The times when we need grace the most are the times when we are least likely to give it to ourselves. The term grace has many different meanings, but for this purpose we can consider “giving ourselves grace,” the act of giving ourselves permission to forgive our mistakes, our lapses in judgement, and our hurtful behavior. We forgive ourselves because we are all human, and life can be hard. Author and Yoga teacher Dianne Bondy, in an article on giving yourself grace says, “Grace happens to give us some space, acceptance, and room to take a hard swallow or step back.” She believes that we cannot use grace as an excuse, but rather as an opportunity to take action and move forward. Here are some ideas on how to give yourself grace and move forward:
1. Re-evaluate your goals/expectations
I never want to advise anyone to not dream too big or shoot for the stars. It is great and important to have big long-term goals. But the key to achieving them is to start off small. If you start the New Year saying you are going to go to the gym every single day, but you have been going zero days, that is a big leap. Start with 1-2 days a week, be happy if you make that achievement, and use the motivation to get to the next level. Start with the big goal and then work backwards and break them down into smaller steps/goals and check them off the list as you go along towards the bigger, long-term goal. A strategy called SMART goal setting can be a helpful tool to get started.
2. Just say NO
We live in a world where we feel the need to say yes and constantly people please. “Yes, I’ll take the extra project,” “Yes, I can help you with that,” “Yes, I can add an extra appointment,” “Yes, I can drive you there,” “Yes, I can watch your child.” Helping others is admirable and desirable, but anything to the extreme can be unhealthy. Balance is key. Allow yourself to say no AND to not feel guilty about it. While it can, and usually does, feel good and provide satisfaction to do things for others, there is certainly a limit that we do not always pay attention to. It is healthy to set boundaries. It is a way to be kind to ourselves, recognize our limits, and it sets us up for satisfaction and success versus frustration and burn out.
3. Stop saying “I should”
We need to stop “shoulding” all over ourselves. I do not love this saying, but it carries a lot of truth. Psychologist Clayton Barbeau coined the term “Shoulding yourself,” meaning putting pressure on yourself to do or be something based on what you or others think you’re supposed to be doing or having regret for past actions (or non actions). This type of thinking is very common and provides little to no space for action. It helps us shame and guilt ourselves and leads to a lack of motivation. It keeps us stuck in the past. While we can learn from past behaviors, putting too much pressure on ourselves and living in regret wastes our mental energy. Accepting things from the past and learning to move forward with kindness is a much more productive and beneficial mind set. Replace “should” with “I want to…” or “Next time I will…” and you will feel a difference.
4. Flip the Script
We all talk to ourselves, in our heads (and sometimes out loud). There is a constant reel of automatic thoughts going through our minds all day, every day. And very often these thoughts are negative. We say mean things to ourselves, about ourselves. Research in Cognitive Therapy shows that thoughts cause feelings. Most people believe that events cause feelings, but it really comes down to what we are saying to ourselves. If someone is stuck in a traffic jam and thinks, “Oh no, I am going to be late! My boss will be mad. What if I can’t get all of my work done? I should have left earlier! Why did I make myself coffee?”, then chances are, that person is going to feel anxious and flustered. If someone stuck in the same traffic jam instead thinks, “Ugh, traffic is annoying, but oh well, I can’t control it. I’ll just let my boss know what happened, and I will take this time to get more prepared for work, listen to good music, and roll the windows down to get some fresh air” then, chances are that person is going to feel calm and ready for the day ahead. Same situation – but very different thoughts and very different feelings. It is helpful and important to “flip the script.” Change what you are saying to yourself. When you notice yourself starting to feel a negative emotion, pay attention to what you are saying to yourself in your head and flip it! Replace it with something positive. It may not feel natural at first, but the more you try, the more it will become your typical thought response. I often offer my clients Refocus Bands. It is something you wear on your wrist and on the inside there is a positive phrase. You wear it, flip it, and then refocus. Another idea is to write words or phrases on popsicle sticks and keep them in a bag or in your pocket and pull them out when feeling down. Small things like that are simple but helpful
In closing, I invite you to give yourself grace. Use the month of December to begin practicing self-kindness and let the momentum build throughout 2022. Start with yourself and watch the kindness spread to all of those around you! Let 2022 be the year when compassion was contagious – and it spreads like wildfire.
Therese M. Daniels, MA, LPC has been in the mental health field for 20 years. She provides individual, couples, and family counseling for ages 6 and up. She specializes in anxiety, depression, self-esteem, life transitions, and more. Learn more at https://theresiliencycenter.com/practitioner/theresedaniels / and www.theresedanielscounseling.com. Contact her at therese.danielslcpc@gmail.com or 410-919-9673.
