A year of living with and learning from COVID 19 - by Heather Hill

Do you remember your life a year ago?  What you were doing/planning/dreaming about?  This February, I’m intensely aware that we are approaching the one year anniversary of living with COVID 19.  It’s hard to believe all that has taken place.  2020 and part of 2021 seems like it’s been suspended in time or that time itself has found a wrinkle that we are living.  If someone had told me we would be living this long in various stages of lockdown a year ago, I would have climbed right out of my skin.  Instead, it has been a slow wayward journey of shedding expectations, slowing down, living with uncertainty, cherishing those we love, enjoying nature, getting outdoors, being grateful for what we have, and learning to live with less.  Inspired by a Facebook Post, of all things, I invited the practitioners of the Resiliency Center to reflect on their journey through the year in this newsletter.  Here are the questions for reflection which we invite the reader to reflect on as well: 

 

Questions to consider: 

1. For what are you most grateful as you look back over the year and why? 

2. What did you take for granted this year?   

3. What did this reveal to you about yourself and your presence in the world?   

4. What new hobby or old pastime did you take up or revive during this time? 

5. Was there an unexpected joy that you experienced during this time?  

6. What is the most important thing that the year of Covid 19 has taught you?   

 

We close this newsletter with some of our favorite shows and books that have accompanied us along the way.  Almost every phone call or zoom gathering I have had with friends and family has ended with sharing our favorite stories either in book or digital form.  These stories have made us laugh, inspired us or temporarily transported us away from the angst and stress of living through COVID times.   

 

My Reflections

For what are you most grateful as you look back over the year and why? I’m grateful for my family, friends and health but that is not unusual except that I feel it more palpably and daily.  This year, I’ve also been grateful for my work that allows me to connect with others in a meaningful way and on a deeply human level, to bear witness to the strength and resiliency of the human spirit and to laugh in the midst of struggle and pain.   

 

What did you take for granted this year? This year I learned how much I always take for granted:  opportunities and a sense of safety afforded to me by white privilege, health, food security, choices for education, employment, space- both in my own home and in my neighborhood.   

 

What did this reveal to you about yourself and your presence in the world? This has revealed to me that I have been sleepwalking in some ways.  The struggle and challenges of 2020 have awakened within me an urgency about social, racial, and environmental justice.  This year has revealed to me that my busy-ness can and does rob me of precious energy and clarity needed to devote to working for causes I believe in and spending more time with people I love.  The time to rest, reflect can bring forth a return to the things that truly matter.       

   

What new hobby or old pastime did you take up or revive during this time? I found Yoga with Adrienne on Youtube!  I have never been a regular practitioner of yoga because I’d much rather run, spin or swim...but Adrienne’s delightful personality and less than one hour classes won me over.  I also reconnected with a textile artist friend who has guided me on a journey called “The Art of Weaving a Life” by Susan Barrett Merrill.  I find weaving to be soothing and meditative...and less frustrating to me than knitting! 

   

Was there an unexpected joy that you experienced during this time? One day we dragged our firepit to the end of the driveway and invited our neighbors, who we used to hold at a respectful distance, to join us.  Thus began an unlikely friendship of two families from different political parties during an election year.  We watch over each other, take care of our neighbors who can’t get to the grocery store or shovel their walks, and coordinate a weekly dinner exchange.  Also the birds coming to our new birdfeeder along with the time to slow down and observe them always gives me joy.  It just never gets old seeing a male bright red cardinal in the winter landscape.     

 

What is the most important thing that the year of Covid 19 has taught you? I have always been a restless soul and felt the constant need to get out or see lots of friends.  I’ve resisted quieter pastimes and the rest that is so restorative.  The year of COVID 19 taught me I could adapt and not just survive, but thrive on simple pleasures like baking bread, having patience, finding connection and loving the people right in your own backyard.  I am integrating more of my values into my space and my family’s life.  I learned that small acts of kindness are the surest route to a sense of connection and belonging. 

 

Reflection

by Jeff Katowitz, LMFT

Life can only be understood backwards; but it must be lived forwards.
― Søren Kierkegaard

Driving up through upstate New York, it is an all too familiar routine over the course of the last three years. Wait…my son is a junior in college? It can’t be. What is going on? Last week, I accompanied my younger son on a flight out west as he narrows in on – with great anticipation – his university of choice.  Let’s backtrack for a moment – I’m not sure I can wrap my head around all of these moving parts. These thoughts seem to be racing endlessly. How is it that at one moment I can be examining and collaborating with my son on a potential pathway, choosing institutions to study and explore and prepare for “real” life (whatever that means) and then, in a seeming blink, we are here?

I load up a Uhaul trailer, packing what I calculate to be twice as much stuff as what I lugged back and forth in my college days. And I thought I had a lot. It is winter. My son is ready to travel and study abroad for the spring semester. I can remember in my high school and college days pondering what it would be like to be carried away to some foreign land. No – too scary for me back then. I wanted to remain on campus and maintain my commitment to my familiar routines; that’s just what felt right.  

I keep thinking about time and drawing comparisons between my life in my early twenties and what lies ahead for my sons. So many moments, achievements, heartbreaks, fears, and anticipations. Round and around and around I go: I did this, he’s doing that, how interesting, exciting. Brings a grin to my face, time and time again. I am finding myself discussing with my family, clients and sometimes acquaintances this movement through time and space, but it is more about looking back and reflecting.

Reflecting really sets into motion a thought process and taps into a well of curiosity. I am aware of times in the past when I may have gotten lost in the regret trap – the “should have”, “would have,” “could have,” “I haven’t.” Fortunately for me lately, I don’t find myself trapped anywhere near regret. Instead, I am energized and moved by the experience of what I’d have to call amazement.

My amazement springs from the wide-angle lens I have now on my life, a vantage point that only decades of life can bring. From this perspective, I can examine what is in my immediate purview and from there introduce curiosity about the wider context, the patterns and sequences. Life becomes a puzzle through this lens. Life is always taking shape but also evolving into new happenings and adventures – consisting of random people, places, events, and choices that led us here. And the new experiences and choices that will lead us an unknown there in the future.

The rate of events that come and go like scenes in a play are read at a very high pace. It’s hard to digest – significant experiences come and go so rapidly that I am trying to catch my breath. But I am not pushing against it; rather, I am speechless and almost awestruck. The passing of time never felt this way when I was in my youth; then, it felt more like a looking forward to the next chapter. Now I am hoping the next chapters are read slower, so I can really capture the essence of what was just experienced.

I imagine, for some people, the process of reflection may trigger sadness or a cycle of regret and emotions surrounding choices that they have made. I empathize with this group and the experience of pain that can arise. As we embark on a new year, I invite you to consider a process of reflection with openness and curiosity (rather than an old pattern of sadness or regret). Consider the question, “How did my journey lead me to this moment?” And then join me in anticipating with great interest and awareness the “What is next?” of life.

Jeff Katowitz, LMFT has been practicing marriage and family therapy for over 26 years. His specialties include helping families in transition (i.e. separation and divorce, grief and loss, blended families, raising children on the spectrum and those with special needs). He has been practicing at the Resiliency Center since 2008. Jeff can be contacted at JeffKatowitzlmft@gmail.com or directly at (215) 307-0055.

Youthfully Aging

by Jeff Katowitz, LMFT

You are about to turn fifty. Think about it – five decades. Where has the time gone? Do you feel satisfied with what you have accomplished or do you feel somewhat stuck and living in constant regret. Some of you may have children who are now just beginning a new chapter in life – going off to college or entering the workforce. Some of you started your families later and have younger children or adolescents with a few years remaining in high school. Some of you may not have children but experience a similar pressure of aging – beginning to think about the time left and how to invest your energies wisely.  Common thoughts and questions entering our minds may include:

·      “How do I want to spend the time remaining to really enjoy life?”

·      “I need to invest more energy towards my health so I can continue doing what I love.”

·      “I’d like to see things, visit places, be spontaneous and active.”

·      “I’ve been doing the same work for so long. Maybe I’d like to expand or change careers.”

·      “I’d like make sure that I focus my energies in the later part of my life on reconnecting with people I feel disconnected from.”

Sound familiar? While each of us has a different story, we are all faced with the concept of time and aging. It is important to examine things we’d like to do – if we have the ability and our situation lends itself to contemplating how the “next chapter” may look.

As I approach turning fifty this month, I look at my own situation and feel blessed. I have two sons who are developing beautifully and who no longer need me in the same way. I am married to an amazing, creative woman – a true partner in life expanding in her own new and exciting ways. I have a very loving and supportive extended family.  I am surrounded by terrific and exceptional colleagues in my work environment.

Despite my satisfaction, as I inch closer to fifty, I find myself considering the question: “What is important for me to nurture, grow and expand?” I think what is most exciting about asking all of these questions is that, if we allow ourselves to venture back to our memories involving simple activities and events, the newness of life and what it has to offer - this is our youth.

Now we can’t be nine years old playing with our favorite new toy. But what we can do is think about opportunity and expansion at the age of fifty. This can actually be very similar to the lens through which a nine year old sees the future. Do you remember saying things like “When I grow up, I’m going to be a………” or “When I get older, I want to be like……… or have……….”?  Do you remember feelings of excitement and anticipation, a sense of the future as vast and endless?

We have the opportunity to answer these same statements at fifty. For example, “When I turn fifty, I would like to start moving in a different direction. I’d like to be more creative. I’d like to have more friends. I’d like to travel more and see the world.”

Turning fifty does not have to represent aging through the lens of “I’m getting old” but can instead be a marker of time reminding us to think about our goals, passions, interests, and the experiences and adventures we would still like to have. To all those entering into your fifties, I celebrate with you and hope you are able to embrace life in ways that are exciting, engaging in events and activities that fill you with joy.

Here is a reflection process to guide you:

Step one: Sit quietly in a peaceful space for a few minutes and think about an idea, perhaps visualize an event, place, or opportunity and activity that feels good when you think about it.

Step two:  Create some type of movement that places you closer to the direction of your thoughts (ie. sharing this idea with others, developing and plan and writing it down, engaging in an activity that moves you closer to the vision(s)).

Step three: Repeat steps one and two over and over again. Good luck!

Jeffrey Katowitz, LMFT, AAMFT, is a Licensed Marriage and Family Therapist.

His areas of specialty include divorce and separation, blended family issues, adoption, adolescent development and transitions, grief and loss, and managing and working through traumatic life events.  Jeff’s goal is to provide a safe a nurturing environment for the individual and family system to feel more readily able to access the strength to overcome difficult transitions and events in their lives. Contact him at jpkatowitz@verizon.net and 215-307-0055.