Helping your Child to Manage Anger

by Elizabeth Campbell, MS, LPC

One of the most beautiful aspects of parenting is your relationship with your child.  In this relationship, you are an attachment figure, and are responsible for shaping a child’s life in many ways.  Attachment influences identity, self-esteem, future relationships, and emotional regulation.  In other words, your child learns from their relationship with you how to calm themselves down when they feel intense emotions.  Often adults immediately go to behavioral means to manage troubling behaviors that come with anger, and although structure is imperative for a child’s development, the parent-child relationship is the foundation for change.

One of the ways that children develop so rapidly in their early years is through modeling.  They utilize mirror neurons within the attachment relationship as a means to grow.  Awareness of these mirror neurons in parenting can be extremely helpful.  The phrase, “actions speak louder than words,” is very accurate in parenting!  Modeling is the most effective way for your child to learn from you.  Therefore, if you use self-care by going to the gym, meditating, spending time with friends, baking, etc., you are providing an excellent model for a child to learn how to regulate themselves.  Controlling anger is not just in the moment, it is a practice of regulating stress overall.  The opposite is also true.  If you are struggling with taking care of yourself and juggling the demands of family, your child sees that and learns from it.  In prioritizing your own self-care, you are also prioritizing your child’s emotional health.  This can be done as an activity to also foster attachment and your relationship with your child.  Self-care can be a family activity such as a family nature walk or sharing a hobby with your child.

Mindfulness is another great skill to teach your child for general emotional regulation and anger management.  This can take many forms.  This may be creating a “comfort corner” in which various senses are stimulated.  For instance, there may be a comfy blanket, a book, calming music, a scented lotion, or a stuffed animal.  A child can visit this corner not just when upset, but frequently to again lower their overall stress level.  Another option is a mindful scavenger hunt, where a child notices things via their senses around them.  A final mindful tool that is very effective with anger management is deep breathing.  Children can learn to take deep belly breaths by putting a stuffed animal on their stomach while laying down, then making it move up and down with their inhales and exhales.  There are also fun breaths such as balloon breath, where a child “blows up” like a balloon with their inhale then exhales like a balloon letting go of its air. 

Another important part of teaching our children anger management is our response to their anger.  Garry Landreth’s Child Parent Relational Training advocates that parents act as a thermostat rather than a thermometer.  You set the temperature rather than reacting to them.  When adults react to anger with anger, the emotionality of the situation increases exponentially.  If you respond calmly and set consistent limits, the child begins to learn parameters and how to regulate themselves. 

By interacting with your child in a ways that demonstrate effective means of regulating your own emotions, modeling self-care, and teaching skills in fun ways, you can set your child up to independently regulate themselves.  Your relationship and your interactions with your child are building blocks for change.

The Anger of Unmet Needs

by Kim Vargas, LCSW

Why does a particular situation bring up anger for one person, and a laugh for someone else? Why is it that some people respond to the words of others with fury, and others can just shrug it off? The answer is two-fold: Each person has different perceptions of any given situation, based on his/her own history, background, and upbringing. In addition, each individual has unique needs that must be met in order for that person to operate optimally. When perception combines with each individual’s needs, interpretations of a situation differ, leading to very different reactions.

When a person perceives that his/her needs remain unmet, feelings of anxiety, loneliness, fear, sadness, and shame develop. Unfortunately, we are not always aware of these underlying feelings, known as the “primary emotions”.  Instead, the conscious manifestation of unmet needs is often a feeling of anger, which is actually the secondary emotion. To visualize this idea of primary and secondary emotions, picture an iceberg with only anger peeking out at the top.  The anger is the tip of the iceberg, and it’s often all that we see. However, this is only a small part of the entire iceberg. The rest of the iceberg, which consists of the primary emotions, lies beneath the surface and is often more difficult to see.  Once primary emotions are identified, unmet needs become evident.  

In 1943, Abraham Maslow proposed a hierarchy of needs that starts with the basic physiological necessities including food, water, shelter, and clothing, and goes on to include the needs for safety, love and belonging, esteem, and self-actualization. 

When any of these needs remain unmet, two things may happen.  The first is that we are generally at higher risk to feel anger.  For example, if our need for food and sleep is currently unmet, our coping mechanisms may diminish in that moment. The second result is that long-term unmet needs lower our anger threshold and make us more prone to angry feelings and behaviors. For example, a person who lives in an emotionally and physically unsafe environment suffers from many primary emotions, including fear, loneliness, and anxiety.  As a result, that person experiences important unmet needs on a daily basis. These needs for safety, companionship, and lowered stress frequently manifest as a shortened fuse and quick anger.

There is some great news in all of this: When used to its best advantage, anger feelings are an excellent warning mechanism alerting us to the fact that a need is not being met, a primary emotion needs attention, and action is required to remedy the situation.  Once we grasp the true root of the anger, it is easier to address the actual cause rather than just responding to what appears on the surface. Understanding your needs in any situation increases the likelihood of a productive, rather than destructive, response.

Is Your Teen Stressed? Mindfulness Can Help!

by Katie May

Kylie and her mom got into a fight.  Kylie screamed, “I hate you!”, ran to her room and slammed the door.  She threw the folded pile of laundry from her bed and it scattered onto the floor. Then she curled up on the bed and cried. She noticed an emptiness in the pit of her stomach.  She began to recognize the thoughts going through her head like, “It’s not fair.  She never lets me do what I want!”  Kylie decided to take out her journal and free write. After a few minutes, her heaving sobs turned into calming breaths and she decided to go downstairs and talk to her mom about coming to a compromise with her curfew.

In all my years of working with teens, this situation has come up again and again in many similar ways.  Your teens are gaining independence and figuring out where they fit into the world.  Along with these developmental tasks comes the challenge of navigating intense emotions and being mindful of thoughts that result in a variety of wanted and unwanted behaviors.  

Mindfulness skills have proven very beneficial in helping teens with these challenges. When teens are mindful, they can:

·       Notice thoughts without being overwhelmed by them

·       Make planned decisions rather than acting impulsively

·       Feel more calm and in control in stressful situations

The first topic I teach teens when we work on practical mindfulness skills is to become more aware of the three states of mind.  Your state of mind is your outlook or your perspective.  These states of mind have a big impact on what emotions you experience and what decisions you make.

When you are in Emotion Mind, you are driven by your feelings and urges. You can be in Emotion Mind for both pleasant and difficult feelings. In Emotion Mind, you are not focused on facts; you are immersed in feelings.  Some situations that trigger Emotion Mind include getting into an argument, listening to music or creating art.

When you are in Reason Mind, you are focused on the facts.  That means you are thinking logically and analyzing a situation.  In Reason Mind, you are NOT focused on your feelings.  Some situations that trigger Reason Mind include doing schoolwork, writing a list or following a recipe.

Wise Mind is the balance between your emotions and reasoning.  When you are in Wise Mind, you are able to feel your emotions AND focus on the facts.  In Wise Mind you have a balance that lets you make decisions based on how you feel AND the facts in a situation.  Wise Mind helps you to make healthy choices and act effectively.  Some examples of Wise Mind include asking for help when you are frustrated or talking to someone when you feel sad.

You can help your teens at home by pointing out when you see them in each state of mind, or discussing examples of when they have been in each state of mind.  In the example above, Kylie began the argument in Emotion Mind.  She was driven by her emotions, leading her to yell at her mom, slam the door and throw her clothes.  However, she used mindfulness to become AWARE of her body sensations and her thoughts, allowing her to make the Wise Mind decision of using her journal to cope with stressful feelings, then act effectively by going back and speaking to her mom more calmly to develop a solution.

You can also be a powerful teacher for your teen by modeling your own use of the three states of mind.  When you feel frustrated and act on this by snapping at a family member, you can catch yourself by stating, “I’m sorry I snapped at you.  I let my Emotion Mind take over.’  

I have heard lots of parents say that practicing mindfulness is embarrassing, or that it doesn’t work.  This typically happens when they try something once and don’t get the desired response right away.  Mindfulness skills take LOTS of practice and do NOT come naturally at first.  I wouldn’t write an article about how to run a marathon then expect you to go out and do it after reading about it!  Mindfulness takes time and practice, so stick with it!

This article is part one of a three-part series.  In my next article, I will show you exactly how to help your teens pay attention to what is happening inside and outside of themselves and be able to put words to what they notice to help you get a REAL answer to the question “What’s wrong?” when your teen looks stressed.  You won’t want to miss it!  Click here [insert link to:  www.creativehealingphilly.com/teen-mindfulness] for more.

Katie K. May is a Nationally Certified, Licensed Professional Counselor who specializes in working with children and teens.  She uses mindfulness-based practices, play therapy and expressive arts  to help clients communicate difficult emotions and decrease problem behaviors.

A Five-Minute Stress-Reducing and Mindfulness Technique for Parents

by Kathleen Krol, LCSW RPT-S

Do you find yourself rushing home from work to pick up your child from aftercare or your teen from after school sports practice? Are evenings or weekends spent juggling between one child being dropped off at soccer practice and the other being picked up from dance class? If not hustling to get a child somewhere, then it may be juggling two jobs or running multiple errands. We all know the feeling of being pressured and stressed.

I found a technique that helps me, as I am leaving my house, driving in the car or before opening the door to something new. It helps me by focusing my attention on what I am about to do and check with myself to see if I am carrying stress in my body or mind. I call it "Five Senses." I take 5 minutes as I am moving or driving to be aware of my environment by using my five senses. I ask myself, what do I see around me? What do I hear? What do I smell? What do I taste or feel in my mouth? And what do I feel? If I am driving, am I clenching the steering wheel and if so, can I relax my grip? If walking, I might notice that my body is moving fast and my chest is tight. I pause and take a couple deep breaths.

As I transition to another activity, I do so consciously. I tell myself to be aware, that I am here and I can relax now. This technique might not eliminate all stress, but it does remind me to bring my attention to what is currently happening. It refocuses a distracted or racing mind and reminds me that I do have the ability to slow myself down and breathe rather than remaining on automatic pilot. 

Your Health is THAT important

by Dana L. Barron, PhD

Sometimes we get so lost in the sea of obligations that we lose track of what feeds our energy and what drains it. But the body is keeping score. If the balance tips too far toward draining or depleting activities, the body will start to whisper. “I’m stressed out.” Or “I’m really tired.” Or “I need a break.” We ignore it for now, and we “power through.” So it starts speaking a little louder. “I can’t sleep.” “I have a headache, an upset stomach.” Maybe we do something to ease the discomfort – an over-the-counter remedy or an extra cup of coffee. And then we power through some more….The more we override the message to slow down, the louder the body must speak.  Eventually there are symptoms we can’t ignore, or even a diagnosed illness. We’ve been running on empty and the body is saying NO.

When the stress first registers, it can seem impossible to lighten the load. If I let anything go, I think, I will let someone down, and I can’t do that. Or worse, I will lose my job or someone will get hurt. Sometimes the stories we tell ourselves are true and often they are not, but we generally cannot tell the difference. Sometimes it takes a crisis to clarify what is important and what is not, what is nourishing and what is depleting.

Here’s an exercise that might help you regain your balance, before your body starts to scream.

Make a list of your responsibilities and activities. Include everything on the calendar and the TO DO list. Now, imagine that someone you love has a crisis and needed your help. To make time, you must cross five things off the list. What would they be?

Even if it was hard and you were afraid of the consequences, you would cross things off to make time for a loved one. Why would you not do the same for yourself? For your health and well-being? Try. It truly IS that important.

Dana L. Barron, PhD is a health coach, advocate, and herbalist. She helps clients understand the functional imbalances that are causing their symptoms and design integrative solutions to regain health and vitality. She also guides clients in their relationships with health care providers to ensure they are getting their needs met. She can be reached at 215-688-5108 or healingpathcoaching@yahoo.com.

Stress, Resilience, and Your Health

by Dana L. Barron, PhD

Why Stress about Stress?

We have all heard that stress is bad for our health but it can be helpful to understand exactly why that is. The body’s acute “stress response” is not inherently harmful – in fact it is an essential mechanism of survival. The brain senses danger and the body makes changes that allow for immediate action – fight or flight. Then the danger passes and the body calms back down to its natural resting state.

But the conditions of modern life are such that many of us are living in a chronic stress response, and here is where the trouble starts. Stress hormones trigger increases in heart rate, blood pressure, breathing rate, and blood sugar. Other systems in the body, notably the digestive, reproductive, and immune systems, slow down or stop in order to focus energy where it is needed most. This great when you need to run away from a tiger, but when it goes on long term, it sows the seeds of dysfunction and disease.

The good news is, you can maintain health and vitality by identifying your stressors and learning tools for stress resilience.

Perform a Stress Audit

Performing a comprehensive stress audit with my clients includes exploring the mental and emotional stressors – thoughts and feelings, events and experiences. But we also dig deeper to factors you might not associate with stress. Pathogens and infections, problems with digestion, inadequate sleep, diet and nutrients, and exposure to toxins can all trigger a stress response. Their effects are cumulative. If the total stress load is manageable, we feel fine. But when stress overcomes the body’s capacity to adapt, systems start to malfunction and we get symptoms.

Thankfully, for each aspect of stress, there are stress reduction strategies. These strategies become a self-care plan, a powerful healing tool. The seeds of stress resilience are planted. The healing path begins.

The Healing Path is a self-care plan for life. It puts control over your health into your hands. It works from the root causes of symptoms and it encompasses the whole person, mind, body and spirit. It recognizes the integral relationship among all the systems of the body. Each person’s path is unique – strategies must be tailored to fit the reality of your life. The tools, then, are yours forever.

Dana L. Barron, PhD is a health coach, advocate, and herbalist. She helps clients understand the functional imbalances that are causing their symptoms and design integrative solutions to regain health and vitality. She also guides clients in their relationships with health care providers to ensure they are getting their needs met. She can be reached at 215-688-5108 or healingpathcoaching@yahoo.com.

A Place To Be by Dean Solon

you may be closing your eyes,
a way of turning off the lights.

now you may be seeing more clearly, more astutely.
now you may be quieter.
now you may be feeling more yourself, and may be feeling more connected.
it is lovely this may be all that is required:
a place to sit, a place to be quiet,
a place to be alive and alert and awake.

there may be many times in this life you have felt this is all you need
to be presently happy, to be happily present.

the near-silence, a gift of the gods.