A year of living with and learning from COVID 19 - by Heather Hill

Do you remember your life a year ago?  What you were doing/planning/dreaming about?  This February, I’m intensely aware that we are approaching the one year anniversary of living with COVID 19.  It’s hard to believe all that has taken place.  2020 and part of 2021 seems like it’s been suspended in time or that time itself has found a wrinkle that we are living.  If someone had told me we would be living this long in various stages of lockdown a year ago, I would have climbed right out of my skin.  Instead, it has been a slow wayward journey of shedding expectations, slowing down, living with uncertainty, cherishing those we love, enjoying nature, getting outdoors, being grateful for what we have, and learning to live with less.  Inspired by a Facebook Post, of all things, I invited the practitioners of the Resiliency Center to reflect on their journey through the year in this newsletter.  Here are the questions for reflection which we invite the reader to reflect on as well: 

 

Questions to consider: 

1. For what are you most grateful as you look back over the year and why? 

2. What did you take for granted this year?   

3. What did this reveal to you about yourself and your presence in the world?   

4. What new hobby or old pastime did you take up or revive during this time? 

5. Was there an unexpected joy that you experienced during this time?  

6. What is the most important thing that the year of Covid 19 has taught you?   

 

We close this newsletter with some of our favorite shows and books that have accompanied us along the way.  Almost every phone call or zoom gathering I have had with friends and family has ended with sharing our favorite stories either in book or digital form.  These stories have made us laugh, inspired us or temporarily transported us away from the angst and stress of living through COVID times.   

 

My Reflections

For what are you most grateful as you look back over the year and why? I’m grateful for my family, friends and health but that is not unusual except that I feel it more palpably and daily.  This year, I’ve also been grateful for my work that allows me to connect with others in a meaningful way and on a deeply human level, to bear witness to the strength and resiliency of the human spirit and to laugh in the midst of struggle and pain.   

 

What did you take for granted this year? This year I learned how much I always take for granted:  opportunities and a sense of safety afforded to me by white privilege, health, food security, choices for education, employment, space- both in my own home and in my neighborhood.   

 

What did this reveal to you about yourself and your presence in the world? This has revealed to me that I have been sleepwalking in some ways.  The struggle and challenges of 2020 have awakened within me an urgency about social, racial, and environmental justice.  This year has revealed to me that my busy-ness can and does rob me of precious energy and clarity needed to devote to working for causes I believe in and spending more time with people I love.  The time to rest, reflect can bring forth a return to the things that truly matter.       

   

What new hobby or old pastime did you take up or revive during this time? I found Yoga with Adrienne on Youtube!  I have never been a regular practitioner of yoga because I’d much rather run, spin or swim...but Adrienne’s delightful personality and less than one hour classes won me over.  I also reconnected with a textile artist friend who has guided me on a journey called “The Art of Weaving a Life” by Susan Barrett Merrill.  I find weaving to be soothing and meditative...and less frustrating to me than knitting! 

   

Was there an unexpected joy that you experienced during this time? One day we dragged our firepit to the end of the driveway and invited our neighbors, who we used to hold at a respectful distance, to join us.  Thus began an unlikely friendship of two families from different political parties during an election year.  We watch over each other, take care of our neighbors who can’t get to the grocery store or shovel their walks, and coordinate a weekly dinner exchange.  Also the birds coming to our new birdfeeder along with the time to slow down and observe them always gives me joy.  It just never gets old seeing a male bright red cardinal in the winter landscape.     

 

What is the most important thing that the year of Covid 19 has taught you? I have always been a restless soul and felt the constant need to get out or see lots of friends.  I’ve resisted quieter pastimes and the rest that is so restorative.  The year of COVID 19 taught me I could adapt and not just survive, but thrive on simple pleasures like baking bread, having patience, finding connection and loving the people right in your own backyard.  I am integrating more of my values into my space and my family’s life.  I learned that small acts of kindness are the surest route to a sense of connection and belonging. 

 

The intersection of Grief and Guilt

by Kim Vargas, LCSW

It is certainly not surprising that a significant amount of the therapeutic work I am currently doing with clients revolves around working on feelings of loss. The pandemic has triggered intense experiences of grief. People are grieving the loss of loved ones who have died of COVID. They are grieving deaths unrelated to COVID, but where COVID made it impossible to attend hospital stays and funerals. They are grieving the loss of jobs and schools and connections. They are grieving the loss of normalcy.

It is important to note that grief can be cumulative. In 2001, when I worked with survivors of the Pentagon terrorist attack, I was amazed by how many people talked about losses completely unrelated to recent events. I heard about lost siblings, partners, and close friends who had died years before. It turned out that the grief related to the recent event was significant in itself, but that it also provoked thoughts and feelings about previous losses. The combination sent people reeling. The same is true today. Those processing losses brought about by COVID may also be suddenly inundated by sadness and grief from earlier bereavement. If not known and understood, this can feel terrifying.

While grief alone is excruciating, many of these same people also experience guilt. For some, this guilt is a relatively small piece of the bigger picture. For others, the guilt is crushing and overwhelming, and sometimes overshadows the grief itself.

Prior to COVID’s arrival, I had already been exploring this intersection of guilt and grief in my clients’ lives. I initially found it puzzling that it was such a universal part of grief to feel guilty. I started to unpack what my clients meant when they said “I feel so bad” after a major loss. Time after time, with deeper examination, what initially appeared to be guilt was often actually another manifestation of intense grief.

Part of this comes from the notion that grief is such a confusing, disempowering feeling, that people may seek to better understand it by inserting themselves into the equation. Guilt gives us the false sense that we could have controlled something that was truly out of our control. For many people, disempowerment feels worse than almost anything else, and can be terrifying.

Often the guilt is irrational and truly has little or nothing to do with the actual loss. Sometimes it seems easier to feel guilt that to sit in the horror of the loss. Focusing on our own role in the loss also distances us from the actual loss feelings.  In the end, of course, this only serves to make us feel worse. However, we are rarely aware in the moment of this progression, and the loss and guilt sometimes meld together until it feels like we are carrying a million pounds of feelings.

I encourage my clients to deeply consider the role of guilt. Feeling guilty about something can be useful; it may make us stop a behavior, or be less likely to do the same thing in the future. But beyond guilt’s ability to inspire us to make changes, it rarely serves a purpose. For that reason, I suggest that clients consider how they can empower themselves, by first thinking through what specifically they feel badly about. When we unpack the bad feelings, what often comes to the surface is a more pure form of grief. And while that grief can be agonizing, it is imperative to the healing process to really name and understand the genuine emotion.

Kim Vargas, LCSW provides therapy to individuals, couples, and groups. Kim works with her clients to address a variety of issues, including depression, anxiety, grief, self esteem, and relationships. She also specializes in helping moms and dads to navigate postpartum issues and parenting. To learn more or schedule an appointment, contact Kim at kimvargastherapy@gmail.com or 267-568-7846.

Steps to walk yourself through grief-related guilt

by Kim Vargas, LCSW

Name the feeling. Do not allow yourself to just call it guilt without really digging deep to determine whether you believe you actually have something legitimate that you feel you did wrong. Talk to someone you trust about these feelings.

Acknowledge cumulative grief if applicable. Ask yourself whether some of the grief/guilt might be related to a previous loss. If so, be mindful of the cumulative effect of the grief.  Naming and assigning the grief to its separate roots can be helpful.

Address any legitimate guilt. If you do determine that you have done something wrong, try to find ways to make amends or plan to behave differently in the future. Remind yourself that you cannot change the past, but you can take control of the future.

Accept the sadness. Once you have acknowledged grief as the primary emotion, allow yourself to feel the sadness. Sometimes it is better to sit in the pain than to try to banish it without examination. It can be especially helpful to process these feelings with a trusted individual.

Practice self care and self compassion. Grief takes a tremendous toll on people. In order to keep functioning, it is vital to take care of yourself. In addition, having compassion for oneself makes the process easier. There may be times when the grief is crushing, and other times when it feels more manageable. Giving yourself grace during the hardest times will encourage healing.

Empower yourself. Given that part of the guilt may be a dysfunctional way to feel more in control, it is useful to find healthy ways to empower yourself. This may or may not be related to the grief itself. In some cases, finding empowerment in any realm of one’s life can be incredibly beneficial. This may mean a major life shift, but more often takes the form of something in the moment. Accomplishing a task, cleaning your house, or going out for a run are small examples that may have a large impact.

For Grief

by John O’Donohue (From To Bless the Space Between Us)

 

When you lose someone you love,

Your life becomes strange,

The ground beneath you gets fragile,

Your thoughts make your eyes unsure;

And some dead echo drags your voice down

Where words have no confidence.

 

Your heart has grown heavy with loss;

And though this loss has wounded others too,

No one knows what has been taken from you

When the silence of absence deepens.

 

Flickers of guilt kindle regret

For all that was left unsaid or undone.

 

There are days when you wake up happy;

Again inside the fullness of life,

Until the moment breaks

And you are thrown back

Onto the black tide of loss.

 

Days when you have your heart back,

You are able to function well

Until in the middle of work or encounter,

Suddenly with no warning,

You are ambushed by grief.

 

It becomes hard to trust yourself.

All you can depend on now is that

Sorrow will remain faithful to itself.

More than you, it knows its way

And will find the right time

To pull and pull the rope of grief

Until that coiled hill of tears

Has reduced to its last drop.

 

Gradually, you will learn acquaintance

With the invisible form of your departed;

And when the work of grief is done,

The wound of loss will heal

And you will have learned

To wean your eyes

From that gap in the air

And be able to enter the hearth

In your soul where your loved one

Has awaited your return

All the time.

 

A Fire In The Head

 by Dean Solon

words are empty.

we infuse them with grace

and with grit.

they have no home

but what we give them.

i consider this,

i contemplate this.

what arises 

is grace,

an experience of who i was

before i was born

into this strange and awkward world.

when i was born,

i came into a light that welcomed me

as another stranger 

in a strange land.

my eyes opened to a terrain

brand new

and oddly familiar,

a land that breathed life

into my recently formed lungs.

i was born to be here,

blown by the winds of seeming chance

that have transfigured as i have grown older

to be something else:

an essence,

a vitality of living matter

infused with purpose and passion

to be an originality of form

and to be a singularity of spirit,

one soul among billions

teeming, streaming

on the planet.

i remember no other home 

but this one we call earth.

yet here I am

wondering out loud:

what brought me to this galaxy,

what took hold of me

to bring me here

and make these footprints 

in these sands of time and place

The Inner Ocean #7

 By Dean Solon

another episode of the ocean clearing the synapses,

washing clean the stray thought forms that pop up.

the waves bringing the good news:

my head has been emptied 

again.

the excellent practice of witnessing what is present

in the space between thoughts

is rendered nearly obsolete:

where the brain is silenced

there is no space to be filled...

when the brain is silenced 

all there is is the fullness of timeless time...

i am noticing the sun beginning

it’s daily descent into nothingness.

it does so with a big show

of fantastical shifting colors,

of daring drops toward the horizon,

of tricking me into thinking it has gone somewhere

when it is here, always here,

a shining light presence

in the boundlessness of our inner ocean worlds.

Color Visualization Exercise to Release Tension

by Kathleen Krol, MSS, LCSW, RPT-S

 

Scan your body beginning with your head down to your feet and notice if there is any tension anywhere. If there is, bring your open-hearted curiosity to it. Allow yourself think of the area of tension as a color. Invite yourself to notice if the tension has a shape, texture, and temperature to it as well. Next think of a color you like that makes you feel calm and relaxed. Does this color have a shape, texture, and temperature? Imagine this color coming in through the top of your head like rays of light or mist and going to the spot of tension. Imagine this color permeating around the area of tension and bringing in calm, softening the spot of tension, perhaps maker it smaller. You may want to breathe gently as you continue to allow the calming color to soften the tension.

 

Another variation of this exercise is to imagine the tension is a color you don’t like. As you take a breath in, then breathe out, imagine you are releasing the color along with the tension. With each exhale, you are blowing out the tension and this color. Now imagine a color that you do like, that makes you feel relaxed and calm. As you breath in, imagine that color coming in with your breath and think “calm”. Continue to exhale, saying “letting go of tension” silently in your mind each time you breath out. Imagine more of the calm color entering your body as you slowly breathe in and relax.