By Kathleen Krol, LCSW, RPT
After a cool start, spring has arrived
with its warmer days and longer nights. Soon it will be summer and the end of
the school year. At this time of the year, patience can wane and internal thermostats
can rise as family members spend more time together. Awareness of our own emotional
stress threshold can be overlooked in the day to day hectic shuffle of life and
coexistence in a family or personal relationship. Good communication skills
tend to slide with the people with whom we are closest: family and significant others.
So how do you monitor your internal thermostat and maintain good interpersonal
skills to minimize overheating?
How do we check our temperature
throughout the day? During the course of
the work day, challenges will come up, whether as an employee, self-employed,
student or homemaker. Many people push through these stressors with minimal
awareness of heightened emotional tension and physical discomfort. If there is
awareness of these sensations, we may try to suppress them. After all, the job
still needs to get done. How often do we pause to check in on how we are being affected
by our daily tasks and how well we are managing them? Take moments throughout
the day to get a drink or take a bathroom break to scan your body for any
tension. Ask yourself “What am I feeling right now?” Use deep breathing, muscle
relaxation (purposefully tightening part of the body that is tight, hold 3-5
sec, then relax and repeat 2-3times) or use thought stopping meditations. For
bigger concerns, write them down in a note pad and put them aside until a time
when they can be addressed.
Utilize small windows of time for
mini-breaks and refreshers. Sometimes
5-10 minutes may be the longest break we can get during the day. Mindfully give
some needed self-care and a reminder that you are important rather than using
the time to mull over some concern or to plan ahead to the next task. You can
do this in simple ways by enjoying a cup of tea or a piece of fruit, take a
walk around the block, take deep breaths or listen to a favorite song on your
way to the store or to pick up the kids.
Reorient yourself to where you are now
and what you are doing in the moment: Rushing
from one errand or activity to another can be slowed down by pausing as you
leave your house or drive your car; take a couple deep breaths and orient
yourself to the present by noticing your five senses, ie. The sights around you, the
sounds, the smells, the feel of the ground or your seat, any tastes.
Anticipate and prepare. Most of us have some idea of what pushes our
buttons and can anticipate how others might act that could trigger these
buttons. Being conscious of our own pattern of reaction, gives us a chance to
try a different response. When
transitions take time for our child or teen, extra time may be needed in the
preparation stage. Giving reminders
ahead of a transition can also be helpful.
Let go of “other stuff”: Check in with yourself at the end of the day
at home or work, before walking in the door or before children come home. Are
you still carrying something left over from earlier in the day? Being aware can
reduce the chance of redirecting your frustration onto your spouse, children or
pets.
Positive communication. Sometimes just changing the words you use or
how you say them can make a small but significant change in your interactions. Use
Praise, positive reinforcement and acknowledging when something is done
correctly. This is usually more effective than pointing out every time
something is done wrong. Try to avoid negatively phrased words such as “can’t,”
as in “You can’t do that!” which prompts the child to become defensive in
response. Instead, give choices and alternatives when redirecting behaviors.
Clear communication. Be clear when communicating plans and check
that everyone is on the same page in remembering the important details of an
event. Mind-reading occurs when we assume a family member will recall “this” is
the place you always meet. Forgetting small but crucial changes in time or
other details causes wasted time and frustration. Aids like wipe-off boards, communication
logs or texting information can be beneficial tools.
Promote regular positive sharing. Plan once a week minimally to share at dinner
or before bed, something positive that happened in everyone’s day and also
express gratitude for something done by the other family members.
Be kind to yourself. At the end of the day, don’t be too critical
of yourself. Remind yourself we all have days that don’t go as planned and
where we did not respond the way we should have with others. Tomorrow is another day!
Kathleen Krol, LCSW, RPT is a Licensed
Clinical Social Worker and Registered Play Therapist at the Resiliency Center.
She does individual and family therapy using Play Therapy and Sand Tray therapy.
She specializes in work with children ages three through teens and adults, who
have experienced trauma, grief and loss, anxiety, depression, behavior issues and
abuse. She is trained in and uses EMDR, parent coaching, cognitive behavior and
stress management techniques and Trauma Art Narrative Therapy. For a free phone consultation, contact
Kathleen at kasiakrol17@verizon.net or
215-289-3101#1.
