On Pet Loss

by Vanessa Mortillo

“There is hardly time to love a dog as you’d like, as the dog would no doubt like.” — Robert Dessaix

Yesterday as I frantically prepared for work I was frustrated to notice that I was covered in dog hair. As I grabbed the lint roller, a pang of melancholy hit me. Since I had lost my dear, faithful beloved dog, Danygirl, these pesky dog hairs on my clothes are the last remnants of her. I never thought I would be so sad to not be covered in dog hair. 

This moment is one of the many moments that pet owners experience as they process the loss of a pet. It is not only the loss of a loved one, but the moments through your daily routine that were shaped by your time with your pet. Losing a pet is similar to grieving any loved one, and yet it is not the same. While almost everyone in my community has treated my loss very seriously, many people are told that their soul animal was “just an animal.”  In my journeys online, looking for comfort for my grief over my dog, I saw so many posts and messages of people admitting that the loss of their pet was harder than certain loved ones in their life. While every pet is different, pets provide unconditional, uncomplicated support. For many of us humans, our time with our pet is the only time we experience this. This love is much much simpler and more profound. This is why pet loss is devastating.

Another factor complicating grief over our pets is that we take on the difficult decision to offer the mercy of euthanasia. I had an intense mix of feelings about this. It felt uncomfortable to ostensibly play god by choosing to end my dog’s life. However, despite my awareness that losing her would be hard to bear, it was even more unbearable to watch her struggling and not feeling well. The decision is difficult, and many factors complicate each pet owner’s decision. 

And then, there is the time after the loss. This is the work of grief.  Below are just a few suggestions for how to manage grief surrounding the loss of a pet. 

Feel your feelings

Remember that your beloved pet was a family member, and that your grief and devastation are human responses to losing a family member. Write love letters, poems and journal entries for your pet. Visit the places you went to. Do anything you can think of to honor your pet.

Trust your gut

If you feel like your pet is present with you in spirit, allow that to be true. If you feel that you need to hang on to the pet’s personal belongings, do that. There is not a wrong way to grieve.

Memorialize your pet

Memorials are important rituals that help us process our grief and reflect on the beautiful and important parts of our relationships. You can create an altar, have a memorial service, plan to scatter ashes in a favorite place, hang a paw print — anything that will honor the relationship you had with your pet. 

Consider a Pet Loss Support Group

If you are grieving the loss of a pet, you are in good company. A group can offer a community of people who are willing to listen and support each other through this vulnerable time. See resources below for pet loss support. 

Reach out to a therapist

For many, the feelings of loss of a pet are so profound that they experience complicated grief. If you are struggling to manage, have noticed depression or a decline in your mental health, please reach out for support. 

Vanessa Mortillo, LPC, is a Licensed Professional Counselor specializing in play therapy, mindfulness, and expressive arts. She provides a playful space to harness creativity and imagination in the service of growth and healing. She can be reached at 267-507-5793 or vanessamortillolpc@counselingsecure.com.

Mindfulness in the year of COVID - by Lisa Grant-Feeley

During the past 30 years, I have been a woman, a wife, a mother, a daughter, a student, a teacher, a student again, and a therapist.  I don’t know if all, or at least most, women are like me, but I had a strong inclination to put everyone and everything else first. I love being all of those things listed above and I’ve enjoyed my life.  The thing is that I didn’t always take time for me! 

 

By living through this past year and the pandemic, I’ve learned: to make time for me and the parts of my life that are important to me.  I’ve learned to connect with my family and friends on a deeper level, even when it wasn’t easy to do so, to appreciate the value of sharing difficult feelings that were made less difficult simply by sharing them, to reach out and join with someone in this struggle, to offer and receive support and find strength.  I think I learned this because with the pandemic, we can’t take tomorrow for granted. 

 

I learned that slowing down and making time to be human with other humans fulfilled a fundamental need in me.  One that I had overlooked or gotten out of touch with because my life was full and busy.  Almost since I can remember, my pace had been so hectic that I would literally have to stop and catch my breath as if I had been jogging through my day!  

  

Now, I spend my time mindfully doing just one thing at a time, and feeling more at peace and I’ll also more alive as a result (and surprisingly, just as productive!).  I cherish moments of everyday joy, being grateful not only for the moment and the joy but also for the ability to cherish it. 

 

I’ve also learned that the feelings of sadness and pain are easier when those moments are accepted, honored and shared, not feared or ignored.  Because being human means that we feel both the joy and the pain. I’ve learned that I’ll take all of it: stronger connection with family and friends, struggling together instead of alone, slowing down and savoring each moment, even take the sadness and pain.  I’ve learned to be better at being human! 

Emotions and Compassion

by Catherine McLaughlin

When we experience emotional pain, our natural tendency is to push “bad” feelings away before we fully experience them.  To be alone with them.  These feelings can get trapped in our bodies and cause physical and psychological pain.

Many approaches to therapy teach us that if we think or behave differently, our pain will naturally go away.

However, this focus on changing thoughts and behaviors doesn’t work for everyone.

There is another way. We can free up the unfelt “bad” feelings when we experience them in the presence of compassion and lovingkindness.  Facing feelings together, we learn that we are not alone in our pain and find a way back to ourselves. 

Catherine McLaughlin, LPC, practices Accelerated Experiential Dynamic Psychotherapy (AEDP) at the Resiliency Center.  If this therapeutic approach sounds like a good fit for you, please give her a call at 267-800-5073 or email Catherine@cjmcounseling.com for a complimentary consultation.