Why Self-Compassion is More Important Than Self-Esteem

by Jen Perry, MSEd, MA, LPC

In my work as a therapist, I find that people frequently come to therapy worried about self-esteem, either their own or that of their children or some other person they love dearly. Self-esteem is generally defined as confidence in one’s self-worth and abilities, as well as having a sense of value and self-respect. However, it is essential to remember that, as humans, we are verbs, not nouns. If valuing and respecting ourselves is the outcome we want, learning about and practicing self-compassion is the way to get there. 

One relevant pitfall I help people avoid is thinking of self-esteem as a fixed state, something you either have or don’t. Confidence and self-esteem are inherently unstable constructs. The truth is that any time we try something new, we will likely lack confidence, feel uncomfortable, and have a lot to learn. Having a growth mindset is so very helpful in these moments. A growth mindset allows for discomfort and stretching when we are growing and learning, which is part of the process of being human.

Self-compassion and a supportive mindset are far more helpful than this idea of “fixed” self-esteem when we find ourselves in new situations with an uncertain outcome.

Self-esteem tends to be viewed through a fixed mindset. This mindset doesn’t allow for growth or process. A fixed mindset purports that you either have the talent for something or you don’t.

Carol Dweck is a researcher who has examined the harmful effects of a fixed mindset. In a nutshell, people who identify with a fixed mindset in their talents seldom want to risk being in a situation that would challenge them or demonstrate they may not be as bright or talented as they think they are.  As a result, they don’t take risks to grow and develop as much as they could if they embrace a growth mindset. And if they do, they tend to blame others or conditions outside of themselves if things don’t go as well as hoped. They miss the opportunity to self-reflect. They miss the chance to grow.

Many people ask me if self-esteem is the root of all their problems. Their self-esteem is low or non-existent. If self-esteem were a tree, they would wish for a towering oak. They fear that they have a very sad sapling that has never had enough nourishment to thrive.

Let’s break down self-esteem. You’ll see why I think it is not only overrated but perhaps an inherently harmful construct that we would all be better off without. Then, I will discuss what may be more helpful.

Webster defines self-esteem as “confidence in one’s worth or abilities; self-respect.” In one aspect, it can be a global assessment of our skills and gifts and how we apply them. However, this is not the way humans typically experience self-esteem. Most humans I know experience situational, context-dependent self-esteem.

Instead of a global, broad-ranging, and honest look at ourselves, we experience how we feel in relation to our situations, the people we are with, and our experiences. In this light, self-esteem is an inherently unstable construct. Most of us gain confidence and belief in ourselves by doing. It’s common to feel situationally low self-esteem when experiencing something new or when our gifts and contributions are not recognized or valued. We are social creatures, and much of our “self-esteem” reflects how others see us, our performance, or our contributions at the moment.

So, I would like to propose that instead of being so fixated on where we are on the self-esteem meter – we focus instead on a more robust and stable construct rooted in a growth mindset: Self-Compassion.

Self-Compassion . . .

Self-compassion is a series of practices that nurture an attitude of kindness and support toward ourselves as we go through life's processes. Self-compassion is extending compassion to oneself in instances of perceived inadequacy, failure, or general suffering.

Kristin Neff is an associate professor at the University of Texas at Austin’s Department of Educational Psychology. She defines self-compassion as being composed of three main components:

• Mindfulness: Self-compassion requires a balanced approach to one’s negative emotions so that feelings are neither suppressed nor exaggerated. Negative thoughts and emotions are observed with openness so that they are held in mindful awareness. Mindfulness is a nonjudgmental, receptive mind state in which individuals observe their thoughts and feelings as they are without trying to suppress or deny them.
• Common humanity: Self-compassion also involves recognizing that suffering and personal failure is part of the shared human experience.
• Self-kindness: Self-compassion entails being warm towards oneself when encountering pain and personal shortcomings rather than ignoring them or hurting oneself with self-criticism.

If I continuously try new and creative things, I will repeatedly feel unsure and have “low self-esteem” feelings. What concerns me is how quickly we label children and evaluate their self-esteem. If self-esteem is going to be up and down throughout their lives situationally as they try new things, wouldn’t it be far more valuable to focus instead on Self-compassion? For a quick taste of what a Self-compassion practice might look like, check out my post here.

Do we want to risk our kids having a sense that we are worried about their self-esteem? Wouldn’t it be better to show them, and ourselves, how to meet ourselves with kindness, no matter where we are, who we are with, or what we are doing?

Jen Perry, MSEd, MA, LPC has been a psychotherapist for over 20 years. She specializes in helping highly sensitive people thrive in love, work, and parenting highly sensitive children. Jen is passionate about using mindfulness and compassion-based approaches to ameliorate human suffering. She can be reached at jen@heartfulnessconsulting.com  or 215-292-5056. Learn more at www.heartfulnessconsulting.com.

Mastering the Art of Communication with Your Teen

by Olivia Ruffin, MS, NCC, LPC

Hey there, parents! Let's be real—raising teens is no joke. The road is often bumpy, and communication during these years can feel like a minefield. Your teen is navigating a whirlwind of emotions, trying to figure out their identity, while seeking more independence. It’s no wonder conversations can quickly spiral into misunderstandings. At this stage, your teen is not always sure how to express what they’re feeling, and sometimes, it feels like you’re speaking different languages. It’s easy to feel overwhelmed. But don't stress because every relationship hits bumps in the road. What matters is how we recover and grow from them.

So, let me ask you this: When was the last time you and your teen had a disagreement, and how did both of you feel afterward? Take a moment to think about it. Now, consider this: What steps have you taken to address misunderstandings with your teen, and how effective do you feel those steps have been?

Reflecting on these questions is the first step towards healing and improving your communication with your growing teen. It's all about understanding, patience, and a whole lot of love. In this article, we’ll explore what to avoid and practical ways to mend those communication gaps and build a stronger, more open relationship with your teen. 

What to Avoid

1. Yelling: Your teen comes home late, and you get frustrated, shouting, “Why can’t you just be responsible for once?” Raising your voice can escalate the situation and create a barrier to effective communication. When you yell, it’s not just your teen who feels hurt and misunderstood—you feel it too. Yelling can leave you feeling guilty and regretful afterward, and it doesn't solve the underlying issues.

2. Sweeping Things Under the Rug: After a big argument about curfew, you both pretend it never happened and don’t bring it up again. Acting like the argument never happened can create emotional distance and lingering tension between you and your teen. Avoiding issues might bring temporary peace, but unresolved problems weigh on your mind and your teen may feel dismissed, which can also lead to your teen not respecting boundaries if they know that you won’t talk or stick to them. 

3. Not Acknowledging Your Wrongs: When your teen says you’re being unfair or too harsh, you brush it off with, “I’m just trying to get you to take things seriously” without really hearing them out. Not admitting your mistakes during miscommunication can really hurt the trust and respect between you and your teen. It might be tough to own up, but dodging responsibility can leave you feeling guilty and your teen feeling unimportant and undervalued. This creates emotional distance and ongoing tension.

4. Buying Forgiveness Out of Guilt: After a heated argument about curfew, you feel guilty and decide to let your teen go to a party with friends, even though you know there might be alcohol there. You hope that giving in will make up for the argument and ease the tension, but it doesn’t address the real issues. It might seem like an easy out, but it often leaves you feeling empty and your teen feeling like their emotions aren’t valued. 

Alright, we've talked about some of the common pitfalls in communicating with your teen—yelling, ignoring issues, not owning up to mistakes, and trying to buy forgiveness. Recognizing these habits is the first step toward learning how to change them. So, how do we move from these unhealthy patterns to healthier, more effective ways of connecting? It starts with empathy, patience, and a willingness to grow together. Let’s dive into some practical strategies that can help transform your interactions, mend those communication gaps, and build stronger, more understanding relationships with your teen.  

1. Stay Calm — Instead of Yelling: When your teen comes home late, instead of yelling, take a deep breath, and calmly say, “I’m glad you’re home safe. Let’s talk about why you were late.” Staying calm helps keep the conversation productive and shows your teen that you’re willing to listen.
   

Tip: If a conversation with your teen starts getting heated, suggest pausing and revisiting it at a specific time. This approach doesn't mean avoiding the issue; it ensures the discussion happens without escalating tensions. 

2. Address Issues Directly — Instead of Sweeping Things Under the Rug: After an argument about curfew, don’t ignore the issue. Sit down with your teen the next day and say, “Let’s discuss what happened last night and how we can avoid this situation in the future.” This approach ensures that both of you feel heard and understood, preventing lingering resentment.

"Sweeping problems under the rug only leads to a lumpy rug. We must confront our issues with honesty and compassion to create lasting change”-Harriet Lerner, PhD.

3. Own Your Mistakes — Instead of Not Acknowledging Your Wrongs: If you realize you’ve been too harsh, acknowledge it. Try saying, “I was too hard on you earlier, and I’m sorry. Let’s find a better way to talk about this.” Admitting your mistakes builds trust and respect, showing your teen that it’s okay to own up to their errors too.

“Validating your child’s feelings doesn’t mean you agree with them, but it shows you understand and respect their emotions.” - Dr. Marsha Linehan

4. Set Boundaries — Instead of Buying Forgiveness Out of Guilt: After an argument about curfew, instead of letting your teen go to a potentially risky party out of guilt, explain your concerns and set clear boundaries. Say, “I understand you’re upset, but I’m worried about your safety. Let’s find a safer way for you to spend time with your friends.” This demonstrates that their well-being is your priority and that actions have consequences.

Parenting has its challenges, but it can also be incredibly rewarding, especially when improving communication deepens your connection with your teen. Imagine staying calm instead of yelling, addressing issues head-on, owning up to mistakes, and setting clear boundaries without trying to buy forgiveness. These changes can help create a better connection with your teen and show them how to handle conflicts with empathy and understanding because you're leading the way! If you’re ready to dive into more effective communication or need help guiding your teen through their challenges, I’m here for you. Let’s work together and build and maintain stronger relationships with your teen. You’ve got this!

Olivia Ruffin, MS, LPC, is a compassionate Licensed Professional Counselor who helps high-achieving teens and women unmask perfectionism and embrace more mindful, joyful lives. She specializes in offering practical strategies to navigate anxiety and life transitions, guiding clients toward lasting change and genuine, long-term growth. Olivia is trained in DBT and EMDR, providing a comprehensive approach to processing traumatic memories and teaching effective techniques for mindfulness and emotional regulation. To connect with Olivia, please call 267-434-1030. Or email oruffinlpccounseling@gmail.com

How to Keep Cool When it’s Hot Hot Hot

by Elizabeth Venart, Resiliency Center Founder and Director (and playful poet)

What are your tricks to beat Summer heat?

Iced coffee, salads, and popsicle treats?

Sprinklers, water hoses cooling hot feet? 

Reading in shade, hammock for a seat?

Art museums, libraries, theater for a play?  

Driving to the shore, shopping in cape May?

Pool time, swimming, Marco Polo games all day? 

Boat rides, going fast, breezes on the bay?

As for me, I enjoy all of these and more.

Ocean waves at sunset, walking along the shore. 

Fireworks, fireflies, relaxed summer evenings I adore.

And promise of autumn color, coolness that’s in store. 

The Hope of Renewal

by Elizabeth Campbell, MS, LPC, RPT-S

        “And in the spring, I shed my skin, and it blows away with the changing winds”.  

        — Florence + The Machine

        “The wound is the place the light enters you.”  — Rumi

I may be one of the few individuals that feels this way, but I love winter.  I love playing in the snow, hot tea, a warm fire, and hiking when the woods are empty, quiet, and crisp.  I love it so much that I felt a bit grumpy when the weather started to warm.  As a Highly Sensitive Person, change is challenging and I wasn’t ready yet.  Until the flowers bloomed.  

Every day I find myself amazed by the miracle of the world coming to life again.  I say this fully knowing how cheesy this sounds.  But gosh darn it if I am not smiling at a new flowering tree the next day.  

Part of my joy and appreciation for this rebirth of nature is the hope that it brings.  As I said before, I like the dark and cold of the winter.  The juxtaposition of a warm fire and twinkling holiday lights reminds me that light is present even in the darkest of times.  As a trauma therapist (and a human), I have seen so much darkness.  You can become acclimated to it, even expect it.  Something about this spring lit up the clarity inside me that as we hold space for and appreciate the darkness, we make room for all of the light to come in.  

I see this hope when I support people in EMDR therapy for trauma.  As they move into their pain, so often the other side is compassion, clarity, calm, or perspective.  It is a renewal of the spirit.  

As we move through this renewal and get closer to the fun, sun, and light of summer, I invite you to pause.  Perhaps there was a moment in your life in which a single bud or a glimmer of light started to shine in on your pain.  So often we don’t even notice that first blossom until the flowers are all around us.  Pausing in this first moment of transition may allow even greater gratitude for the full, lush growth and light of summer.  The fullness of opening to all of the light and the joy.

Elizabeth Campbell is a Licensed Profession Counselor, Registered Play Therapist Supervisor, and EMDR Consultant in Training who provides empowerment and strength-based support to individuals in personal growth and change.  She specializes in play therapy with children, supporting Highly Sensitivity, and IFS-informed EMDR for all ages. She provides supervision and consultation for licensure as well as EMDR and play therapy certification.   If you would like to connect with Elizabeth, reach out at elizabeth@elizabethcampbellcounseling.com or 610-757-8163 or learn more at www.elizabethcampbellcounseling.com

Writing—not just for writers!

by Rachel Kobin 

You don’t have to wake up at ungodly hours, hunch over your keyboard, tap out hundreds of words, and then go to your day job to reap the psychological benefits of writing. Even if you think you’re not good at it, writing can enhance your life. As a human, you have the right to express yourself and tell your story. Your voice is unique, and that voice can be used privately as part of your self-care practice or shared to the extent you find rewarding. 

You already have everything you need to start

Most people use writing to do things like write to-do lists, shopping lists, texts, and memos for work. This kind of writing does not help our mental health, but it is an entry point to keeping a journal. By looking at those lists or even your calendar on a regular basis and asking, “What stands out? What was upsetting or enjoyable about any of those things?” you will find something resonates with you. It may even generate a physical feeling like raising your pulse rate. Once you’ve locked into one of these items, start writing. Don’t worry about the quality of your sentences or your vocabulary, just move what’s in your head and body onto the page without worrying about the result. 

This kind of journal entry gives your future self a picture of your what your life was life, which you’ll be grateful to have later. It also helps you think through the emotional aspects of your life. As writer Joan Didion said: “I write entirely to find out what I’m thinking, what I’m looking at, what I see, and what it means. What I want and what I fear.” Moving your thoughts and feelings from your head to the page helps you gain clarity on what tends to upset you, and perhaps learn how to prevent or manage events like this more effectively in the future. Identifying people or events that make you feel good help you welcome more of these experiences into your life. 

Be kind to the writer within

Above all, make every effort to avoid judging what you write. Many people have had teachers or peers that shamed them about their writing. In my first year of college, a group of students told me I didn’t know how to write an introductory paragraph. I called my mother, a published author, I needed a writing tutor. The professor returned my paper with this message: “A– Never listen to your peers.” So, when you sit down to write, thank your peers, those internal voices screaming mean things at you for trying to protect you from taking risks and ask them to go play outside. This is a risk worth taking. 

In fact, expressive writing—writing about your thoughts and feelings—has been scientifically shown to increase our ability to regulate our emotions, improve mood, memory, self-esteem, and decrease stress levels. With all of those benefits, why not try a journaling prompt right now? I invite you to try one of the most popular journaling exercises (from a professor at the University of Iowa) we do in The Philadelphia Writers’ Workshop: Use the alphabet (A-Z) to loosen topics from your mind. Simply start listing them. For instance, A is for Anaconda, B is for the blue ink stain on my floor, C is for Chocolate, D, the delights of spring, E-clipse… As soon as you find a topic you want to write about, start writing. On another occasion, start at the next letter. In my case, if I chose the eclipse, I would start the next time at the letter F. 

That F is for fun and flights of fancy, flying in the face of rules, and flinging those fresh words around to fabulously to face fears, facilitate fulfillment, and fire up your fabulous self. 

Rachel Kobin is the Founder and Director of Philadelphia Writers’ Workshop [Insert link to to: https://phillywriters.com/]. Rachel began writing in the third grade when she adapted the novel Harriet the Spy by Louise Fitzhugh into a play. She went on to write poetry, a screenplay, synopses, critiques of screenplays, copy for advertising, a novel, internal and marketing communications for corporations, market research reports, a TV pilot, and more. Since she began facilitating creative writing workshops and provided editing and coaching services in 2011, she has found that seeing other writers succeed—however they define success—even more thrilling than seeing her own name in print. She is proud to be part of Philadelphia’s robust writers’ community. 

Spring into Growth

by Therese Daniels, LPC, CNIT (Certified Nature Informed Therapist)

We have been conditioned by society to set new goals in January, the start of a new year. Start fresh, stop doing this, start doing that, get to the gym. While in theory this may seem like a good idea, it goes against our roots, against Mother Nature. Bears hibernate, trees, plants, and vegetables delay growth. Nature rests in the Winter and maybe we should too. 

Spring is the season of planting and growing. Many people lose motivation pretty quickly for those goals they set at the start of January. An article in Time magazine states that as many as 80% of people fail to keep their resolutions by February and only 8% of people stick with them the entire year. But think about how you feel in the Spring. When that first sunny day hits, the temperature is above 55 degrees (which feels hot because our bodies have adapted to the cold) and you want to rip off those socks and break out the flip flops and let your toes breathe and soak up the sunshine! Motivation for goals is more likely to stick at this time of year because that is what is natural. This is when we plant seeds for flowers and food to bloom later in the season. The animals wake up and are rested and energized for new things to come. Colors come back! This is a reason why setting new goals in the Spring vs. the Winter is something to be considered.

Goal setting and comfort zones

As a Certified Nature Informed Therapist, I have been able to encourage people to use the many benefits of nature to help them in goal setting and in getting comfortable with the uncomfortable. Some of the greatest things in life involve a certain level of feeling uneasy. Meeting new people, starting a new job, moving to a different home, exercising, parenting, even love has a level of discomfort. If we ran from all of these things, what would happen? Not much. Growth mindset is a term that has become popular over the past several years. The general meaning of the term is that you thrive on challenge and don’t see failures as a setback, but a way to make shifts to continue to move forward and set new goals. To keep going, to grow. 

Last Spring, I was working with someone who had pretty severe performance anxiety and he had a big martial arts challenge coming up. We took our sessions to the trails and more importantly, to the creek. There is a swing that hangs under a large bridge that runs over the creek. My client showed a lot of interest in getting to the swing but was afraid to do so. There were steep and muddy hills with tree roots and branches and wet leaves along the way. And once you got down to the water’s edge you still had to enter the water and navigate slippery rocks to get to the middle of the creek where the swing hung. It took some time, but by the summer, he was swinging on that swing and feeling so proud. Each week we got closer and closer, and he felt more and more brave. Throughout our sessions, I was able to use our experience in nature and transfer it to his fear of performing in front of others. He realized he could do things that felt scary and have success. A week after he went swinging, he took his martial arts test and passed with flying colors! 

I believe we can find a balance between allowing ourselves the time to rest and prepare while also believing in ourselves enough to face challenges and to get back up when we fall down. Look to nature to and follow its course. Going back to our roots and what is innately in us and around us can help us spring into growth! 

Therese M. Daniels, MA, LPC, is a Certified Nature-Informed Therapist who has been in the mental health field over 20 years. She provides individual, couples, and family counseling for children, teens, and adults. She offers regular nature walks and creates nature retreats to introduce the power of nature to support healing and wellness. She specializes in supporting people with anxiety, depression, self-esteem struggles, life transitions, and more. 

Community Care

by Elizabeth Campbell, MS, LPC, RPT-S

“The truth of who we are, is that we are, because we belong. It’s in our DNA.” — Desmond Tutu

One of the most relaxed and oxytocin-filled times that I recall is waking up on my rope cot in my host family’s home in Ganeshpur, Nepal.  It was a chilly morning, I was curled up in my sleeping bag, and I heard the soft raspy voice of my host mother talking in the next room and engaging in her morning chores.  It was my first international service trip and first time staying with a host family.  I was amazed that I felt so connected to a family and a community that I could not easily communicate with.  The deep relationship that we formed through working towards a mutual goal:  building a school for the community, and caring for another in the process, was life-changing.  

The communal nature of Nepal’s culture and all of the rural communities I stayed in while doing international service work stands in stark contrast to our culture.  Families lived in adjoining homes or on the same property and shared chores and childcare.  Friends and family members were together throughout the day and no one was left with the isolation of a never ending to do list with no support.  Parents learned by example by seeing generation after generation raising children.  There is an oft repeated joke among parents when people say “It takes a village (to raise a child),” “How do I sign up?!”  

Unfortunately, for many in our culture, the village is not there.  Whether that is due to living far away from family members, cutting off toxic relationships, or loss, often modern American individuals are often isolated and overwhelmed.  We saw in the pandemic how isolation can breed stress and subsequent mental health and wellbeing challenges and the Surgeon General recently release research showing that it impacts physical and mental health.  Yet our society continues to value independence, which cuts us off from the benefits of interdependence.  

All of that being said, I am not ready to sign up for communal living.  I love spending time with others and then going home to have quiet time to recharge my Highly Sensitive, introverted batteries.  I say all of this to highlight the gift that interdependence brings.  I often see this gift in The Resiliency Center practitioner community.  The same wise clinicians that supported me when I began my practice are supporting me as I support supervisees to learn and grow.  I see this gift in my friendships.  I recommended to my neighbor the book Sensitive and she loaned me Hunt, Gather, Parent (a must read when thinking about community).  We so often think about self-care as taking bubble baths and doing yoga, which is lovely.  I encourage us all to also care for ourselves by filling up both ourselves and others in connection and support.  

Elizabeth Campbell is a Licensed Profession Counselor, Registered Play Therapist Supervisor, and EMDR Consultant in Training who provides empowerment and strength-based support to individuals in personal growth and change.  She specializes in play therapy with children, supporting Highly Sensitivity, and IFS-informed EMDR for all ages. She provides supervision and consultation for licensure as well as EMDR and play therapy certification.   If you would like to connect with Elizabeth, reach out at elizabeth@elizabethcampbellcounseling.com or 610-757-8163 or learn more at www.elizabethcampbellcounseling.com