Life on Fast Forward

by Carolyn Abele, MS, LPC

 

Spring has sprung, and I need to stop and smell the roses.  Too often I find myself thinking about the future, rather than seeing the good of what is currently happening around me.  Maybe it is this time of year. Perhaps we all continue to experience the affliction known as “Senioritis” – when high school seniors cannot wait for summer to get here (from the moment March 1^st arrives) and can focus on little else. Thoughts range from “Ugh. I can’t wait for school to be over” to “Summer is going to be so great!”  Then I catch myself, and think: “Wait, wasn’t I just wishing and hoping for my kids to be back in the classroom?”  During this crazy pandemic year, I stressed endlessly about what school would look like for my kids and all the clients with whom I work. What stops me from seeing the good in the now, without fast-forwarding to the next, better thing on the horizon?

 

In working with my clients recently, the overarching theme has been “When will this be over?”  Everyone is looking to speed ahead into the future, without seeing the good stuff present right now. The blue skies and mild spring weather. The laughter. The outdoor reunion with friends after a cold winter. The jokes at the dinner table.

 

I’m guilty of this as well.  Most mornings consist of getting everyone ready to run out the door, chasing behind them sweating after I have just showered for my day to start.  I think: “How many more days until school is out?”  In my hurry for these busy mornings to end, I am missing the fun of my kids picking out their hairstyles, leaving hidden notes for me, and the hugs as they leave the car.  When I am able to stop and be present, I see that the rush is only a small fraction of the day. A day that is otherwise filled with promise and joy. 

 

The everyday stresses can mount up and make us want to jump ahead to what seems like the greener grass.  This reminds me of the fascinating premise for the not-very-funny movie “Click” with Adam Sandler. He gets a “universal remote” for his life. With it, he can take control of life events even as they unfold: freeze a scene, fast-forward, reverse, mute the sound, select the chapters of his choice, and skip those things he finds boring or unpleasant. What he discovered after decades of fast forwarding through the “bad” or tedious moments of life was that he had skipped those moments that, when added together, create a full, complete and rewarding life; he  missed out on life itself.

 

Thankfully, there is no “universal remote” to feed some of our instincts to skip life’s mundane and less pleasant times. Instead, we have a new choice in every moment. How do we address these thoughts of annoyance or impatience when they are swallowing us up?  We press pause. We throw on some rosy colored glasses that actually allow us to see more clearly, to give us that happier perspective. Pausing to look again, we can see the beauty in the now and just be.  Look around. Take a mindful moment. Be grateful for even the smallest joy in your life.  And when that is hard, it’s okay. A new moment is on the horizon. A new joy awaits.

 

Carolyn Abele, MS, LPC works with children, teens and families as well as individuals.  She specializes in working with individuals with anxiety and depression, as well has helping children and their families with behavior related challenges. To connect with Carolyn, please call 215-354-7941 or visit her website at carolynabeletherapy.com.

Connection during COVID - by Kim Vargas

For what are you most grateful as you look back over the year and why? I am truly the most grateful for my family. I’m not sure how I could have gotten through this past year without them. Having young children provided both a distraction and an opportunity to focus on what feels most important. While the world felt totally out of control at times, and there were many feelings of helplessness with respect to that, I felt grateful to be able to focus on connecting with people that I really love. 

 

What did you take for granted this year? I’m sure there were many things that I did take for granted, but I’m not entirely sure what they were. I tried very hard to be aware and intentional about knowing how exceptional even the mundane things were this year. I was aware that none of us could take our health, our families, or our livelihood for granted in the ways that we might normally.  

 

What did this reveal to you about yourself and your presence in the world? I was surprised at how little I missed certain parts of my normal existence. While I despised the reason that we had to slow down so much, I also observed in myself some relief at not having to engage in many of the ways we are normally called upon to engage. 

 

What new hobby or old pastime did you take up or revive during this time? I remembered how much I love doing jigsaw puzzles, reading, and playing board games. 

 

Was there an unexpected joy that you experienced during this time? I reconnected on a regular basis with my college roommates, which is something I haven’t done in about 20 years. We started a group text chain with 7 of us, and I was reminded what a witty, loving, smart, warm group of people this is. I feel so lucky to have them in my life, especially on a more regular basis. 

 

What is the most important thing that they year of COVID 19 has taught you? I know this sounds trite, but it has really reminded me of what is important in my life. I haven’t spent time with my parents in over a year, and I am reminded how incredible they are, and how much I miss them every single day. It has taught me a lot about what is important, and where to focus my energy, versus what is not important but takes up a lot of my brain space. I’m hopeful that even after this crisis passes, I will be able to hold on to some of that knowledge! 

 

Mindfulness in the year of COVID - by Lisa Grant-Feeley

During the past 30 years, I have been a woman, a wife, a mother, a daughter, a student, a teacher, a student again, and a therapist.  I don’t know if all, or at least most, women are like me, but I had a strong inclination to put everyone and everything else first. I love being all of those things listed above and I’ve enjoyed my life.  The thing is that I didn’t always take time for me! 

 

By living through this past year and the pandemic, I’ve learned: to make time for me and the parts of my life that are important to me.  I’ve learned to connect with my family and friends on a deeper level, even when it wasn’t easy to do so, to appreciate the value of sharing difficult feelings that were made less difficult simply by sharing them, to reach out and join with someone in this struggle, to offer and receive support and find strength.  I think I learned this because with the pandemic, we can’t take tomorrow for granted. 

 

I learned that slowing down and making time to be human with other humans fulfilled a fundamental need in me.  One that I had overlooked or gotten out of touch with because my life was full and busy.  Almost since I can remember, my pace had been so hectic that I would literally have to stop and catch my breath as if I had been jogging through my day!  

  

Now, I spend my time mindfully doing just one thing at a time, and feeling more at peace and I’ll also more alive as a result (and surprisingly, just as productive!).  I cherish moments of everyday joy, being grateful not only for the moment and the joy but also for the ability to cherish it. 

 

I’ve also learned that the feelings of sadness and pain are easier when those moments are accepted, honored and shared, not feared or ignored.  Because being human means that we feel both the joy and the pain. I’ve learned that I’ll take all of it: stronger connection with family and friends, struggling together instead of alone, slowing down and savoring each moment, even take the sadness and pain.  I’ve learned to be better at being human! 

Slowing down during the year of COVID - by Carolyn Abele

For what are you most grateful as you look back over the year and why? I am sure this will change as I have time and space to reflect.  I am grateful for the time I have had with my family.  Like real time.  Before COVID,  I was waking up at 4:15am to get to my gym class then rushing to a really intense job running a school and then rushing back to pick up my kids.  My husband traveled constantly.  There was only quality time on the weekends, between errands.  I am beyond thankful for the slower pace, having my husband home and doing random fun things together.  I prided myself on how I managed it all, got it all done and didn’t need anyone’s help.  My life during COVID has been new, frustrating, exciting, boring, refreshing, adventurous – and a wake up call. 

 

What did you take for granted this year?  I took for granted all the things I thought I “should” have – easy access to food, ability to do what I want when I want to do it, paper products, education for my kids, and access to my family.  Losing these things initially felt like a loss of my freedom and peace of mind.  I took those things as given because I thought I was entitled to them.  

 

What did this reveal to you about yourself and your presence in the world?  This really made me realize how privileged I am to not have to worry about “everyday things”.  Suddenly getting food felt like foraging for crumbs, and my kids education felt like a privilege and I feared that their futures were doomed.  I know now that things can slow down, and everything doesn’t have to be the way it was, or the way I want it to be. And it is OK.  Kids are resilient, and I have to model that. 

 

What new hobby or old pastime did you take up or revive during the months of lockdown? Play.  Leisure.  I walked a lot.  I used to think walking was boring and I needed to be running and sweating.  The walks were great with my family, without anyone or with my dog (who is terrible at walking). 

 

Was there an unexpected joy that you experienced during this time? I honestly thought I was going to go crazy at home.  I like to be out and about and doing things.  I was able to slow down and learn that I didn’t have to have a schedule everyday of things to do and see.  

 

What is the most important thing that the year of Covid 19 has taught you? Uhh!  SO hard!  That I won’t win a prize for being the “I can do it all Mom”.  Be present, take it all in, and make time for the things I think are more important. 

A year of living with and learning from COVID 19 - by Heather Hill

Do you remember your life a year ago?  What you were doing/planning/dreaming about?  This February, I’m intensely aware that we are approaching the one year anniversary of living with COVID 19.  It’s hard to believe all that has taken place.  2020 and part of 2021 seems like it’s been suspended in time or that time itself has found a wrinkle that we are living.  If someone had told me we would be living this long in various stages of lockdown a year ago, I would have climbed right out of my skin.  Instead, it has been a slow wayward journey of shedding expectations, slowing down, living with uncertainty, cherishing those we love, enjoying nature, getting outdoors, being grateful for what we have, and learning to live with less.  Inspired by a Facebook Post, of all things, I invited the practitioners of the Resiliency Center to reflect on their journey through the year in this newsletter.  Here are the questions for reflection which we invite the reader to reflect on as well: 

 

Questions to consider: 

1. For what are you most grateful as you look back over the year and why? 

2. What did you take for granted this year?   

3. What did this reveal to you about yourself and your presence in the world?   

4. What new hobby or old pastime did you take up or revive during this time? 

5. Was there an unexpected joy that you experienced during this time?  

6. What is the most important thing that the year of Covid 19 has taught you?   

 

We close this newsletter with some of our favorite shows and books that have accompanied us along the way.  Almost every phone call or zoom gathering I have had with friends and family has ended with sharing our favorite stories either in book or digital form.  These stories have made us laugh, inspired us or temporarily transported us away from the angst and stress of living through COVID times.   

 

My Reflections

For what are you most grateful as you look back over the year and why? I’m grateful for my family, friends and health but that is not unusual except that I feel it more palpably and daily.  This year, I’ve also been grateful for my work that allows me to connect with others in a meaningful way and on a deeply human level, to bear witness to the strength and resiliency of the human spirit and to laugh in the midst of struggle and pain.   

 

What did you take for granted this year? This year I learned how much I always take for granted:  opportunities and a sense of safety afforded to me by white privilege, health, food security, choices for education, employment, space- both in my own home and in my neighborhood.   

 

What did this reveal to you about yourself and your presence in the world? This has revealed to me that I have been sleepwalking in some ways.  The struggle and challenges of 2020 have awakened within me an urgency about social, racial, and environmental justice.  This year has revealed to me that my busy-ness can and does rob me of precious energy and clarity needed to devote to working for causes I believe in and spending more time with people I love.  The time to rest, reflect can bring forth a return to the things that truly matter.       

   

What new hobby or old pastime did you take up or revive during this time? I found Yoga with Adrienne on Youtube!  I have never been a regular practitioner of yoga because I’d much rather run, spin or swim...but Adrienne’s delightful personality and less than one hour classes won me over.  I also reconnected with a textile artist friend who has guided me on a journey called “The Art of Weaving a Life” by Susan Barrett Merrill.  I find weaving to be soothing and meditative...and less frustrating to me than knitting! 

   

Was there an unexpected joy that you experienced during this time? One day we dragged our firepit to the end of the driveway and invited our neighbors, who we used to hold at a respectful distance, to join us.  Thus began an unlikely friendship of two families from different political parties during an election year.  We watch over each other, take care of our neighbors who can’t get to the grocery store or shovel their walks, and coordinate a weekly dinner exchange.  Also the birds coming to our new birdfeeder along with the time to slow down and observe them always gives me joy.  It just never gets old seeing a male bright red cardinal in the winter landscape.     

 

What is the most important thing that the year of Covid 19 has taught you? I have always been a restless soul and felt the constant need to get out or see lots of friends.  I’ve resisted quieter pastimes and the rest that is so restorative.  The year of COVID 19 taught me I could adapt and not just survive, but thrive on simple pleasures like baking bread, having patience, finding connection and loving the people right in your own backyard.  I am integrating more of my values into my space and my family’s life.  I learned that small acts of kindness are the surest route to a sense of connection and belonging. 

 

Slowing Down This Fall ~ Living Life From a Place of Rest

by Jen Perry, LPC

Summer had a spontaneity to it for me this year with lots of kids activities and spur-of-the-moment trips to the lake and beach. This fall, I find myself craving a bit more paced of a schedule and routine. The benefits of rituals and routines are many - including a gentle holding pattern that allows us to live our lives from a place of rest.

Can you imagine what living life from a place of rest might be like? Instead of letting the frantic and frenetic pace of modern life dictate our personal pace in the world ~ living life from a place of rest has three important components: 1) prioritizing the essential basic need of sleep; 2) daily scheduling periods of activity with periods of downtime; as well as 2) cultivating a sense of calm moment to moment. This article will focus on the first component: Sleep.

"Sleep is the golden chain that ties health and our bodies together.” ~ Thomas Dekker

Living life from a place of rest means to emphasize that we rise each morning from rest and will return again in the evening to this restful state. It means to be intentional about our nighttime routines so that we can deepen the level of rest we can achieve. It is knowing how to skillfully meet occasional bouts of insomnia with confidence. Insomnia and sleep problems are often considered effects of stress, depression, and anxiety but new research shows that it can be a considerable contributor to these problems. Here is an article about just that: https://www.theguardian.com/society/2017/sep/06/lack-of-sleep-could-contribute-to-mental-health-problems-researchers-reveal. Being intentional about how we approach this important third of our lives can be preventative as well as help address many mental health challenges.

Sleep “is a pragmatic response to good health. If you have good sleep, it increases your concentration, attention, decision-making, creativity, social skills, health. If you get sleep, it reduces your mood changes, your stress, your levels of anger, your impulsivity, and your tendency to drink and take drugs.” ~ Russell Foster. His Ted Talk can be found here: https://www.ted.com/talks/russell_foster_why_do_we_sleep

There must be some important reason that our bodies require so much rest. For a fascinating dip into the history of humans trying to figure out why and how we sleep here: https://www.howsleepworks.com/how.html I’m struck by the apparent import of sleep: if you live to be 100 you will have spent a cumulative 30 years asleep. I firmly believe in working with our bodies and natural rhythms for health and wellness and given the sheer percentage of time dedicated to sleep from an evolutionary standpoint I think it is worth considering how we approach it nightly.

And yet, many of us (myself included at times) deny or at a minimum rail against this very basic human need for rest. Many of us find we have an inner revolt of sorts towards bedtime, most of us carry an inner child who continues to throw a tantrum at bedtime. This is an invitation to re-parent ourselves and take our inner three year old to bed with intention.

A few suggestions to get a good night’s sleep:

Have a bedtime routine that puts you to sleep on purpose. This does not need to be complicated, just a few simple cues to your body that sleep is coming. Washing your face, brushing teeth, making a gratitude list, doing a guided meditation are all good ideas. Instead of crashing on the couch, send yourself off to bed with the intention for rest.

Lower the temperature in your room. Experts seem to suggest a temperature between 60-67 degrees for adults, 65-70 for kids.

Darken your room. Turn off all lights, electronics, get dark out curtains or a bed tent. (Find a bed tent here: https://www.privacypop.com/?gclid=EAIaIQobChMI76zQzdaa1gIVgiaGCh1Ndg6dEAAYASAAEgIU3PD_BwE. Bed tents are great for kids!

Use a white noise maker such as this one at Amazon: https://www.amazon.com/HemingWeigh-White-Noise-sound-Machine/dp/B01NAPB57J/ref=sr_1_4_a_it?ie=UTF8&qid=1505048583&sr=8-4&keywords=white+noise

Shut down screens at least an hour before bed

Aim to get at least seven hours of sleep

Go to sleep and wake up at approximately the same time each day. Your body is amazing … if you ask it to stay up beyond bedtime you WILL get a second wind and be able to stay up, albeit at some cost to your health and well-being that accumulates over time. Read more at https://brightside.me/inspiration-health/how-to-fix-all-your-sleep-problems-with-science-302110/

What to do when you can’t sleep. If you have insomnia, the worst thing you can do is freak out. This will push sleep further away. Instead, emphasize to yourself that rest counts for something and sleep studies show that we often get more sleep than we think we do during sleepless nights. Breathing and intentionally relaxing your body, or practicing sleep yoga or yoga nidra can be very helpful. Here is an example of a yoga nidra:  http://www.yoganidranetwork.org/mp3/space-love-compassion. Counseling can help with insomnia and other self-care issues.

Jen Perry is a Licensed Professional Counselor, Mindfulness Meditation Teacher, Peaceful Parenting Educator and Coach. Jen’s approach to her client’s mental health and wellbeing focuses on implementing mindful self-care and self-compassion practices. Jen helps people prioritize what is truly important to them and build a heartful life that they love. In addition to seeing clients individually, Jen works with families and runs a weekly Mindfulness and Self-Compassion Therapy Group. Jen can be reached at jen@heartfulnessconsulting.com or 215-292-5056. Additional blog posts can be found at https://heartfulnessconsulting.com/blog/