Love Beyond Romance

by Allison Beer, MSW, LCSW

“We need friends who wince along with our pain, who tolerate our gloom, and who allow us to be weak for a while when we’re finding our feet again.” - Katherine May, Wintering: The Power of Rest and Retreat in Difficult Times

February brings Valentine’s Day—a holiday known for candlelit dinners, heart-shaped chocolates, and grand romantic gestures. It often places romantic partnership at the center of our understanding of love. Yet many of us are shaped just as profoundly by friendship: the people bear witness to our lives and help us become more fully ourselves.

We often carry parts of ourselves that learned early on that being chosen romantically equals safety or worth. Those parts of ourselves can feel uneasy when romance is absent or strained. Other parts know the steady nourishment of friendship: relationships where we can relax, be honest, and grow together through shared time, laughter, and even hard conversations. Friendship isn’t passive—it’s an intentional practice of care.

In a world where many of us are glued to our devices and constantly juggling work, errands, parenting, school, romantic relationships, and more, it can be difficult to make time for friendship. Yet there is something deeply meaningful about sitting down face-to-face with our friends. Instead of relying on texts, let’s carve out space for in-person connection. Being together in real time—walking, talking, and sharing physical space—creates a sense of belonging and emotional regulation that digital connection can’t fully replicate.

This Valentine’s Day, consider widening the circle of celebration. Reach out to someone you are friends with. Invite them for coffee, a meal, or a walk. Let friendship count as love.

Allison Beer, MSW, LCSW, is a Licensed Clinical Social Worker who specializes in helping teens and adults struggling with anxiety and burnout to find deep healing and relief. She also helps people experiencing challenges stemming from being neurodivergent (autistic, adhd, AuDHD, etc) in this neurotypical world. Her approach combines Internal Family Systems (IFS), also known as parts work, and Eye Movement Desensitization and Reprocessing (EMDR), along with mindfulness practices. She is affirming of LGBTQIA+ and Neurodivergent identities. Allie can be reached through her website.

Connection during COVID - by Kim Vargas

For what are you most grateful as you look back over the year and why? I am truly the most grateful for my family. I’m not sure how I could have gotten through this past year without them. Having young children provided both a distraction and an opportunity to focus on what feels most important. While the world felt totally out of control at times, and there were many feelings of helplessness with respect to that, I felt grateful to be able to focus on connecting with people that I really love. 

 

What did you take for granted this year? I’m sure there were many things that I did take for granted, but I’m not entirely sure what they were. I tried very hard to be aware and intentional about knowing how exceptional even the mundane things were this year. I was aware that none of us could take our health, our families, or our livelihood for granted in the ways that we might normally.  

 

What did this reveal to you about yourself and your presence in the world? I was surprised at how little I missed certain parts of my normal existence. While I despised the reason that we had to slow down so much, I also observed in myself some relief at not having to engage in many of the ways we are normally called upon to engage. 

 

What new hobby or old pastime did you take up or revive during this time? I remembered how much I love doing jigsaw puzzles, reading, and playing board games. 

 

Was there an unexpected joy that you experienced during this time? I reconnected on a regular basis with my college roommates, which is something I haven’t done in about 20 years. We started a group text chain with 7 of us, and I was reminded what a witty, loving, smart, warm group of people this is. I feel so lucky to have them in my life, especially on a more regular basis. 

 

What is the most important thing that they year of COVID 19 has taught you? I know this sounds trite, but it has really reminded me of what is important in my life. I haven’t spent time with my parents in over a year, and I am reminded how incredible they are, and how much I miss them every single day. It has taught me a lot about what is important, and where to focus my energy, versus what is not important but takes up a lot of my brain space. I’m hopeful that even after this crisis passes, I will be able to hold on to some of that knowledge! 

 

The Vital Importance of Our Female Friendships by Kim Vargas

Four years ago, in an effort to provide stimulating and educational experiences for my infant son, I signed us up for a baby music class.  While we still play the music from that class, the real value came from the friendships we developed with another mom and her baby.  Four years later, that mom and I regularly laugh, vent, and advise each other.  But most importantly, I feel that she can relate to where I am in my life right now.

In the last several years, there has been a great deal of research that supports the fact that women not only want close relationships with other women; they actually need them.  Women with strong friendships report increased satisfaction in many areas of their lives.  Studies show that women with close female friendships are significantly more physically healthy, and in research on cancer, women with close female friends survived twice as often as those without close friends.

Unfortunately, today’s society as a whole fails to put a premium on friendships and connectedness.   People are more likely to work long hours and to move farther away from high school or college friends.  As a result, a common lament among women is a feeling of isolation and lack of close, intimate connections with other women.

This becomes especially true as women transition into motherhood.  Gone are the nights of meeting friends after work, or a Saturday morning coffee date.  As the identity of motherhood emerges, new and often unexpected thoughts and feelings come up.  Lack of sleep, anxiety, fears, excitement, feeling like you’re on a rollercoaster - all of these things (and many more) can feel wonderful to share with other like-minded women.  Hearing someone else put words to the thoughts in your head can feel unbelievably validating.  Likewise, the ability to vent feelings to a nurturing audience is another major benefit of close female friendships.

Unfortunately, new moms often find themselves at a loss for how to go about connecting.  Daily activities at home and caring for a new baby can feel consuming.  Sometimes, just leaving the house can create the opportunity to engage with other women.   No matter where you go - the grocery store, the park, a coffee shop, a walk around the neighborhood - the odds of meeting someone dramatically increase the moment you walk out your front door.  Other great places to start new friendships include infant music classes, library story times geared for babies, playgrounds, and indoor play-cafes.

For many women, a structured group for new moms can be extremely beneficial.  Moms who attend these groups report that the women they met in these groups are still some of their closest friends 10 years later.  Unlike informal gatherings, a support group for new mothers provides an opportunity to see the same women several weeks in a row.  These groups are facilitated by trained professionals who help direct conversation to themes common to most new mothers. 

Regardless of whether you choose a structured or unstructured way to connect with other women, it is clear that female friendships are much more than a luxury at every stage of life.  These friendships sustain us, strengthen us, and promote emotional and physical well-being.

Kim Katz Vargas, Licensed Clinical Social Worker, is a psychotherapist at the Resiliency Center.  She works with individuals and couples, as well as co-facilitating the New Moms Group, a local support group for mothers of pre-crawling babies.  Please contact Kim at kimvargastherapy@gmail.com or 267-568-7846 for additional information about her counseling or group services, or to register for an upcoming group.