Finding Balance during the Holiday Season

 by Brittiney George

How is it possible that the holiday season can feel both energetically exhausting and exhilarating?  Both joyful and stressful?  Feel simultaneously warm and cold?  Maybe it is because the holidays ask us to do two extremely different things: (1) tap into our childhood and see the world through the eyes of a child again, and (2) continue to act like and make decisions of an adult.  This experience can shine light on parts of our lives currently – and within our childhoods – that felt extreme (good or bad).  We become consciously aware of our current life and often compare it to the life we thought we would be living or should be living right now.  In that moment our subconscious belief systems can get kicked back into high alert.  Some familiar phrases that might resurface: 

·      Get Control of Yourself

·      Get it Together

·      Keep it Together

·      Shut that Down

·      Let it go

All of these phrases indicate that something is out of balance and we are trying to figure out a way to respond to feel safe or fit in to our given environment.  There is an energetic release or movement that needs to happen to reset the scale back to even.  During different times in our life, the way we did that may have differed:

·      Tantrums:  The ultimate energy buster in a world that feels out of control, proportion, or too much (too fast, too loud, to unpredictable).  Tantrums allowed us to naturally get the extra energy/noise off our system:  If I am expected to take it all in, than I also need permission to let it all out.

·      Rebellion:  When we learned that tantrums were no longer acceptable by society or in our family, rebellion kicked in.  We still needed an energetic release, but the form of it changed.  It may have been quiet rebellion, or loud in your face rebellion, but either way it was our way of trying to gain back some control, let out some steam, or have our voice heard.  We got the message that we needed to keep it together but were still missing the staples, tape, and glue (aka support or internal resources) necessary to do that.

·      Peace:  Peace is the place where tantrums & rebellion meet and become friends.  Instead of fighting about whether we should or shouldn’t feel how we do, instead of second guessing why we feel that way when those around us don’t, it becomes knowledge.  Tantrum and Rebellion both may still be there, but they are not at war, they are sharing their knowledge about why it is upsetting, what it is throwing us off balance.  It becomes insight and space to acknowledge what we need.  In the acknowledgement of that information….even if you don’t know what to do with it…the energy can flow more easily, emotions can flow more naturally.  You are not getting shut down, tuned out, or broken into pieces by it all.  Now you have choices.  Now you can move.

So this holiday season I wish you acceptance of all of who you are so that your system can truly know balance and find its true peace:

“Peace.  It does not mean to be in a place where there is no noise, trouble,

Or hard work.  It means to be in the midst of those things and still

Be calm in your heart.”-unknown

Brittiney George is a Movement Practitioner offering Rubenfeld Synergy, Infant Massage Education, and gentle, exploratory movement classes at The Resiliency Center. She co-leads Connection, Expression and Movement (CEM), a monthly workshop series focusing on body-mind integration. To learn more about her practice and services, contact her at 610-389-7866 or movebackintolife@gmail.com

Wishes for a peaceful and picture­-imperfect holiday

by Jen Perry

Ahhh, the holidays and its food, family, and friends. A beautifully laid out table, happy children, civil and perhaps even engaging conversation. We all have a perfect Hallmark­worthy picture of it floating around inside our mind. Can you conjure up yours? I know I have one: my great aunt’s lovely antique china, candlelight, gracious conversation about all that we are thankful for. 

The challenge with our idealized images is that reality often just can’t live up to them. Our human minds make it truly impossible. Whether gleaned from hazy memories of yesteryear or from yearnings in our hearts for just how it could be, these are fantasies. You see, if we have ideas about the perfect day or perfect dinner (or perfect partner, or perfect parent, child, job, or . . . really the applications are endless), then our minds act like a scanner constantly searching the situation for things that need to be fixed, done, changed, or otherwise wrestled into the idealized image. It’s exhausting. Out of the myriad of details before us, it takes just one to “ruin it.” One child’s temper tantrum, one sharp word from a loved one, one burnt pie ~ you get the picture. And THAT is actually where the freedom lies. 

Try this: take your most precious, perfect picture and allow life to happen to it. You may find the results difficult or you may find them hilarious. In my case, that antique table I mentioned? Well, it literally collapsed mid-meal this Thanksgiving with no warning. 

The carefully prepared meal, well maintained china, flowers and candlelight, glasses of wine and cider, and all the silverware came crashing to the floor. A child howling, guests staring in disbelief, and one alert responder racing around as if the torn photo could be repaired. 

2015 is now a year for the history books in my family. Fortunately, we can laugh about this one. 

One of my favorite sayings is: “Peace: It does not mean to be in a place where there is no noise, trouble, or hard work. It means to be in the midst of those things and still be calm in your heart.” I encourage you to take your picture perfect image and your idealism and let life, or gravity, have its way with it. Holding onto our perfectionism, scanning life, real life, for all the ways in which it doesn’t measure up, is not a peaceful or present way to live. These perfect pictures we hold up – of a holiday, a spouse, the future, a child, even our very selves – they block us from seeing the real moments and people before us as they are in all their imperfect splendor. The relief after the surprise of it all falling apart is pure, pure magic. And a gift: the gift of a broken table, a broken picture of perfection is a gift of presence and peace with what is. 

Jen Perry, MSEd, MA, LPC is a licensed professional counselor and peaceful parenting coach. She teaches mindfulness and self­-compassion to people wanting more peace and calm in their hearts. Her next 6 week class offering, Beginner’s Mindfulness, starts January 11, 2016. Space is limited to 6 so reserve your spot today by calling 215­-292­-5056 or emailing jenperry7@mac.com.

Fill Up this Winter with Positive Change: Lessons from the Practice of QiGong

by Karen Steinbrecher

As the ground hardens and the air chills, we are drawn to go ‘inside.’  In Taoist traditions, winter is the season when you are called to explore what lives below the surface, to pay attention to the internal workings of your intuition.  In Traditional Chinese Medicine, winter is the time to focus upon the Kidneys, Yin, and the Bladder, Yang, as well as the adrenals.  This is a crucial time to nourish, warm and fuel your physical, mental and spiritual energy.  These winter practices have a cumulative effect upon your physical health, mental clarity, and innovative spirit. 

Infuse yourself with positive change by practicing and dancing Qigong!  Qigong is an invaluable tool to unite and align your thoughts, heart and physical body.  One of the best ways to infuse your being is with your intention, to bring in and initiate positive change.  May this Winter Solstice and all holy days that celebrate the light in one way or another feed your soul, your heart, your being.  May our Qigong practice help us call this light, this Qi into a joyful dance arounds us, our world, your world.  May we see the light in one another and joyfully acknowledge it with a smile or a hug.  

Winter in TCM celebrates the Water Element.  The waters of the earth and the waters of your body are one. As we dance and practice Qigong together, we are one in dynamic flow and movement.  Let us fuse with the Universe this New Year with Peace and Love and Light, bringing in positive change.  Feel yourself as you dance Qigong, grounded and home in flowing change.  Abundant Blessings to all of you with Gratitude and Peace and Love.  

Join Karen Steinbrecher at the Resiliency Center each Thursday at 2 P.M. or at 6:15 P.M. in the open workspace.  Learn more at http://www.meetup.com/Resiliency-Gatherings-for-Movement-Inner-Strength-Joy/ 

A Meditation for the Holidays

by Elizabeth Campbell, MS, LPC

Setting an intention for what you want this holiday season and expanding it through meditation can help you to stay grounded in what you are seeking.  Begin by finding a comfortable seat and either close your eyes or relax your gaze on something that is not moving.  Take a deep breath in for a count of three and out for a count of three.  Repeat that for another deep breath in for three and out for three.  Begin to notice what comes up for you as what you want to cultivate this holiday season.  Maybe it is peace, joy, or abundance.  Notice where in your body this intention resides.  And begin to imagine that it has physical characteristics.  Maybe it is a certain color, shape, or texture.  Watch the intention expand as you connect with it throughout your entire body.  And as you continue to connect with it, it expands past your body and grows and grows.  Feel its strength and power.  And know that this intention is grounded within you no matter what external stress the holidays bring.  Stay present with this for as long as you desire, then slowly blink your eyes back open or back into focus.  Connect with this meditation daily through the holiday season.

Thrive this Holiday Season

by Elizabeth Campbell, MS, LPC

The holidays are a great way to celebrate gratitude and spirituality and to connect with loved ones.  They are also a time that can be emotionally difficult and stressful.  There are many things that contribute to the difficulty of this season and also many ways to support yourself and thrive this holiday season.

The winter season is a time to slow down and turn inward.  The holidays in our culture ask us to do the opposite.  People tend to overbook themselves, stay up late, and engage in unhealthy habits.  We can decrease our stress during this holiday season by maintaining a schedule that honors what our body and emotions need.  It is also important to maintain healthy habits and practices that maintain grounding.

Because the holiday season is a time when we focus on friends and family, this time can be difficult for individuals that are isolated, in conflictual relationships, or have experienced a loss.  Feelings of isolation can be exacerbated by the push to constantly connect during this season.  There are times when silence and time alone are beneficial to an individual.  This can also exacerbate depression or grief.  It is up to the individual to determine what best serves them during this time of year.  Generally, a balance is ideal.  This can be difficult if those we are “supposed” to connect with this time of year can be difficult to be around.  Prioritize connection with individuals that build you up and leave you feeling positive and nourished.  And when planning to spend time with individuals that drain your energy, visualize boundaries or protection surrounding you prior to connecting to support your resilience.  It is also important to maintain healthy boundaries within interactions with individuals that trigger you.  Individuals that have experienced loss often experience intense feelings during the holiday season. For those that are going through a recent divorce, breakup, or transition within the family, this also applies.  Lives in transition can be especially difficult during the holiday season because of the focus on traditions.    It is important to maintain traditions that you choose, without trying to keep everything the same.  Another significant practice is to honor your loss.  This can be especially important if you have lost a loved one.  This can be done with a candle, doing something that person loved, or partaking in a tradition that they enjoyed. 

A final way that the holidays can be difficult is when we set our expectations very high.  Every family and life has “stuff.”  Few people survive a holiday without a kitchen conundrum, drunken relative, or spat between loved ones.  Often individuals imagine a picture perfect holiday, which may heighten disappointment when life is closer to normal.  Setting realistic expectations based on history may help to decrease stress in the upcoming holiday celebrations. 

Holidays can be stressful for a myriad of reasons.  The most important tool in setting yourself up for a healthy holiday season is awareness of the aforementioned things that exacerbate stress.  To enjoy yourself this time of year, prepare yourself and honor what you need.  Happy Holidays!

Elizabeth Campbell is a licensed professional counselor providing an empowerment and strength-based approach to support individuals in personal growth and change. She specializes in play therapy with children, family therapy, creative counseling for adolescents, and trauma-informed treatment. She utilizes an integrative, mindful approach to address the whole individual and promote healing and wellness.   For more information or to schedule a session, please call Elizabeth at 610-757-8163 or email at elizabethannecampbell8@gmail.com

Helping your Child to Manage Anger

by Elizabeth Campbell, MS, LPC

One of the most beautiful aspects of parenting is your relationship with your child.  In this relationship, you are an attachment figure, and are responsible for shaping a child’s life in many ways.  Attachment influences identity, self-esteem, future relationships, and emotional regulation.  In other words, your child learns from their relationship with you how to calm themselves down when they feel intense emotions.  Often adults immediately go to behavioral means to manage troubling behaviors that come with anger, and although structure is imperative for a child’s development, the parent-child relationship is the foundation for change.

One of the ways that children develop so rapidly in their early years is through modeling.  They utilize mirror neurons within the attachment relationship as a means to grow.  Awareness of these mirror neurons in parenting can be extremely helpful.  The phrase, “actions speak louder than words,” is very accurate in parenting!  Modeling is the most effective way for your child to learn from you.  Therefore, if you use self-care by going to the gym, meditating, spending time with friends, baking, etc., you are providing an excellent model for a child to learn how to regulate themselves.  Controlling anger is not just in the moment, it is a practice of regulating stress overall.  The opposite is also true.  If you are struggling with taking care of yourself and juggling the demands of family, your child sees that and learns from it.  In prioritizing your own self-care, you are also prioritizing your child’s emotional health.  This can be done as an activity to also foster attachment and your relationship with your child.  Self-care can be a family activity such as a family nature walk or sharing a hobby with your child.

Mindfulness is another great skill to teach your child for general emotional regulation and anger management.  This can take many forms.  This may be creating a “comfort corner” in which various senses are stimulated.  For instance, there may be a comfy blanket, a book, calming music, a scented lotion, or a stuffed animal.  A child can visit this corner not just when upset, but frequently to again lower their overall stress level.  Another option is a mindful scavenger hunt, where a child notices things via their senses around them.  A final mindful tool that is very effective with anger management is deep breathing.  Children can learn to take deep belly breaths by putting a stuffed animal on their stomach while laying down, then making it move up and down with their inhales and exhales.  There are also fun breaths such as balloon breath, where a child “blows up” like a balloon with their inhale then exhales like a balloon letting go of its air. 

Another important part of teaching our children anger management is our response to their anger.  Garry Landreth’s Child Parent Relational Training advocates that parents act as a thermostat rather than a thermometer.  You set the temperature rather than reacting to them.  When adults react to anger with anger, the emotionality of the situation increases exponentially.  If you respond calmly and set consistent limits, the child begins to learn parameters and how to regulate themselves. 

By interacting with your child in a ways that demonstrate effective means of regulating your own emotions, modeling self-care, and teaching skills in fun ways, you can set your child up to independently regulate themselves.  Your relationship and your interactions with your child are building blocks for change.

The Anger of Unmet Needs

by Kim Vargas, LCSW

Why does a particular situation bring up anger for one person, and a laugh for someone else? Why is it that some people respond to the words of others with fury, and others can just shrug it off? The answer is two-fold: Each person has different perceptions of any given situation, based on his/her own history, background, and upbringing. In addition, each individual has unique needs that must be met in order for that person to operate optimally. When perception combines with each individual’s needs, interpretations of a situation differ, leading to very different reactions.

When a person perceives that his/her needs remain unmet, feelings of anxiety, loneliness, fear, sadness, and shame develop. Unfortunately, we are not always aware of these underlying feelings, known as the “primary emotions”.  Instead, the conscious manifestation of unmet needs is often a feeling of anger, which is actually the secondary emotion. To visualize this idea of primary and secondary emotions, picture an iceberg with only anger peeking out at the top.  The anger is the tip of the iceberg, and it’s often all that we see. However, this is only a small part of the entire iceberg. The rest of the iceberg, which consists of the primary emotions, lies beneath the surface and is often more difficult to see.  Once primary emotions are identified, unmet needs become evident.  

In 1943, Abraham Maslow proposed a hierarchy of needs that starts with the basic physiological necessities including food, water, shelter, and clothing, and goes on to include the needs for safety, love and belonging, esteem, and self-actualization. 

When any of these needs remain unmet, two things may happen.  The first is that we are generally at higher risk to feel anger.  For example, if our need for food and sleep is currently unmet, our coping mechanisms may diminish in that moment. The second result is that long-term unmet needs lower our anger threshold and make us more prone to angry feelings and behaviors. For example, a person who lives in an emotionally and physically unsafe environment suffers from many primary emotions, including fear, loneliness, and anxiety.  As a result, that person experiences important unmet needs on a daily basis. These needs for safety, companionship, and lowered stress frequently manifest as a shortened fuse and quick anger.

There is some great news in all of this: When used to its best advantage, anger feelings are an excellent warning mechanism alerting us to the fact that a need is not being met, a primary emotion needs attention, and action is required to remedy the situation.  Once we grasp the true root of the anger, it is easier to address the actual cause rather than just responding to what appears on the surface. Understanding your needs in any situation increases the likelihood of a productive, rather than destructive, response.