by Kim Vargas, LCSW
The way that we feel about ourselves drives most parts of
our existence. It determines who our friends are, the jobs we choose, the way
we parent, and the life experiences we allow ourselves to have. And it turns
out that it is actually our perception
of self, and not factual information about self, that is the real driver of how
we feel. In other words, research shows that what we say to ourselves about our actions and accomplishments determines
how we feel about those actions and
accomplishments.
In 1953, DW Winnicott, a well-known pediatrician and
psychoanalyst, posited the theory that there is a “good enough mother”. He
explained this type of mother as someone who is consistently meeting the basic
needs of her baby, and is providing a loving and nurturing environment.
However, he is clear that this mother is far from perfect; she has anger,
ambivalence, and exhaustion in addition to the positive engagement with her
baby. Thus, if a mother judges herself on being a “perfect” mom, she will
constantly feel that she is failing. If, however, she is able to recognize that
her parenting is “good enough” for her child to thrive, she can frequently feel
successful as a mother.
I work with a lot of new moms, and I absolutely love this
concept of the good enough mother. I began to ask myself whether this same
thinking might apply to other life issues. It seemed like if people could
define what was truly good enough,
and then give themselves permission to meet that
expectation, there might be much more room for success, leading to an overall increase
in self esteem. I started to ask clients to try out the idea of being “good
enough” rather than perfect, with respect to their roles as spouse, adult
child, employee, friend, and homemaker.
Almost without exception, clients are initially loath to
consider the concept of “good enough”.
At the outset, people hear this as an invitation to mediocrity and
settling for less. I am quick to explain that “good enough” does not mean
striving for a substandard level of accomplishment – it means setting realistic expectations of self in any
given situation, on any given day, and striving to meet those particular
expectations. In addition, “good enough” may change depending on the day or
situation. As people try out this notion of “good enough”, they generally find
they are sending themselves increasingly positive messages about their actions
and behaviors. In other words, their perception
of self in a particular situation is positive if they are truly able to meet their
own realistic goals. These experiences of perceiving self differently can
contribute to a rise in self worth.
There are two tricks to making “good enough” truly good enough. The first is to give
yourself actual permission to do something in a different way than you might
ordinarily plan to do it. The second is to speak to yourself positively and
kindly after the fact, rewarding the accomplishments.
For example, let’s say you’ve made it a goal to exercise 4
times per week. In the upcoming week, you have several projects due at work,
and many family commitments. You might decide that “good enough” means that you
will only exercise two times, or that you’ll exercise all four times, but for a
much shorter than normal amount of time. Either way, “good enough” is different
that week than it might be last week or next week. However, exercising two
times will only actually be good
enough if you tell yourself in advance that it is really okay, and if you give
yourself positive feedback for your accomplishment afterwards.
The idea of “good enough” can feel complicated and may take
some experimentation to determine what is truly good enough for you in a given situation. But I challenge you –
consider giving yourself permission today to be good enough at something, rather than perfect.
Kimberly Vargas, LCSW is a psychotherapist working with
adults and teens who want to address self esteem, anger, depression (including
postpartum issues), and anxiety. She can be reached at 267-568-7846 or kimvargastherapy@gmail.com.
