Light in the Dark

by Olivia Ruffin

Being a light in dark places means embodying hope, resilience, and compassion in the face of adversity. It’s about bringing kindness, understanding, and action where they may seem absent, choosing to act as a beacon when the world feels heavy or uncertain.

In dark times—whether they’re personal struggles, community crises, or widespread societal challenges—being a light can look like standing up for others, even when it’s uncomfortable, or speaking truth to power in a way that inspires and uplifts. It can mean listening to those who feel unheard, offering support to those in need, or simply finding the strength to persevere when circumstances feel daunting. Light doesn’t always mean grand gestures; often, it’s the steady glow of consistency, compassion, and courage.

When we act as light in the darkness, we’re acknowledging that difficult times are part of the human experience but that hope and healing are always possible. In the words of poet Amanda Gorman, “There is always light if only we’re brave enough to see it. If only we’re brave enough to be it.” The choice to shine—whether through our words, actions, or even by holding space for those around us—empowers others to find their own light.

Ultimately, being the light in dark places is a powerful form of resistance. It’s a reminder that, despite hardship, people are inherently capable of making things better, one small action at a time. It’s about being willing to guide, to uplift, and to inspire hope, creating ripples of change that might brighten even the darkest corners.

Mastering the Art of Communication with Your Teen

by Olivia Ruffin, MS, NCC, LPC

Hey there, parents! Let's be real—raising teens is no joke. The road is often bumpy, and communication during these years can feel like a minefield. Your teen is navigating a whirlwind of emotions, trying to figure out their identity, while seeking more independence. It’s no wonder conversations can quickly spiral into misunderstandings. At this stage, your teen is not always sure how to express what they’re feeling, and sometimes, it feels like you’re speaking different languages. It’s easy to feel overwhelmed. But don't stress because every relationship hits bumps in the road. What matters is how we recover and grow from them.

So, let me ask you this: When was the last time you and your teen had a disagreement, and how did both of you feel afterward? Take a moment to think about it. Now, consider this: What steps have you taken to address misunderstandings with your teen, and how effective do you feel those steps have been?

Reflecting on these questions is the first step towards healing and improving your communication with your growing teen. It's all about understanding, patience, and a whole lot of love. In this article, we’ll explore what to avoid and practical ways to mend those communication gaps and build a stronger, more open relationship with your teen. 

What to Avoid

1. Yelling: Your teen comes home late, and you get frustrated, shouting, “Why can’t you just be responsible for once?” Raising your voice can escalate the situation and create a barrier to effective communication. When you yell, it’s not just your teen who feels hurt and misunderstood—you feel it too. Yelling can leave you feeling guilty and regretful afterward, and it doesn't solve the underlying issues.

2. Sweeping Things Under the Rug: After a big argument about curfew, you both pretend it never happened and don’t bring it up again. Acting like the argument never happened can create emotional distance and lingering tension between you and your teen. Avoiding issues might bring temporary peace, but unresolved problems weigh on your mind and your teen may feel dismissed, which can also lead to your teen not respecting boundaries if they know that you won’t talk or stick to them. 

3. Not Acknowledging Your Wrongs: When your teen says you’re being unfair or too harsh, you brush it off with, “I’m just trying to get you to take things seriously” without really hearing them out. Not admitting your mistakes during miscommunication can really hurt the trust and respect between you and your teen. It might be tough to own up, but dodging responsibility can leave you feeling guilty and your teen feeling unimportant and undervalued. This creates emotional distance and ongoing tension.

4. Buying Forgiveness Out of Guilt: After a heated argument about curfew, you feel guilty and decide to let your teen go to a party with friends, even though you know there might be alcohol there. You hope that giving in will make up for the argument and ease the tension, but it doesn’t address the real issues. It might seem like an easy out, but it often leaves you feeling empty and your teen feeling like their emotions aren’t valued. 

Alright, we've talked about some of the common pitfalls in communicating with your teen—yelling, ignoring issues, not owning up to mistakes, and trying to buy forgiveness. Recognizing these habits is the first step toward learning how to change them. So, how do we move from these unhealthy patterns to healthier, more effective ways of connecting? It starts with empathy, patience, and a willingness to grow together. Let’s dive into some practical strategies that can help transform your interactions, mend those communication gaps, and build stronger, more understanding relationships with your teen.  

1. Stay Calm — Instead of Yelling: When your teen comes home late, instead of yelling, take a deep breath, and calmly say, “I’m glad you’re home safe. Let’s talk about why you were late.” Staying calm helps keep the conversation productive and shows your teen that you’re willing to listen.
   

Tip: If a conversation with your teen starts getting heated, suggest pausing and revisiting it at a specific time. This approach doesn't mean avoiding the issue; it ensures the discussion happens without escalating tensions. 

2. Address Issues Directly — Instead of Sweeping Things Under the Rug: After an argument about curfew, don’t ignore the issue. Sit down with your teen the next day and say, “Let’s discuss what happened last night and how we can avoid this situation in the future.” This approach ensures that both of you feel heard and understood, preventing lingering resentment.

"Sweeping problems under the rug only leads to a lumpy rug. We must confront our issues with honesty and compassion to create lasting change”-Harriet Lerner, PhD.

3. Own Your Mistakes — Instead of Not Acknowledging Your Wrongs: If you realize you’ve been too harsh, acknowledge it. Try saying, “I was too hard on you earlier, and I’m sorry. Let’s find a better way to talk about this.” Admitting your mistakes builds trust and respect, showing your teen that it’s okay to own up to their errors too.

“Validating your child’s feelings doesn’t mean you agree with them, but it shows you understand and respect their emotions.” - Dr. Marsha Linehan

4. Set Boundaries — Instead of Buying Forgiveness Out of Guilt: After an argument about curfew, instead of letting your teen go to a potentially risky party out of guilt, explain your concerns and set clear boundaries. Say, “I understand you’re upset, but I’m worried about your safety. Let’s find a safer way for you to spend time with your friends.” This demonstrates that their well-being is your priority and that actions have consequences.

Parenting has its challenges, but it can also be incredibly rewarding, especially when improving communication deepens your connection with your teen. Imagine staying calm instead of yelling, addressing issues head-on, owning up to mistakes, and setting clear boundaries without trying to buy forgiveness. These changes can help create a better connection with your teen and show them how to handle conflicts with empathy and understanding because you're leading the way! If you’re ready to dive into more effective communication or need help guiding your teen through their challenges, I’m here for you. Let’s work together and build and maintain stronger relationships with your teen. You’ve got this!

Olivia Ruffin, MS, LPC, is a compassionate Licensed Professional Counselor who helps high-achieving teens and women unmask perfectionism and embrace more mindful, joyful lives. She specializes in offering practical strategies to navigate anxiety and life transitions, guiding clients toward lasting change and genuine, long-term growth. Olivia is trained in DBT and EMDR, providing a comprehensive approach to processing traumatic memories and teaching effective techniques for mindfulness and emotional regulation. To connect with Olivia, please call 267-434-1030. Or email oruffinlpccounseling@gmail.com

Intuitive Self-Care — Reflections from the Resiliency Center Practitioner Community

We all face the winter doldrums!  Below are some self-care practices that Resiliency Center community members engage in during winter months.

Perhaps all the dragons in our lives are princesses who are only waiting to see us act, just once with beauty and courage. Perhaps everything that frightens us is, in its deepest essence, something helpless that wants our Love. — Rainer Maria Rilke, Letters to a Young Poet.  This prose from Rilke reminds me about life, what is important — Love.  Another practice that helps me to ground, come back to myself is practicing Qigong.  A Master teacher with whom I practice and from whom I find inspiration is Lee Holden. — Karen Steinbrecher

I love to hike in the winter when the woods are so peaceful and quiet.  I also like to snuggle up by the fire and read a book. — Elizabeth Campbell

I like to visit an indoor greenhouse or butterfly garden to get a taste of tropical in the middle of winter. Seasonal physical activity such as ice skating or skiing helps lift my mood too! — Vanessa Mortillo

I drink a lot of tea and eat a lot of soup and my favorite thing to do is make a fire in my fireplace and sit by it and read! — Therese Daniels

I’m a big fan of bubble baths and reading under a blanket when the weather gets cold! — Andrea McGady

I like to bundle up and go for a walk when the sun is out and skies are blue. I find the crisp, cool air refreshing. I also love to watch the winter birds outside my kitchen window and how they celebrate warmer days by splashing around in the bird bath. On snowy days, I love being outside. I find the quiet blanket of snow incredibly peaceful. — Elizabeth Venart

I like to go on nature walks looking for mushrooms, splay out on the carpet in my sweats (which is all I wear outside of work) with my coffee in the morning and make art, embrace rest a bit more, and pray for Spring to come. I am admittedly more challenged with self-care in the winter and my mood is definitely affected by less sun and colder temperatures. — Lindsay Roznowski

54 to 57° is my perfect place. I love the crispness of winter air, it helps me to feel like I can breathe. The stars in the sky also seem brighter and clearer.  I love to look at the trees in the winter and see the nest that I had no idea were there when the trees were in full bloom. It's a reminder to me that they're so many mini miracles happening in the world around me even if I can't always see them. Something's always growing or in bloom somewhere. Best of all the permission that the cold and winter brings to tuck in or cuddle in is a welcomed permission for rest for me.  — Brittiney George

I enjoy puzzles, card games Uno flip, and playing board games like Catan! I also enjoy pray and meditation in the morning with a warm cup of coffee. I like to meditate on the steam leaving the surface, focus on what I'm thankful for, and set my intentions for the day. — Olivia Ruffin

Intentional Self-care for the Winter Doldrums

by Olivia Ruffin, MS, LPC

As the excitement and cheer of the holidays come to a close, friends and family go back to their homes, and it’s time to get back to reality, it can be difficult to find balance in our ordinary schedules. In addition, for those who experience loss, negative experiences, or struggle with Seasonal Affective Disorder (SAD) the winter months can present as a physical and emotional challenge. So as not to get stuck in the “New Year, New Me” wave, here are some tips that can help increase self-care through the winter months and support new experiences, self-compassion, and inner peace.

Live-in alignment with the seasons

“Slow down and enjoy life. It is not only the scenery you miss by going too fast — you also miss the sense of where you are going and why.” Eddie Cantor

Winter is a time for hibernation and to slow down and reflect. It can be difficult with our ever-growing “to-do” list and social pressures to resist the urge to take on new projects. It can be hard to shift our focus from a doing state to one of rest and reflection. The key is to give yourself permission to slow down. A few steps you can take is to practice saying “no”, especially to events and activities that you find draining. I like to support my clients in developing a sense of serenity by practicing mindfulness.

Mindfulness is paying attention to the present moment on purpose, which creates an opportunity to experience happiness and joy. The practice of mindfulness can include guided meditation, practicing gratitude, observing the activity around you on a nature walk, or singing your heart out in the shower. One of my favorite activities to do with clients is to create a gratitude jar; as they accumulate the collection, they are reminded that even on our toughest days, there is still goodness in our world. Developing your own brand of mindfulness is what makes the experience fulfilling and unique.

Maintain a healthy seasonal diet

“In Chinese Medicine, the season of winter is thought to be the most yin of seasons: dark, cold, and slow; a time of conserving energy, rest and stillness, with our qi moving deeper inward to help keep us warm.”-- Jayne Whitman

Chinese medicine teaches us to live in harmony with the seasons. The best method to keep our bodies in balance in winter is to have a mainly warm diet with foods available in the session. To find out what your body needs, stay up to date with your doctor's visits and maybe consider working with a nutritionist. If you struggle to be creative in the kitchen, working with a nutritionist can be a great support to increase confidence and knowledge about foods that bring you joy and keep you satisfied. Sometimes the best medicine starts with what's on the plate.

Revisit a hobby

Hobbies have great benefits for your mental health, whether it’s creative, athletic, academic, by yourself, or with others. Hobbies help us to slow down and unwind. Hobbies also help us to reduce stress, increase mood, and boost creativity. Revisit the joy of reading or try listening to an audiobook and allow yourself to be swept away by the story. Maybe you'd enjoy learning a new skill like crafting, cooking, or learning to play a musical instrument. These are all methods to not only practice mindfulness but bring back simple joys. Does a hobby come to mind? Don't be shy. Now could be the time to enjoy it again.

Stay connected

Just because the holidays are over doesn't mean the fun has to stop there! Staying connected to others is a great way to beat the loneliness of winter. If you are feeling healthy and confident, maybe get back to in-person activities like attending faith-based events, meeting a friend for coffee or dinner dates, or finding friends through new experiences on Eventbrite or Meetup. These are all methods to keep and find meaningful connections.

Intuitive movement

“Intuitive movement is the practice of connecting and listening to your body to figure out how it feels and what type of movement it needs that day.”-- Rachel Harley

I support my clients with the Dialectical Behavioral Therapy (DBT) skill of opposite action. We all have that nagging feeling, “I should get up and move,” but what you might not know is that “should statements” motivate us with guilt or shame.  While that can sometimes get us started, rarely is that movement or change enjoyable or sustainable. Learning to settle into your body and asking yourself what movement would be fulfilling for you right now could be the key to unlocking sustainability and creativity. From yoga to dancing to playing with your kids in the snow, noticing if it feels good to move your body differently is what counts!

Although the winter months can be cold and gloomy, that doesn't mean your self-care routine needs to suffer. By living in alignment with the season and slowing down, staying warm, and reflecting through mindful engagement, you can increase joy and connection even in the middle of winter. If this sounds like a new resolution you can get behind and you need support to get started, then I might be the therapist for you! Let's get connected!

Olivia Ruffin, MS, LPC is a Licensed Professional Counselor that works with teens and adults. She specializes in working with individuals with anxiety, depression, and life transitions to cultivate joy and develop helpful and relevant strategies to empower clients with concrete tools for lasting change. To connect with Olivia, please call 267-434-1030. Learn more here.