by
Kathleen Krol, MSS, LCSW, RPT-S
Merriam-Webster
defines communication as “the act or process of using words, sounds, signs, or behaviors to
exchange information or to express ideas, thoughts, and feelings to someone
else.” When we are communicating well, both parties walk away with the same
understanding from the conversation. However, many times we may find ourselves working to express
ourselves but not feeling heard – and hearing another person talking without
really comprehending what it is they are trying to say.
Clear communication can
be lost along the way when we are busy and caught up in the daily in and out of
our routines. For adults interacting with children, there are added
complexities. What follows are some strategies for communicating effectively
with young people.
Sometimes just
changing the words you use or how you say them can make a small but significant
change in your interaction with your children. Praise and positive reinforcement for what your child is
doing well are usually more effective than emphasizing what your child is doing
wrong. Try to avoid negatively phrased words such as “CAN’T,” as in “You can’t
do that!” The child hears
the negative “can’t” and may respond defensively by acting out. Instead, give
choices and alternatives when directing your child to stop certain behaviors:
“Your ball is for playing with outside.” “What do you want to play with
instead: your trucks or your dollhouse?”
Children often have
problems with sense of time and their need for immediate gratification. You can
help them by giving them a timeframe when they can have what it is that they
are requesting: “Right now, I need to cook dinner. After we eat, I can play
that game with you.”
Finally, give your
children your full attention and eye contact when they’re upset. Children often
act out because they feel uncomfortable inside and don’t know how to put their
feelings into words. You can
acknowledge your child’s feelings without accepting their behavior.
Acknowledging that you hear their feelings often calms a child who is upset
more than yelling, ignoring or punishing the crying behaviors. You can say things like “You really
wanted to go outside to play.
You’re feeling mad that you can’t go outside. I see how upset that makes
you.” If the behavior continues, setting a limit or giving a time-out may be
needed, but taking these other steps first may reduce the intensity of the
tantrum before it escalates.
With teenage
children, power struggles and overloaded schedules add complexity to
interactions and communication. When talking with teens, it can be helpful to
take the following factors into consideration:
1
Teens want to feel heard. They often feel more heard when adults
are mindfully present, listening without an immediate need to reassure, give
advice, make assumptions, and point out the negative.
2
Agree to disagree. Choose your battles. Remember your relationships
with your own parents as a teen. Is winning the battle more important or having
the relationship with your child years later?
3
Think of the teen years as the rewind
of the “terrible two’s”,
where children fluctuate between needing the parent and asserting their own
will. Although this can be one of the more difficult childhood phases for
parents and teens to navigate together, it is important to remember that your
teen is pushing and asserting and experimenting as a way to build a confident
adult identity. When teens navigate this phase successfully (with your
support), they transition into independent, well-functioning adults.
4
When conversation becomes a power
struggle, pause the conversation.
The rational part of the brain has shut down, and the amygdala or emotional
part of the brain can’t process or rationalize what you are saying. It can only
react with more emotion. Don’t keep at it. Instead, take a breath, walk away, and come back to the situation when
everyone is calmer.
Kathleen Krol is a Licensed
Clinical Social Worker and Registered Play Therapist-Supervisor, who works with
children, adolescents and families.
Kathleen uses family therapy with the parent and child to discuss and
problem-solve issues, play therapy and sandtray therapy with the child to help
them work through difficult feelings, gain self-mastery and confidence and heal
from loss and trauma, and parent coaching to provide parenting techniques and
support for parents. Adolescent therapy may include talk and cognitive therapy,
sand tray, mindfulness techniques, trauma art narrative therapy and EMDR. For a
free consultation to learn more about any of these treatment approaches, please
contact Kathleen at 215-289-3101 or kasiakrol17@verizon.net. You can also learn more at www.KathleenKrol.com
