften, allowing ourselves to ride the wave of emotion, it is a wave: it rises, crescendos, falls again. By being present with whatever feelings arise within us, without working to stop that flow, we find a new freedom, a release, a relief, a freer inhale and exhale. Jack Kornfield in A Path with Heart writes: “What we find as we listen to the songs of our rage or fear, loneliness or longing, is that they do not stay forever. Rage turns into sorrow; sorrow turns into tears; tears may fall for a long time, but then the sun comes out. A memory of old loss sings to us; our body shakes and relives the moment of loss; then the armoring around that loss gradually softens; and in the midst of the song of tremendous grieving, the pain of that loss finally finds release.”

 

4.      One moment at a time. Resiliency Center practitioner Therese Daniels shares, “Thinking about how to help the whole world is extremely overwhelming and not possible. One moment, one person, one situation at a time. That’s what is possible. One small thing can create ripples that affect so many people. We can show up for ourselves and our people. Spread love, show love. If we think small, bigger things will happen, eventually.”

5.      Boundaries. Brittiney George reminds us that when we truly honor our needs and energy, our ability to be with, sit with, and hold space for others increases . Our ability to experience gratitude and joy does too. Begin by asking ourselves, “What do I have the capacity for that is sustainable for me?” Listen to the answer that arises. Honor that boundary.

6.      Connect to the goodness in humanity. Focus on acts of kindness. Read stories of heroism that emerge. We were moved by the story of the mothers in Poland leaving strollers at the train station for all the mothers arriving from Ukraine, the firefighters in New Jersey gathering firefighting uniforms, hats, and boots to send overseas, and the reporters risking their lives to tell the truth.

7.      Care, not Carry. It is also important to remember that while we can care deeply, we don’t have to carry what we care about. We can be with others without feeling responsible for them.

8.      Gratitude. We can find gratitude for the goodness in our own lives. And for life itself. Elizabeth Venart posted a daily gratitude post on Facebook for eighteen months. Some days featured seemingly trivial posts (catching that green arrow at the traffic light) while other days yielded more profound observations (reflecting on the kindness of a stranger, the beauty in nature, and the wisdom of a child). It not only helped improve her own outlook, but others responded that it uplifted their days as well. Seeing the old posts pop up on her Newsfeed still brings a smile. Of course, there is no need to make your reflections public. Keeping a daily gratitude journal of one to five things for which you are grateful can help shift your perspective and improve our mood. You could also experiment with writing down the positives from the day – moments of beauty, kind words spoken, favorite funny moments, a great line from a book you read, anything that uplifts or inspires. And why not include what you are looking forward to tomorrow? When we look for positives, we are likely to see more positives. What we garden (and water) grows.

Breaking the habitual dance

by Jeff Katowitz

 

“A Habit cannot be tossed out the window; it must be coaxed down the stairs a step at a time.” – Mark Twain

 

This has been a tumultuous year and half. Many of us restricted, saw our lives altered and turned upside down, and experienced tremendous feelings of loss and bewilderment. We are beginning to see some hope on the horizon, with people venturing out and engaging in activities, reconnecting with others, and enjoying the simple pleasures in life again. For many of us, however, this last year may have exacerbated the frequency of self-destructive behaviors and undetected suffering. Unable to identify the habitual nature of our actions and behaviors, we may continue to get swept away by dependencies and comforts that are routine and familiar.

 

It is difficult to acknowledge and identify negative behaviors that are cyclical in nature, as they tend to serve a purpose. We are often seduced into believing that a continuation of behaviors that serve us in the moment won’t necessarily hurt us long-term. Our pre-pandemic unhealthy behaviors and tendencies may have increased in frequency during the pandemic, due to stress and limited access to constructive outlets. We may have tricked ourselves into believing we needed these strategies for immediate gratification – that it was our right to fall back on the old faithful friends of numb, soothe, and distract, because nothing else felt stimulating or rewarding. Yet, if we did, our internal suffering continued.

 

As a bit of optimism creeps back into our consciousness – and we witness others venturing out and engaging in activities they have so dearly missed – we are reminded that community is out there for us to join and enjoy again. One of the blessings of the pandemic is that our emergence from suffering can pave a way to new opportunity; we can make a deliberate attempt to orchestrate positive change and outcomes. It may be advantageous to reflect on the past eighteen months and ask ourselves some difficult questions: (1) What are my primary ways of coping with stress? (2) Are my behaviors ultimately helping or hurting my health and relationships? (3) Do I have enough support in my life? If not, what gets in the way of connecting with others and building strong relationships? (4) If my current life is unsatisfying, what is blocking me from making meaningful change?

 

With many of us living for extended periods in isolation over this past year, reaching out to others and connecting has certainly been tricky. Even as we move out of the isolation of the pandemic, we may still have a tendency to remain in comforts that are difficult to let go, satisfying cravings and then rationalizing them. We may be aware of behaviors, routines, and habits we would like to extinguish but feel ill equipped to make necessary changes and establish newer, healthier habits.

 

The first step to bringing about change is to strengthen present moment consciousness. Until we begin paying attention to our feelings, body sensations, and experiences in the present moment, it is nearly impossible to see clearly, let alone create meaningful change. Now is the time to pause, breathe deeply, think about what has happened, and slowly begin to ask the challenging questions about whether certain aspects of our lives are serving us. We cannot decrease addictive-type tendencies and behaviors (such as excessive internet use, gaming, gambling, consumption of food, drugs and alcohol) until we acknowledge underlying pain and any tendencies to run away from that pain. This is a good time to ask for help and assistance. As our time in the physical presence of others increases, it may become easier to talk to friends and family about our struggles. We can be more courageous and vulnerable with what is ailing us – and may discover that seeking support and input from others can make a significant impact. If we become more open and willing to examine changes we would like to bring about in our lives, we may feel less alone and more in community. Sometimes, we may realize we are surrounded by others who share similar patterns of numbing, soothing, and distracting. If that is the case, we may need to venture outside the comfort of our familiar network of support. Perhaps attend a 12-step group (AA, NA, Alanon), Tai Chi classes, or begin studying yoga. Or maybe consider professional help – dedicated time each week with a therapist who will partner with you to adopt new coping skills and create a life you find more meaningful and rewarding.

 

Jeff Katowitz, LMFT is a licensed marriage and family therapist in the state of Pennsylvania. Jeff Katowitz, LMFT, would like to invite those interested in his practice to contact him directly at (215) 307-0055 or jeffkatowitzlmft@gmail.com.