Practicing Radical Acceptance to Reduce Life’s Suffering

by Katie K. May

With warm weather in full swing and fun in the sun at the pool, I’m reminded of two summers ago when my son broke his arm. He was six years old and had just learned to swim. He loved splashing around in the water and swimming to each end of the pool. Then, a camp monkey bar accident and a full arm cast put a stop to his pool fun for the rest of the summer.

           

I can remember others’ remarks like, “That’s awful!” and my son’s tearful plea, “Why did this have to happen?” Not only was he in physical pain, but he also experienced emotional anguish every time we drove past the placid blue water of our pool.

           

An important idea in Dialectical Behavior Therapy (DBT) is pain vs. suffering. When you don’t accept reality as it is, it leads to greater suffering. Alternatively, when you can accept reality, or what is, you may still feel pain, but you can avoid suffering. As a DBT therapist, I call this concept Radical Acceptance.

           

Radical Acceptance means accepting what you can’t change so you can spend your time and energy on what makes your life worth living. It means understanding reality for what it is. Once you understand what you can and can’t change in your life, you can accept reality for what it is.

If we look at my son’s experience in the context of Radical Acceptance, we can understand exactly why it happened. Understanding the logistics is the first step to Radical Acceptance: He was climbing across the monkey bars, which put him in a precarious situation. He fell mid-way across and kept his arms too stiff as his body made impact with the earth.

Next, consider what you can’t change in the situation. My son was not allowed to get that cast wet. Period. So…swimming was not an option for the summer. It was something we could not change. Continuing to focus on the “can’t” in the situation would have led to greater suffering. If we talked about NOT swimming every day, it would remind him of something he loved that he could not have.

Finally, you CAN choose to use skills and act effectively or focus your attention on ideas and events that serve you. Well let me tell you, with water not being an option, we went to every museum and park that summer and changed our summer vacation from the beach to Washington D.C., and it was all amazing!

It’s important to remember that acceptance does NOT mean that you’re giving up or agreeing with a situation or incident that is difficult. It doesn’t mean putting up with a situation or relationship that is harmful for you. It means focusing your energy and taking action on what will help you move forward in your life.

When you practice Radical Acceptance, you shift your focus from “Why did this happen?” to “What can I do now?” It’s this shift that allows you to take ownership of your personal experiences and begin making choices about how to create your path to happiness.

Katie K. May is a Licensed Teen Therapist who specializes in offering groups. A new session of Teen DBT Skills Group will begin in August. Contact Katie@creativehealingphilly.com to explore whether this group will best support your teen.

Thanks, I’ll Take It From Here

by Rachel Kobin

When I chose Acceptance as the theme for our July newsletter, I thought I knew what I wanted to say. Now that I’m actually trying to write it, I feel lost. There’s a voice inside me saying, “You should brainstorm, just write a list of all of the reasons you wanted to write about acceptance; you should mind map or make a vision board; you should at least write an outline.” But how can I write an outline when there’s so much I could say, and who is this bossy person calling me “You”?

Acceptance. Okay, I’m going to practice it right now. I’m the Director of the Philadelphia Writers’ Workshop and I’m struggling to write a few paragraphs about acceptance. I’ll just sit with this struggle and be compassionate with myself. This is part of the writing process, part of any process. But there’s that girl nagging, “But you’re the Director of the Philadelphia Writers’ Workshop. You of all people should be able to write a cogent article.”

That voice isn’t nearly as loud or shrill as she used to be. After years of helpful therapy, I worked with a life coach who helped me have a direct conversation with that mean, bossy girl barraging me with an endless list of shoulds I would never be able to accomplish. I thanked her for her concern, for her attempts to save me from exposing my shortcoming and faults. I told her I wouldn’t be hiding until I was perfect anymore: it was time for me to move on, to open up to the world around me and embrace myself as I am.

           

Like I said, that voice is still there. I can hear her now: She’s worried I’ll make a fool of myself if I don’t write an article “worthy” of me. “What will people think?” she’s saying. I reply, “This is what acceptance looks like: letting go of what other people think, daring to make myself vulnerable and embracing my imperfections. Acceptance isn’t organized; no amount of outlining or mind mapping will remove the bumps and potholes from the path to reaching it, but it is scenic. As I take in the variety of vistas, my love for myself and others grows.”

Oh, dang, there she goes again! “You should be writing the perfect article!” Chill girl, I’m sure whatever I write will be good enough.  

Since 2006, Rachel Kobin has facilitated acceptance via creative writing workshops held at The Resiliency Center on Tuesday Nights. She also helps people finish their novels, screenplays, plays, collections of short stories, and essays in the Manuscript Workshop and as a private editor. Learn more at www.phillywriters.com

Receding...and a Reseeding

by Dean Solon


sitting...

with the quiet,
in the deep.
with allowing the world to come to me,
with being in this world with You.

a peace prevails,
a peace abides and resides.
allowing the world to come to me,
allowing a surrendering to Your will and whim...
cravings recede.  cravings for anything and anyone,
cravings for outcome, cravings for life and how to live it,
cravings for human beings to be other than who they are.

so, this is who i am, now.
so, this is a sweet spot,
a great good fortune life.
so, all of this is the same as it ever was
...everything changing in each and every moment.
so, everything is play in the House of the Lord.

resting, in the center of the cyclone,
the whirlwind tour strangely and surprisingly quieting,
i am nearly silenced
and all in
and already gone

An Invitation to Joy

by Anjana Deshpande

Joy likes to nestle between contentment and acceptance. It waits in the corner of our mundane, everyday life, waiting to be invited. Unlike happiness, which demands pursuit, joy simply is. Why then, do we complain about a “lack” of joy in our lives? Why do we go in search of it, or say that “joy has left” our life? Chances are, joy hasn’t left us; we just forgot it was there.

This month, let us try some ways to consciously invite joy into our lives. Here are some steps to do that: 

1.     Create a Joy Map.

A joy map is fun to do! There are no rules, just some suggestions to make it satisfying and meaningful. Take a sheet of paper and draw a circle in the center of the sheet. Put the word “joy” in the circle and draw lines radiating from this circle. Each line will connect to another circle which contains the word, activity, person, event that brings you joy. Think about times when you were content, relaxed and really “in the moment”. Perhaps you were taking a walk, reading a book, or maybe even doing laundry! It does not matter. If it brought you joy and contentment, it goes on the map.

Next, think of things that you would like to do. Even if they don’t exist in your life right now. Just putting them on paper opens the door to the possibility of making them happen.You may choose to use different markers for different groups of activities. For example, if traveling brings you joy, use different colors for places that are nearby, and easily accessible and places that are far away and might need some planning to get to. 

You can even tear up pictures that ‘speak’ to you and place them on this map. This is actually a great “detective” exercise to get to know yourself better.  When you ponder over why you picked a particular picture, you are really investigating the deeper recesses of your mind that you normally don’t have time to go into.

So go ahead, create a “joy map”! This is different from a vision board which is more about goals and dreams. A joy map is about the things that are within your reach right now, and perhaps some which you may have to stretch a little to reach.

Learn more about mind mapping at http://www.studygs.net/mapping/buzanmap.htm

2.     A No Pressure Date: In her book “The Artist’s Way” Julia Cameron talks about taking yourself out on a date. The budget is about $5 (yes, you are a really cheap date). Where would you go? A dollar store? The mall? A museum? The park? Coffee?  I invite you to take joy out on a “no pressure, let’s just get to know each other date” and see what happens! This “date” can also be used as a reward for yourself. A way to acknowledge what you have done during the day or week or even month. So go ahead, celebrate yourself, and take yourself some place nice!

And Finally:

3.     Bring joy to someone else: If you have ever smiled back at someone enjoying themselves, if their joy was contagious and you shared in it, then this one is for you. How about sharing something you do well or enjoy doing with someone else?

On that note, wishing you a Joyful June from all of us at the Resiliency Center!

Anjana Deshpande, LCSW is a certified Journal and Poetry Therapist. She works with both clients and clinicians who wish to get acquainted with the transformative power of writing. She can be reached at anjanawrite@gmail.com

The importance of connection

by Anjana Deshpande

“I am so happy when I am in my yard” my neighbor across the street yelled.  She was in her element: dirt on her hands, saplings by her side, and the sun pouring all around her. She looked rooted, connected.  

Connection tells us where we belong, where our place in the world is. Strong connections lead to strong roots. But the most profound connection is the one we have with our self.  Not being in touch with who we are, changes our relationship to almost everything that we are trying to engage with. We may be surrounded by family, friends, work but still feel a sense being ungrounded, of not being rooted.  Sometimes the disconnect with self is a way of numbing pain, of not dealing with something from our past, or sometimes it is simply a  lack of access to our inner reserves.  Not being connected to ourselves may lead to issues like depression, but when we try to numb our feelings, we also shut down a creative and joyful part of ourselves. Life becomes flat, boring and devoid of joy .  As we constantly put ourselves on the back burner and cater to the world outside, we forget that we have a tremendous capacity to nurture ourselves.  

How does one reconnect then?  Many people instinctively take to writing to reflect on what is going on, to literally “hear themselves think”. The pages of a journal are a great way to recharge and reconnect.   

If you don’t know where to begin, here is a simple exercise:

Tonight, write down a feeling or quality that you would like to experience: clarity, calm, excitement, love, friendship, peace.  My suggestion would to be lean into a more positive frame of mind. Tomorrow evening, take some time to reflect on where you experienced this feeling or quality in your day. Write about it, and describe the situation/event/feeling in detail. As Kay Adams states, this becomes a fascinating exercise in creating your own reality and changing the focus of your thoughts.  

You may even choose to create a” word bowl” of feelings that you would like to experience, and pick one a day, and pay attention to how it appears in your life.  This pausing, this thoughtfulness and self-reflection is a small yet significant step towards reclaiming yourself.

Anjana Deshpande is a Licensed Clinical Social Worker who specializes in working with Adolescents, Adults and Older Adults.  Please contact Anjana Deshpande, LCSW at anjana@writethought.org or 267-422-2861

The Magic of Connection to Create a Happy Life

by Katie K. May

Do you believe that you have the power to make life magical?

The truth is, you have infinite possibilities to create the life you really want and even YOU can create a life of happiness and success, no matter what your starting point.  The first step is believing that you have it within your power to make this change.  

A few weeks ago, I took my family on a vacation to Orlando with big plans to visit Universal Studios and Harry Potter Wizarding World.  With magic on my mind, we hustled through the airport to our gate, all the while expressing gratitude and excitement for the trip we were about to take.  

Upon arriving at our departure gate, we were told that our tickets had been upgraded to first class! (Insert celebration selfie immediately posted to Instagram here!)  We chatted the whole plane ride, enjoying lots of leg room while eating blueberry breakfast cakes and drinking our beverages out of actual glasses.  Imagine my surprise when my 8-year-old wanted to talk the whole time instead of burying his head in a video game!  (Yay connection!)

Arriving to Orlando, we enjoyed amazing sunny skies and warm weather.  It was a welcome change to the cold start of our Philadelphia spring.  We entered Universal with early admission to the park, psyched to explore Wizarding World.  Our first stop:  Harry Potter and The Forbidden Journey (the ride.)  I smiled and greeted a friendly looking staff member at the start of the line to ask what the ride was like.  She chatted with me about it for a moment, then complimented me on my hair.  I thanked her kindly and we chatted a minute or so more.  

As I was saying my goodbye to her, she called out to me, “Wait!  We’re best friends now… I don’t want you to have to wait in any lines!”  She told us to use her name at every ride and attraction in the park and we would be let through with VIP access.  I hugged her and we were on our way!  We were escorted to the very front of every line in the park!  We waited a mere 20 minutes for a restaurant that had a wait over an hour long.  In fact, the longest wait we had all day was for the restroom.  And the magic all started with a genuine connection!

I'm not a celebrity or rock star, although I feel like one (and tend to color my hair like one!)  What I do have, though, is a belief in myself and my power to create magic in my own life.  I'm a big believer in harnessing life's magic and using it to create a life worth living.  Here are my top three tips to help you create a little magic in your life too…

Connect to a sense of gratitude. Soak in the good of every single moment. Enjoy what you have and express your gratitude and excitement for it. The more you can say I'm loving life right now, the more the universe will throw additional and awesome life experiences your way.

Connect with others. Truly and genuinely connect with others in a way that feels good for you. Show appreciation. Show interest. Be gentle and kind. And do all this just because connection is what makes the world fun and meaningful and not because you're expecting something more from it.

Connect to the present moment. Just BE in every single moment. Behave one-mindfully. Do one thing at a time. Make sure that you are living and acting in a way that screams to the universe I am appreciative and notice the good things that you ALREADY have in life.  Keep your eye on the positives and expect miracles in everyday life.

I love my life every single day. It's not always easy. And I'm not always happy. (I am human!)  But I do appreciate what I have. I do stay present in the moment and open myself to whatever experiences come my way. And, I'm always looking to connect and to genuinely care for other people in a way that makes my life meaningful.  

You too have the power to manifest life’s magic and live your dream life.  With these three tips alone, I can guarantee you that you will begin to connect to yourself and your life in a more magical and meaningful way.

I like to end my articles with an action step so you can connect what you read to your own life experiences.  So here it is:  Write a letter of gratitude to someone you love.  Share what you appreciate about them and how they add to your life in positive ways.  Then, personally deliver the letter to your special someone.  Really soak in the sense of happiness and wellbeing that comes from this practice of connection.

Bonus:  Share your experience with us on The Resiliency Center Facebook page [insert link:  https://www.facebook.com/theresiliencycenter/]  so we can stay connected and cheer you on!

Katie K. May is a Licensed Therapist with a passion for fostering connection, empowerment and skill-building in her therapy groups.  Katie offers a Teen Therapy Group, a Teen DBT Group and a Teen Girls Self-Love & Empowerment Group at The Resiliency Center.  For more information on Katie’s services, please visit her website www.creativehealingphilly.com

What We Sat With This Past Week In The Meditation Classes

by Dean Solon

Pema Chodron:  "Meditation is about seeing clearly the body that we have, the mind that we have, the domestic situation that we have, the job that we have, and the people who are in our lives.  It's about seeing how we react to all these things.  It's seeing our emotions and thoughts just as they are right now, in this very moment, in this very room, on this very seat.  It's about not trying to make them go away, not trying to become better than we are, but just seeing clearly with precision and gentleness."

in this life you have been given this body,
in this life you have been given this mind,
in this life you have been given this heart,
in this life you have been given this experience,
in this life you have been given this path and this possibility,
in this life you have been given this mystery and this surprise.

(with this being easter week, let us add these words):
in this life you have been given this grace,
in this life you have been given this great good fortune.

since you are alive, here is what to do,
                                         here is who to be:
be awake.

since we are alive,
let us be awake.