The importance of connection

by Anjana Deshpande

“I am so happy when I am in my yard” my neighbor across the street yelled.  She was in her element: dirt on her hands, saplings by her side, and the sun pouring all around her. She looked rooted, connected.  

Connection tells us where we belong, where our place in the world is. Strong connections lead to strong roots. But the most profound connection is the one we have with our self.  Not being in touch with who we are, changes our relationship to almost everything that we are trying to engage with. We may be surrounded by family, friends, work but still feel a sense being ungrounded, of not being rooted.  Sometimes the disconnect with self is a way of numbing pain, of not dealing with something from our past, or sometimes it is simply a  lack of access to our inner reserves.  Not being connected to ourselves may lead to issues like depression, but when we try to numb our feelings, we also shut down a creative and joyful part of ourselves. Life becomes flat, boring and devoid of joy .  As we constantly put ourselves on the back burner and cater to the world outside, we forget that we have a tremendous capacity to nurture ourselves.  

How does one reconnect then?  Many people instinctively take to writing to reflect on what is going on, to literally “hear themselves think”. The pages of a journal are a great way to recharge and reconnect.   

If you don’t know where to begin, here is a simple exercise:

Tonight, write down a feeling or quality that you would like to experience: clarity, calm, excitement, love, friendship, peace.  My suggestion would to be lean into a more positive frame of mind. Tomorrow evening, take some time to reflect on where you experienced this feeling or quality in your day. Write about it, and describe the situation/event/feeling in detail. As Kay Adams states, this becomes a fascinating exercise in creating your own reality and changing the focus of your thoughts.  

You may even choose to create a” word bowl” of feelings that you would like to experience, and pick one a day, and pay attention to how it appears in your life.  This pausing, this thoughtfulness and self-reflection is a small yet significant step towards reclaiming yourself.

Anjana Deshpande is a Licensed Clinical Social Worker who specializes in working with Adolescents, Adults and Older Adults.  Please contact Anjana Deshpande, LCSW at anjana@writethought.org or 267-422-2861

The Magic of Connection to Create a Happy Life

by Katie K. May

Do you believe that you have the power to make life magical?

The truth is, you have infinite possibilities to create the life you really want and even YOU can create a life of happiness and success, no matter what your starting point.  The first step is believing that you have it within your power to make this change.  

A few weeks ago, I took my family on a vacation to Orlando with big plans to visit Universal Studios and Harry Potter Wizarding World.  With magic on my mind, we hustled through the airport to our gate, all the while expressing gratitude and excitement for the trip we were about to take.  

Upon arriving at our departure gate, we were told that our tickets had been upgraded to first class! (Insert celebration selfie immediately posted to Instagram here!)  We chatted the whole plane ride, enjoying lots of leg room while eating blueberry breakfast cakes and drinking our beverages out of actual glasses.  Imagine my surprise when my 8-year-old wanted to talk the whole time instead of burying his head in a video game!  (Yay connection!)

Arriving to Orlando, we enjoyed amazing sunny skies and warm weather.  It was a welcome change to the cold start of our Philadelphia spring.  We entered Universal with early admission to the park, psyched to explore Wizarding World.  Our first stop:  Harry Potter and The Forbidden Journey (the ride.)  I smiled and greeted a friendly looking staff member at the start of the line to ask what the ride was like.  She chatted with me about it for a moment, then complimented me on my hair.  I thanked her kindly and we chatted a minute or so more.  

As I was saying my goodbye to her, she called out to me, “Wait!  We’re best friends now… I don’t want you to have to wait in any lines!”  She told us to use her name at every ride and attraction in the park and we would be let through with VIP access.  I hugged her and we were on our way!  We were escorted to the very front of every line in the park!  We waited a mere 20 minutes for a restaurant that had a wait over an hour long.  In fact, the longest wait we had all day was for the restroom.  And the magic all started with a genuine connection!

I'm not a celebrity or rock star, although I feel like one (and tend to color my hair like one!)  What I do have, though, is a belief in myself and my power to create magic in my own life.  I'm a big believer in harnessing life's magic and using it to create a life worth living.  Here are my top three tips to help you create a little magic in your life too…

Connect to a sense of gratitude. Soak in the good of every single moment. Enjoy what you have and express your gratitude and excitement for it. The more you can say I'm loving life right now, the more the universe will throw additional and awesome life experiences your way.

Connect with others. Truly and genuinely connect with others in a way that feels good for you. Show appreciation. Show interest. Be gentle and kind. And do all this just because connection is what makes the world fun and meaningful and not because you're expecting something more from it.

Connect to the present moment. Just BE in every single moment. Behave one-mindfully. Do one thing at a time. Make sure that you are living and acting in a way that screams to the universe I am appreciative and notice the good things that you ALREADY have in life.  Keep your eye on the positives and expect miracles in everyday life.

I love my life every single day. It's not always easy. And I'm not always happy. (I am human!)  But I do appreciate what I have. I do stay present in the moment and open myself to whatever experiences come my way. And, I'm always looking to connect and to genuinely care for other people in a way that makes my life meaningful.  

You too have the power to manifest life’s magic and live your dream life.  With these three tips alone, I can guarantee you that you will begin to connect to yourself and your life in a more magical and meaningful way.

I like to end my articles with an action step so you can connect what you read to your own life experiences.  So here it is:  Write a letter of gratitude to someone you love.  Share what you appreciate about them and how they add to your life in positive ways.  Then, personally deliver the letter to your special someone.  Really soak in the sense of happiness and wellbeing that comes from this practice of connection.

Bonus:  Share your experience with us on The Resiliency Center Facebook page [insert link:  https://www.facebook.com/theresiliencycenter/]  so we can stay connected and cheer you on!

Katie K. May is a Licensed Therapist with a passion for fostering connection, empowerment and skill-building in her therapy groups.  Katie offers a Teen Therapy Group, a Teen DBT Group and a Teen Girls Self-Love & Empowerment Group at The Resiliency Center.  For more information on Katie’s services, please visit her website www.creativehealingphilly.com

What We Sat With This Past Week In The Meditation Classes

by Dean Solon

Pema Chodron:  "Meditation is about seeing clearly the body that we have, the mind that we have, the domestic situation that we have, the job that we have, and the people who are in our lives.  It's about seeing how we react to all these things.  It's seeing our emotions and thoughts just as they are right now, in this very moment, in this very room, on this very seat.  It's about not trying to make them go away, not trying to become better than we are, but just seeing clearly with precision and gentleness."

in this life you have been given this body,
in this life you have been given this mind,
in this life you have been given this heart,
in this life you have been given this experience,
in this life you have been given this path and this possibility,
in this life you have been given this mystery and this surprise.

(with this being easter week, let us add these words):
in this life you have been given this grace,
in this life you have been given this great good fortune.

since you are alive, here is what to do,
                                         here is who to be:
be awake.

since we are alive,
let us be awake.




   

Mindfulness---Heartfulness

by Dean Solon

Ram Dass:  "We are all just walking each other home."

In my lifetime, mindfulness---in its multitude of forms---has become one of the most popular indoor sports in the United States.
It is a sport, it is a practice, that comes with many instructions.
Yet there are no rules...other than this, perhaps:  A heart of the practice is being kind and gentle with yourself.

Meditation is a personal journey, is a path of discovery.
Each of us is born into this life,
without a visible road map,
and told to explore.
Exploring, it can be easy to forget you are are exploring.
Experimenting, it it can be easy to forget you are experimenting.
Exploring and experimenting, it may be easy to forget---in this world with a nearly infinite possibility of activities, of experiences, of dramas and distractions---that within each of is is a nearly infinite ocean of possibility.
Within you is a world of mystery and surprise, is a world of awe and splendor.
Within you is a possibility of experiencing connection.  Within you is who you were as you came into this life, and who you are now:  A being of light and warmth.  A being who is, in your heart of hearts, loving and kind, compassionate and merciful, peaceful and joyful.  A being who is mindful and heartful.
Each of us an explorer.
Each of us an experiment.

During an interview published in early 2015, Jon Kabat-Zinn (the originator of the Mindfulness-Based Stress Reduction program more than 35 years ago) said:  "In Asian languages, the word for 'mind' and the word for 'heart' tend to be the same word.  So if you're not hearing the word 'heartfulness' when you're hearing the word 'mindfulness', you're really not understanding what it's all about.  You're going into thought, and you're going into your concept of mindfulness, but mindfulness is pointing at something beyond words, underneath words, underneath thinking."

So, be sitting with this.
Be sitting with this...
with this body, with this mind, with this heart,
with this life, with this breath.
Simply, taking in this moment...
Simply, breathing in this moment...
Simply, being in this moment...

Eyes closed, heart beating,
breath rising and falling, doing nothing.

It is lovely this may be all that is required:
A place to sit, a place to be quiet,
a place to be alive and alert and awake.

So, be sitting with this, mindfully, heartfully...

His Holiness the Dalai Lama:  "The initiative must come from the individual.  In a change from the warrior-like society to a peaceful one at the world-wide level, the more peaceful world starts with the individual.  Why?  It wakes an emotional change:  Compassion."

Sitting, lightly and gently aware of the breath, moving in and through and out of the body.
Allowing an easing of the body, an easing of the spirit.  Allowing a feeling of being comfortable, as you are sitting, here, now, in the space we call a planet, we call the earth.
Allowing a feeling of being gentle and kind with yourself, a core of this practice and of this life.
Allowing feelings of gentleness and kindness for living beings, who are near and dear to you in this life.
Allowing feelings of gentleness and kindness for living beings, numbered in the many billions, who are not yet near and dear to you in this life.

Simply, taking in this moment...
Simply, breathing in this moment...
Simply, being in this moment...

Setting Intentions as a Catalyst for Growth

Setting Intentions as a Catalyst for Growth
by Jennifer Perry

Welcome to March! Our theme this month is fittingly “Growth: Thought into Action”.  I love March and looking for the first signs of Spring. Small flowers that start to come up, even as they are covered in snow from a late winter storm. While it may not seem like it, according to the winds and bluster that accompany March, I think of the small snowdrops and crocus as Mother Nature’s intentions of Spring.   

Intention is defined in three ways: 1) a thing intended, an aim or plan; 2) the purpose or attitude toward the effect of one’s actions or conduct; 3) the healing process of a wound.  This Spring, I have a new offering. It was once a thought, then an intention, and is now an action! I am offering a 10 week Peaceful Parent Coaching Program. One of my favorite pieces of the program is sharing with parents how to have “Empowered Conversations” that both honor the authentic reactions of all parties AND seek to reach a peaceful resolution.

Setting an intention for a conversation is remarkably healing. Even the old, chronic arguments in relationships that seem beyond resolution not only can be healed but can be a catalyst for a deeper intimacy and growth. The conversation starts with an intention.  Even in the most conflictual of impasses that can occur between spouses, parents and children, friends and other family members, an intention can reach out like a small flower in the midst of the iciest storm.

Imagine starting a conversation with: “My intention is … to clear the air with you … to come up with a solution together … to remember that we are on the same team and we love each other ...” Conversations, especially conflictual ones, have an energy all of their own. We often get caught up in the moment, saying things we don’t necessarily mean but say “for argument’s sake” or to prove our point. This dynamic turns what could be a collaborative-spirited, problem-solving, empowered conversation into one full of sharp words that invalidate each other and pits loved ones into the positions of adversaries. We don’t need to be too hard on ourselves about this. It is part of our human natures. However, we can consciously set an intention to help us remember where we are, what end we seek, and how we influence each other - keeping in mind the real prize: empowered, connected conversations with our loved ones with enough spaciousness for everyone’s feelings and needs.

In going through the 10 weeks of the Peaceful Parent Program myself with my own family, I know first hand how difficult old habits can be to change. But with intention they certainly can change.

Experiment with a few of the suggestions below for empowered conversations (adapted from the Jai Parent Institute and Non-Violent Communication: 

• Breathe and notice ~ as you are talking to your loved one keep your breath and body sensations in your awareness. If you notice yourself getting hijacked by the argumentative process, stop. Take a sip of water, notice it out loud: “I’m getting worked up and unproductive, let’s take a break and come back in a few minutes.”
• State your intention ~ and restate as many times as necessary. Your intention is a guide for the entire conversation. Encourage your loved one to state an intention as well.
• Take responsibility for your part ~ own any fears that are pulling you into combative mode and anything that is affecting how you show up to the conversation. This also helps your loved one understand where you are coming from.
• State your feelings and needs ~ we can argue about rules and points of view but feelings and needs just are. Get clear on what your own feelings and needs are and practice communicating them.
• Offer empathy for your loved one’s feelings and needs ~ Imagine how they must be feeling and given who they are, how they experience the situation.  Ask them if your understanding is correct and resonates with them. This is fertile ground for intimacy and respectful problem solving.
• Make a request ~ after laying down the groundwork (it gets easier and more natural with practice!) make a request in the spirit of collaboration toward a common goal. “Would you be willing ….” is an excellent way to clarify and move forward together.

Jennifer Perry, MA, LPC, is a Licensed Professional Counselor, Mindfulness Teacher and Peaceful Parenting Coach. Using Mindfulness and Acceptance and Commitment strategies she helps clients relate to themselves and their experiences with compassion in order live full and meaningful lives. She builds on her clients’ values and strengths and teaches them mindfulness and creative problem-solving skills, empowering them to find authentic self-expression in the world. Her approach balances the desire for personal growth and change with acceptance and loving-kindness for self and others. Contact her at jen@heartfulnessconsulting.com and 215-292-5056.

 

New 10 Week Peaceful Parenting Program

Is parenting more difficult than you ever imagined?  Do you react to your child in ways that you feel horrible about later?  Do you long for connection and cooperation with your child but find yourself relying on techniques that seem to pit you against each other, locked in a seemingly endless battle? There is help. You can learn the practice of peaceful parenting. You can learn tools and techniques supported by the latest brain science to infuse your parenting with more mindfulness, presence, attunement, and connection. You can parent from a place of love, not fear; cooperation, not coercion. A peaceful home is possible! Parenting is a journey, a practice. You can get support so that you can:

• Learn to address your triggers as a parent.
• Become your child's emotion coach and learn an empowering communication style based on feelings and needs.
• Discover and articulate your family's values and use them to set limits that peacefully stick.
• Explore and manage anger in healthy ways and repair the inevitable ruptures that occur.
• Shift from a dominant, "power-over" paradigm to a peaceful parenting paradigm.

To learn more contact Jen Perry at 215-292-5056 or jen@heartfulnessconsulting.com
  

 

A New Life

by Dean Solon
(with nods of gratitude to Ken Wilber and Kim Stanley Robinson)

closing your eyes, lightly and gently, allowing the activities of the brain, the activities of this life, to subside, to quiet within you.
allowing a silence to envelop you, to touch you, to permeate you...

in the inner landscape of your mind's eye, looking around, you may see the great tapestry of the universe woven and weaving with a wondrous ebb and flow, you may be honoring the natural rhythms and cycles of your nature.
we are told the entire cosmos is pulsating like our hearts are pulsating, and like microcosmic atoms are vibrating within us.

to be feeling the rhythm of life is to be dancing to the greatest symphony of all, and to be denying its pulsing is to be missing the essence of all expression.  life...living...is about changes, growth, retreat, activity, rest, unfolding, going inward, participating in the outwards.

a new day beginning, a new day dawning.
who am i, today?  who am i, now?
who are you, today?  who are you, now?
a new being...a new version...a new vision, a new life.

encountering a new day.
engaging with a new day.
encountering and engaging with a new life,
encountering and engaging as a new life.

any and all thought-forms,
like clouds passing across the big sky.
as clouds passing across the big sky...
.

Inner Peace

by Jeff Katowitz

How would one define inner peace? Is it a state where we feel calm, quiet, noticing that things around us are slowing down? We continually hear of the pursuit or quest to “find peace.” This “quest” suggests a movement of some sort – a depiction of a future concept where a situation or a shift in a circumstance may lead to an anticipation of feeling better, happier and perhaps more peaceful.

 

Is it possible to experience “peace” no matter the situation or circumstance developing or unfolding around us? Perhaps we could consider engaging in a short exercise of consciousness where we begin to become more aware of what we are feeling and sensing – a strategy to help slow down or to gain a better perspective of how our mind is operating. 

Imagine if we could learn how to sit still and be able to deflect the wave of turbulent thoughts. Imagine being able to replace the turbulent thoughts with a vision or alternative way of processing information that may help us to place our situation in a different context – one where we become curious of what is unfolding around us. What if we could give up the need for outcome or an attachment to a situation that we’ve defined as “better?” It may be quite refreshing to be able to find an opening where we become free of a need to “feel better” and rather choose to engage in a quiet internal dialogue that consists of a knowing that despite what is happening in front of us visually or what we are able to hear, touch, smell or anticipate, our curiosity can serve to detach us from the situation. It could be quite extraordinary being in this place of “detachment” where the stillness or quiet is clearly present. Imagine this brief moment that may consist of a matter of seconds or minutes feeling calm and still. Might this be a definition of peace?

Experiment with a few of the suggestions below from Echkart Tolle as way to gain a sense of Inner Peace through the cultivation of power and presence: 

• Window Meditation: “Behind your thoughts there is a stillness. For example, I recommend looking out of the window several times during the day. For a moment, look out and just take in what is there. Perhaps, there is a vast expanse of sky or a tree. Give it attention for a moment. There is a shift that occurs inside of you. That is stillness.”
• Sky Meditation:  “Look at the sky for a moment — giving it your full attention. It takes you away from mundane things, all the little stuff that you have to deal with continuously, and then you have a moment of stillness, of presence, of awareness.”
• Simple Activity:  choose a routine activity and bringing consciousness into the ‘doing.’ “Step out of your thoughts and just be conscious of your sense perceptions, so that the dimension of awareness grows in you.” An example could be a daily chore such as doing laundry or making the bed. Instead of rushing through the activity to get to the next item on your to-do list, take a conscious breath and feel the texture of the fabric on your hands.
• The Gap: “Pay attention to the gap — the gap between two thoughts, the brief, silent space between words in a conversation, the notes of a piano or flute, or the in-breath and out-breath. When you pay attention to those gaps, awareness of “something” becomes just awareness. The formless dimension of pure consciousness arises from within you and replaces identification with form.”

“Gradually, as we increase the moments of stillness in our lives, we begin to experience presence power. This helps to free us from the voice in the head; the continuous stream of thinking that prevents us from experiencing inner peace in the present moment.”- Echkart Tolle

Jeffrey Katowitz, LMFT, AAMFT, is a Licensed Marriage and Family Therapist. His areas of specialty include divorce and separation, blended family issues, adoption, adolescent development and transitions, grief and loss, and managing and working through traumatic life events.  Jeff’s goal is to provide a safe a nurturing environment for the individual and family system to feel more readily able to access the strength to overcome difficult transitions and events in their lives. Contact him at jpkatowitz@verizon.net and 215-307-0055.